MAPPERS I need your help!!! My muay thai instructor has this thing whereby we do the plank or some other painful exercise till someone can tell him a joke that he thinks is funny! I can never think of any at all, neither can anyone else. My plan was either to try and memorise some or write one on my arm for next week Alan Smurf, this is my time of need.....you are my only hope! They need to be really short and punchy! Been searching but found none I think are funny yet.
Sniffer - The Dog A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.
> FEMALE COMPASSION.....AT ITS BEST! > > Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, > that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. > > Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course > she agreed and they made passionate love. > > Six hours later, Barry went to her again and said, 'Honey, now I only > have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' > > Carolyn agreed and again they made love. > > Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight > hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? > Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward > she rolled over and fell asleep. > > Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and > turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on > the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could > we...?' > > His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not > being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't !!
Getting a hairdryer through customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Bert and Sid the builders 2 builders working on a sky scraper Bert says to Sid-I'm going to pretend i'm mad and get sent home early so i can go straight down the pub!watch this!!!! So Bert goes to the top of the sky scaper,walks along a girder shouting I'm a light bulb I'm a light bulb I'm a light bulb and waving his arms about. When he sees this, the Big Boss goes straight to where Bert walking along this girder and tells him"go home son and get some sleep the stress has got a hold of you and you've gone a bit mad!!! get some rest and i'll see you Monday morning As Bert is leaving,the Big Boss sees Sid packing up his tools and asks him"Where the heck do you think you going????????? Sid replies "Fair's fair Boss you can;t expect me to work in the Dark!! I'll get my coat.........
or quick ones Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps ! Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change ! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog ! Sit ! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog What's wrong with that I think I'm going to croak ok I can take a hint.....taxi!
or even Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex ! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around ! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible Who said that? Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a baby. Don't get rattled. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a barometer. You're looking a bit under the weather. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Two buses, three cars and a lorry. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a car You must be going round the bend. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock. Don't worry - you're just a little wound up. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a comedian. You must be joking! Taxi and I'll get my coat!
I have ok muscles but my arm isn't THAT big Made me laugh though! A Doctor Doctor joke may make him unleash violence upon me!:evil:
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila! Three vampires walk into a bar. The first orders blood on the rocks, the second orders the same, the third orders boiling water. The barman asks, "don't you want blood?" Holding up a used tampon, the vampire replies, "No thanks, I'm making tea." Yo' mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it didn't come back!
Blind man goes skydiving. Asks the instructor: "When should I pull my chute?" Instructor says: "When the dog lead goes slack." Man calls doctor: My wife's contractions are 2 minutes apart! Doc: Is this her 1st child? Man: NO, you idiot! This is her husband! How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side. Senior couple sitting in church. The wife tells her husband she just passed a bunch of silent farts, what should she do? He tells her: get new batteries for your hearing aid. Three chavs in a Nova drive off a cliff. Why is this a shame? Nova's have four seats!
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_day.aspx Never ending supply. You can give a person a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fight and he can steal fish off his neighbours his whole life.
Man to Doc: Doctor I think I'm going deaf Doc: Describe the symptoms Man: well... Homer is a bit fat and Marge has blue hair
Ask your instructor is true that if you get lost in Thailand that you go up to the sexiest looking girl in the street and ask him for directions. koyo
