Looking for Peoples take on being avoided in class

Discussion in 'Suggestions, Problems and Tests' started by Mxmillion, Apr 15, 2021.

  1. Mxmillion

    Mxmillion New Member

    Hi, and thanks for having me MAP and all.

    I'm in my forties and I'm currently enrolled in an adult TKD program. I am currently a green belt. However, all the students are 18 and younger.

    Sometimes my master would pair us off in 2's to kick the bag from opposite sides.
    For the last two classes, two girls--one is a white belt(14-15ish) and the other(16-17ish,mixed) told the instructor that they'd rather kick the bag by their selves. I am a very nice person and usually try to ignore most things, but I did not do anything to them. I am also beginning to encounter this behavior from females of all ages at regular settings, in terms of avoidance.

    I am a nice looking person. This angers me and I do not deserve this, nor did I do anything to warrant that treatment. Has anyone here had a similar experience?

    Just looking for different takes and opinions because I am seriously growing more frustrated with people and their garbage nowadays. Please advise.

  2. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    The kids thing is because whilst it calls itself an adult programme, it obviously isn't and kids want to train with other kids, especially with the risk of covid, Im surprised classes are still going, and are mixing age groups.

    Generally as it's a world wide pandemic lots of people don't want contact with other people, it's a sensible reaction to what is occuring in the real world, that's not about you, it's just reality.

    You've not said you are, but it you are an anti maskers that might also explain some of it too. If your not an anti masker, any anxiety you have will perhaps skew normal interaction's so your perceive them to be avoident as well.

    Aside from all that, you say your getting angry a lot, people also avoid angry people, women especially will as many of them have suffered from angry men in the past.

    Have you thought about getting some professional help with you anger issues?
    axelb likes this.
  3. Mxmillion

    Mxmillion New Member

    Hi Dead_pool.

    I appreciate and thank you for your response.
    I figured either they are uncomfortable or their parents do not want it/and/or with a male.
    That's also what I've kinda imagined(from what you've written).

    We all are masked up. They do not play.
    I never had any anger issues and I don't display it.
    I usually just sit and think about things, and am angry when at home.

    I did not have a great childhood.
    I do not fight with anyone, but it does not seem to matter.
    People today stare, defame character, and are looking for trouble no matter what.
    I've just gotten to the point where ignoring and walking away from things all the time no longer works for me.
  4. Nachi

    Nachi Valued Member Supporter

    Covid may be one of the problems, but if it is not the main one and considering what you said, with the girls I would think the problem could also be just that they don't know how to approach you, talk to you and therefore could perhaps feel a little awkward. If there is a large age gap between you and all the others, I could imagine you may not be very outgoing and speaking to others too much in general in that class as it is more like a kids class and therefore the girls might have a harder time talking to you as they do not know you and you are a bit out of place there? That is just something that comes to mind.

    I have also been sort of a connection between younger girls that came to our karate school and our teacher who is a man around 40 as well. I think the more shy girls who dodn't know him well found it harder to just come up and talk to him unless they really needed to sort something important.

    That, however, shouldn't be an issue with as you wrote, women of all ages. If you can for your looks at least the the point you aren't repulsive and you behave well, it could only be some issue you do not realize and I do not think it can be judged like that. :(
  5. axelb

    axelb Master of Office Chair Fu

    I have been in the same scenario, as a 30-40year old (90kg) male, it is not surprising that the teenager girls would not like being partnered up with a 40year old man in TKD.
    But the honest result I would rather be partnered up within someone a similar weight to me. Particularly an adult - I was ok with getting some training done, but the age and size difference, it is not really a lesson.
    I would learn more as a martial artist training with adults, particularly those of a similar weight and experience to me.

    As a result I went elsewhere, when the "adult" class is mostly teenagers, then even though they will accepting of older people, it doesn't fit.

    I would recommend looking for an alternative class (if they have others) or club in your region.

    The latter part about that being an item that angers you in general outside of training? Apart from what @Dead_pool said about seeking out advice, you're a 40 year old (male or female?)

    outside of the class why would you want to be interacting regularly with people who are that much younger unless you are a school teacher? or your profession interacts with people of that age?

    As an adult, it is on your to make sure you are in appropriate situations, and it is perfectly acceptable for children to be cautious of interacting with adults, there is a very good reason for this.
    These children will be too emotionally and socially immature to gauge which adults are "a nice person" and who have unsavoury intentions whilst showing socially inexperience children that they are a "nice person".

    I would also say that I am a nice person, but I would never be offended by girls, or even young adult women (particularly much smaller) being cautious about training with me, and even more so I would be perfectly accepting of them being cautious outside of class. They have more to be concerned about in their life than just being offended, so I would work on how your perception of this situations you are in.
    David Harrison, Nachi and Dead_pool like this.
  6. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    If I were a young girl, having a 40 year old male of any type would make me uncomfortable as that wouldn't be what I was used to.

    Don't take other people personally,

    You say you didn't have a great childhood, and that you feel you are quicker to anger, go and see if you can get some counseling online, or even through an app, there are many CBT (it's a type of very effective counseling, I use an App) apps that can help with that.

    It sounds as if you are on the verge of acting on these feelings, do not do that, potentially you could make your life much harder if you do, and also hurt somebody who is innocent, think how you felt when you were younger, Go and get help, think of it as a tune up for the mind.

    Cognitive behavioral therapy - Wikipedia
    Shmook, David Harrison and axelb like this.
  7. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    Hi Mxmillion, thanks for your reply, just so I'm super clear, your last sentence is a big problem, you don't want to hurt anyone, and you especially don't want to make your life harder, which it will be if you hurt anyone.

    You need to change the way your body and brain deal with stress, by engaging with some sort of therapy/counselling/stress reduction, and avoid as much stress as possible, if being around youngsters is stressing you out, go find a different adult orientated dojang/gym/dojo.
  8. combatarts

    combatarts Valued Member

    In every gym I've been in, the majority of girls prefer to train with other girls. Guys too. I'll admit that I avoid attractive women if I can when rolling in BJJ.

    Girls often have trouble finding partners as easily in classes, no matter if its ground game or striking because of biological differences in athleticism and (in the kind of gyms I go to) they are the far minority.

    I notice anyone who weighs much less would prefer not to spar or do drills with me, and I completely understand it. Think about the drills where your partner holds the pads and the instructor keeps telling you to use full power. It's not fun for a 140 pound person to hold pads as a 200 pound guy in shape pummels them with roundhouse kicks. It's also not fun for me when I go for a single leg and an overweight 260 pound dude just falls on top of me.

    But none of that matters as much as the fact that in the end, you don't know what is in their head. You don't know what they have been through. And you're talking about teenage girls, full of crazy hormones and developing brains, and often crippling insecurity. It's more likely that they avoid training with you because of their own insecurities. As a bad analogy, I went to a religious dinner at my university after I had been outside for a while and had some body odor. Tables were filling up in lines, and I was the last in line, and I sat down one away from the girl next to me, so that I was the last person at the table. I didn't even think about it until someone told me later that she liked me how it must have made her felt.
  9. Shmook

    Shmook Valued Member

    As dead pool said, please don't act on feelings.

    You say you don't display anger, but I'm guessing you do subconsciously and people are picking up on it. I immediately got that impression from your first post, and text can be very hard to convey things, but it stood out to me.

    Have you spoken to your coach about your issues/feelings? Bottling up and moaning anonymously on the internet won't fix anything. Talking to people does.
    axelb likes this.
  10. Marku85

    Marku85 This is the Way

    Have you considered looking for another TKD club or perhaps Hapkido?

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