michele and her dilemmas. please help me! ideas/opinions?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Area' started by cavallin, Mar 31, 2008.

  1. cavallin

    cavallin kickin' kitten

    i have a problem. my BF needs somewhere to live...
    option 1: we could move in together
    problem: we only got back together recently so i'm not quite ready to move in together just yet, i was hoping maybe in 9 months or so...
    if i go aheady with it: it's not the end of the world, we might split up and just move back out, or it could work out, or i'd be moving in for the wrong reasons and then settle in to something im not 100% sure with.

    option 2: he move in with his friend 50 miles away, transfers over his job, and quits TKD and takes up kickboxing, he won't be able to tranfer to where i live for another 2 years probably (so he says)
    the problem with that is that we would only see each other at weekends!! which sucks, plus i really dont want him to quite tkd, because we wont compete together anymore and it will suck.
    plus his mates aren't the best influence on him. ( i have absolutely no issues with him cheating though, they are other issues)

    so basically i don;t knwo what to do. he won't live on his own, because he'l hardly be spending time in the place because at the moment he goes between his house, my house and his mum's house (no he cant go with his mum)
    and he won't share with strangers.

    i dont know what to do, and i wondered if anyone has a super mega perfect solution...?
  2. path_one

    path_one steps taken

    I would say that its easy, you move in together live happily ever after and all BUT there are things you'll have to think about...

    I don't know if its a good idea going into all the details on an internet forum but you should think about some small details: why did you guys break up in the first place, will the reason present itself again or cause problems if/when you're living together?

    What do you want in the long term? living together might be cool but for how long and will he have the same ideas about the future as you?

    Will it really be all that bad if he moves away? change can be good, he will learn kickboxing, you will both move on in some ways and you will find someone else to compete with and a new dynamic partner could be something that ups your game?

    Just my thoughts anyway, GOOD LUCK!
  3. Hiroji

    Hiroji laugh often, love much

    Your both young so id go with the him moving away for 2 years option.

    Moving in with someone full time is a big thing, and if your not 100% my advice is don't do it.

    You can see each other every weekend, then after the 2 years you will have a better idea. Plus more time to save some money. just my advice good luck.
  4. slipthejab

    slipthejab Hark, a vagrant! Supporter

    Don't have him move in with you.

    With all that appears to be up in the air and the issues that he has etc. moving in together is hardly the smart thing to do.

    If you intend living together to work out then it requires a fair amount of commitment. Women tend to have it... men don't. For whatever reason... women tend to adopt a strongmind set whereby they convince themselves they will make it work at all costs and will make the adjustments neccessary to keep it all peaches and cream. In the end they get used. Men who haven't made the commitment to get married tend to get over the initial thrill of frequent, available sex at home in approx. 1.5 years (maybe even less) and then they're rubbernecking everything that has a skirt. The girl gets a broken heart, jealousy and emotional issues and maybe even some clap to go with it. Drip drip... clinic trip. Seen it happen all too often. The man gets the milk before he's even bought the cow. So at that point moving on is no big deal for a man. His coins are still in his pocket and he's sated on free milk.

    What's more is as woman you give up a whole lot more than a man does when he moves in. Women naturally tend to bend towards 'taking care' of someone... so the work will fall on your shoulders... when you don't carry that burden... chances are it will lead to an argument. In the end if you're not married (and in many cases even if you are...) you're a stopgap between a mom and professional caretaker. Don't fall into that trap.

    Sorry to sound so pessimistic... but I'm a guy.... it's a sober and realistic viewpoint. I know all the angles that being a guy moving in with a girlfriend entails. Unless you're married... women usually end up with the short end of the stick when they move in with their boyfriends.

    You guys are still young... enjoy your independence while you have it. Don't be in such a rush to make all sorts of compromises that you will inevitably have to make if you're living together.

    *yes I reread this and it sounds dire. But be smart. Look out for number one first.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2008
  5. cavallin

    cavallin kickin' kitten

    haha, bloody hell...well can i just say not all men are the same, and he actually has no commitment issues what so ever, and all he's ever wanted is to find a girl since the age of 16...but anyway, i see hwat you are saying. i think both ways have good and bad points really, which is why i can't decide. i also can't make a desision based on forum peoples opinion...
    what i'd really love, is if someone had a magic solution i didn't think of...
    i might suggest to him that if we save up enough money and things work out we could maybe buy a place together eventually?
  6. Su lin

    Su lin Gone away

    If you thought moving in was the right thing, you would have done it (women's intuition etc) ! See how the relationship goes, give it some time while you see each other at weekend and take it from there. It's a huge thing moving in together,and like Slip says, it's about way more than simply being housemates. Your relationship will change once you add bills, cleaning and the general day to day "normal" existence that you don't have to deal with when you don't live together.
    Why can't he transfer to where you live for 2 years? I would make sure he isn't trying to rush you into anything for selfish reasons if I were you,ie saying he can't transfer so you will move in with him........

    Sounds like you aren't 100% sure, so I wouldn't do it.
  7. slipthejab

    slipthejab Hark, a vagrant! Supporter

    You'd have to be out of your mind to buy a place together if you're not married with a track record of successful commitment. Either that or in a hurry to throw your money at lawyers to sort out the mess it could become.

    Seriously... just relax... don't be in such hurry to have all the answers right now. Take your time. Patience is often the hardest thing to have.... but often times the most provides the best information about your other half.
  8. Su lin

    Su lin Gone away

    I moved in with my bf and his parents (shock horror) when I left uni due to various issues, after being together 3 years. We then lived together there for about 3 years before buying a house. You don't need to be married before buying but you REALLY need to be aware of the commitment buying a house means, it's big stuff that would be a pain to sort out.

    I would just enjoy things while you can and see how things go. :)
  9. Mitch

    Mitch Lord Mitch of MAP Admin

    These guys are right, don't do it. I moved in with my GF but only after a number of years of going out together and having known each other for 5 years prior to that as friends.

    Living together was still tough. The shine soon wears off and it's just someone else's mess you're clearing up.

    We've now been married nearly a decade, have 2 kids, and living together is still sometimes tough.

    The time to move in is when everything is settled and good, not a little up in the air and you feel pushed into it by circumstance.

    How about he just compromise a little bit and share a house with some people, you know, just like almost everyone else in the whole world has to at some point? If he's not mature and prepared enough to compromise for the sake of your relatiobship by sharing with other people, he's not ready to move in with you.

    And if you buy a place together I shall personally come round and rip up the paperwork on the grounds that you must be completely parapwapweep.

  10. Sam

    Sam Absent-ish member

    Got to agree with everyone else. Especially this bit.

    Moving in with someone when you aren't sure about it especially when you are young is not a good idea. I moved in with my (a few years older) boyfriend when I was seventeen. Three years later I moved back to my parents, Whilst all my mates had savings and were just about to start the real adult portion of their lives I was trying to pick up the pieces from mine. If you move in with him too early then later down the line it could end up wrecking what could have otherwise been a good relationship.
  11. Chimpcheng

    Chimpcheng Yup... Giant cow head... Supporter

    I say kick him to the curb and adopt a more chimp like man friend in your life...

    Hmm, chimp like, I wonder who fits that bill... :)
  12. Axelator

    Axelator Not called Alex.

    Wait until hes alone in a room then run in with a pistol saying you're going to kill him.
  13. path_one

    path_one steps taken

    Being someone who had an ex seek advice from forums regarding our disagreements... forums are great and a wealth of information and opinions but at the end of the day its your life and regardless of how much background info you share here, we can never know the ins and outs of your relationship as well as you and for this reason you are the person best equipped to make a decision here. You're the only one that knows the small details that will make this thing work for you or not.

    Maybe you already know the answer but you're hoping there's a better one out there because you're not 100% with it? If you're not a 100% then you should rethink the situation.

    All the best
  14. cavallin

    cavallin kickin' kitten

    thanks adimlarla, i know my decision, but i just wondered whether someone had thought of another option really... but i guess there isn't one!
  15. Rob T.

    Rob T. Valued Member


    The fact you are asking the question speaks volumes.

    Also the idea of “well it’ll be ok, if it doesn’t work out I’ll just move out again” is a nice one, unfortunately in my experience it doesn’t work that way. If you decide it’s not working you have the added guilt of taking away their home as well as ending the relationship. Before you know it you’re staying with someone because it’s convenient (looking for somewhere else to live is a pain) and making yourself (and probably them) miserable.

    I would agree with Mitch’s point about him not wanting to share accommodation with strangers, all of us need to make compromises to be with someone we care about. In reality the question to him was would he rather share with a stranger or move so far away he’d only see you at weekends, he chose the latter.

    Don’t even enter the TKD thing into the equation, it’s a very minor part of what’s going on. My wife’s a 3rd Dan and I enjoy training and teaching with her, if she decided to quit and take up kickboxing or whatever I’d still feel the same about her.

    Disclaimer:- As with all other advice, please take this with a large handful of salt – you are the only one who knows how you feel and you must do what is right for you!

  16. Mitch

    Mitch Lord Mitch of MAP Admin

    Scared? :)

  17. 19thlohan

    19thlohan Beast and the Broadsword

    Don't they have places that just rent rooms over there?
  18. cavallin

    cavallin kickin' kitten

    well i asked him to just get himself a little place, but he thinks it's a waste of money. and he said me out of all people would understant (i dont like wasting money) but that's just a silly comment. i said it's for love.
  19. Yohan

    Yohan In the Spirit of Yohan Supporter


    I'm sure your boyfriend is a fine young man, but at the end of the day, he is attempting to manipulate you. He wants to move in with you, and is using a "punishment scheme" to try to manipulate you into letting him move in. He's come up with an ultimatum for you that has 2 choices - one is to give him what he wants, and the other is to do something that is obviously going to be bad for you (he'll duck out of your TKD class, he'll move far away and you won't see him very often). If you wouldn't let him move in otherwise, I wouldn't let him at this point.

    Just from what you've posted here it sounds like he's manipulative, and it's very likely that living with him will turn into a mini-nightmare within a year. Do what you think is best though, you are a grown woman and have to make your own decisions. I hope my advice will give you a perspective you didn't have before.

    Kind Regards,
  20. cavallin

    cavallin kickin' kitten

    how did my bf end up sounding so manipulative???

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