How do you get rid of a bully?

ok, got the idea. I won't spread any dirty rumours about him, I do find this quie dirty for me. Anyway I just wanted to add something I forgot to write earlier today.
Do you remeber Matrix, when MOrpeus offered Neo 2 pills: the blue pill would have awaken him to the tough reality while the red pill woulf have kept him dreaming. (I hope I didn't mixed up the colors). So yesterday comes to me a girl from another group asking me if I didn't want to switch place with her. All I had to do was to say yes and I was away of the class and that bully. But I didn't, I took the blue pill, accepting the reality the way it is. I thought that being with a bully gives me the chance to practice my verbal skills even if it at the begining I loose. Hell, I won't fled so easy. I hope I made the right choice

 

I was always told bullys fed off your reaction and if you didn't react they lost interest - always worked for me but thats just me, I do seem to more or less be the only one in most things???

 

Ahh. We're here with you Mel.

 

It depends on the bully type and person.

The Insecure Bully:

Likes to put down others out of his own insecurity. Most of the time, he is just looking for a compliment. If he is stood up to, he will either go away (unlikely), cease entirely, or get physical. Best remedy is to just get far away, don't get involved. If you must, stand up to him, but fighting is the absolute last resort. Prevention is the best cure.

The Jock Bully:

Likes to put down or harass people to impress his friends, the girls, or to remain popular. Is often slightly insecure, but mostly fearful. Normally picks on the weak, but sometimes picks on people who he feels could threaten him. Just a pathetic loser. Best remedy, beat him at something, humiliate him in front of his friends. If he loses his status, he's nothing but a bum in underwear.

The Vicious Bully:

The rarer of the three. Attacks because he likes to fight. Is a coward at heart, fights the weak. Is cunning as well. Best remedy, ignore. If he touches you, warn him. If possible, warn at least three times before striking back in defense. If witnesses are around, you should have a good backup. If not, hit hard and run like hell.

 

So in short a bully is someone who picks on weaker members to bolster their own status?

Why would you warn 3 times? Why warn at all?

 

I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking. I was just giving 3 general types, from my what I've seen during the first quarter of my life.

 

Fair enough. What about the warnings?

 

By warnings I assume you mean...? Sorry, I literally was just posting the three types, perhaps I should've added some extra words?

 

These warnings:

 

I agree with Coconutjoe, youve got to get to him psycologically, put him down mentally, if he realises he cannot intimidate you he will back of,f violence will not help you as the school you are at will have strict rules and kick you out, of course the rules change if you were to bump into him at the weekend. The main thing is to realise he is weak and not let him beat worry you. (sorry about the spelling).

 

Surely there is a fine line between witty come backs and the bully tactic of put downs?

 

Oh, my bad . Well, any three warnings could suffice. Just saying, back off, I don't want any trouble. My personal three would be:

First touch (if he's really annoying, you could follow it with a slight shove and stepping backwards, raising your hands): "Hey, look, I don't want trouble, so please don't touch me, etc.

Second touch (again, physical follow up): "Look, buddy, I told you, I don't want trouble. Don't touch me again, I'm serious."

Third: A hard shove or medium strike, and try to draw attention.

 

I've never seen ignoring work. I think it's pretty hard to truly ignore the bully. Your body and/or face will show some sort of reaction to what he/she say's. Don't my ignorant mistakes and think ignoring will stop them - it won't.

Judderman's advice was good. You seem to be doing a good job stopping it.

If it does go physical (which I doubt given what you've been saying) then you must fight back. Otherwise he'll keep doing it and your spirit will be worn down. I would fight back - if you've got a reasonable skill set and a determined spirit you shall be fine (and if not, then you'll have shown that you're no free lunch). After the fight I would report it. Make sure you have your story right. You have a legal right to fight back, the school cannot stop this.

 

"It is folly to imagine that the aggressive types can be bought off,
whether nations or individuals…since the payment of “Danegeld"
stimulates the demand for more Danegeld. But they can be curbed.
Their very belief in force makes them more susceptible to
to the deterrent effect of a formidable opposing force."
~Sir Basil Liddell Hart

No, I'm not that well-read. I got this quotation off Marc "Animal" McYoung's website page on verbal de-escalation so we have him to thank for its availability. The emphasis, however, is mine.

It seems to me the very idea that was the foundation of the Cold War, but perhaps it isn't very helpful in the context where the bullies are many and the victim is one. Still, if the Cold War didn't conclude with the launching of weapons of mass destruction and the end of the wold, surely we can hope that sometimes, convincing a bully that the victim can be a formidable opposing force might not involve actual physical violence.

After all, do we not train in MA because we hope not to have to use the skills we learn in real life?

For those who have recommended fighting back, perhaps you might read his web page on zero tolerance in schools and comment. I am not in the US and don't really understand the US education system, so I will assume that he and you must have a better take on the situation than I do. If fighting back will result in the victim's expulsion as well as the bully's, it seems a pretty high price to pay for discouraging a bully, well above and beyond a black eye.

 

I never meant ignore per se - I meant the less you feed them the better - like Trolls on forums

I was bullied quite badly at school - I enjoyed (and still do) reading at lot at school so I became a librarian and went there at lunchtimes to avoid getting the verbal abuse I was getting at the time. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I had a free hand at as many books as i could handle and the bullies found it too "uncool" to be caught dead in the library. There are other ways of course. Don't use the same toilets as they do?? Go a different way to class (thereis always several normally) or perhaps make a point of joining classes after school to meet new people and make new friends that could build up your confidence and self worth. Its only why you "play the victim" that you remain one IMHO.

Remember...this is only MY opinion. It doesn't work for everyone

 

My only wish is that I had some of this advice 15+ years ago.

There's plenty of good advice here.

Not 'playing the victim' is a major factor. Bullies always go for the 'soft targets.'

 

For sure. Especially in the schoolyard.

Usually once you confront the bully head on, without any sign of weakness or fear, he/she won't bother you again. Speaking from personal experience.

It may only take a strong verbal comment. Or a complete aggressive attack/retaliation - in self defence or otherwise.

Fight back (afraid or not), and they won't come back.

 

I certainly wouldnt tell the guy I do MA, keep that as your little secret (damn, no evil smiley )

One key thing that Ive found works well in some situations where another party is acting aggressivly towards you is to simply act like they arent a threat and play it cool. Dont react with agression, but dont let your lack of reaction be mistaken for weakness. If you can have a joke with the person who is assuming the role of agressor. Obviously its vital that you guage your agressor first, is he just stupid and violent or is he a real nut case (or somewhere inbetween).. Humour, I find, is usually wasted on true nutters.. its best to just be somewhere they arent lol

Ive personally had experience in quite a lot of situations where someone is assuming an agressive position towards me, and only twise out of a lot of occasions has anything ever ended up getting physical, and only when Ive been too stupid (or drunk, but hey, like theres a difference) to defuse the situation..

most notably to my recollection is a situation where I was in a phone box with my friend and two guys open the door, blocking us in, obviously intent on robbing us. (them:give us some money, me: I cant, them: come on, he's got a knife in his pocket, dont mess around, me: Look mate, I havent even got anything worth robbing *laugh*, them: well whats in ya bag then?, me: books .. = I kept up the dialog for a minuite or two before finding out that the guys were stuck in town and trying to get home (just like me and my friend). When they realised we were in the same position as them they just lost interest..
The key I feel was me playing the "im not scared of you, ive got nothing worth robbing" card, maybe you can engineer a similar card for your bully, "Im not scared of you, you wont intimidate me so im not worth bullying"

good thread btw, Ive read lots of excellent posts!

 

This is very pertinent. I've managed to dissuade several potential muggers with exactly this strategy. Not only did I not seem scared but I ceased to be of interest when it was clear I had no cash.

Mike

 

How I dealt with a bully

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I faced something similair, and I am going to tell you how I dealt with it.
I had a an alcohol problem and wanted to give up, so I went to a group of alcoholics anonymous.
I am five feet six and 126lbs, dead skinny, and am the intellectual type, glasses etc.
I had had no martial arts training beyond some boxing lessons as a kid.
Although I am not particularly strong and am generally uncoordinated and non-sporty for some wierd reason I am a very hard puncher for my size.
So anyway I attended this AA meeting for a year and I gave up drinking.
Anyway one day I became secretary of a small meeting and there was just a female and myself turned up. A guy turns up late and starts wanting to talk after the meeting is due to finish so I told him to stop. He carries on. So after repeatedly asking him politely to stop, I interrupt him and start to finish the meeting. He was drinking a coffee which without warning he threw in my face.
Luckily it wasn't boiling, but whilst my eyes were blinded he punched me to the ground. Luckily he did not put the boot in before I jumped up, punched him back, he goes over. I jumped on top of him, bit his hand and stuck my finger in his eye.
Wierdly enough, although he didn't like it he wasn't devastated by this, but did eventually say he quit and went home without further bother.
Anyway, this guy was much heavier and stronger than me, but was stupid and a big mouth. I did feel physically intimidated by him because he outweighed me by 50lbs, and he had a tough demeaner about him.
He was a bit of a nutty alcoholic and was in the habit of having fist fights with the police, beating up his girlfriends and that sort of stuff.
Anyway, next time I went to AA, he was there and in front of everyone, offered me outside and said he was going to beat my brains out.
I was pooping myself and backed down.
I tried to get the AA group to ban the guy, but they refused and voted to do nothing to help me, thus permanently causing me to lose my respect for them.
One of them explained to me that some of them were scared of this guy, but in general they just thought it was my problem, not theirs, and could not be bothered to help me.
I was scared of this guy and knew he would physically attack me if I went there again. I felt publicly shamed and humilitated as well as let down by the group. Moreover, this guy lived in my area so there was every possiblity of my bumping into him. Even worse he knew my mother which concerned me a lot.
Anyway what I did was this: I started lifting weights and I started studying a martial art (Krav Maga, a straightforward practical Israeli martial art. This was in Israel). I was lousy at the krav maga because I am just no good at this kind of stuff, but my instructor was a small guy with the heart of a lion and he kind of inspired me. He also told me that my punches were really extremely powerful for my size. This just seems to be a god given gift.
I also read the writings of a tremendous English martial artist Geoff Thompson
www.geoffthompson.com. The main things I got from Geoff Thompson was:
1) If you are going to fight, make sure you hit him before he hits you, then keep on hitting until he is out of the fight or you can escape
2) In a real situation, kicks are usually not practical. Rely on punching.
My instructor also told me to concentrate on punching, because I had no skill but terrific power, so this is a relatively simple technique.
The main thing I got from my Krav Maga instructor was simply heart.

So one day after training with my instructor, I suddenly felt ready.
I walked calmly up to the AA meeting room. I did not know what was going to happen because I was heavily outweighed, but I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I was going to fight, win or lose.

I was lucky because he was by himself in an outside room standing up.
He was surprised to see me, because he thought I was scared off permanently and I used that as a window of opportunity.
I walked up to him and without warning wacked him with a straight right. He felt it but didn't go down and so following geoff thompson's advice, I simply kept on wacking him over and over with the right. He was so much heavier than me that it took him quite a while to go down, but my punches were hard enough that he couldn't get himself together to punch me back.
So for me it was a great situation, because I was hitting him, and he wasn't able to hit me back.
Eventually he goes over and I jumped on top of him. I simply carried on smashing him over and over in the face with the right hand, broke his nose, his cheekbone and his jaw (I found out later) and he is screaming for help quite literally.
Anyway they dragged me off him, and I then walked in and told the AA group what I thought of them. They later rang me up and banned me, but by that time I couldn't care less because I did not respect them.
Anyway I had the most tremendous feeling of relief, because I had my self respect back for the first time since this sorry business started.
That is the worst thing about bullying, it takes away your self respect if you do not stand up for yourself.
Anyway it solved my problem because this guy ran into my mother later on in the neighbourhood and actually enquired after my health!

To conclude:
1) Each situation is different and each person is different. I am sharing what worked for me. It may not be right for you
2) I was lucky noone called the police on me (but to be honest I was so distressed by the whole business, I was prepared to accept this)
3) Don't warn him at all. If you are going to fight, smash him in the face without warning and keep hitting him until he is completely defeated
If you warn him, you are giving away your biggest advantage.
Even better, deceive him by pretending you are scared to fight and then hit him when he is least ready
4) Read Geoff Thompson www.geoffthompson.com
5) Before you fight make sure you are absolutely determined to defeat him completely, your mind must be totally working to one goal
6) I was a lousy boxer and even worse at Krav Maga, but I was really really determined to get him and that made up for any lack of skill
7) Finally this guy was stupid, for instance when he punched he literally swung his arm back behind his head and telegraphed it wildly. It is a stupid thing to be a bully, so your guy could well be stupid too. I think if you are cleverer than him it is a major advantage. Use everything you've got to outfox him and you will win. Good luck