Befriending your instructor

Good topic.

I think there's a definitely a lot of gray areas here too... for example, even though you may enjoy class together, is your instructor really a person who will be your "friend" or will it stay strictly professional (instructor-client relationship).

As a Taekwondo instructor, we had a lot of children and teens as students, I don't want to be their "friend" (and they probably don't 'really' want me as a friend) - we don't have a lot in common aside from fun in class. Their parents and I got along well and I am friends with a few of them, some kept it to a 'business' relationship.

In our Hapkido program, we are all adults and share a lot of things in common. As such, I am close friends with my instructor and with my students. Some keep it more business-like and some are close personal friends. Everyone knows that when I start class, we focus on class and that I am either in charge or assisting the guy in charge.

So, a guess I wonder what the OP and his/her instructor have in common - are you both adults, similar backgrounds, jobs, etc... or are you very different and not someone who s/he would hang out with outside of class normally?

 

In Chinese culture, the "like teacher and like friend" relationship is very common. This kind of releationship is better than just the teach-student relationship. You may have to pay enough money before your teaher starts to teach you anything useful. Your friend will teach you that on day one. Old Chinese saying said, "It's better to visit your friend than to look for a teacher." Your teacher may lie to you just for your money. Your true friend won't do that to you.

 

I train at a University club and it kinda works against you to not socialise with the club, including the instructors. This can make the training easier as you know your classmates as well as the instructors who may find out more about what drives you to train in the first place and any other issues that the dojo might not be the best place to discuss them.

 

I consider both of my teachers good friends and I know the feeling is reciprocated.

On the mat is on the mat but in the bar they are buying.

 

I am naturally a friendly chap and see no issues with being friendly with my teachers, there should always be respect for the student-teacher relationship and class discipline through.

Only issue I have had is keep calling someone Sifu/Sensei outside of the dojo/kwoon even when asked to call them by their name just by force of habit.

Osu!

Dan93

 

Sure you can befriend your instructor. I see mine as like a father figure. He eve calls us his children, hehehe. I think its cute. He is a private person so he doesnt go on about his private life and all that. He does like a wall. But he doesnt have to tell you everything for you to be friends. I know some stuff though, like he was the oddball of his family including his wife and kids the only 1 into MA. even his grandkids arent into it. One of his sons owns a restaurant in the city. My other sensei has a wife and cats and is childfree.

and when I was in university, my Russian language professor, one of them, he was only like 8 years older and we became buds, I liked him as like an older brother. I loved him. like a brother figure.

 

My Sifu would have us over for holiday parties but I guess part of that may be that Chinese arts in my view are geared towards your family now. We run into each other at stores and it just feels like your close maybe not family but at least your friends. All my guys are willing to stop and help if we need them to we hang out together when we can. We have parties we go out from time to time. Things may not be as they once were especially because most of us are non Asian. However I still feel my guys are friends and brothers I can go to if I need help or just want to have a good time.

 

My instructor and I are close, but I am not sure I'd call it a "friend" type relationship. He is a father figure and mentor of mine and advises me on all sorts of areas in my life. There's a wall there, but honestly that might be appropriate given he's a married man with kids and I'm a single female. We don't hang out after classes, but we call or text each other on our own time... I'm the assistant instructor so some of that is regarding the class and our students but some of it is to advise me on things I might be struggling with (he's of the mentality that an instructor teaches and helps where there is need, and that's not confined merely to just martial arts)... and some of it is just pure silliness and inside jokes...

I guess if I could say anything to the original poster though, I'd tell you to relax. I've been with my instructor for 3 years and it's only been in the past year or so that we've been close. Like any relationship, it's going to take time. Relax... be yourself... don't try so hard... if he wants to become anything more than just a teacher you see a few hours a week, it'll happen... if not, it won't. Simple as pie.

 

nice I like pie

 

I think instructors should be put on something of a pedestal, rather than considering them as 'mates'. As a student it is your role to train hard and show them due deference.

Its OK, for example, to go to the pub with the instructors after training. But the instructors should have their own table and the students should ensure they never go without a drink. Drinks should appear on the table (as if by magic) just as the instructor(s) are finishing their last one.

Always consult your instructor regarding your personal life (but never ask about theirs). Being experts in martial arts auto-magically makes us experts in all other aspects of life (affairs of the heart, insurance, car maintenance, you name it!)

Just going back to the 'going to the pub' bit, its important to get the details right. As an instructor I wouldn't even consider going to the pub with students unless:
1. a student had gone ahead to reserve me a table.
2. another student had guaranteed to underwrite my capacious alcohol requirements.
3. a third student accompanied me to the pub in order to hold my belly-wheel in position en route.

And of course I'd expect to be put in a pre-paid taxi afterwards for the homeward journey.

Mike (but you can call me sensei)

 

This.

And this too. I have friends already. I am not desperate for more. And I really don't want a clingy person who feels the 'need' to become my friend.

In the context our art, I will instruct you to the best of my ability. I will correct you and deal with your individual training issues where I can. But until I know that you approach the art seriously and that you'll stick around for the long haul, I really don't care about you.

I've been with my sensei for many years. We run the club together and among ourselves we treat each other as equals. We have become sort of family and trust each other implicitly. But we are not social friends.

I still find that this article sums it up quite well:
http://shutokukan.org/join_the_ryu.html

 

My kenpo instructor is a very good friend of mine, and he is friends with most of his long term students, we socialize outside of class on a regular basis. It works for him. And he would be the first to acknowledge that conflict between his role as instructor and friends has been a problem, particularly as intra-dojo personality conflicts then results in issues between friends. One issue was so bad that he almost quit teaching, but he worked through it and won't change his approach. His instructor is much more distant, you definately feel that "wall" during training. Different strokes for different folks.

For me, with my adult students I am comfortable mixing the friend and instructor roles, with some students I consider myself friend with, and others not as much. I don't think it impacts the class as it is fairly informal to begin with. Much of the training beyond the fundamentals is literally called "play," why would I want to play with people who aren't my friends?

During kids classes I naturally keep up more of a wall.

 

Yes. As you said: with social friend interaction comes the huge risk of personality conflict due to group dynamics. In my case, I think risking the stability and the functioning of the dojo just for the sake of 'all being friends' is not worth it. To me, that is ignoring the responsibilities of being a teacher.

And if you run a very informal place where you are one of the guys, it might work. If you are part of a hierarchical structure that is rather strict, I think it is just a recipe for disaster.

 

My parents saw fit to bestow two younger siblings upon me, so I cannot imagine somebody voluntarily putting up with anything this annoying.

I get along fine with my instructor but we're not close friends. Several other guys in class are but they've been training together for years on end. The instructor doesn't play favorites though, and if anything comes down harder on the old-timers if they get out of line, so nobody minds.

We don't hang out much outside of classes, partly because he lives a pretty good distance away from my town and partly because, quite frankly, for the most part I'm as unsociable a git as possible without living in a remote cave in the mountains somewhere.

The arrangement suits me fine and as far as I can tell it suits him, so there you have it.

 

Well, the Filipino martial arts tend to be more informal that most of what I see in the Japanese/Chinese/Korean systems. One of my instructors is the inheritor of his family art, he came out this past spring for a couple of seminars and then I took him camping for a week. I would be comfortable calling him a friend, and why not, he is of similar age with me. We spent 4 hours in a Chinese restaurant just talking about everything and a topic came up that answered some questions that I have had about this art for about 10 years, but it came up in a manner that was very organic and was a result of the comfort level between us. On the flipside his uncle who is the head of the art is 30 years older than me and we really don't have much in common, so we have a much more formal relationship.

 

At my age I'm not sure I would want to be friends with an instructor. I have been down that road and you may have different goals and needs from a friendship or working relationship. While he is your teacher, he is also an employee ( if your paying for your lessons). While he is a master you may have other sills you have mastered. Myself for example.... I hold several college degrees and have my own accomplishments. As pals I might feel bad for him if he tried to hang with me in my world of authors and therapists. All in all you must have a teacher who fits you or the instructor/student/ consumer/ employee relationship will not work.

 

Yes, what we do where I train, is that we are all friends (I would say more like family), but it is important for everyone to know that the instructors will just treat you as a student during training, when training ends, you are a person again, understand?
Also, we dont grade our own students, I am part of a larger association, thus have the oppertunity to use teachers from other schools for grading and sometimes checking standards and progress of the students and myself.