What makes you realize, that there is a "bad time" coming?

Discussion in 'Mental Health and Addiction' started by Latikos, May 30, 2016.

  1. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    It's fun, so it's easy.
    Would be awesome if I would actually get better lol

    I move a lot too, they just don't care.
    For a while two jumped off the bed, just to come back right away; now they just keep on their place, even when I move my feel below them for example :D

    The names are Wesley, Giles, Rodney & Radek.
    And yes, Radek and Rodney are girls, but they don't mind their names :Angel:

    That's kind of normal for me.
    I have phases in which I read or play for endless hours and actually spend too much time on it.
    Same with the telly. I have times where I watch seven episodes of a TV show, just to take a short break and continue.

    Only thing that breaks the circle is my training: When it's time for that the TV goes off and I go.
    In case I have my "reading phase" I just keep continuing when I'm on my way.

    And feeling lost... yeah, sort of have that all the time :eek:
    But I think, we're might be talking of two different versions of "being lost" here. So I'm most certainly not belittling your problem with that!
  2. flaming

    flaming Valued Member

    Leon is a small fat one but he did nearly kill my dad by giving him an infection from a bite that required anti-biotics.

    Lucifer is massive.

    The other day Leon managed to catch a bird which is very odd. But he didn't kill it he just sat there watching it die. I sent Lucifer out hoping he would Finnish it off but he just watched it die as well.
  3. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    Since I'm totally within a very bad phase right now, I thought I add my own experience here again.

    This time it's a bit different, because I pretty much got thrown in it from one second within the next, so there wasn't much with warning signals this time around.

    But, the two major points (I made them bold, for skimming readers), what happened to me this time:
    The self-harm came back instantly.
    Only once so far though *knock on wood*, spoilertag in case someone here gets easily triggered, not because it's too vivid
    but it left a scratch-like patch on my right forearm, where I scratched it open and some minor scratches on my knuckles where I scraped along the city walls.
    So at least nothing major.
    Both is also essentially healed. It can still be seen, but that's because it's "new" skin on slightly tanned "old" skin, so to speak.

    Since my guardian asked for my promise to try not to do it again and one of my teachers being disappointed, because of it, I at least have very good reasons to fight back that urge :eek:
    I also nearly promised him not to it again, but asked if it weren't better, if I only promise not to try.
    Either way it's a very good motivation, because I can't stand it to break my promises. It happens (it actually has happened with said teacher and the scratching), but it works very well for me either way.

    Another thing are my tics.
    They were less for a while, but with roughly last Wednesday they came back like a wave.
    Yesterday they were on a high for a while - during guest training with another teacher, where my Sensei took part as well.

    It actually got so bad, that I sat out the whole Aikido-part, because they made it impossible to concentrate.
    When "our" part came they became less bad, but were still there.
    (My guess: More familiar practices; but it was still hard to concentrate, so some of the techniques took me longer than they should have).

    Needless to mention, that my teacher wasn't too happy afterwards.

    Compared, minor points:

    Also being in a depressive episode I was told to re-evaluate my decision about not taking SSRIs again.
    No one told me to it (as in to take them), but please to rethink it.

    I guess that's what tags along, when you mention that getting up and actually doing something - anything - is a fight on its own, as long as I don't have any appointments, I am looking for; and even some of those are being hard to look forward to.

    In the same run I had to promise to call my guardian right away, in case I feel too suicidal (I don't expect that though; sure everything is bad right now and I sort of feel dead, but I don't want to die! And even if I would, I would be too much of a coward ;) )

    Plus: The SSRIs could help with my tic-disorder as well.
    After yesterday that's actually tempting, but on the other hand they got better (they weren't gone, but got better), once I took my herbal sedatives.
    Which, unfortunately, I stopped taking as well, so...
    On a third hand - I need an octopus - they come in phases where they're worse either way, so I had bad times despite taking the sedative.
    So the SSRIs might still make it better...
    On a fourth hand: They're still a medication... well, difficult.

    I'm also short-tampered, which I hate.
    Because it makes me feel, like for example my cats are annoying me all the time - despite them being great and lovely and only come to cuddle (or play at times).
    So they aren't doing anything, that would actually qualify as "being annoying".

    And I would really need to tidy up; but I have even less motivation for that, than for anything.

    And because I'm having a go: Not only my guardian will leave, but also the chaplain, who counseled me a bit.
    And the demonstration I should have with my teacher can't be done after all, because my teacher has to leave that weekend for work.
    Gee, not even the zoo tomorrow works out, but at least we'll go there next week.
    Instead I have one of my two MRIs appointments tomorrow...
    Darn it, I sound like I'm being a construction area :bang:
  4. Pretty In Pink

    Pretty In Pink Moved on MAP 2017 Gold Award

    Clean your room. Clean it spotless. Even if it takes you an hour. Doing one positive thing that can set off the rest of your day. Cleaning your room, to cleaning the house, to leaving the house...
  5. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    I hate cleaning up!
    And since I miraculously manage to have it look like a bomb just got throw in again within two days, it's usually not helping.

    I get at a point where it's too much chaos, so I work a little on that - but stop once it's on a point, where it's "okay" again.

    And if it would only take an hour, I might even do it. But let's just say, it would take "a little" longer...
    At least it's not exactly dirty, but only messy.

    Yeah... my room is essentially as chaotic as my head seems to be ;) :eek:

    I actually prefer leaving the house once I have a reason to, so I don't have to see the chaos, if it gets too bad.

    Ironically the thing that made me leave the house last week to take a walk was Pokémon Go :eek:
    It sometimes helps me, if I do something physical, so I gave that a try once in the middle of the night and went out for two hours or so.

    My guardian actually made me realize even more, that this sometimes helps in my case.
    So we're going for a walk a lot, when we have our appointments.
    And play Pokémon along the way ;) - it actually helped getting some really good conversations going.
    Because, when one of us was cursing at the phone or catching a Pokémon, it gave me time to bring some order into my head to keep the conversation going; so after each break that came due to the game, we managed easily to go back to the conversation - just to make clear, that he doesn't get payed for playing at my side or anything ^^

    An hour ago we had a great talk about my tic disorder (and about how (female?) Goldini always become Goldkings but never Goldqueens); he knows a lot about it due to personal experience and we already agreed to take the subject up again tomorrow.

    As soon as I have appointments I do leave the house.
    Be it my appointments with my guardian, my physiotherapy for my back, visits at docs, training... - some of it, is just more difficult than it used to be.

    Later today I try and see if I get another opinion from someone who looks at me from the outside about medication.
    I'm at a point, where I wonder myself of the re-evaluation will end :eek:
  6. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    Anyone still come in here? I don't sleep properly (can't fall asleep, and wake up very early... about 4 am), I lose interest in things I usually love, I withdraw. Hate it :(. Can't really see a lot of good on the immediate horizon.
  7. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    Sorry to hear that, kandi.

    Have you taken any steps to help your sleep, or do you just go to bed and hope for the best?

    I ask because there are things you can do.
  8. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    I just go to bed. I find my thoughts are so heavy sometimes that I worry I'm going to dream about them... and that is scarier because it is less controlled. I'm just in a dark space.

    Exercise feels so weird when I'm depressed. It makes you feel good, but that feels strange / foreign.
  9. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    It's an ever increasing problem and isn't helped by the access to multi television stations, mobile phones and the internet.

    The first thing you should do is prepare for sleep and that starts in the afternoon with decreased caffeine intake.

    At night put down the phone, turn of the internet and television and perhaps read a book.

    Please take a look at this thread.


    The problem once we hit the pillows is the mind then takes time to go through all that has happened in the day and what could potentially happen tomorrow.

    There are some breathing techniques you can do that focus the mind and they only take a few minutes.

    It's also important to be able to switch if from exercise.

    You don't want to be going to bed buzzing from the workout only to feel rough in the morning because of it.

    If I teach an intense session I'll finish with 5 10 minutes of a Tai Chi breathing drill.

    if you are interested I can shoot a video on the breathing drills I teach people to aid their sleep and stop their minds from wandering all over the place.

    The other thing I'd urge you to do if your thoughts are a little on the heavy/nasty side is to talk to someone.

    As I've said it's an ever increasing issue and the professional help is out there.
  10. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    Breathing drills would be great. Thanks Simon.
  11. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    Cool. It may take me a week or two to get something together, but I will do it.

    I'll possibly start a new thread and get some interaction going.
  12. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    Sorry to hear, that you're not doing so well at the moment, kandi.

    I don't have any good advice in the moment, but I wanted you to know, that I still read that thread and all.

    Since I was bordering on a nervous breakdown a bit, I didn't have the head to comment earlier.

    I hope you're doing a bit better by now!
  13. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    Thanks Latikos. I'm in survival mode. Hope you are on the up.
  14. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    Well, I'm back on medication, so I'm in working order again.
    At the very least I learned, that for the moment I'm depending on medication.
    Which, quite frankly, sucks. But at least, it's working.

    In case you want to talk (well, write) - feel free.
    I know that being in survival mode isn't actually fun, so...
    Dead_pool likes this.
  15. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    Providing the weather is okay tomorrow I'll go to the local park and get the video done for you.
  16. Martinroy

    Martinroy Valued Member

    Nothing make you realize that bad time is coming....
    Our future is depend upon our current actions...
    No doubt possibilities of bad times are always there..
    We should try to make our future best...
  17. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    I've shot the video and posted it here.
  18. kandi

    kandi Valued Member

    Hey - thanks. That's really helpful. It's night time here and I just had a go. Really appreciate your effort. You seem like a really decent guy.
  19. Simon

    Simon Administrator Admin Supporter MAP 2017 Koyo Award

    That's very kind, thank you.

    Please do let me know how you get on.
  20. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    So, I might have found something new to add, to my own question.

    Yesterday I went home instead of staying to train.
    I taught the kids, and went afterwards.

    There were just too many people l, which I just couldn't handle.
    Sorthe of a step back but I guess that it was just a question of time.

    So, yeah, I screwed up that day.

    Today - well, right now to be honest - I feel like the little weakling I am and sort of wait to die (which I know won't happen, but I can still wait ).

    I also consider to quit MAs, which makes absolutely no sense, since it's usually the only thing I really like (aside from my cats and the such), but since my teacher seems to be annoyed with me again, I feel like just giving up.

    So, yeah: Falling back to bad habits I fought like an idiot for nothing, seems to be a sign in my case.
    And sorry for the whining.

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