Worlds worst joke. A man goes round to his neighbours. Is Bill in? he asks. Sorry, he is told, but Bill passed away last Tuesday. Oh, sorry he replies, did he say anything about half a can of paint he owed me
The world's shortest fairytale: Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" She said "No." And he lived happily ever after.
Ape Love A zoo gets a new female gorilla for thier big budget gorilla display. For the first few months, the gorilla, "Maisey", is the most popular exhibit at the zoo and she responds well to the crowds and the staff. Eventually though, she begins to behave erradically. She becomes increasingly more unpredictable and destructive, destroying most of the exhibit and scaring the visitors. Fearing that this expensive exhibit will have to be shut down, the manager of the zoo calls in a vetranarian who specializes in gorillas. He is able to give her a quick examination and determines that the problem is quite simple. The gorilla is "in season", and this particular breed gets increasingly violent if they don't "get some". The zoo manager contacts all the surrounding zoos to see if they have a male gorilla they can send to get it on with Maisey. But the zoos either do not have an appropriate male, or they are afraid that Maisey's violent behavior will harm thier males. The manager is at his wits end when he happens to notice that everytime the redneck groundskeeper, Cletus, is working near Maisey's exhibit, she stops raving and stares longingly at him. It seems obvious to the manager that Maisey has found her mate. The manager sees no other option, so he calls Cletus into his office. "Cletus," he says, "you know our new gorilla Maisey, right?" "Yup," drawls Cletus. "I am sure that you noticed that her behavior has been pretty wild and dangerous lately." "Yup, sure have." "Well... um... let's be honest here. She is in season. She is also making it obvious that she is feeling... affectionate toward you." "Uh...ok." "I'll cut to the chase here. Cletus, will you mate with Maisey the gorilla for $500?" Cletus sits for a moment and ponders as much as his oakie brain will allow. He figures out that he might be able to make this work to his advantage someday and finally says, "Yuh know... my mama didn't raise no fool. So if I agree to do this, there are three conditions." "Certainly," says the desperate manager, "what are they?" "One- Even though I might do some freaky things, I ain't gonna kiss no gorilla. So she can't expect no kissin." "Oh, of course not. Noone expects you to kiss her." "Two- Nobody can know about this." "Absolutely- just you, me and Maisey." "And three- you gotta give me at least a week to come up with the $500."
What's the definition of daring? Playing leap frog with a unicorn --- What's the definition of trusting? Two cannibals going down on each other --- What did the man with no limbs do? Not a lot --- How does a German talk to its mother? MUTTERS (Mutter is German for mother) -sorry, lame --- Why did the one armed man cross the road? To get to the second hand shop --- And I've got hundreds more "why did..." jokes. Anyone?
Here's a joke someone told me once (& actually thought it was funny ): Q: What do you get when you cross a worm with a hippo? A: Chicken Lasagne. Dumb, I know.
Q - What do you do with a wombat?? A - Play 'wom' with it. Q - Why are pirates so popular? A - They just arrrr. Q - Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head? A - Because from a distance they looked like hares. A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
what do you call a potato with a red cape? super potato! what do you call a tomato with a red cape? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Super potato impersonator!!!!
Sorry if these have been posted already. Q: What's big, white and sits in the fork of a tree? A: A fridge. Q: Why did Billy fall of his bike? A: Someone threw a fridge at him. Q: Why did Billy fall of his bike? A: Billie was a gold fish. Two vomits are walking down the street when one starts crying. The other one asks "Are you all right?" The first vomit replies "See that pub over there? That's where I was bought up." Q: A brunette and a blonde jump off a cliff, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. Q: How do you know a blonde has been using your computer? A: There's liquid paper all over the screen. Q: What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown. A: Artificial Intelligence. Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence.
one day, a king goes out and says: in 50 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and everyone dismisses him as crazy. the next year, the king goes out and says: in 49 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and people just look at him. next, year, he says: in 48 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and now people start paying attention. next, year: in 47 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and people get curious. meanwhile the renaissance comes. next year, same thing: in 46 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people get excited. next year: in 45 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and people get nervous. next year: in 44 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and meanwhile the economy reaches utopian levels, and the kingdom reaches the modern age by the finding of ancient technological manuscripts. next year: in 43 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people hail the king. next year the king slays an ancient dragon and says: in 42 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people rejoice. next year: photo cameras are invented: in 41 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people can't wait. next year: the people have a late invention of gunpowder, and a horrible war erupts, meanwhile: in 40 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year: the war has claimed thousands of lives, so people throw down their weapons, and: in 39 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the kingdom is almost rebuilt, and the king says: do not worry, in 38 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year: in 37 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people continuew rebuilding. next year: in 36 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people start thinking their king's gone mad. next year in the same: in 35 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people laugh at the king. next year the king repeats yet again: in 34 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and goes back into his balcony next year: the rebuilding finishes, and the king says: let us rejoice, in 33 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!. next year: in 32 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people start to get exited next year interpretation of the manuscripts leads to further advances in technology, and the king says: in 31 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the twentieth time anounces the CHOOOOO!!!!! is caught on video: in 30 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year laser weapons are discovered, and yet again war erupts, but the king says: do not fear, for in 29 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!. next year, the war continues: in 28 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the war does not show signs of stopping: in 27 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, space travel is discovered: in 26 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the war spills into space: in 25 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year a star is destroyed and the war ends: in 24 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, rebuilding starts: in 23 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the king's nephew is born: in 22 years we'l have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the king's nephew walks and babbles a few things: in 21 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the king goes to space: in 20 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, rebuilding finishes again, and the king transmits from space: REJOICE, since in 19 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the king anounces his nephew enters first grade, and in 18 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the king says: in only 17 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and people get really exited. next year: in 16 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the land rejoices next year, the king anounces that in just 15 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the kingdom cheers and hails the king next year, the kingdomdiscovers nanomachines, and the king says: in 14 years, even the nanobots will have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the nanobots throw a party next year, a nanobot war ravages the land, and the king says: royal guard, eliminate them, for in 13 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the nanobots are destroyed, and the king says: now in 12 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the kingdom cheers again. next year: the kingdom turns into a universal empire, and the emperor says: in 11 years, we'll have universal CHOOOOO!!!!! next year: in 10 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the universe is immersed in happiness next year: in 9 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and people get nervous again next year: in 8 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the empire is filled with anxiety next year a special reunion place for the universe made for CHOOOOOO!!!!!!, and the king inspects it and says: in 7 years, right here, we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year: people start packing: in 6 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!!! next year people panic everywhere, since: in 5 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year people get ready: in 4 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the meeting place is finished: in 3 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year the king goes to the meeting place, addresses the people and says: my people, in 2 years we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!! next year, the whole universe relocated to the meeting place, and the king proclaimed: just one more year to go and we'll have CHOOOOO!!!!!, and the people cheered and set off fireworks and partied all year. next year, the king addresses the crowd and asks: YOU WANT CHOOOOO!!!!!? the universe answers a unanimous YES!. the king gets out a bucket of cold water, dunks a red hot sword in it and the vapor comes out: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
How does an elephant get down from a tree? He stands on a leaf and waits for autumn! ========================================= How do you know if an elephants been in your fridge? Footprints in the butter! ==========================================
Whats green and red and spins real fast. A frog in the blender I know a bunch of jewish jokes, are they gonna get deleted admins?
