How far your parents or siblings were supportive of you in martial arts?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by Sarute Uchizaki, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. Sarute Uchizaki

    Sarute Uchizaki Valued Member


    I've reached quite far in martial arts despite more than 15 years of exposure with almost no support of my parents. I began with sport oriented karate in. My parents were supportive at first. But sports karate proved nothing to me when I was in trouble in the streets. Hence I abandoned it.

    A year later, I began to take an interest in kung fu and other martial arts which are more traditionally centred. My dad was neutral about this but my mom was against it. After 2 years, I had to take a pause due to high school exams. After high school, I resumed but forced to abandon (parents pressure) due to an arm injury during my first yellow belt exam which caused me to fail. I began to undertake a rebellious attitude towards things in life till I had to rebel against my parents so that I could resume again.

    My sensei was supportive despite that I did not pay the fees until I began to work. I used to take a break from martial arts training due to higher studies. Now, it is due change of lifestyle that I have to take a break from martial arts. The biggest problem is that from my downfall to my rise in martial arts, I undertook that path alone. Had my parents motivated me and encouraged me, I would already have been a black belt.

    On top of that, I have to conceal pocket knives and nunchakus. My mom already confiscated my knives despite that I hid them. The real reason for me to buy these kind of weapons is not only to enhance my knowledge in martial arts but also to keep my house safe and secure. By the time the police will intervene, I will already die if I keep relying on them. Unfortunately, my parents want me to remain a coward in life!

    For the moment, I'm keeping martial arts at arm's length due to temporary work issues but will definitely continue after they are solved. So, how far were your parents supportive of you in martial arts?
  2. David Harrison

    David Harrison MAPper without portfolio

    I had moved out of home by the time I started training, so I can't comment on that.

    I will say that you should respect the rules of whoever gives you a roof over your head. If your mum says that you aren't allowed to have weapons in the house, then don't disobey her.
    Mitch and aaradia like this.
  3. Hannibal

    Hannibal Cry HAVOC and let slip the Dogs of War!!! Supporter

    Hello and welcome to MAP :)

    WARNING: This is a response by Hannibal - The following replies may seem harsh, but they are not meant to be - they are more direct than you may be used to but take time to reflect.....

    Firstly how old are you? Many of your statements indicate mid to late teens and advice given will need to be adjusted accordingly if that is not the case

    Second no art will avail you "in the streets" in and of itself; true there are some that are more readily transferable, but if you are only in a short time the difference is negligible and even if you have more experience it still doesn't immediately equate to "street fighting ready" - self defense and martial arts are NOT synonymous

    Yellow belt took 2 years? That is either a VERY strict school or else you were very sporadic

    These are excuses for stopping not reasons

    If it matters as much as you say you would find a way; if it doesn;t you find an excuse

    No, if you had self discipline you *might* have become a blackbelt - whilst encouragement is nice to have from outside people, it is by no means essential and there is no way that your success - or lack thereof - is parental unles you choose to make that an excuse

    Good - weapons are NOT toys and taking a life is no small matter; when you deploy a knife that is the level of force you are taking it too. Removing your ability to do injury damage in THEIR home is VERY sensibel; if those rules offend you, move out

    My father was pretty supportive, my mother REALLY did not like it. However that was irrelevant to me - I did it for me not them.

    Now here you are making excuses again that have zero to do with your parents, so again the issue clearly isn't with them
  4. Simon

    Simon Moved on Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    Same here. My brother and I started at the same time and my mother thought I'd be the one to use it for the wrong reasons.

    35 years later I'm still training.
    axelb, Hannibal and Sarute Uchizaki like this.
  5. Sarute Uchizaki

    Sarute Uchizaki Valued Member

    But did you prove that your mother thought wrong?
  6. Hannibal

    Hannibal Cry HAVOC and let slip the Dogs of War!!! Supporter

    Does it matter?
    pgsmith likes this.
  7. Simon

    Simon Moved on Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    Very quickly.

    I trained hard and the growth was evident.

    Friends nicknamed me Bruce (Bruce Lee) and even walking the streets it's what I was called. My parents heard that and knew I was serious.

    Everyone knew not to call on Tuesdays and Thursdays as that was set aside for training.
    pgsmith, axelb and Sarute Uchizaki like this.
  8. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    And yet 3 years ago you said you had 7 years experience.......

    You don't need anyone's "support" to go training, you just have to turn up, also quiting trIning after your coach has let you train for free is a very uncool move.
    Hannibal likes this.
  9. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Oh wow, really? Sorry, I can think of no not harsh way to say the following. I do say it to be helpful and hope you see the error of your thinking and develop newer, more positive attitudes towards training.

    No one stops anyone from getting a black belt/ sash except YOU. Passing off the responsibility on your parents is the sort of attitude that separates you from the mentality of a getting/ being a black sash. A black sash finds a way to become one - no matter the obstacles put in your way. The sort of people who pass off responsibility for their own training on others is the sort of person who does not have a black sash mentality. That is on you and you alone IMO.

    The physical part of getting my black sash and fringe was very hard. But the toughest challenge/ path for me was the mental one. And I have talked to other black level students who felt the same way. I used to wonder........I would see so many people THIS close to black and then quit. I couldn't get it- WHY would they quit so close to their goal? And then I formatted for one. And I got it. It is grueling. It tests your fortitude, your will. I could see why it would make people quit. It was grueling, it seemed like I would never get there. (But I finally did.)

    You are choosing a break from martial arts. that is fine, nothing wrong with it. But live with the consequences of your choices- don't blame your parents. You COULD still be pursuing a black sash/ belt. You could focus on what you can develop become, don't blame others for that choice. Accept and live with your choice like an adult.

    One of the things that separates an advanced student from a beginner or intermediate student is the mentality. You learn to push yourself, you motivate yourself, you take responsibility for yourself and your training. You are not expressing the mentality/ mindset of an advanced student.

    I am sorry you felt lack of support from your parents, but that is no excuse for where you are in your training. That is a separate issue to work out with them.

    Jeez, you had the support of a Sensei who let you train for free! That is pretty amazing that you received that gift. That is a pretty strong showing of support. How about focusing on how lucky you were to have that in a Sensei? I bet you could have a strong support network of fellow students as you help each other achieve your goals too. It certainly helps. But still, it is ultimately up to you, not anyone else.

    You live in your parents house and break their rules? Aren't you in a traditional style? Do they not teach you about honor and respect? If you live in a household where no weapons are allowed, it is a super lame thing to hide them and have them.

    Don't like their rules? Feel it is important to have them? Move out of their house to rules you can accept. Do you live there rent free or with low rent? Are they supporting you? You say your house, but unless your parents moved in with you, that isn't the case.

    Lying and hiding weapons from your parents is not honorable. It is a move with a lack of integrity. I urge you to rethink your attitudes towards your training and your parents.
  10. Mitlov

    Mitlov Shiny

    I am VERY supportive of my kids training in martial arts. So much that I came back to training to train with them.

    But if I made a rule about weapons in the house, and my kids broke that rule and kept hidden knives in the house, there would be hell to pay.

    The rule is probably less about knives in the abstract and more about whether or not they trust you with them. Weapons are a BIG responsibility. And I'm not inclined to second guess them based on what we've seen here. And regardless, their house, their rules.

    If you're actually in your 20s and not exaggerating about fifteen years of training...get a job, get your own apartment, make your own rules. Until then, respect your parents' rules.
  11. querist

    querist MAP Resident Linguist?

    When I was in Junior High and High school my mother was very supportive of my training, especially since I paid for it myself (I worked on weekends) and rode my bike there. I obeyed her rules and there were no problems. My mother knew she could trust me with weapons because she knew me and knew I'd never use them unless it was a matter of life and death.

    Now, as a parent, one of my sons still trains and helps me teach. We have rules about weapons and he follows them. It's my house and therefore my rules. Also, as a parent I am responsible for their safety.

    To me, it sounds like you need to respect your parents and follow their rules or move out.
    aaradia, Hannibal and Mitlov like this.
  12. Ero-Sennin

    Ero-Sennin Highly Skilled Peeper Supporter

    I shot the back window of the family van out with a BB gun. My mom loves telling the story about how I came in the house with a packed bag and told her I was leaving for good because I had done something unforgivable. I was like 7 or 8. They didn't need to take any BB guns or weapons away from me because I wouldn't go near anything for fear of damaging stuff.

    Fast forward to my teen years and I was running around chopping at trees with a cheap katana I bought online, twirling sai in my hands through the house, throwing knives at boards with my little brother, and whacking things with a bo. My pops was pretty supportive of my martial arts pursuits, not sure about my mom as I never bothered to ask. Neither of their opinions contributed to my want to do martial arts or my performance in them. Even when my pops couldn't take me to karate I was in the yard looking like a complete weirdo doing kata.

    As for your mom taking your weapons, dude, you have no right to bring things into somebody else's home that you're staying in. Until you can put yourself into a position to support yourself without their assistance (paying minimum rent to stay is still assistance), then you have to abide by their rules.

    Independence is a great thing man. A couple years back I had to stay with my parents for medical reasons, and they were helping me get to appointments and whatnot. One of my main motivations to get better, and I kid you not, was to get the hell out of my parent's house. It sucks having to live by other people's rules . . . I get it, but it's a matter of integrity and respect to follow the rules of people allowing you to stay with them and given how you've described your circumstances it doesn't sound like you're a major contributor financially to the well being of the household. Other than your own interests in life, what actual consideration do you provide that you feel gives you the right to do what you want? As of now you just sound like you're blaming other people for not being able to do what you want, without acknowledging that you don't have the ability to provide for yourself. You kinda' sound like the stereotypical millennial that's destroying fabric softener, paper towels, and Applebees.
    Mitch, axelb, Hannibal and 5 others like this.
  13. Mangosteen

    Mangosteen Hold strong not

    as a millenial - we are the generation that grew up hearing from our grandparents and parents that the world will end in our lifetime because they loved the conveniences of fabric softeners, paper towels, tetrapaks and irresponsible agri-business (chain restaurants with irresponsible sourcing).
    so excuse me if the lessons they taught left their mark and we're unconsciously moving back to multigenerational households, reusuable dish clothes, clean but not baby soft clothes and responsibly sourced food like our great-grandparents.

    But OP sounds like a child/under the age of 18 so he's not even a millenial.
    Archibald likes this.
  14. Ero-Sennin

    Ero-Sennin Highly Skilled Peeper Supporter

    Calm down man xD. I'm a millennial too. That's why I said "the stereotypical millenial." I meant it in the negative, "this is a ridiculous generalization but you're fitting it" kind of way. I certainly fit none of the stereotypes of my generation, nor does the majority of people I know. The only ones that seem to fit the stereotype from my experiences are either the affluent or those able to take full advantage of government subsidies/programs. I was aware he wasn't a millennial, just making the comparison, lol.
  15. Mangosteen

    Mangosteen Hold strong not

    I got #triggered
    This issue is just one of the many hills I die on
  16. Nachi

    Nachi Valued Member Supporter

    I agree with what has been said.

    I understand that if you were in high-school, you should obey your parents and if they say no to something they would have to pay for etc., you should listen. They probably have a reason for it.

    When you say after high school you had to rebel to resume training... well, what exactly did you do? I mean, how much did they do to hold you back?

    I started MA when in university. At that time I just informed my parents, I never really sought a permission at that time. My mum was against it, but she is against most of my ideas, I'd say, so I didn't really pay much heed, to be honest :D But her resoning was something along the lines why can't I be normal and so something more girly.
    You sound like you're old enough to make your own decisions and to pay for trainings yourself. Maybe also old enough to blame your parents for not having a black belt yet. Is it some kind of a race? If you want the black belt that much, then start training again... If you are not training now or planning to start, what does a black belt really matter? Seriously, if you want to do it, then just do and don't blame your parents, who, in some way, probably wanted the best for you anyway.

    And you are lucky you found a sensei who let you train for free. That is very generous of him to make such an exception.

    I don't much understand about you having to take that path alone... Especially traditional MAs I take as your own internal path. It is about you and how you train and work and improve. Along with friend and teachers in your club, but this is ultimately about yourself. What do you feel your parents should have done for you to make you feel not alone?

    Generally from what you wrote, don't get me wrong, I don't mean to be harsh, either, but... you probably need to change your mindset a little. Despite what you write, you seem to have a close relationship with your parentsk, which is great. Or you just listen to their advises a lot (I do, too, they are parents after all), but maybe you should try to stand on your own legs a bit more. I am not sure if it is a lack of self-confidence or maybe an internal fear to dissapoint your parents. If you are already a working person, it is time you learnt to do your decisions yourself. Ask for advice, of course, but be an adult who takes responsibility for yourself.

    But it is great you seem to still have an interest in martial arts. I hope you will be able to train again soon. And it's great you're not giving up. I hope :D
  17. Mitch

    Mitch Lord Mitch of MAP Admin

    More tough love from me, to go with the excellent advice already given :)

    Paragraph 1. I can understand quitting sport karate if you were just interested in being able to defend yourself. But if your interests also included being fast, strong, fit, and understanding timing and range, it might not have been a bad idea to continue it. It's not an either/or, depending on what is available in your area, but dismissing activities that will make you quick, powerful, with great cardio, and some idea of hitting and not getting hit is not always a good idea :)

    Paragraph 2. Traditionally centred arts are almost always worse at teaching you to defend yourself. That's a broad generalisation, but sport training makes people good at doing stuff to people that they don't want. Traditional stuff doesn't always allow for the fact the other person doesn't want it. As for the rest, I disagree with some folk here. If you're doing important exams, drop your MA classes for a while. Try and go if you can, it can be good stress relief, but MA will still be there once you get in to college/Uni/Para's/whatever.

    Paragraph 3. Never, ever train for anyone else. Not the people next to you in class, not the people watching class, not the friends or family who know you train. You always train for you. Help others whenever you can, encourage others all the time, but others have no place in your motivation. My kids love their daddy, not whether he is a 3rd dan or 4th. That challenge is for me to take. Theoretically I could be around 8th Dan now, but I prioritised other things at different times in my life, like my wife, my kids, my students. I'd have been a fool to compromise any of those things for MA.

    Paragraph 4. Concealed knives etc in your parent's house is a terrible idea. Show them the respect they deserve and live by their rules. In addition, unless you are attending class, you aren't learning anything about those weapons, you're setting yourself up to be a statistic of another person who got their weapon taken away from them and used on them. Finally, your parents want you to, "remain a coward in life?" No. You need to do some serious thinking about this. They want you to be safe, to live long and prosper :) Carrying a knife indicates a willingness to kill or be killed, and to escalate situations to that point. Unless you are highly trained it's a terrible idea. I can't stress this strongly enough, respect their rules.

    Finally, just relax. Find a class where you like the Instructor. Forget everything else, just a place where you can train regularly, learn some basics, and actually enjoy going. Then keep going. Do that for a good few years. After a while, as circumstances change, look around if needs be. But I have taken many of my TKD students on Sim Days, well outside their comfort zone, and they have done well whilst learning a huge amount. Because, going back to your 1st Paragrah, they are fast, strong, fit, and understand range :)


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