Child abuse and molestation is the lowest form of crime in the world. Nothing can possibly be worse than taking advantage of a helpless human being that simply don't know any better. I just heard some terrible news that has me feeling sick to my gut. I will be disclosing some information that may not be 100% family friendly so I will try to be as vague as possible, I just have to get this off my chest. I just found out that my GF was molested as a child. She did not tell me about this willingly, let me explain. I have known her all my life but we didn't start dating until about 7 months ago. In the past I had seen certain behaviors that suggested a childhood trauma. I won't go into to much detail, today I asked her if she had been molested. I know, BIG MISTAKE. How could I be so stupid to ask such a thing. But as terrible feel about doing something so stupid I feel even more devastated by the outcome. She did not answer the question but her reaction and body language told me instantly that something had happened to her as a child. After a brief awkward pause I immediately apologized for asking and asked her to forget about it. All she had to say was " I have never spoken to any one about it, and I never will. " I felt so crappy that I actually began to cry. The woman that I love had to experience such a traumatizing event. It explained certain behaviors in her past. As I stated, she is doing great for herself now. I just can't get it out of my head. Obviously it's not my place to tell her how to handle the past, especially if it doesn't seem to be affecting her anymore. I just feel so helpless. Well that's about it, I'm feeling sick to my stomach and I've already puked. /rant off
If you are there for your girl you are certainly not helpless. It may feel like it sometimes, but trust me when I say that you are her rock. Don't try to drag information out unless she offers it. Finally put any thought of revenge out of your head. Your priority is working on building a life with your lady, not seeking some personal satisfaction by attacking the guilty party. You are no good is you are behind bars. I apologise but I have to put a MOD warning in here which is for all who post here. Do not post suggesting revenge attacks.
Thank you for the kind words Simon. I agree that thoughts revenge will only bring more trouble. It was pretty clear that she doesn't want to talk about it, I wont question her. As long as its not affecting our relationship then I guess I should leave it as is. Even though I suspected something I wasn't prepared for it. I need a drink
There will be good times, there will be bad times. There may even be times when she is down where she tries to drive a wedge between you. You'll feel like headbutting the wall, but what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Hopefully your relationship will be built on a foundation of trust that many don't have. Hope it all works out.
Something it's important to be aware of is that (as I understand it, I am not a psychologist, I am getting this second hand from them) you DO NOT need to get her to "talk the issue through" with you or get her to "confront her daemons" as you see in a lot of films. This is pure nonsense. Current thinking (which you will never see portrayed in any form of popular media) is that these events are similar to the psychological damage people suffer when they suffer traumatic physical injuries. People get over this pain by forgetting about it or ignoring it. There is no big cathartic moment where people "get over" this sort of thing.
I'm very sorry to hear that you are both going through this difficult time. Be there and listen when she needs it. Don't butt in just listen pay attention and let her know, more so by your actions, that you are there for her. Also don't forget yourself. You need time to process this too and to learn how to deal with the issues surrounding it. If needed go to someone who can support you while you are supporting your partner.
Oh and one other quick point, don't assume that this is some unbearable, terrible burden that your girlfriend struggles under every day. I know some people who have literally laughed this sort of thing off and will joke about it. I know that sounds ridiculous but some people are capable of accepting this sort of thing happened to them and that's that. A significant portion of the trauma that people experience comes from the way that other people react to them. If you tell someone something is the worst thing in the world that could possibly ever happen to them and that it will affect them for life and then treat them like they are in some way damaged or broken... well ask yourself how you'd feel if someone reacted to you like that when they found out about one of your unpleasant life experiences?
That's more or less what I was going to say. In a way, the more you can minimise a traumatic experience, the better.
Having been in a very similar situation myself, I would make a couple of points: Don't bring it up with your girlfriend. If she wants to talk about it she will. If she doesn't, then leave it. Don't dwell on it. It doesn't define who she is. If she's getting on with her life, then follow suit. Being there for her works two ways: to listen if she wants to talk through stuff, and to let the past go if that is what she is doing. It can be a big shock when you find out something distressing like this about someone you care for. And the urge to 'do something' is only natural - even if that 'something' is only to show her that you are upset. But sometimes having listened the ONE time is all that she wants and needs from you - in which case accept this, and deal with your sense of shock by yourself. Best wishes.
Your post pretty much sums it up Johnno. I will be doing exactly what you said. It's not my place to dwell on her past so I will just try to forget about it.
Be privately grateful that she trusted you enough to share this painful memory with you. Then let it go.
Very sorry to hear that. I can only give my sympathy and say that you should definitely listen to what slindsay said above as he's spot on. I'd also add that if you find it difficult to cope with and it's getting you down, speaking to a counsellor/clinical psychologist could help you. There's no requirement on you to "man up" and silently deal with the shock if your body's not letting you.
I know that feeling of pain when you hear something so disturbingly happen to the person you love and adore. When you imagine her alone and being...hurt, and all you wish for is a moment to save her. The numb from the pain will leave in time for you, as it has for me. There are some things that we best not torment ourselves with, especially when it's out of our control. Simon's and a few others gave solid advice, and I wish I had it when I went through the same thing. In my case it affected my ex significantly, and she sometimes woke up at night crying, reaching out for me. With your girl, it seems that she has gotten over it and I commend her strength for bearing through something so traumatizing. I wish you both the very best.
Place yourself in your girlfriends shoes, it takes a huge amount of courage to talk about molestation or sexual assault in general. Molestation one of the most humiliating things I can think of next to rape, so I would be extremely careful when talking about it with other people. Chances are she only intended to tell you, and not for you to tell us. I'm not saying you can't speak about these issues (they after all very serious), but you can do so without disclosing information such as the relationship status you have with that individual. Simply saying, "what would you do if someone told you they were a victim of molestation?..." is plenty of information enough to spur conversation from personal experience. Chances are that most people will know of someone, whether it be someone close to them or not, or even themselves that have been victims.
Tony, I'm so very sorry to hear about your story. Child abuse is a horrible topic to breach with someone you love, but in an intimate relationship it is sort of inevitable. I assure you, it was bound to be discussed eventually. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to not ever bring it up again and let her come to you when she is ready. Eventually she will come forward and discuss the topic with someone, if she can. It's important not to force dialogue about abuse because it can make PTSD worse. There may come a time when you should reconsider a gentle attempt to breach the subject again, but only if you see that her quality of life is suffering substantially from what you believe to this childhood trauma. I wish you the best and try to remember that people are stronger than they realize. I know you want to protect her and help her, but this is one of those times when all you can do is show compassion. As a guy this is always one of the hardest things to do. She is probably much, much stronger than you realize. And don't feel guilty. You asked because you love her, not because you intended to hurt her. I'm sure she realizes this. John
