Thought this might interest some folks, I think most of us are interested in the dynamics of general seld defense and psychology behind people who hurt others and that kind of stuff. Looks like it's about the psychology of domestic abuse, written by someone who experienced it for herself in two marriages. It's free at the moment on the kindle (You can download the kindle app on mac, PC, or android if you don't have a kindle but still want a look) and probably only for a day or two. [ame="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-Bars-Women-Leave-ebook/dp/B00523KFXC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1344349626&sr=1-1"]Invisible Bars: Why Women Won't Leave eBook: Lisa Oliver: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store[/ame] And of course use this link to support MAP ^.^ http://www.amazon.co.uk/?ie=UTF8&tag=martialartspl-21&link_code=hom
Thank you for posting this. I've just downloaded it and am looking forward to it. To be honest its not just women. I am in the process of getting out of a relationship with my wife who is an alcoholic. There was never any physical abuse but the mind games and emotional manipulation were devastating. I know from experience that ending such a relationship is very difficult as you have to take a hard look at yourself and reality to even admit there is a problem. There are so many hooks they can use to keep you engaged and they are experts at all of them. From my work in Al-Anon and listening to what others share about their experiences I swear that when someone becomes an alcoholic they are given a manual on how to engage and control another person and use their pity and compassion against them. Alcoholics would make great phsy-ops people in the military. Also, because of hard work and following my program I am now in a great place and doing well. It is possible to get out and get sane but it is not easy.
Aye, I've suffered physical and mental abuse from a couple of relationships (ex fiancee was alcoholic and a master of the harsh word, first girlfriend was more physical) so I know it works both ways as well as I need to. My list of stuff to read is massive, but gonna make time for this one coz I think it's really important people understand it, perhaps especially those who have been through it and curse themselves for staying so long. I expect it would be relevant to non-romantic relationships too (my mother for example is very passive aggressive.) Sorry to hear you're suffering mate, I hope you find some solace and help with the books. Also, your programme? Please tell me more, either here, in a thread of your own or via PM, I could definitely use a little help getting past things, and I expect others would find it interesting or helpful too.
It fits in here. I am going to Al-Anon. It is a 12 step group for people who have been effected by alcoholism. It's not for the alcoholic and it's not for helping you help the alcoholic get better. It is totally about giving you a set of tools to help you recover from the chaos of living with an alcoholic. I know for me it was a life saver. Because of the program that I've got from Al-Anon I am no longer suffering. I am in a really good place. I can look at the reality of what took place, my role in it and have been able to move on. In my experience it is well worth it. If you are interested pm me and I will give you more info and a link to a web site that has more or less an online Al-Anon forum.
I am sorry that you're going through that m1k3jobs. I am glad that you're dealing with it well, and I wish you the best.
That author really needs to re-edit that synopsis, unfortunately. It was alarmingly full of grammatical errors. I also wish she had chosen to write her synopsis (and I assume book) in a gender neutral voice. All that "how she deals with" language reinforces this stereotype of the female victim in unhealthy romantic relationships. Gender bias is a huge problem in the justice system in the US. Apparently, in divorce proceedings it's a common tactic for unscrupulous divorce attorneys to advise making false allegations of domestic abuse so their female clients are awarded automatic child custody. It is such a widespread social issue here that something like 60% of our restraining orders are based on false allegations. And there are court cases where men who genuinely have a history of being the recipient of physical abuse are denied restraining orders against their female exes who are continuing to harass them despite presenting evidence to substantiate their claims.
I am wondering about that too John. Why is it that a woman's accusation of domestic abuse is almost unquestionable, but when a man claims the same thing, he's not taken seriously and perhaps even ridiculed? The same goes for rape. I understand that the majority of domestic abuse/rape cases are by men against women, but that doesn't mean the opposite doesn't happen. My ex girlfriend and I once had an argument over the phone. I was hanging with friends when all of the sudden she shows up and slaps me across the face. She then proceeds to verbally insult a friend for no apparent reason and I had to drag her and drive her home because she was trembling all over from rage. Needless to say our long-term relationship spiraled downwards and ended a few weeks later. It was all over something meaningless. I still can't look at my father in the face whenever she's brought up. Imagine if I was the one who did that. I'll surely have a criminal record.
Actually if you had called the police right then and there she probably would have also. I think as men we tend to accept certain types of behavior that a woman wouldn't. This is a generalization of course but I think it is on target.
I was once walking home with my ex when my blood sugars dropped. I told her to go on ahead, I'll stop at a friend's house we were passing to get some sugar. I get home about half hour later, open the door, I'm halfway through saying "sorry I took so long" when my head is whipped sideways with the bitchslap of the decade. I was 13. I'm 27 this year and I'm still messed up because of her :/ I often wonder what would happen if the tables were turned, as I expect anyone who went through that stuff would. Fact is her dad would have crucified me, but there's a part of my mind that thinks "totally worth it." She went on to marry a rapist, who last time he and I spoke (we were friends before I found out he raped another ex of mine), he told me she hits him too. It's not exactly justice, but it's kinda comforting to know a rapist married an abuser, on some level I'm not entirely proud of :$
Why does that bias exist? I don't know. Probably because it's reinforced at every conceivable angle in society. Even cops and judges who face violent and manipulative women everyday sometimes lapse into the lazy thinking that women are physically harmless. One thing I do know about the difference between male and female violence though: with women you seem less likely to receive the overt posturing and social monkey dance leading up to violence. They seem a lot more adept at hiding their violent intentions until the last possible explosive minute. "Probably" being the operative word here. Someone is going to jail when you discuss violence with the police all right, but if they arrive and she lies convincingly enough, or has someone falsely substantiate a lie for her, then the guy is the one going to jail instead, victim or no. Without physical evidence, God help anyone who relies on witness testimony to sort a case of domestic abuse out.
I don't think I can ever bring myself to calling the police about these things. I just have to watch out for the "red flags" whenever I am dating again. Ouch Hatamoto! I am sorry that you went through that at such an early age. It sounds like just desserts... John - I agree completely with you there; especially that last part. In my case I had a couple of friends who witnessed it, but I can see it pan out like that in many other circumstances.
I do not envy young people dating today. It's pretty much historically always sucked for women, and this is the best time in the industrialized world for them to date, but many lack the emotional maturity to know what to do with those choices. You hear A LOT about emotionally manipulative men, but you rarely hear about women who do the exact same crap. It's very, very common. They know how to identify the nice, compassionate guys and exploit them very effectively. They're master liars too. When a relationship ends the guy who is a jackass follows the girl around, gets violent, has some giant and obvious overt external reaction. Well women do the same thing, they just lie to the police and use the justice system instead, trying to do as much long-term damage as possible to the person who "scorned" them. Hell hath no fury, and all that. My recommendation is to look for what people don't say when you're dating and getting to know someone. Scrutinize everything they do, rationally. Their relationships with their friends. Family. Coworkers. Particularly you should ask about their former relationships and why they ended and how it was all dealt with by them. 9/10 you'll be sold a line of goods about it, but if you know what to look for in deceptive body language, then you can sometimes spot the BS. And again, listen carefully for what people don't say. And their tone.
A person's stability in life says a lot about who they are. I have friends who wouldn't even consider a person if he/she isn't working. While that's reasonable, for me as long as they're doing something with their life (whether going to a university, tech school, etc.), and have plans for the future I am fine with that. It's also the way they talk about other people, their overall worldviews, etc. If I catch a strong pessimistic undertone that goes on for a few dates, I'll simply stop seeing that person. They might be nervous on the first date, or they had a bad day or something, but constant pessimism might means dissatisfaction with one's life and that could impact my life. All in all, abuse is an ugly thing whether it's against men or women, and people need to be smart about who they're with (me included!).
Ya know, in the book American Sniper, the author says San Diego is "the land of nuts" (I believe is how he phrased it). Have you lived anywhere else? Do you think there are more nutty people floating around the dating scene in SD vs. elsewhere? When I lived there, I didn't get that impression at all. It was all great weather and sexy women willing to date me. (I have a theory that climates near the equator produce more happy people if you intrinsically remove societal pressures.)
I lived in northern U.S. for a few years before I moved down here. All I can say is that San Diego is the BEST place to live if you know where to live. The dating scene is pretty awesome. I am not into the clubbing scene and I don't drink, so I avoid those places, but I have friends who going dancing every weekend and they love it. The beach is a very short drive away, the mountains are close by, there's downtown San Diego that has a lot of things to do, La Jolla which has coves that open up to the ocean, a lot authentic ethnic food places to eat at as well as fancy restaurants, LA is about an hour & 45 minutes drive from here, we have Balboa Park which has world-renowned museums, University of California San Diego which hosts legendary concerts that people flock to from all over the U.S., etc. etc. etc. I think it's like anywhere in the U.S., it is what you make of it. Although there are A LOT of super sexy women here, more so than anywhere I've been
Good post John, the saying we have in al-anon is pay attention their actions not their words. It's so easy to get caught up in what people tell you that you stop paying attention to the red flags. Situational awareness neh? Another thing I learned in al-anon is how to have good boundaries and stick to them. Boundaries are not something that you need to tell other people, they are rules that you set up for yourself that define the unacceptable and what you will do if they are crossed. Strong boundaries will keep you out of the majority of bad situations before they can really develop. This is interesting, I never really considered how what I have learned al-anon had such a direct corilation to self defense, at least in awareness and prevention areas.
Jesus effing Hernandez bloody Christ! Was in town today at a vintage car show, watching the morris dancing which was for some reason also happening in that place and time, date standing next to me (attractive australian girl who was completely unimpressed with me but sod it, it's a date lol) and who do I spot? My abusive ex. Dunno where my knees went but they were quicker than my thinking. I have no point to this, I just wanted to "ARGH HOLY CRAP!" about it somewhere where it was halfway relevant :s I hate that .. what is it... the better part of 15 years on I still feel my guts drop (and not in a funny way, like farting is) when I see her :s Her husband added me to facebook when they got home though (said hi to him coz he's a decent bloke (rape allegations aside) and wasn't standing with her) and now he tells me she's still mental, so.. hooray for progress lol So I'll be toddling over to google now, let's see what this al anon thing is all about :s
Hatamoto, I have the exact same feeling every time I see my ex. It's like my heart dropped in my gut and started boiling in acid. I guess we'll never really get over these things, being super sensitive guys and all
