How Stuff Works: Verbal Self Defense

Hi All,

Anyone ever diffuse a situation with these techniques?

http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm

 

What a grate article, I love it.
I’m definitely going to try it out on the Philosophy forum next time I get a chairn’s, thanks for finding it and I hope lots more people reed it. :Angel:

 

my question is this, none of that stuff really works with someone i live with. what's a good way to apply this stuff to relatives?

 

get new ones

 

That's a tough one....relatives....I don't think verbal self-defense works on relatives....have to break out the nunchaku's.

 

I'm a Jedi Master

Oh, I use verbal techniques all the time! *turns to moderators of forum, waves index and middle fingers slightly, saying "You WILL increase my post count by 1000."

 

Verbal self defence is an excellent tool to have. I use this kind of stuff most of the time, especially at work.

It does work on relatives, but it can take a little longer, because they know you better.

Empathy is a good ability to learn. Put yourself in their shoes. Listen to the intent as much as the content. Depending on the situation the intent behind the words is usually far more important then the words themselves.

Read George Thompson's Verbal Judo, its most enlightening, especially for professionals.

 

Judderman
Thanks for the reminder. A friend at work suggested that book years ago and I forgot all about it. Went to B & N this afternoon and bought it!
John

 

Here's another good technique: When someone attacks you with something like "I can't believe how disorganized you are!!!!!" a good response is to laugh at the person as if what they just said was genuinly funny. Careful not to be sarcastic or condescending, or else it doesn't work. My dad does this to me and my mom all the time and it drives us nuts because we don't have anything to answer with.

 

jlcop Glad to be of service.

d33pAn interesting idea, but some how I can't see a would be attacker stating "I can't believe how disorganised you are!!".

Perhaps we should list statements we've heard used in pre-fight blurb and what is a good reply to help calm the situation? Any thoughts?

 

Why not? I hear that all the time. There's more than one kind of attack, which I would have thought was made perfectly clear at the outset of this thread.

"Why are you so upset?" Could be a good start in diffusing an argument. Then you just shut up and wait for the person to finish venting.

 

Hmmnn. Good point, but I think it says more about you than anything else!

Interesting. Does have the retort of "I'm not upset!! Just you wait 'til I'm upset!!"

I've found these are quite good:
1) How can I help you.
2) What appears to be the problem.
3) Tell me what's up and we'll see what we can do to help you.

 

Yeah those are good too. They're for dealing with angry customers or something

 

Anyone who uses 'assertiveness training' techniques deserves therapy - painful therapy. Anyone else read 'Aikido in Everyday Life' by Dobson & Miller - brilliant on conflict resolution?

 

Interesting article, I wouldnt have thought of looking for something like that there.. thanks for that

 

Only thing is, that doesn't seem to be about verbal abuse in the SD context we are thinking of. Do not try to empathise with a gratuative aggressor who is confronting you.

 

not read the article yet, but have a couple more items on my amazon wish list!

Those books look incredibly interesting.

 

kcatcher I'm not sure what your driving at, could you explain further please?

I've posted this on a different thread, but it is equally relevant here. A really good tip is try to understand the intent behind the words. This is quite difficult to do, especially in the heat of things but if you can get it, the rewards are amazing. For instance someone says "Tell me where (insert object/place) or I'll kill you" might really be saying "I desperate not to look stupid, if I can blame someone else I will". The key in this sentence was the desperate use of "kill" over a trivial thing (dependant on circumstance). This shows that the individual is desperate. Why are they desperate? Empathise a bit and you might get there. How would you be feeling if you said those words in that circumstance, why would you be feeling that way?

This is why verbal judo*, as opposed to verbal karate*, takes a lot to do, but is very rewarding when you do.


*NB: these are terms coined by George Thompson in his book "Verbal Judo".

 

Hi mate, yep, sure.

The articale is cool but it doesn't seem to be written about SD as we would know it. I think that there is a danger if we mistake the two.


Who is George Thompson -Is he Geoff's dad?

Yes and no. I'm going from Geoff on this but basically it can be foolish to get trapped by trying to understand WHY you are being verbally assaulted -attackers are not rational people. A much more useful approach is simply appraising and reappraising their threat level and looking for signs of switching to physical.

But yes, verbal de-escalation is a tool to be used. If that involves pretending to empathise then cool. But pretence is not the real thing.

At an extreme, don’t get into Stockholm syndrome!

At the other end of the scale, psyching out is an option –raise the odds and turn the physiological game back on them –but not everyone can do this.

Hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

 

As far as I understand there is no relationship between the two Thompsons

Remember empathy is not sympathy. Empathy allows understanding, which makes you more effective in this field. Certainly attackers aren't rational, which makes the verbal side of things so desirable for us. It depends on the situation.

I've never worked the doors, but even in that environment I would imagine that there is room for "tac comms" as the police would call it. Understanding what is going on in someones head can help get a desired result. In George Thompson's book he highlights what he calls the "5 step hard style". Essentially this is pointing out the effects of a personas actions on them, yourself and giving them more options that would result in better consequences. If none of this works then you must act. It is a systyem particularly tailored to professionals.

In the realms of SD for Joe Public, certain elements from both styles will be useful, from empathic persuasion to "psych out". Each one requires a judgement call and you need the experience to make that call. Problem with experience is that you gain it after the time you needed it most.