Too far. I understand how you feel and I think most of us have been in a similar situation at some point or another, but I think this was the point at which you were pushing it too far with your boyfriend. Just when it sounds like you and your boyfriend have reached a mutual understanding and have put the issue behind you, this sentence brings it all back to square one again. Despite how you genuinely and understandably feel, it might have been better to simply let sleeping dogs lie on this occasion. I know a sweet couple, but their relationship is beset by difficulties all because of one particular issue which they keep coming round and round to and never seem to get past. Obviously you and your boyfriend aren't experiencing very great difficulties just because of this one issue, but what I'm saying is, beware of trying to confront an issue in a way that will simply lead you round in circles and won't resolve anything. Are you being unreasonable? Hmmm. Hard to say. If it were me, I'd probably feel somewhat the same as you, and its perfectly normal to do so, but I'd also have a voice in my head telling me I was just being silly about it. Honestly, people don't like it if they feel they're being nagged by their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner and even the most devoted convert to the joys of the relationship can become panicky and claustrophobic when put under pressure. You know your boyfriend better than I do, of course, but I can personally see two scenarios if you go down the route of telling him how you feel. Either, he's the understanding and accepting type and telling him will resolve the situation. Or, he won't understand and he'll feel even more harried by you and you'll be in a worse situation than you are now. Personally, I think the best thing you can do is not to wait around all week for him to call. Go out somewhere. Do something different. Anything. Get in some extra training. You sound like its been seriously bothering you and you really need to take your mind off it. And not that I'm sure you didn't know this already, but I think its always worth keeping in mind that relationships require a lot of patience, understanding, and compromise.
Michelle's problem is one of the reasons I didn't let my girlfriend go on a holliday without me. Which kinda rolls into my problem.. It's quite simple really, my girlfriend had planned a vacation with a friend of hers, before she met me. This guy has been her best friend for years, and my girlfriend finally got permission to go on a holliday on herself (well, without her parents anyway). And she usually doesn't get permission for anything, so she was really looking forward to this. But then she met me.. And we got in a relationship quite quickly (we're dating for 3 months now) And she asked me at the start if I was ok with this holliday. At that point I said yes.. I just hadn't thought about it that much, and I didn't worry about anything at that point. And I also kept in mind she was looking forward at it this much, and I didn't want to dissapoint her. Anyway, as time progressed, I just started feeling more and more uncomfortable with her going on a holliday with one other guy I've never met. And more importantly didn't trust. So I ended up saying no. And we had an argument about it then, but now she seems to understand my place in the situation, and has accepted it. But now I sometimes feel sorry for her.. since she has never been allowed to get out much, and this was really her chance to get some air. Was I wrong to not let her go?
i think...yes i can see where you are coming from, but how long has she known this friend for (i think you said a while, cant remember now though). it may seem to her that you're not trusting her to go on holiday with someone else and not cheat on you. also, she did organise the holiday before she met you... the main thing is that you discussed it and she could see your point of view and didnt go off on one about trust etc
Well, we had a really long chat about it, and I made really sure she knows it has nothing to do with trust. It's more the fact that she would be alone with another guy for such a long time (a lot longer than I have been alone with her anyway), somewhere I can't get to. And with a guy I don't know nor trust. It just didn't add up..
I've been in this position a few times with my current girlfriend, and there's two things I've learnt. 1) At the end of the day it's in her hands what happens with the guy. If he tries it on then it's her choice what to do. If she ever lets anything happen then you probably wont be able to do anything until it's too late anyway. 2) Make sure she sees it from your viewpoint, even if you need a hypothetical version of it. Often one partner's viewpoint is a lot harder than the other imagines. It's also important for you to see it from her position too. At the end of the day it's only been 3 months anyway, if you get trust issues now it probably won't get any easier down the road.
Well maybe I have to point out here that I'm not worried about my gf cheating on me, that's not really the point, nor is trust. This guy is just a friend, and I can be really definitive about that.. it just won't happen. Life is fine actually... that's not the point here. It's just that I'm feeling a bit guilty about not letting her go. Although on the other hand I still feel my arguments for nót letting her go were valid. Thanks for the replies so far though
If there's no trust problem then let her go, it's really your insecurities about the guy. He might well be planning something, most guys do, but if there's no history between them it's unlikely anything is going to happen now. Suck it in, tell her to have fun and then whine on an internet forum when she's having too much fun too phone!
btw my boyfriend is away for 3 weeks not two. i am used to him being away, the only thing that ****ed me off was that he promised he'd ring. all the things i worte in stars were my thoughts, i didnt actually tell him that. what i told him was that i was disapointed that he didnt keep his promise and that i thought he'd be more thoughtful. and you know what? he apologised and rang me the next day. there's 8 in the group, so if you think 20 mins a week to ring your girl is unsociable, i dont think so. anyway. i need to think things through myself and talk to people who matter when it comes to issues this close to the heart. people here dont know my relationship at all, but im blaming myself for posting now. to the next question, at first i thought it was pretty mean to not let someone go on a holiday. to be honest how can you not trust the guy if you've never met him? and if you trust your girlfriend, then it shouldn't be a worry, unless he's a rapist! how long is she actually going for? have i understood this sentence right? This guy is just a friend, and I can be really definitive about that.. it just won't happen does that mean ur sure nothign is going to happen? in that case, you should let her go. besides it shouldnt be up to you to make that kind of decision. you should give her your opinion, but she should decided whether to go or not.
Let her go. If she is unfaithful, and the relationship dies, at least you found out now instead of 2-3 years down the road. If you don't let her go, she's going to resent you indefinitely. It's never good to control your partner. I can say that from experience.
Cavallin, You should try to decide for yourself what your reservations are . . . Is it that he didn't live up to his promise? Or is there something else going on? (I'm not expecting a response, It's a rhetorical question meant to get your wheels spinning ) Me and my ex had similar problems constantly. She would get ****ed because I'd say I'd call, and wouldn't call. It wasn't an issue of her getting mad because I didn't call, or because I broke a promise. She got ****ed because she didn't feel like she was getting enough attention, and she tried to make me give her more attention by nagging me and giving me static for not calling. Then I did what other people mentioned - I got panicky and claustrophobic and withdrew from the relationship. She still gives me static for not calling her enough, even though we are broken up. In the end, it's all about control with us. She's trying to assert control over me, and in a way, I'm trying to control her. Just my 2 cents, and maybe it's close to your BF's perspective.
She would have been gone for one week. About me not trusting the guy. My gf has this stalker, and he is of the worst kind.. he HAS assailed (sp?) her on more then one occasion, plus a few attempts. And has been stalking her for over a year now.. Well the guy that was going to be on a vacation with her is best friends (literally) with the stalker guy. Even though he knows what horror this guy has brought to my gf. For me, that's more than enough to not trust him. And I didn't really make the decision. As you said, I gave my opinion, and she canceled the vacation.
Grrrr... the use of the phrase 'i let my gf go on holiday' or 'did not let my gf go on holiday' is not a good start for any relationship. Im hoping it was just an error in translation Lennert, otherwise you run the risk of becoming just as controlling as her family have been. Poor kid deserves a break. If this old friend is around anyway, she's either going to sleep with him or not going to sleep with him, whether they go on holiday or not! She's obviously not troubled by his friendship with her 'stalker' so cant see why you should be. As for ur problem Cavallin, I empathise completely but guys work on a completely different timeframe to us... When they say they'll call, we think they mean tomorrow... they mean, when they remember which might be next week! We have to learn not to take it personally and be less insecure. Go shopping! You can bet your life if the boot was on the other foot, he'd be going shopping not waiting around moping! Nothing less attractive than a jealous, whinging, clingy partner! Rant over young people...
Didn't you read the last line of my previous post? Anyway, that is kind of the point, she does have a big problem with him still hanging out with that stalker, and therefore she understands my point of view. Oh yeah, and for the last time, it's not about anybody going to sleep with anybody.. It's not about cheating, nor about trust between me and my gf. P.s. Why did you put stalker between quotation marks?
Sorry Lennert, I dont mean to get at you but if it isnt about trusting her not to sleep with him, then what is it about? Were you really afraid that this friend who has had the opportunity to attack her over the course of several years would take the first opportunity whilst they are away? It is ok to admit that you were a teensy bit jealous if you were - and any of us in that situation probably would have been too! I put stalker in quotes cos I was clearly underestimating the problem as a result of her still maintaining a friendship with someone who is best buddies with someone else who is causing her sufficient grief to be classified as a stalker. However if this guy really is a stalker, then I apologise and must admit to utter bemusement at her continued choice of friends. If any of my male friends had a best mate who was following and seriously scaring me, they would all have a few unrepeatable words to say to him to try to dissuade him from continuing such a course of action and if that didnt work, Im sure more physical methods would follow. They certainly wouldnt remain friends. If this guy is really causing such a big problem to your gf, she needs to speak to the police and try to get a restraining order. If you have a long-term relationship with this lady, at some point she will probably want to go away with her friends on hen weekends and the like. To be the sort of partner who 'allows' her to go is not the ideal way to carry on a partnership. What happens if she desperately wants to go see a band that you would rather slit your own wrists than come within 2 miles of? Does she need to 'seek permission' or will she give up on her dream and not bother to ask because she knows you wont go and wont let her go? I know Im making a lot of generalisations here and Im not aiming them just at you but for the thought processes and general perusal of all as this sort of possessiveness can apply as much to women as it can to men. As one of the more mature (oh, alright, older) members of this forum, Ive seen this attitude cause so many relationship problems over the years. Still the upshot for you seems to be that it may well have been that she arranged to go on holiday with her long-term friend because they were attracted to each other. But then she met you, preferred you, you gave your opinion and she cancelled her vacation cos she didnt want to upset/lose you... it's what some of us do. Another example of how women differ from men - stupid fools that we are
