Question first, story second. How do you deal with an uninvited guest or someone who forces themselves in social gatherings/situation/where they shouldn't be/etc.? (no puns about the last one!) We're considering social etiquette here so I am not looking for a "tell 'em to **** OFF" answer, but more of a refined and tried way. Okay, so I was invited to a dinner in a friend's family home. They were having a lot of visitors (not dinner guests), because they had a family member come over from Germany and people wanted to meet him. Anyway, everyone who wasn't invited for the dinner exchanges pleasantries and left EXCEPT for this one guy. He keeps hanging on well past the expected visitor's time. When it was getting really awkward he finally stood up and left. Not twenty minutes later when we were getting ready to have dinner, HE SHOWS UP and lets himself in like he was invited! Obviously everyone's shocked, but the host quickly recovers and serves everyone food. The hosts was very gracious and they pretended like nothing even happened. He goes on to stay for an hour after dinner talking like it's completely normal and only leaves after his wife calls him and tells him to get his **** home. I know the hosts well and they're very generous. They're always inviting people to their home and it's normal for them to entertain up to 20 guests. It's just that specific dinner was for the family and close friends, and the guys complete lack of self-respect put a damp on the whole thing. I asked myself what would I do in a situation like that, but I am drawing a blank here. So again, what would you do?
I suppose my first tactic would be to explain that sorry, but this is a dinner for family only, but we'll have another one soon and of course he's invited (regardless of if he is or not...). Is he just a bit of a weirdo? Is there any chance he's having home troubles and didn't want to go back?
That's a good tactic, good one to keep in mind. Well, I don't know him that well, but AFAIK he's not struggling to eat or anything like that, but you're right could be trouble with the wife or something. Still, I wouldn't have embarrassed myself by ever doing something like that. I'll grab a bite outside or just go someplace else, at least no where I am not expected.
A lot of people don't have the same social skills though, and it's not always easy to notice. A lot of people will always seem well adjusted (especially if you don't know them all that well) and actually turn out to be really socially awkward. I had a friend once who was a bit like that. He was from Switzerland and obviously just wanted to hang out. One day I mentioned I was going to a friend's house in a 'what are you up to' curiosity small talk kind of way. Later on, he just randomly turned up! That was awkward...
You know this may sound silly but if the guy knew people there, eg yourself, were not family then maybe he didn't clue in that it was a family gathering? The other question is how do you know how the hosts felt about this guy? It's not always the way it looks at first glance. I guess it all depends on how badly someone wants to keep up appearances/make things less socially awkward. It might have been just as easy to say to the guy we were planning on 'x' number of guests for dinner and hadn't expected you to be here tonight. ''Next time we would love to have you'' maybe? Personally I wouldn't take it badly but I can see why you might want to be cautious (knowing the reputations of those wild southern Californians ;' ) LFD
I would do what Llama suggested explain the situation to him, sorry for famiyl and close friends only. If he doesn't get the message or doesn't leave, I would tell him he has two mins to leave. Then I would throw him out.
Well firstly it's for the hosts to decide how they want to deal with it, not for other guests to decide. It's certainly not for guests to follow Crow's advice and generally be unpleasant. If the hosts minded him being there then they should have spoken to him. The fact that they didn't suggests that they don't mind that much. I fail to see the issue.
Thanks all for the responses. I didn't speak to the hosts afterwards about it. It's their home and it's not my place to say anything. What you said it true though, maybe he saw me and thought that it was a dinner for friends too. Although it's still proper etiquette to be invited first. It's not just that we're Southern Californians (I didn't know we had a reputation like that ), but Middle Eastern culture is especially high-context. There are a lot of things implied and rarely, if ever, do we come out right out and say it. We're supposed to have a complete understanding of the social situation with little to no words. Therefore when you have someone that goes against this cultural thing, it becomes very awkward and since it's a close-knit community, the word spreads fast and could cause serious embarrassment to the parties involved. It's obviously a cultural thing, so people don't generally expect someone from another culture to be like that. For example: everyone's dinner time this month is around sunset (fasting), so an hour before that time it's social etiquette to leave so there's sufficient time for people to prepare dinner, set the table, etc. If you stay any longer, it implies (rudely) that you're staying for dinner. This obviously isn't an issue with close friends, and rarely if ever is it about food, it's just that you don't haven't planned for having guests that night. It all comes down to common sense though. It's not my place and I would never say a thing and cause further embarrassment to the host. I am asking what would do you if you had an uninvited guest. There are times when you prepared an evening for just a certain number of guests, and can't really have another person there (whether if it's space, food, etc.). Yes it was. If you're ever down here I'll invite you for one.
I'd have carried on regardless, but then I'm English, and we don't do that kind of confrontation well. We'd have bitched about him mercilessly once he'd left, but pointing out someones social faux pas is a far more serious faux pas that the original faux pas itself. Faux pas.
Sorry, but people who don't know when to leave usually don't respond to "a more refined" way of telling them to leave. You can be polite but they probably won't get it if you try to be more refined than that. I help my parents run a lodge, and I have to deal with idiots like this all the time. As Lama said, you just say "Sorry, this is family only." Keep it short and simple, and repeat what you said if you have to. You aren't there to debate them. This weekend we had some unruly customers staying over, and we ended up having to call the police on them because they had to many people on their site, lied about a cancelation, tried to start a fire(there is a ban now) and tried to stay longer without paying. We had enough and called the cops. One the police ran their names and found out that there were some immigration issues. This is just the latest story.
I am sure running a lodge is a nightmare sometimes. I've stayed in many motels when I take a road trip across the states, and I see these things happen often. In the last one I slept in the lodgers next door started having a HUGE argument, 2 women 1 guy, and one of the women (let's call her #1) was thrown out and had the door shut behind her. So she walks to the receptionist and tells him that her sister threw HER out of her room and she's alone with HER (#1) boyfriend. 5 minutes later the police arrive and take woman #2 away. In my mind all I was thinking of is what the guy is saying to his girlfriend when she went back in...LOL...
Yeah I thought it might be an Iftar party, it would be polite to let them break their fast if it was. But say it was a meal for family and friends, there were 12 people and I cooked 12 steaks, it would be awkward if one guy just decided to stick around, someone would end up being extra polite and saying oh you can have mine. I've had occasions where we host an Iftar party for family and close friends (by friends people basically married to family and cousins) So people from Sheffield, Luton, all over came over for this "small" family gathering of about 15 people. But a couple of "friends" pop by to say hello, then kinda invite themselves to the party when it's supposed to be a family thing. We would always say it politely first, hey nice seeing you, but we are about to sit down for dinner... (take the hint...) If they still don;t get it, hi sorry we've had family travel quite a way away for this little gathering, it was nice seeing you... If they don't get it from that, then it will have to be sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I've had situations like this in my nans house, when my uncles, aunts everyone and their family kinda get together and someone uninvited turns up and she will be all upset about it "who is that guy? I can't ask him to leave, could one of you guys take care of it?". That's why I said if it's a family thing and the host has made it clear they don't want the person there then I would follow those steps, hint first, tell them specifically, then ask them to leave.
It's a blessing to have a guest. It's a thing that's very encouraged in Middle Eastern culture, let alone Islam. During the Iftar party there was plenty of food, and no one was left in want. The hosts were very gracious, and they eased the awkwardness quite a bit. I would never turn someone away, and I count it as a blessing to have the privilege to share what God has given me with others. It's just that sometimes, for the comfort of your family and guests, you can't have someone else at that time. Whether it's a person that one of your guests don't like, or that his usual behavior isn't appropriate for the current setting, or you don't have enough space at the table for another person. A lot of the methods that were suggested here are good. I guess it'll always be awkward no matter how you handle it.
I think a general rule worth following is to always be quite specific about what exactly you are inviting people for. Don't leave it to them to work it out; i.e. whether it's for a meal, for a cup of tea, for tea and cake, or whatever. (Years ago I was invited to a cousin's for the evening and ate beforehand, only to find that she had cooked a big meal. Naturally I ate it, only to throw up afterwards, which was very embarrassing.) And if the person's visit is going to be limited in duration because of other commitments on the part of the hosts, then it is essential to tell the guest beforehand. To tell them after they have arrived that they will need to leave by a certain time is just rude.
I didn't hear the host say anything like that, and it would very rude to set a time for departure. It's just a high context culture and everyone should know to leave by a certain time if they weren't invited. I understand this causes confusion, and if I was every hosting a dinner I would specific about it. It's one of the things I don't like very much.
