Befriending your instructor

Hey guys, hope you all doing well
I am just wondering
Is it possible to be friend my instructor? Meaning like making him like kinda of an older brother.
My instructor is great and I respect him allot. But I do not know, I feel like there is a wall between me and him.
And if you think that I can befriend me instructor, can I please get some tips on it.

Thanks guys
Waiting to hear your thoughts

 

My instructor's a mate. But then he's the same age as me and has been training the same amount of time (different arts to me though) so it's not like he's an "elder".

 

Have you considered that your instructor may want that "wall" between you?
It might not be personal, but he may prefer a more professional relationship with his students.

Don't try to force relationships, it will almost always end up pushing people further away.

Don't sweat it, just be respectful and train. Maybe one day you'll be friends, but that is in the lap of the gods.

 

Say whaaaaaaattttt?!?
That sounds utterly crazy and horribly elitist and divisive to me.

 

If you think that you can stop instructors and students having sex by telling them not to, I think you're a bit naive about human nature.

Making fraternization against the rules will just make it hidden, and then it's harder to figure out any bias issues.

Why can't you use other instructors to test every now and again, to check that standards are being maintained?

 

The best gains I've made in martial arts have been with instructors that were also friends. Getting that close relationship, trust and openess. Even just exchanging ideas over a pint and having a laugh.

There IS a grey area between "getting abused or having sex" and "can't fraternise with them at all".
I guarantee you are in that grey area with pretty much everyone else in your life.

If I was told, on joining a school/club, that I couldn't be friends with "X" because "X" was graded higher than me then I'd walk straight back out again.

 

It's utter nonsense to put such rules in place.

I am friends with most of my students and close friends with a few - when its grading time they know they have to perform or I won't pass them. If your association needs to legislate against that type of thing then clearly there are bigger issues beyond nepotism

 

I've got a photo somewhere of my old hapkido instructor showing a wrist lock variation to my current Shidokan Karate instructor when they were both at my wedding reception.
I'm stood at the side looking on in my full wedding outfit.
We're all a few sheets to the wind.

 

How can you spend hours every week learning from(or with) someone and not become friends?

 

For what it's worth, i'm close friends with a few of my students, and have found much in common with them. Even after some of them have stopped training with me, we are still very close. I am also friendly with many of my other students, but not to the point of digging into their personal life (or divulging sensitive details of my own).

HOWEVER, it is important to keep certain barriers up, and maintain professionalism - particularly when class is on. Even with the students who i am close to, i would never offload my personal issues onto them. Whilst it might be fine to discuss thoughts or feelings on some things, it must be understood that there is a line that - if crossed - may make the student feel uncomfortable and confused, and erode the relationship that you have with them as a source of guidance/authority.

Ultimately, it is about balance: By all means be honest and sincere with your students, but do not forget that you also have certain obligations as a professional. Also, class time is class time: If your "friends" forget their place and undermine you in class because they see themselves as an equal, they need to either keep themselves in check, or leave the class. There are plenty of people who train with me that are tougher than me, better fighters than me, and more experienced than me. However, they all appreciate the fact that once they enter the class, i teach and they listen - they are, after all, paying for my knowledge and skill as an instructor. Whilst i certainly encourage my students to question me and the material, there is ALWAYS a certain degree of formality that must be kept in order for things to remain productive.

If you want to have a productive friendship with your instructor - or indeed anyone - you must first accept that there are certain barriers you cannot break, and should never try to break.

 

In a commercial business it makes perfect sense to maintain a strictly business relationship.

 

My instructor is always trying to figure out how to be my friend though Im really not interested in it. Id like my lessons and then be on with it.

 

Sometimes students try to be friends for selfish reasons and it makes for uncomfortable conversations and or asking for "favors" and discounts.

 

To be completely honest with you, it took me a while to become friends with my instructor. I probably was still terrified of him until I started training for my Black Belt. A good instructor will keep a friendly relationship with you, even one that can hang out on the weekends or something with, but will not change his perspective of you during class, or training. If you can maintain that healthy relationship, it will be better, maybe, for the both of you. Try to shoot, if possible, for a familial relationship w/ the instructor.

 

This.

So very this.

If you need those rules then maybe the instructors should not be doing that role.