michele and her dilemmas. please help me! ideas/opinions?

Maybe I've misinterpreted what you've written, but it sounds like you have been given an ultimatum of letting him move in or having to deal with him being a long way away and hardly ever seeing him. Additionally, it sounds like he's pretty much throwing out all the other options/compromises out of hand.

Maybe I've misinterpreted though - it's just how I read it.

 

Cavallin,

I can only echo what everyone else has said - if you move in together now it would be for the wrong reasons and any break up would then be that much harder and more complicated. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you had some space from each other, you would either decide you couldn't live without each other or you would know for sure that it was the right thing to do.

However, please feel free to ignore me on the basis that I wouldn't move in with my husband until he was my husband even though he already had his own flat and so we got engaged six weeks after we met and married six months later. The upside is that we have now been married almost 20 years and he hasn't murdered me yet (and he's a second dan).

 

well i feel kinda guilty now in a way because i expect him to do what's best for me, and he accepted that if i didnt want to move in together he would move in with his friend. it would make a lot more sense money wise for him to do that. i guess i forgot he was in a sense homeless and needed to sort something out quick. personally i could never live with strangers so i cant blame hmi for not wanting to.

im just really gutted now cos i guess he will move away and i been selfish by making it sound like he had other options but i guess he didnt.

im just really annoyed cos everythin was going well and now he;s gona be off and it just not how i imagined our relationship. he was gona try to be more sociable with my friends and parents but we wont really have time for any of that now.

and he wanted to get back into football cos its his passion but its on a saturday so thats another issue we will have to deal wit.
life sucks.

 

Makes me think that he's manipulating you even more. He's messing with your emotions.

 

Indeed, ditto yohans points, if the bloke really loves you then he will be willing to compromise. The fact he is so unwilling to compromise shows that maybe he isnt as dedicated to the relationship as you are and that i think is definatly some food for thought.

 

i just really dont see it that way.he said he wasnt ready either but he would much rather live with me than over there basically. he's just started building a relationship with his lil sis and taking her to tkd and stuff. i guess he has to also be happy in his life and if he really isnt happy living on his own, plus wasting loads of money, isnt that just mean to let him do that? plus arent i the one being selfish by the fact that i could stop all of this by just moving in together?

he didnt want to move in with me before, basically something happened in his family that means that he has nowhere to live. and he thought of his options and they were to live with his mate or me...

 

what would you say is a good compromise then? i personally would not live wit strangers. i duno why i just never could do it. thats why i moved out on my own. to him it doesnt make money sense, cos he wud be spending 300 rent 300 bills, when he wouldnt be there twice a week and the rest of the time he woudl be down my way. i coudl see him at weekends at his house but the rest of the time he would have to come down my way.
in that case it makes more sense to get a flat together.
then he doesnt want to live on his own aswell so he would also be sacrificing that.

 

I'm afraid to say it but I think Yohan is pretty much on the money with his assessment of the situation.

Have him get his own place and deal with it. Men are easier to find room mates for. He doesn't want to live with striangers?! What is he a prince or something?! Have him get a place with mates. He's a man... it's what men should do. Learning how to live on their own. Independently.

You might learn a whole lot about him when you see his state of affairs while he's living on his own. Dishes still in the sink? Fridge out of food but stocked with beer? House a mess? Bong water not changed for weeks on end? Who's panties left hanging in the shower? Stacks of unpaid bills in the mailbox? Why the half full industrial size box of strawberry flavored condoms on the bathroom counter?

Yes it's going to be expensive. Yes it's going to be tough. Boo hoo. That's a good thing for men to experience so that they don't move in with their girlfriends and take them for granted and take advantage of the situation.

Stop playing mother.

 

ok...he's very clean and hardworking thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's a lil harsh judgin him like that!
and yes he wants to get a place with his mates, and his mates live 50 miles away.
i just was on the phone to him, and i guess it might be getting a bit too personal to post on here but he clearly has some kind of serious issue/reason that he doesnt want to be on his own...wouldnt be fair to talk about him on here to this depth really so i guess it has to stop now...

 

No and no.

Like slip said, he's a grown freaking man. He should be able to stand alone.

This backs up what I've been trying to say the whole time. Manipulation.

But good on you for knowing where to draw the line.

 

well it's my fault for posting something personal on a forum, but you dont even know this person and it's quite clearly not showing him as he is... he is kind and loving and just wants us to be happy. im not gona discuss his reasons on here, and he is not trying to manipulate me. anyway please could this thread be deleted cos it totally wasnt meant to turn out this way and now he looks like a bad guy when he isnt!!
i know its my fault for asking people's opinions so really i aught to learn...

 

Getting a place with strangers isn't that bad. I'm there now! I had to move out of my old place with a group of friends because a couple of them were moving in with partners or moving away to get jobs so I had to find somewhere new at short notice. It's turned out OK. "Strangers" doesn't have to mean "weirdos". And even if it does - weirdos aren't always too bad

 

Cav, don't worry... my posts are primarily playing devils advocate (surprise surprise) and it's not like any of us know him personally so you don't have to worry about loss of face or anything like that. You posted it and got responses... just deal with it. You don't have to take them to heart... you know him first hand... for the rest of us it's just words on a forum to a large extent. So do what you feel is best and no one can fault you for going with your gut feeling and wanting to be happy.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

 

What Slip said!

I think everyone points out that the comments made were to help as much as poss but none of us know your man.

The fact we all came to pretty much the same conclusion was no doubt enough to make you look at the situation and the fella in question. If you say that isn’t how it is and he isn’t like that then fair enough.

You certainly haven’t damaged his reputation, you simply know how the situation looks to a bunch of strangers after a quick summing up of what’s going on.

Relax, as long as you’re both happy then I’m sure everyone here is happy for you. And should any of us ever meet the man in question we’ll make our opinions then – not based on this thread.

Asking for advice / opinions is always good – and is always well worth having a ponder on, but everyone lives their own life. Most of us learn from our own mistakes (not that I’m saying you’re making one now!), we don’t tend to learn from other peoples.

Rob

 

thanks guys you made me feel better. i just felt bad that he had come across that way! thanks for your opinions anyway i guess they did help me in the long run..! i've made my decision and i shall stick to i and hope for the best!!