Shyness

So here is an off topic. Ever since I was a kid I have had terrible shyness with women. I really struggle with approaching women and asking women for their phone numbers and asking them out on a date. For some reason I have always been this way.

I guess Im a bit of an oxymoron . Im a musician and live performer. I really don't get stage fright and things like that. Although sometimes I do feel self conscious on stage and get stuck in my head when Im performing. But its usually not super bad. But when it comes to women Im super shy.

This whole topic has been on my mind the last few days because the other day I managed to ask a very beautiful women for her phone number. Sadly she had a boyfriend, but the fact that I asked was a major accomplishment for me.

I've been single for a long time and sadly I really believe that it's because of my shyness and inability to approach womem. Don't get my wrong, Im not whining about it. Im actually posting about it to see if anyone has any advice on overcoming what I call "terminal shyness"?

Even being anonymous on an fourm I feel silly and self-conscious talking about it. But I believe that if no one ever asks any questions they don't get any answers.

Thanks

 

I've never directly approached women and asked for their number because it's always felt like just walking up and going "here I am, what do you think?" Lol.

I find it's a lot easier to catch an eye or whatever and just be my funny charming self - if the social cues are there then I'll ask for a number.

If you're good on stage then you obviously have a lot of confidence, that's what women find attractive so parley that into your presence at the bar, pay attention to who is interested in who and talk accordingly.

The other thing to remember that if you're super shy around women it can be easy to talk yourself out of something if a women does actually approach you. Sometimes you'll think "ah, she can't really be interested in me".

Sometimes you have to just tell yourself that you're a strapping, handsome son of a gun and then walk the walk.

Good luck friend!

 

I think with anyone, what works best for me is not wanting anything from them. In any situation I try to think "what can I do for this person"? It's not always easy. I've noticed it goes down very well with most people though.

I would try and talk to women about mutual interests that have nothing to do with dating or sex or relationships. So you like music and martial arts. Find ladies with those interests and talk to them about that and ask them what they think.

For example, go in to an independent record shop and if you see a female member of staff tell her that you like such and such a band, does she have any recommendations to broaden your horizons? Just go from there.

Alternatively try online dating. Just build up your confidence chatting to ladies online first.

 

My experience and discussions with my female friends tells me that approaching strangers to hit on them is a fantastically low percentage move, unless you look like a movie star and have ridiculous game. So sucking at it doesn't really matter. You're probably just saving yourself a load of wasted effort. Now, if a conversation happens naturally, that's a different beast.

Do you have problems holding a conversation with men you haven't met before? If not, then you should be able to do the same with women, because despite what the self-help lobby would have us believe, men and women are not that different. The topics might change slightly (sport might not work), but you should be able to hold a conversation with another human being for 10 minutes without too much grief. If you can't, then work on that first.

I don't think I've ever asked a stranger for her number - mainly because I think it's pretty damned creepy - I mean, why do you want it? Why would you put someone you 'like' in such an awkward social situation? She now has to brutally shoot you down or give you the means to harass her day and night (it happens).

Now what I actually do:
I've offered *my* number plenty of times, because it puts the ball in her court and she can take it and do as she pleases without having to disclose any of her personal details to a strange guy who doesn't understand that the tube is a place for silent contemplation. That said, I never just say "here's my number, call me", because I've offered no incentive for her to make that move. I'd ask them to hang out some time (normally centered around some common interest that our conversation has brought up, or failing that I'd pull the "I find you really interesting to talk to, I'd like to do it again. Could we grab <lunch [safe], dinner [forward], a drink [happy medium]" line) and if I get a positive or a non-committal response, I'd offer my number to coordinate. If her body language goes defensive, I'd wave it off and try to smooth over the awkwardness. And I always focus on making a new friend first - if she's not the kind of person I would like as a friend, why the hell would I want to go any further.

Other things to think about
Speed dating - so much fun. If you are having general issues holding conversations, this will sort you out right quick. You might not get any leads out of it (I have a suspicion that half to 2/3rds of the women on speed dating events are attached friends of the other half 1/3rd, or at least that's how I cushion my ego from 20-30 rejections), but it will get you very good at ice breaking with women you've never met before. Just don't be the guy who gets drunk.

Tinder and similar - I've met some cool people through these kind of apps. I'm actually using a new app called Bumble right now, which requires women to start the conversation - I've had far more substantial connections from this than from Tinder, despite the much smaller user base.

 

You are a musician and women aren't throwing themselves at you? Do you play the recorder or something?

You should try meeting women at your shows.

BTW what is it that you are looking for? I think that is something to think about.

 

1) Women are just like you. Well, some of them are. Some of them are shy, some of them are outgoing, some of them are kind, some of them are mean, some of them are some of whatever. Dating is less about convincing someone to like you as it is sorting through people to find someone who's weird is like your weird. This fact should immediately alleviate your anxiety; you're not interviewing for a position, you're hiring for a best friend adventurer for life #1 partner in crime.

2) The reason a woman might turn you down may have nothing at all to do with who you are! She had a boyfriend! It's not because she thought your hobby of stamp collecting was lame or that you're a bad person, she had a boyfriend. Women are people and have just as many weird turn ons, interests, checklists and reasons for dating as you do. Maybe you'll meet a woman who just broke up with her boyfriend and wants you for two or three dates and that's it. Maybe she'll want you for no dates because she likes blondes. Maybe she hates ironic humor and finds you annoying. Again, you're trying to find someone who has weirdness that matches up with yours. Nothing to be lost by being honest, kind, compassionate and allowing women to make as many mistakes as men do.

Ever watch Dirty Dancing? In it, Jennifer Gray's character Baby meets Patrick Swayze's character Dancing Dude and utters the immortal lines "I carried a watermelon." Later she repeats them to herself, aghast at her lack of eloquence. Watch Notting Hill where William Thacker says "It was nice to meet you. Surreal, but nice," and, again, is mortified. Love, affection, attraction, whatever, makes you awkward, makes you say silly stupid things. When a woman feels the same way, it makes all of those things cute and endearing. When she doesn't, the right words wouldn't make the difference.

There are women who have the exact same problem you do. Talk to them. Talk to people. If they don't want to talk to you, oh well, bad connection, hang up, try again. I took a philosophy class a long time ago about the symposium and, my professor, a wise old man who just inspired you to live life, prefaced his lecture by saying he would reveal the right way to love. He spent the entire lecture discussing the metaphors of Aristophanes and Socrates and all of these things but never the right way to woo, the right way to love. I approached him afterwards and asked him, always a risky proposition as he spat when he talked and he talked too loud, so it was approaching the altar of Saliva, and he said cultivate friendship. Cultivate honest affection and respect for each others ideas and histories. I have. It has made all the difference.

 

I would agree that asking random women for a phone number tends to be awkward, when you don't know anything about the other person and only perhaps hold a conversation about their interest. Offering your number to her is a better way, but unless somethings clicks right there, it might not work still.
One time when I went back home from training quite late I met a guy at the bus stop. He came to me and started a conversation that lasted for several stops, mostly talking about his life, jobs etc. He seemed quite nice but I didn't have much to contribute, so I could only ask questions about him, avoiding the awkward silence then. When we were parting, he offered me his number, which I appreciated as he didn't want mine. After all giving your number to strangers like these... Why would I do that? Some people then tend to annoy you through texts. Well, right after that he asked me to call that number of his so that he'd have mine, which was a clever strategy of his, making sure he'll have my number and I can't back out of it too easily. Don't do that. Unless something really clicks, I don't think that would work.
As other said, getting to know the woman better, being nice to her, find out more about her - simply becoming friends, who are comfortable with each other's company is, in my opinion, a much better and when it comes to shyness perhaps even easier strategy.
But then again, woman really are pretty much the same as you. So smile and be natural. As long as you keep it cool and don't look like you desperately need her number for whatever reasons...

 

Me eneed to feel embarrassed at all. Look through my old posts and you will see some very dark posts.


Confidence and a happy mindset are key. Dress nice, smell nice, have a good, confident posture. Chat up lines are doomed to fail. Innocent chat is best option. If she's interested she will give conversation back readily enough. You've got this far, you've literally done the hardest part already.

Conversation starters work best when you've caught someone's eye (obviously). "You know, you look really familiar" has a lot of off shoot questions. Simple ones like that work well at clubs are things like "is it alright if I sit here?" Which follows up with "thanks, my feet are sore from all the dancing, must be harder in those heels though". It's not great, but you are simply looking to engage and be engaging.


I'm not exactly great at this stuff but it's worth a shout. I plan on becoming world champion and girls can ask me out instead

 

Drink a bottle of vodka naked in McDonald's.

I don't know how that will work, but it seems like a good idea.

 

He is a Manc- he was doing this before he left school

 

I think nothing can go wrong with that!
The vodka will assure him, that everything he does is a great idea - *and* that he will look awesome doing it!


On a more serious note: As other have said, just don't run around asking for a telephone number.
That's nothing but creepy.

Nothing more to add, because that's a subject I have zero experience with.
But asking for numbers, no matter of a male or female... just creepy, without quite some talking and little getting to know each other.

 

Just try not to be nervous. Start it with random hello's and good mornings, and how are you to random people. Guys, people you see at shops. Take it from there. Don't start a conversation with the intention of getting something out of it, just say hello.

Be confident, relax, be honest. "I thought I would say hello because you're very cute, how are you today? By all means just walk away if I'm making you feel uncomfortable. " I'm curious what do you do? Feel the vibe. Do you like chicken? I like chicken too, will you be hungry tomorrow evening? How about we eat chicken together. Play it as a numbers game. Be a little cheeky, some will just look at you like :s But in my experience most find it funny.

 

Also some girls like shy guys. Just talk to more people, don't force it.

 

Thanks all for the good replies! This area of life has really caused me a lot of pain because of how shy that I've been. It's something that has plagued me my whole life. Interestingly enough my dad was exactly the same way. Maybe it's an inherited trait. But it's 1 I'm always trying to overcome.

The thing is I don't want to be alone forever. But I also won't just take whatever I can get. I truly want to find the right woman for marriage and a lifetime relationship. Being that I'm a full time touring and recording musician, and the fact that I don't want kids, can make it harder to find the right woman. Im also a devout Christian. So my wife has to also be for us to line up in our life views.

I do believe that God will bring her into my life eventually. But I fear that I'll miss some really great opportunities to meet her because of my shyness. Im 39 and I ain't getting any younger lol!!!

 

I have, but it's hard to find what Im looking for in a group like this.

My church is great, but I go to the saturday night service because of my schedule (sunday mornings don't work out cause Im usually up very late for gigs, work, etc) Less people go to the saturday night service and it's a small crowd.

 

Christian dating sites man. Can't expect God to do all the work himself