Beginning VENT My stepson is 9, I love him dearly, I have been his stepdad and steady father figure since he was 18 months. He is very smart, intellegent, clever, and many other words He also has anger issues. We have been in touch with the school for a few years now and we have been refered for assesment as they believe he appears on the aspergers, dispraxia spectrum somewhere. (please excuse the spelling) It has been hard going at times the past few years but I love the little sod to bits and I keep going. His natural faher is of the opinion that he has nothing wrong with him that a good clip round the ear will not sort and I will agree at times this is prob correct. Tonight I have been kicked, hit with a large plastic nerf gun, hit with a roll of wall paper(harder than what you would think), jumped on, threatened to be stabbed with a screwdriver, to be strangled with his old TKD belts, told to go away, told that he does not want me, told that he does not want to live with me and wifey amongst other things all because we asked him to help clear the dinner table, the same things he and his brother do every evening after dinner. We have spoken to his natural father and his wife was slapped round the face this weekend. I am not sure where to go from here, I could see through it if we were bad parents who beat our kids and show them no love etc but we are not like that. I am at a point where I just dont know what to do nor does my wife or his older brother who is 12. He has been in tears saying that he hates his brother as he ruins everything . That in itself is quite true, on a day out if he doesnt get his way he kicks off, if something isnt to his liking he kicks off. It is stressing my wife out and our family in general. Senco at his school has made some sugestions which we have tried but we have been laughed at as stepson can see through them. I am worried that if we dont get this under control it will get worse as he gets older, at this point in time my wife and I can physically restrain him if needs be, but he does not know his own strength when he is in a rage. I am an 18 stone bloke so it takes quite a bit to move me but my wife is a wee person and it will not be long until he will just push her about. What if he has a go at her or me and I have no choice but to hit back? That makes me the worst dad in the world but if means protecting my wife and other kids from him I will do it but with tears in my eyes. Anyhooooo I am now going to go out to heavy bag and have a blistering workout Thanks for listening people Regards Rob
That's really tough fella. Any chance of seeing the GP to get some help? Fingers crossed for all of you. Mitch
Believe it or not the GP cant do much. Got to be referred through the school first! Laughable really. When he isnt in a rage he is a really sweet and lovable little lad. Cheers for the reply Mitch
Sorry to hear that mate... I have three kids and am unable to give you some constructive advice... Although I do agree with that "good clip round the ear" advice you got. IMHO perhaps you should seek some professional help. People tend to avoid that but sometimes it is the best solution... PS: Mitch, what does GP stand for?
G = wast of P = space!! Hee hee, we have looked for professional help but we have to jump through hoops to get it. Currently jumping hoops as we speak and for an 18 stone bloke that aint an easy thang!!
I'm assuming General Practitioner? Basically a family doctor. Never underestimate the power a shart wrap on the bottom has to an unsuspecting child whom you're more than ready to simply let cry.
Yeah, IMO, it wouldn't be a bad idea to hit back in a controlled way next time he kicks, slaps or stabs you with an object. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad father it's simply teaching him that people have the right to protect themselves and that he needs to respect their boundaries. Better a simple slap from you than 8 fractures from an older kid if he starts on them and they don't care much to finely calibrate their retaliation.
Or it may teach him that violence is an acceptable method of sorting out angry arguments. I have, on very rare occasions, smacked my children on the bottom when I felt it was the best method of interrupting an extreme tantrum or screaming abdabs as I believe the medical proffession say. Personally I would not do that in a situation when a child has hit out, because you are then entering into consensual violence with that child, escalating an already aggresive situation into a fight and "winning" by being bigger and stronger. It's a fine distinction but an important one I feel. Kids who behave like that will usually have some reason for it, though they may not know what it is themselves. Talking to them about it in calm times may help, finding other ways for them to express anger or stress when they feel it may help. It can also be an indication of asperger's/autism spectrum, or may be diet related, all sorts of things. It can even be bullying at school. You know your boy Slick, so you have the best chance of making the right call, but God knows it's a tough one and every parent would wish you well in dealing with the situation. MItch
You need to get the assessment sorted and maybe a statement of special educational needs, for his protection so that he gets the help he needs. From what we (my other half and I) have read Somerset is very good for SEN. If he is on the Spectrum then it is possible the outbursts are avoidance behaviour, it may be due to the communicative difficulties associated with ASD but that'll depend on where he is on the spectrum. IMO you can't treat these things as you would do with a neuro typical child, information is ammunition and trying to deal with the issues in a typical manner can potentially make things far worse. You might want to look up Tony Attwood's work starting with The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. There's also a chap called Peter Parkhouse who is down your way, IIRC he is a Clinical Psychologist, he was recommended to us by the National Autistic Society.
I feel for you, Rob. It's tough being a parent. I can't say much other than I hope you can sort this out.
Considering that such outburst can be due to everything from anxiety to avoidance behaviour and misinterpretation of situations or intentions then I'd stay well clear of this.
Some resources http://www.autism.org.uk/ http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/ You can find all the following on iTunes: http://autism.yale.edu/
I think suggesting autism is somewhat jumping the gun. I would look to the environment he operates in before you look to the medical profession. As others have said, kids are rubbish at expressing anger or frustration appropriately, so wait until you get a calm spell and try and talk through with him what exactly is making him frustrated. Whether there's anything bothering him that you should know about etc. Wait until he's in sweet and co-operative mode and ask him if he's noticed that he gets very angry sometimes and whether he'd like to talk to you about why that is. This might sound a bit hippy, but it's a good start. Just out of interest, how do you and his mum currently respond when he has "the screaming abdabs"? How do you deal with it?
Moosey, Obviously you're the professional so I'm not arguing but the school have mentioned the assessment and there's been contact with the SENCO so there must be potential there for them thinking he needs assistance. I'm making the assumption that there are other things that have been noticed by the school. I'm just curious as to why you think there should be some hesitance for pursuing this line of thought.
Just a quick thanks for the replies folks. Will reply properly tomorrow if thats ok, im drained from earlier. Nite all Rob
Wow, having Aspergers (and three different types of dyslexia) myself If I had tried anyone of those things my father would of opened up a can of whoop ass. Old school style. Discipline always works when applied correctly. Can I ask where his real biological father fits in the picture (is he actually doing anything or is he all talk and no action)? Have you been to a clinical psychiatrist to have your step-son diagnosed? How is he doing in school? http://www.wrongplanet.net/
Not if said individual can not interpret what's going on and why. ASD/ASC is a spectrum and by definition what works for one might not be appropriate for another. Yes there are commonalities but each individual can present different difficulties so a blanket approach is not the best thing, imo. You may have one who can articulate why they are doing what they are and manage and understand their behaviour however for some such outburst might be the only way the can communicate their frustration or highlight something. It's not "naughty behaviour" it's a "social disability", and no I'm not say kids on the spectrum aren't naughty at times.
Trust me, there is a clear difference between 'naughty behavior' and 'social awkwardness' even with those with Aspergers and Autism. We are more than capable of knowing when we are doing something wrong. Aspergers should not be used as an excuse for getting away with bad behavior. Kids with Aspergers need to be taught the consequences of wrong doing, the earlier the better. Here's how my parents handled discipline; 1. My parents would ask me to stop, usually at this stage an explanation would be given to why I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. 2. If I didn't listen, my parents would warn me of the consequences. 3. If I still didn't listen, my parents would spank me on the bottom and send me to my room. 4. I would be left to reflect on my behavior, my parents would let me come out once I was ready to apologize. 5. I would apologize, explain why I did what I did, my parents would forgive me and explain calmly what I did wrong and why it was wrong, and taught me what I should do in the future If I wanted attention or If I wanted something etc. 6. I learnt why my behavior was wrong, and what the consequences of my actions were. Overtime I learnt to think and reflect about how my behavior could hurt others and I started taking people's feelings and emotions into consideration. I'm not saying that the above will work for everyone, but this is what worked for me and my siblings. Ultimately you should follow the advice of a specialist, and discipline (such as spanking) should be reserved as a last option resort if all else fails. Its best to explain why something is wrong first and then give the individual with Aspergers space to reflect on it and figure it out.
With Moosey. Yes, it MIGHT, note the word MIGHT, be autism. Or it could be simply that he has yet to learn that his behaviour can have consequences.
