Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you girls. Live with it. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We men don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Check your oil in the car. It does not get automatically topped up.! Please. Anything we men said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible,girls please say whatever you have to say during commercials n not when the game is on. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.That is our birth right. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. When we have to go out somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. No you really do have too many shoes. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
There are only 'two words' required to get you through extended periods of cohabitation with the fairer sex! One is 'Yes' The other is 'Dear' It is important that these words are delivered without tone, emotion or looking up from your newspaper. I know we are genetically superior guys, but they will never admit defeat. If you let them think they have won, then eventually they will get round to ironing your shirts, washing the dishes, polishing your car, and all the other things they were designed for in the first place. I feel sorry for them myself.
Men! 1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. 3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts. 4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 5. Please don't drive when you're not driving, that includes stepping on the imaginary brake. 6. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 7. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 8. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: We don't care. 9. When you're not around, we belch loudly, too. 10. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact -- please do !!! 11. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-shirt will last longer that way. 12. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive Vs a negative grunt. 13. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us. 14. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 15. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about YOU. Sarah
In all fairness ladies, we really need to take into consideration the fact that men have a disadvantage beyond their control. Two heads and only enough blood to operate one at a time. This all too often causes them to make irrational comments. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't approve of this behavior, I'm just stating the reason for it.
A/ We don't change our underwear cos you haven't done the Washing yet. A/ Not our problem cos we don't clean the toilet. A/ Yeah, well just why do you think we suffer womens athletics? A/ Only if you wake me up first. *Snore* A/ That'll be the 'imaginary' brake that is stopping us from hitting the 'imaginary' pedestrian you haven't seen yet? A/ Just as well we sren't interested in your opinion anyway. A/ Where?.......Screech! A/ On a parallel, that's why us men lick lesbians so much, and they lick us too A/ When a tree falls in the forest, does it make a noise??? A/ Only if you get out from in front of it for two seconds. A/ Hence the old adage; " I can't wait to get home and get the wifes knickers off" Why? " Cos they are cutting off my circulation" A/ Grunt! A/ We pay the bill, so you have two choices; get in the kitchen, or get in the bedroom. A/ I'd far rather make contact with you below the shoulders thanks. A/ We go to the bathroom by ourselves to THINK about you
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. You don't lift it, you splash on the seat. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Again??? Sometimes we are not thinking about you girls. Live with it. Obviously, or you'd never get anything done. Everyone knows about men and multitasking. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Let's be accurate, Saturday = sitting on your ever-spreading ass watching real sportsmen. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. I'll answer that one in person (from your short-haired fluffy friend). Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. No, but it's necessary. Crying is blackmail. Oh show some backbone you wuss! Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! And perhaps a diagram showing the position of the clitoris? We men don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. Yet you remember when the cup final is? Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? We don't. We just know it annoys you - hee hee. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Like "No, 3 inches is below average" Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Men don't solve problems, they are problems. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Again, 3 inches is below average... More later, got to get back to work Fluffy xxx
Yes Freeform I do. They are evil. They are manipulative. All is not lost however, for they can be trained! Simply send me £10 in an envelope, and I will enroll you as a student in the art of 'As-U-say Woman Do'. First lesson is free! Listen Carefully. Take the fuse out of the TV! Women do not understand Electricity, and it scares them. All of a sudden you become useful once more. If you are wise, you will have timed the removal of the fuse with the imminent commencement of her favourite Soap. Stress is running high. Emotions are frayed. Now is the time to turn the tables! Look her straight in the eyes and ask her; ' Do you love me?' Her gaze will flicker from the TV to you, to the TV again. When she is focussed on you, ask her again ' Do you love me?' At this point you say; 'Get me a beer and I'll see if I can fix it' When she is getting you a beer, you quickly slam the fuse back in and scream in pain. She returns with your beer to find her Soap just starting, but her saviour holding an apparently bruised head. " I banged my head dear" you say. She watches the soap, you get a beer, and a nice forehead stroking session. Bliss!
If my other half tried to pull that one, I'd either fix the fuse myself, or clear off down my friends house to watch TV and take his beer with me
This, as you all know, is the problem with learning skills from a book. You miss all the nuance and body language involved in the technique. Come round to my house KY Gel! I'm gonna take the plug off the telly to see if you can put one on. We'll see who ends up with the beer.
OK, but while you're distracted taking off the plug, I'll be legging it out of the door with the beer
fuse!!!! tastes good. Sarah, i'm not saying that i agree totally with the lads but theres more than a good chance that you would actually.... drink the fuse. put the beer in the plug scream . complain that you've broken a nail and blame the nearest man for all the bad thaings that have happened to you since wee david from the next valley gave you a leek on valentines day. lots of love. man currently hiding from wife.:woo:
Gentlemen, What about the woman that isn't interested in TV. It hasn't been on for over a week and the next thing I will be watching on it when time allows is Taika Seiyu Oyata's Classic Okinawan Arts 12 volume video set. I don't like beer and my nails are keep short so they don't dig into my palm when I'm making a fist. I'll help you polish your car if you help me polish my motorcycle and I don't care if you stomp on the imaginary brake while I'm driving the car but if your behind me on the bike, you better lean with the turn. Get out of the stone age and get yourself some permanent press shirts. My hair is almost to my waist and bad hair day doesn't begin to describe the sight when pulling off head gear after sweating during sparring. I pay my bills and what's this crap "get in the kitchen or get in the bedroom". Not very adventurous, are you? You probably only know one position. Now, the toilet seat...have you ever had a cold wet bare butt snuggle up against you in the middle of the nite while you're asleep? Nuff said!
Aaarrgh help! Their all over me,. Women in Karate suits, holding me down, I can't possibly handle them all by myself............*grin*. Snort.......Wassat? Bloomin Heck, dreaming again!
