Young People Being Transgender

This is quite a thorny subject, but one that's been on my mind recently and I want to get some outside perspectives on things. Basically, the root of all this is my sister told me the other month she was trans, and she came out with her mum about it publicly last week. I have to admit to having some reservations about this.

Now, I don't have reservations about her being trans. If she is, then cracking, makes no odds to my life and if she's happy then it's not my problem and she has my blessing and support. Caring brother I know. But that if is central to the whole thing and where my reservations lie.

I have had a problem for a while with the explosion of young people on social media claiming to have problems of one form or another. A little while ago it was autism, now everybody it seems has anxiety, and now trans is doing the rounds. I'm ridiculously sceptical of the amount of people claiming to have medical anxiety with symptoms that seem like just being shy or even normal, and to be honest I'm kind of the same with people claiming to be trans.

Gender identification has been liberated quite nicely over the last couple of years, and work has been done to break down the divide between male and female, masculine and feminine etc. That's all good. However in young people's rush to label and identify with every single tiny deviance from that spectrum, they seem to have done a lot more to stereotype the male and female identity and anyone who deviates seems to be self-identifying as trans.

I'm aware transgender has only recently come into some form of acceptance, so I'm aware there will be an amount of young people who are trans who previously wouldn't have said so, but it seems that the barrier for that identity is being placed quite low. Perhaps from a bigoted position, my idea of being transgender is being genuinely uncomfortable in your born sex. The whole "woman trapped in a man's body" or what have you. However a large portion of what I see on social media identifying as trans is simply girls who prefer action to dolls, men who don't like cars and guns and all that stereotypical jazz. Basically, if previously you would call yourself a tomboy, you now call yourself trans.

Getting to the point slowly, this is my concern with my sister. I'll hold my hands up and admit I was sceptical from the start. Tumblr has quite numbed me to sexual identity among young people at the moment. I can only see so many pre teens call themselves asexual or see people using the 156th sexuality identity before I get a bit exasperated and sceptical. Anyway, I asked my sister what made her recognise she was trans, and she wasn't able to answer. I know that's a bit of a mean question and I imagine it would be hard to identify, but all she could say was she doesn't really like girly things, and she likes hanging out with guys more.

Now perhaps I'm simply getting old and bigoted, but I wasn't satisfied with that as an answer and it hasn't really got any better. This wouldn't be a problem, except she is following people her age on YouTube in the States who are going through hormone therapy to change genders and considering trying to find a way to do it herself.

Being up front with my opinions, I feel like young people at the moment are grabbing labels left right and centre to try and create an identity. I think a lot of the gender stuff I see on social media is, frankly, an increasingly sized crock, and I think its a bad idea for teenagers just hitting puberty to be making decisions about things like hormones and gender reassignment. I feel like far from liberating people from stereotypes, the counter to masculinity and femininity has entrenched a much narrower view of how to conform to being male or female and young people are identifying as transgender when really they're just a person.

As an example, my girlfriend isn't particularly feminine. She looks after herself, she cares about her appearance, she likes some "girly" things. She's also a fighter, has spent most of her life in a gym, prefers being friends with men, enjoys a range of nerdier things that are somewhat still attached to men, but in no way has any questions about her being a woman despite her relative lack of what would be stereotyped as femininity. A lot of young girls I see on social media identifying as trans fit that type of category more than they do the people who seem torn up and confused and sometimes suicidal over their mind and body not gelling together. Identifying as trans now doesn't seem to be an unease or a dissonance with your own body, but rather a label to mean you have hobbies and interests outside your stereotype. In addition, I'm aware there's more young people identifying as gay and lesbian which is great. But I also know there's still a huge amount of confusion and uncertainty and trauma going on with young people as they come to terms with who they are. It seems weird to me that that seems to be missing in the vast majority of young trans identity for what I would have presumed to be an equally as unsettling and confusing situation.


The point I'm taking a long time getting to is I'm not really sure how to handle this. I was fine with just rolling with it, supporting her, going with the name changes and the identity and seeing how things played out once she got a bit older. But with her taking cues from people going through hormone therapy it has me concerned. I was confused enough at her age about my sexuality and concerned about not being "masculine" and whatnot and doing general puberty confusion and growing into myself, and I didn't have all the labels and identity markers young people today have. I can't shake a feeling I'm just being a bigot, but I also can't the feeling that kids are dragging labels onto themselves to make the confusion of puberty easier, and potentially making life altering decisions at a time you're challenged enough as it is.

Basically I'm just looking for opinions on whether:

1) Big picture, whether some of my observances about young people, social media and labels has any merit or I'm being a judgey grumpy man

2) What the best thing to do with regards to my family situation is. I do want to just support her and roll with it and see if it sticks because for all I know she may genuinely be transgender which is cool. But from talking to her its hard for me to see that, rather than her just being what I would have called a tomboy and when she's older she'll be like all the other women I know who don't conform to girly girl stereotypes but aren't considering hormone therapy and sex changes.

Sorry for the long rambly post. I'm not great at organising thoughts at the best of times.

 

I think it has become harder for people to "find themselves".

The problem with the media, not just social media is that it is immediate and accessible by all.

When I was young we had 3 television channels and it was quite a big thing when we got 4.

I recall the first digital watch and it just having a calculator in school was pretty good.

We had youth clubs and that is where we gathered. There were maybe 20 kids at most.

The social circle was pretty small and although you could be excluded for not being cool you were excluded from a small group.

Now social media links everyone to everyone.

I look at how many "friends" people have on FB and the young can have hundreds and actually now only a few of them.

The gossip is massive and immediate.

Social media decides what is cool and what isn't and I personally think being part of something is harder now.

I think the one thing MMA has got right is the sense of belonging to a group. It has the gear, it has the cool look to the outsider and it has the gang mentality to the outsider.

Youth clubs have shut as adults don't want to run them. The legal ramifications are a nightmare, so where do kids go? They go to the internet for their sense of belonging, their "friends", and their social life.

Trouble is that social life is online.

The young don't communicate so well in real life, confidence online is easy.

In regard to the people seeking to label themselves I can understand why.

Maybe they are breaking away from how the media wants us to be portrayed. More and more are admitting to mental health issues and I think that's a great leap forward.

If your sister is trans, then firstly I'm glad she's been brave enough to tell the family. It'll remove a tremendous amount of mental anguish.

If she is just searching for who she really is then I'd let her run with it.

As a caring brother I'd suggest all you can go is be there for her and keep a watchful eye to make sure she makes smart choices.

Edit. And take philosoraptor's advice. Maybe speak to one of the support groups.

 

Or,

I like boys - good.

I like girls - good

I like boys and girls - good.

As long as decisions are smart ones and correct for where you are at then all of the above is fine in my book.

It's the labelling, or at least the societal expectations that can be hard to live up to.

 

The LGBT Foundation's contact details are in this thread.

Resource Library

They'll have all the answers.

 

That's kind of what I've been trying to do. I mean I genuinely don't care if she is, more power to her and she's a hell of a lot braver than I ever have been to acknowledge and roll with it. But it is the growing up bit. Mostly my fears are purely that I don't know what the controls on this stuff are in the UK and I don't want her to rush into choices. Like if someone is unsure of their sexuality you can play around with it and see how you feel and chalk whatever else up to experience. But the people she's watching on youtube who are taking hormones through puberty are doing things that, I assume, can't be undone and are more lasting. It's her interest in the chemical side of things that's causing me concern. My understanding is that stuff is much harder to get over here but that doesn't necessarily mean much these days.

EDIT: Just turned 13. The name change has gone ahead too and I like the choice

 

Another part that's making it quite a struggle in my head actually. I spent ages when I was younger, on MAP a good few times too, arguing vehemently against being talked down to for being a teenager and adults acting like 14/15 is mentally the same as 6. (15 is a fantastic age for society not knowing how to treat people) Now I'm basically doing the same thing second guessing her. If it was literally anything other than this sort of thing it wouldn't be an issue. I'm probably the only brother in the world who doesn't have a problem with the idea of a younger sister discovering sex for example. Its purely the idea of her taking it a step further while she's younger and knowing how messed up I was sexually at her age.

An additional thing I forgot to mention is her parents (half sister) are going through a divorce and according to her mum she's been acting out very hard against it. I already know a significant amount of stuff she told me about how her mum reacted to her coming out was all made up. So on top of my base reservations towards it due to puberty and hormones and the apparently rampant misuse of health issues among youths at the moment, there's the added nag of how much of this could be a response to that. Again, I did some dumb stuff during my parents divorce. Around her age I was an edge away from attempted suicide due to family and a few other issues. I mean i was a messed up kid so its not really fair to use me to gauge anyone else in the world, but if I could go back now I wouldn't trust myself with life altering decisions towards my body either.

Doing some more googling it seems unlikely she'll get to make that decision for a few years anyway so I don't have much to worry about. Buuuuuut I'm a sad person and MAP is where I like going to ramble and straighten my head so here we are

 

First, I am making the assumption that she is female to male. So I am going to refer to her in male terms. If I got this wrong, let me know and I will edit and fix it.

I think there are a couple of misconceptions on the posts so far. Granted, I am not an expert of the T in my GLBT community. But I do know a couple of things.

1. The idea of waiting until you are an adult is really not good for truly trans gendered people. The ability to really transition with hormones BEFORE puberty hits can make a huge difference in how -I don't know the right term- successfully(?) the change happens. As in you will be more convincing in matching your outside gender change to your inside feelings if you deal with it before puberty.

Plus, and I could be wrong, don't they have to meet with medical people and psychologists before being given hormones? To help make sure someone doesn't make a decision that can hurt them later in life? I know it used to be that way, has that changed?

2. That is is some easy fad like decision- no. I largely disagree. I hear this all the time with trans gendered issues becoming more out in the mainstream community. And it is something that GLB people get all the time too. The whole, you aren't really gay/ lesbian/ bi- it is a fad. I got told I was going through a phase- it really was not helpful. The agony I went through coming out- the years it took me to accept myself. The fear of rejection...........a few cool stories in the news do not take away the reality of the bigotry still in our society. Society is REALLY hard on you, you will suffer a LOT of discrimination in life. You are at a greater risk for being attacked. There is a high rate of suicide. There are far easier ways to be cool and follow a real fad- fads that don't have such negative repercussions.. No, I don't buy the fad thing. I just don't.

Of course, there are always a few misguided people with mental illness in any part of society that could glam onto anything. I am sure you can find an anecdotal story or two, but in general people who say this just don't understand the difficulties one faces going through a decision like this.

We say T+GLBT like it is one community. But when I was active in the local community, there was a LOT of bigotry against transgendered people WITHIN the community. Granted, this was a long time ago, but I doubt that has changed. I had an ex girlfriend who got involved with helping the trans gendered community. She was not trans gendered herself. I went to her lesbian wedding. Group of mostly lesbians of all types. And a few people from her trans gendered circles. I hung out with a male to female trans woman. Fascinating woman- like several difficult Doctorate degrees. She was highly intelligent. And, unlike most I had known, she was male to female but- well dykey. Not all makeup and dresses. This was outside my previous experience. Thing is, I ended up spending the evening hanging out with her. But most others there avoided her like the plague. I heard snide comments about her using the female restroom and other unkind things. In a group of women that have experienced bigotry and should have known better. It was really appalling.

Now the fact that she didn't talk to you about why, that does concern me. But it could be that she felt uncomfortable for any number of reasons. Southpaw, you seem like you are being super cool about this. But I don't know the context so I am going to throw out some things to consider. Maybe none of this is relevant.

He could have not understood why you were asking and thought you were being judgmental. The fear of being discarded when coming out in whatever way - I can't tell you how scary it is. And honestly i think it is worse for trans people than being GLB. He might have been responding that way, even if it wasn't warranted by how you acted- projection of fears. Or it could be that some doubts crept into your tone maybe? It could have been who else was around. It could have been where you were- the location and who was passing by. He could have just frozen with fear of things besides rejection.

I would try and ask again. In a relaxed quiet environment that is private and just the two of you. Reiterate your love and acceptance!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stress that enough. I have no relationship with my dad over being lesbian. I will have to live with that the rest of my life. I am always so wistful when I see groups like PFLAG marching in our Pride parades. I would have loved for nothing better than for my dad to have been there supporting me like that.

Ask again, stressing you have questions but you want to learn and understand. One thing that really stuck with me. I talked to someone about a friend that wasn't dealing with my coming out as easily as some others. And I was told paraphrasing "how long did it take you to accept yourself? How much time did you spend reading up, asking questions, etc? Give that friend a chance to grow in the same way you did yourself." So, say you would like to learn and admit some of your questions may seem dumb or ignorant, but ask to for permission to really talk so that you can learn and REALLY understand him. Find out how confidential you both want to have this conversation be before it starts so you can both feel safe. Maybe he doesn't want some of what is said to go to other family members or friends?

It might be a really good idea to reach out to the resource Simon gave, or another similar one. Surely there must be some online groups. Although that could be hit or miss. Ask if there is a support group like PFLAG for families of trans gendered people. Go, you don't have to go to a lot of meetings, but maybe one or two and have a safe zone to ask questions from others in your situation. Or ask if there are people who are trans gendered who you can talk to. Let them know you want to educate yourself before talking to your sister/ brother.

Again, suicide is very high in trans gendered communities. Knowing you don't fit the societal norm is very difficult and painful. Your sister/ brother does not have an easy path ahead. He is lucky to have you. You are in a position where a little love can REALLY make a difference.

I am going to reach out to someone I know and see if I can get her to look at this thread and offer some insight that might help. A former fellow student from my school - good people.

 

Just seen this on BBC News.

Consultation on changing legal gender to be launched

The UK government is considering plans to make the process of changing legal gender easier.

Currently, people must be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, a condition where a person's biological sex and identity does not match.

The equalities minister says she wants to reform the 2004 Gender Recognition Act to make the process less intrusive.

LGBT campaign group Stonewall says the current system is "demeaning and broken".

The 2004 law says people wanting a change of gender to be legally recognised in the UK need to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate.


This is issued by the Gender Recognition Panel, a judicial body which legally determines what gender an individual defines as.

As well as a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, the person applying must provide evidence that they have been in transition for at least two years.

'Inclusive society'

The most recent figures, for the three months between January and March 2017, show that 112 people applied to change their gender, with 88% of those being granted the certificate.

Equalities Minister Justine Greening said when it was first introduced, the Gender Recognition Act was "cutting edge" but now it needs to be updated.

The consultation on the law will begin in the autumn, she said.

"This government is committed to building an inclusive society that works for everyone, no matter what their gender or sexuality, and today we're taking the next step forward.

"We will build on the significant progress we have made over the past 50 years, tackling some of the historic prejudices that still persist in our laws and giving LGBT people a real say on the issues affecting them."

'Huge inequalities'

The proposals come ahead of the 50th anniversary of Parliament voting for the partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967.

The Sexual Offences Act 1967 made private homosexual acts between men over the age of 21 legal.

Suzanna Hopwood, a member of the Stonewall Trans Advisory Group, said reform was a key priority for removing "huge inequalities" for trans people.

"It's vital that this reform removes the requirements for medical evidence and an intrusive interview panel, and finally allows all trans people to have their gender legally recognised through a simple administrative process."

Ms Greening also launched a survey to get LGBT people to help shape government policy in the future.

The government wants people to share their experiences of the health service, in education and at work.

Consultation on changing legal gender to be launched - BBC News