Depression Coming Back

I'm having similar things happen, I'm training once to twice a week on a good week, and I'm getting controlled by people I used to be able to easily beat.

I try to just be thankful I can train, be happy people I helped teach are getting so good so quickly, and not take it personally, it still sucks though....

 

Chalk it down to a bad day emotion wise, taking the summer off explains what happend I think. Just reflect back and try to look at why it hit a nerve with you the way it did. My advice would be to not let your self esteem be so tied up with winning and losing at what has obviously become a passion for you. Convince yourself that investing in loss IS the path to true and lasting growth - and it is. All success is littered by failure laid behind it.

I had a really bad day last week, it's been a while since I felt so down and gotten in such a black mood, so it took me a bit by surprise. It's always something that relates back to our ego in some way. I had had some not great news the evening before and next day first thing someone I have had issue with before I felt 'got in my face' a bit, funny how timing always seems like its against you at these moments - but I'm just rationalizing having a bad/OTT reaction - simply put, I should have been able to control myself much better. It messed up the whole rest of my day as if I was under an awful black cloud I couldn't shake off. It's really hard to explain.

Anger, depression, sadness .. it all sucks man. Just remember you're not alone out there.

 

Another small thing that can help is to remind yourself at these times that it WILL pass. All things come to pass, good, bad, indifferent. When things get bad, however bad it feels remind yourself that it's transient and temporary. It all is!

 

Obviously I can only speak for myself here, but this is something I *hate* when people tell me.
If I get told this on a bad day - okay, I can live with that.

But if someone tells me that during a depression - nope, makes me nuts.
It's like saying: Just be happy, look around you.
It doesn't work like this, not during a depression.

Nothing personal towards you, cloud, just mentioning what effect that has to me(!). Others, of course, might experience it differently
Oh, and I'm not even saying it's wrong.
I actually try that myself regularly! That's why I know, it doesn't work for me at all, during depression.
On a bad day, it depends. Then I can drive myself insane with it, but I also might a lot calmer with that in mind.

 

I would agree - nothing really works - you just have to let it pass.
With time and experience - I am 47 - I have to remind myself that it does pass. So whilst It doesn't make me feel any better, in that moment, when I remind myself;
It does or can give me another perspective to think about, or at least look forward to it being over at some point.

I don't know how old you are, but I've been effected by these things since childhood. At many times in the past it was normal life for me, for long periods.
Now I'm mostly a lot better. The admonition that "it will pass" is something you need to ingrain into day to day life and reflect.

Now that may be veering to other things, but ok. I will just add that a regular meditation practice can also be of service and tie in with that particular idea.

 

In the end it's all about management; finding ways to manage yourself and keep things in perspective.
And honestly, it needs to be constant. As soon as you let things slide a bit, it comes back to bite you.
So when you are doing well, those are the important times to keep doing the things that keep you well.
Slowly you are more well than you are unwell and things can turn around.

 

Even that little thought of "it should be a bit better tomorrow" can be a small crumb of comfort.

Honestly, I really don't think it is like saying that at all. It's not about being or feeling anything. It's about seeing that all thought, mood - all things in life physical and non physical alike - are impermanent. It applies to happiness as much as anything else.

Maybe it's about how much you can believe in ideas like that, that can help someone more or less.

 

Honestly today and yesterday I've just been thinking about how useless I am. Wishing I was dead. Repeating to myself how everyone always puts me second to someone else. it was really bad. I sat crying for 20 minutes after class. I'm 28 years old. I'm supposed to be an adult but honestly I don't think I can ever stop comparing myself to other people and how pathetic of a human I am. I am so done with living.

 

I didn't really feel like a 'real' adult til I was in my early 30s. I think it is human nature to compare yourself to other people, but remember that you are only seeing a small slice of their life, and none of their inner turmoil.

If you aren't already, I strongly recommend talking to a doctor or a therapist about getting help for depression.

 

I'm nearly 46 and don't feel like a proper adult. No one does really imho. Some people are good at putting up an adult front. Some people breeze through things.
We're all just muddling along as best we can.

 

Nobody ever feels like there an adult, everyone is just faking it.

Satan makes a good point.

 

Seconded, if you havn't already go get a gp appointment.

 

I'm glad that you had the courage to come on here to post about how you feel.
That does not sound good

I can only echo the words that you should seek advice straight away. Please!

 

It's a lot easier speaking on here than it is speaking to family and friends. Tried to get medical help before. Got as far as seeing a person and talking once a week. Due to schedules they terminated me from further appointments. I got better anyway though so it's not that bad.

 

I strongly encourage you to try again--you say you got better, but your post earlier today doesn't come off that way. I am concerned for you.

 

Now you made me pick up my notebook instead of only the tablet...
Writing in it, just is more comfortable.
Anyway...

Since fall I am having have a crappy time myself.
I feel bad all the time, could sit on the couch and just stare (seriously, I watch these bad TV judge shows, where people that got hit and got a black eye, still have it when the trial begins...).
I play a lot video games or watch some other TV, just for the reason I don't go entirely nuts and because it's the only things I enjoy a least a bit lately.
I love my dog, and the cats, with all my heart, but with all the rain outside we didn't go out much either (luckily he doesn't care at these days; he's not a rain-dog) - so he'sanother thing that keeps me sane.
I can hardly motivate myself to go train at all - only thing I do lately are the kids, and even for those I need all my strength to show up.

Now, there is a reason that I had written that; not to make it about me, but for the next part:

and the other posts that seconded it.
Especially given that:

Since I can't go and just see a therapist (more precisely: I'd have to pay it entirely myself, which is simply put impossible), I went and took at least medication.
I didn't wanted it (got a little talked into it and when I went to my family doctor, he pretty much said: "Look at yourself - how could medication make it any worse?". Quite straight forward, but it made me do it, because he *did* have a point, even though I'm sure there are people who would have disliked his way or saying it), I hated it - but, damn, that stuff helped me out!
I actually sort of miss it, because it beats feeling like a worthless piece of work.
It also made me get up lots of days being sort of happy, certainly being easy on myself, seeing some worth in things, and -which I found important- liking and enjoying things, I did.

I stopped taking the medication, because it made me gains tons of weight again (nearly 20kg), and I really worked hard on losing these before all that.
Now I start slowly on working to lose them again - and sooner or later, I will take medication again, but being more thoughtful of my weight.
Because - as much as I hated taking this stuff - it might life worth something again.

I read a nice quote a while back; it went on the lines of: 'You don't get the time, you lose due to depression, tagged back on in the end.'
I'd need to look for the exact words, but as dumb and obvious this is: I try to remember myself to not forget this.
That's why I decided to let myself play video games a lot, lately - at least, I enjoy it, and when there is nothing else to enjoy for me at this point - then I *will* play these stupid games, or watch some series...!
I still feel horrible and useless and like I'm wasting my time, but at least I can forget it for a while.

Oh, and I googled alternative medications; considering for a couple of days now to go see my doc, to ask about "Fluotexin" instead of "Escitalopram", because gaining weight is not such a common side effect in these.
But since I am no doctor, there might be other reasons, why I shouldn't take these.

I know, it sounds like I make it about me now.
But that is *not* the reason, I wrote it.
I wrote it, to encourage you, to go see a doctor and in a worse case scenario talk to him about medication as an addition.
They won't do wonders within a few days, but they might help you through things or at least making things easier.

And this.
I agree again with the others:

And answers in the same line.

I should be an adult too.
I just can't.
I'm lucky, if I manage to live with a little normality, I can't even think about being a proper adult.


And just because I think, Morik has a lot of rights in this:

I quote that here as well.
Listen to him, because he makes lots of sense here.
Whether you might like it or not.
(Personally I never liked blunt words like that; but I *did* like, that people cared to be this honest.

 

Go and get another referral, or talk to your Dr about medication, mental health is just like physical health, if you have a broken leg, it's good to use a crutch for a few months, untill it's had time to heal.

If schedules are a problem, and you can't afford time off, many areas offer CBT via an app on your phone.


Edit

Here are the direct links,

Self-help therapies

 

Here's a thought I've had. It may be way off base.
I think this type of thought pattern is more common in conscientious people. People that actually care. People that strive towards some sort of goal or ideal. And that in some ways is a positive trait.
There are countless people not half as nice or decent or accomplished as you that don't put themselves through the same mental anguish because they simply don't care or don't have the same standards.
While you are concerned about what you are, how you are as a person, what you've done or not done.
I beat myself up over being a crap parent. Not enough time or patience with with my kids, etc etc. But I know there are parents far worse than me (and better of course). But it's very easy to focus on the negative and not the positive.
Maybe recognise that this seems to go through waves? Dips and troughs. Highs and lows. You will come out of this. It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even next week. But it will get better.
Think about it as being under some big unskilled dude's side control...it will be unpleasant...it will be rough and hard work...but he will tire out...he will leave you room to move...you just need to pick your moment, keep working, defend yourself and eventually you'll get guard, sweep and end up on top.

 

Please take m advice. Go to your GP. They may well refer you for counselling etc... but you can request medication and 99.9% of the time they will comply.

Medication isn't for everyone and it's not really a long term solution BUT it WILL take the edge off.

Take your emotional state and put it on a scale of 1 -10 (1 being worst depression you can think of 10 be stupidly happy) ... Most people would love to live in 8,9 & 10 but realistically they probably live day to day in 5,6,7 on average and only really hit <5 if something bad happens to them. Depression sees this norm, flipped. You spend most of your time in 5,4,3 will occasionally slip into 2,1 during really bad phases and rarely ever get up to >5 (but it does happen sometimes.

From my own experience, medication keeps you at 4,5,6 . Smack bang in the middle. For me it was like a default state. It was hard not being able to get excited or happy about small things that I would have normally but in the long run, that sacrifice was much better than spending the majority of my day in the lower half of the scale. When you are stable, you can start to work on causes etc... and then see counselling.

As I've said, this is my experience but from what you have said, you need to try something and if counselling isn't working for you right now please speak to a doc about meds.