The past few years, and even months, I've been struggling with my ego. Before I go any further, let me define ego for this discussion a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit ; the 'false self' I consider ego to be what we think of ourselves, not what or who we truly are. The false exterior that is shaped by society, the past, relationship 'standards', etc. Having pride in something you do and having self-confidence in a humble way is not a result of having an ego... in my opinion. We could talk semantics all day but for the purpose of this topic, let's stick to the previous definitions. Anyways, the past few months I've been breaking away from the old me. The old me was immature, irrational, idiotic, and just confusing. No matter the amount of fear I felt or what my instincts were telling me, I would rarely back down from a situation in fear of losing face. Whether it be a confrontational situation between another person, partying, and all that cool stuff, I would risk it all just to look cool and keep my pride. Obviously, this got me in a lot of trouble. Lots of enemies, legal trouble, bad karma, and people just disliked me. I never understood it. I was the one who stood up for what I believed in. I was the one pushing back when pushed or buckin' up to the big guy. I was the one getting provoked into bad situations, speaking my mind, and just being the stereotypical wannabe badass that you see in highschool movies. People wanted more of it.... yet they didn't like me?! My ego ruled me. Looking back now, I realized it was a way to fight back against bullying and to fit in. Once I realized I was capable of these things, rather than walking away with some pride intact, I continued doing them until it escalated to the point of very bad legal troubles. I went from standing up for myself like in the movies to being the loser stuck behind bars. Unfortunately, life is rarely like the movies. There is no Karate Kid. Never Back down doesn't happen without a few hospital visits, jail, angry parents, and possibly even psychological issues. I have recently been confronting these issues in the past year. Why can't I back down? Why can't I accept defeat and walk away still the same person and have a good evening? Why the hell is my ego ruling me?? I've learned that it's extremely difficult to have an ego (more specifically, a BIG ego) and study self-defense. It's a lot easier to avoid and walk away than to fight... but when your ego throws you into a fist, the whole game has been turned around. Some people can manage. I know a lot of guys who can walk away from a situation and still feel like the badass... even when looking like the loser to the rest of the crowd. I couldn't and would still probably have trouble with it. It's much better than before, but I find it difficult to walk away from a situation and feel like the "bigger man". Although at one point when I was training intensely and had a huge amount of confidence in myself and was much more humble, I had no problems de-escalating, avoiding, and backing down. Like they say, the more dangerous you really are, the less you should feel inclined to prove it. Sort of a rant but hopefully it'll give an idea of where I've come from and my issues with it. As of now, I feel that my ego issues are very close to being handled. I feel more at ease. Less paranoid that my ego will be tried (which is a lot of the reason some fear the pre-violence rather than violence itself. It's a game of psychology and to prove who is more dominant. Not something most want to lose at). With my training in Aikido, a little spiritual practice and just taking a hard look at reality, I've been able to realize how detrimental an ego can be to a SD situation if it's not in check or just entirely absent. Personally, I feel a lot better not having to prove myself and risk another visit to the hospital or courtroom. Now for you guys. Whats your opinion on being prideful when it comes to self-defense? I'd imagine at times it could be somewhat helpful but more than likely not. How have you dealt with your ego or the ego of others and what role does it play in violence / self-defense? I'd love to hear all opinions. Even if you think I'm full crap. Have a nice night and live to fight another day... or just live to live. :bow1:
What you describe as "ego" seems to me to be a case of low self-esteem. You are unsure of yourself, and don't think a whole lot of yourself. Therefore, you place a lot of importance on what others think of you. You said that the only time you felt in control and able to not worry about what others thought was when you had been training a lot and considered yourself "a badass". My advice would be to consult a qualified therapist and attempt to figure out why you don't think much of yourself. If you can fix that, then you'll find that you will no longer have a need to care so much about 'face' or what others think about you. Just my two cent's. Good luck!
That was then, not now. My self-confidence was certainly a problem and I allowed what others think dictate many of my actions but even when I truly didn't, EGO was a problem. Not necessarily caring what they thought but that someone would dare to 'try' me like I was lower than them. I get your point though and low self esteem can trigger many fights just like the ego can, but there's definitely big differences between the two... most of the time.
I could be wrong, but the way I read Pgsmith's comment in relation to your original definition of "ego", is that the low self esteem is component or dimension within your sense of self i.e. that low self-esteem is one of the root causes that may have been leading you to act self-importantly and defensively in a given social situation.
In that sense, yes. Self-esteem was definitely an underlying factor of my ego ruling me, which makes plenty of sense when given some thought.
You mention 'honour' as well. Honour is a very good trait to have in soldiers in a time of war. It encourages soldiers to fight, become enthusiastic about it and it lowers their inhibition to act violently as there is a solid cause for the violence. Most warring societies feature 'honour' prevalently. However, in a peaceful society, honour can be a poison especially when it is taken on by young, inexperienced and non-soldier types such as young men who like to drink. Honour is one of the main reasons behind pointless and stupid violence in modern society. Many men feel they must have honour to be a man. This ties in to mens desire to be warriors. Guess what? 99% of these men are not warriors and honour should have no or very little part of their lives. They are not soldiers or police. They are plumbers or accountants etc. You can have honour and not have it used against you by some dumb drunk who calls you a name or your girl a name. That is having your own honour (a poor demonstration of it by the way) used against you. You have been outplayed if you eat the bait. Honour can be fine if it is kept private. Knowing that douche is trying to get a response by playing to your sense of honour and choosing to walk away as the reason behind the whole confrontation is ultimately pointless is the truly honourable course of action here. Ability and maturity will prevent your sensibilities from being insulted from a nobody. This is why the better fighters fight less as they feel less need to do so as they are confident and are not easily slighted by lesser men. This is why you felt less inclined to fight when you were training. My 2 pesos.
hmm, just looking through the thread again, no mention of honour. The thought must have came to me as a read through. Still very relevent I think.
Definitely relevant. I think that many often mistake their ego as being that sense of honor, which is an important part of training for many. My ego, which was very much ruled by a low self-esteem and a false sense of pride, is I guess what I considered to be the 'code of honor' I lived by when in fact it was nothing more than ignorance and immaturity. I appreciate the insight.
To my mind the problem is one of pragmatism vs principle. I tend to walk away from fights for practical reasons, but I don't entirely accept the moral arguments. I have participated in discussions about verbal bullying - some of them on MAP - in which it has been argued that using physical violence to avenge a verbal insult is always wrong. I disagree with that assertion because it's predicated on the assumption that physical violence is always more harmful than psychological damage, which is not the case. Verbal abuse can be so bad that it causes serious psychiatric illnesses like depression and anorexia, whereas physical violence can consist of a shove, a shoulder check or a single punch that does little or no real damage. Verbal bullying may also be backed up by threats of violence if the victim attempts to respond in kind. Therefore, I would consider a little slap that functions as a deterrent against a torrent of verbal abuse, day in day out, to be a proportionate and justified response. Those who might argue that you should instead try to reason with the bully or inform the teachers are oblivious to what most bullies are like. They don't care about your logical moral arguments and they don't care about the kind of punishment that teachers can dish out. This leaves you with two options: fight back with your fists and risk getting into trouble yourself; or just ignore it, try to make yourself less of a target and allow the bullies to get away with it. I opted for the latter because I always wanted to be a lawyer and I felt the costs involved in the pursuit of revenge were too high. To this day I continue to ignore provocation for the same reason. But I can't deny a feeling in my gut that justice is not being done. I am not rude to others, therefore they should not be rude to me. It feels unjust that I'm the one who has to bend over and take it when I'm the one in the right. And I think that unpleasant people are encouraged by their knowledge that you won't retaliate.
