Moving Country

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by Pretty In Pink, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Pretty In Pink

    Pretty In Pink Moved on MAP 2017 Gold Award

    So what I've got from this thread do far is not to underestimate how hard living in japan can be and also it's more fun to visit than to stay.

    Anyone got more experience with NZ?
     
  2. stephenk

    stephenk Valued Member

    Hi!

    First, living away from your home country is an amazing experience that you're lucky to have if you're able. I think many of the current problems in the world would be easier to solve if more people had this experience. A little about me: I recently moved to Japan, where I'll be for a couple of years, and previously had spent well over a decade in the UK after moving there from the US. So, I have a little experience in these things ;)

    I'll not say much about whether Japan is nicer than NZ or whatever, that decision is going to be mostly personal for you two (although I echo the sentiment that Japan is far more of a challenge than NZ would be if you're not fluent in Japanese), but I do want to bring up some of the 'Anything elses':

    1: I don't know how long you're intending to stay, but if it's 'only for a couple of years' just be warned that just about every expat I know moved to that country for 'just a year or two' and are still there 10-20+ years later. I usually say that the usual expat is a story told in 3 acts.

    Act 1: Move to said country for '1 or 2 years'. Your mother is a bit sad, but excited to visit you -- after all, you'll be home again soon!
    Act 2: It's 10 years later and you're still there. Your mother is worried you're never coming back.
    Act 3: Marry a local and never go back. Your mother is unhappy.

    There's nothing wrong with this, but if there are things that need to be planned before leaving, err on the side of setting them up so that there's not difficulty if you decide to stay. I'm thinking things like storage of personal items back home, any financial things (don't neglect tax matters!) that might be tacitly assuming that you'll be coming back or retiring back in your home country. Be sure to build in the flexibility up front! You'll thank me later.

    2: You're moving with your girlfriend. That's great! There are some things you two, as a couple, need to take into account. None of it is bad, per se, but you *have to* take into account how stressful living abroad can be at times due to being isolated from your usual friends and family. It takes many, many years to build up comparable relationships in a new place. Sure, you can make quick new friends at the gym or at a bar, but when you're having one of those days and you really need someone to talk to about some serious argument you've had with your gf, or when a parent or relative becomes seriously ill and you're so far away, or something serious like that, those relationships might not be strong enough yet to support you in those times. You will, of course, have each other, but there will be times when you each need others as well. Call home a lot. Keep up those relationships back home.

    2.5: You mentioned starting a gym. Be sure your gf finds work asap as well. One absolute danger comes from one partner working and thus developing a social life while the other partner remains isolated. This is a relationship killer, and it's easy to understand why, it's the worst version of 2 for a couple. You both *must* start working and joining clubs/classes right away to begin forming a local social network, and they *must* at least have some non-overlapping groups so that you each have somewhere to take a breather among friends that are yours, rather than friends of both of you as a couple.

    The one thing I will say about NZ vs Japan, as I think others have mentioned, is that it *will* be harder to make friends in Japan. If you choose Japan, be sure to research ahead and find several ex-pat communities you each find interesting to join. The one mitigating factor in this is that generally these friendships will be closer, faster because you're all in the same boat together.

    3. Talk ahead of time about under what cases you would return home. Timing is a funny thing, and no two people generally have the *exact* same timing. Consider it likely that at some point one of you will want to return home and the other won't. Maybe this feeling will just last for a while, maybe it won't. Have some talks ahead of time that consider what you might do in this case. Maybe it's something like, 'If we both want to stay, we stay. If we both want to leave, we leave. If one wants to leave and the other stay, we give it x months if we've been there for less than y years, or a year if we've been there longer than that to see if the one who wants to leave comes around.' If this situation happens, then, you've got a reasonable place to start the discussion that isn't either, 'I hate this place, we need to leave now (when you like it)' or 'We both agreed to live here, you need to find a way to like it forever (when you don't like it)'.

    These are all things that are very addressable, but I think it helps to think about them going into the situation.

    Let me know if you have any other questions. I don't come by here often anymore, but I'll check back in case.
     
    Grond, Ero-Sennin, Thomas and 4 others like this.
  3. Ero-Sennin

    Ero-Sennin Well-Known Member Supporter

    Just about everything in @stephenk 's post was awesome. This bit in particular would be enough for me to put all the stuff I posted prior on the back burner of concerns. A terrible thing our tribalism is, and at the same time it keeps us alive and well.

    Really awesome post man.
     

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