Hi there everyone - long time student of martial arts here...with perhaps an age-old question: is there ever a point where one's etiquette feels strained with one's instructor? There are certain things that I wish I could discuss with him, being one of his longtime students (20 years), but that 'veil' gets in the way. It is my opinion that etiquette can be a way of allowing the instructor to have an artificial barrier that does not permit open honest discussion where it would really benefit the school. If, for instance, an instructor says something harsh or pecuniary (even passive-aggressive) to a high-ranking student, two normal people who are not instructor-student can enter into a conversation about it. At what point is the instructor just being unrealistically ignorant of the two-way street that is Real Etiquette? Thanks, everyone!
Greetings and welcome to MAP. I am afraid I am a bit confused by your use of the term etiquette. In my school, we have etiquette, but it does not get in the way of having a conversation with an instructor or my Sifu. Only that if I have a concern or issue, I approach the person in a respectful way. Etiquette is certain protocols we have - usually to build a respectful atmosphere. We bow when we enter the matted area or the school to respect our training area, we bow when entering to the pictures of our past masters, to show respect for the tradition handed down to us, we address each other by Mr or Ms (last name) etc. What specific etiquette at your school prevents you from feeling you can talk to an instructor? I would approach the person and ask if you could discuss a concern with them. Honestly, IMO any good school or instructor should be ok with this. If not, I would do the same thing to the person above them, if there is one, to discuss the issue. My school is pretty traditional, but I have always felt I could talk to my instructor, or my Sifu one the couple of occasions where I felt a need to. And really, approaching someone in a respectful way is just good etiquette anywhere, not just a MA school.
Instructor etiquette should primarily be to ensure safety on the mat, i.e. to maintain a level of awareness of the person in charge and their instructions. The degree of formality this takes varies from school to school, and some people (indeed some organisations as a whole) take it way too far, e.g. deference to an instructor is mandated even if you meet them while doing shopping. Personally I insist that my students treat me like anyone else off the mat. I correct them if they use honorifics or if they try to defer to me in conversations that have nothing to do with what I am teaching them. I don't want them to act like mindless drones, and I get very uncomfortable if someone tries to call me "sensei" or similar in a non-dojo environment. If your instructor is hiding behind the etiquette to the extent that you can't even talk to him off the mat,there's something very wrong with your relationship. Of course, the flip side is that he might just not want to discuss that subject with you!
I feel that etiquette should be relative to the country / environment etc It seems to me that when etiquette is highly structured and out of context it often becomes counter-productive and people feel that as long as they operate within the (strictly defied) rules then they are being good people. Sadly life doesn't work that way.... For example I know several teachers who are super hot on formal etiquette, but incredibly rude in the way that they interact with people - and the opposite seems to hold true more often than not As per the OP forced etiquette can also serve to prevent open discourse, debate and other dynamics which can push the teacher to better themselves Personally I only hope for normal British courtesy from folks training at my place, but I never enforce a code of behaviour - people seem to respond well to this Safety is a different thing and managed on a common sense basis rather than a formal set of behaviours
The purpose of etiquette is to maintain safety on the mat. We're kicking/punching/throwing each other -- that's serious business. Someone could get hurt. But what you're talking about goes beyond that. I'm not a 20-year student at any one school, but I know some 20-year students, and they would go out for drinks or food with the sensei after class. They would chit-chat before class about things going on in their lives. One guy was a tv show producer (this was in Los Angeles) and he invited the sensei to his studio to watch how shows are put together. My point is that after that many years of knowing each other, there was a relationship that extended off the mat. If you don't have that relationship after 20 years ... I don't know, man. Respectfully, I think you have to think about whether (1) the problem is with you, or whether (2) you need a different school, with a different head instructor.
