Should I find a different instructor?

Discussion in 'General Martial Arts Discussion' started by KaienSekai, May 9, 2017.

  1. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    I would not bring up or ask permission to train in other places. If things are as you present them, he won't take it well. (And by that I mean we are only hearing one side of the issue, not that I am doubting you overall.)

    Look for other places to train, but don't burn your bridges. You may search and find you want to stay there. Or you may want to come back. Leave your options open.

    This isn't a job for most of us. It is a way to have fun and enrich your life. If an instructor isn't seeing that, I see that as an issue.

    Now that said, be sure to look at what he said without a defensive attitude. I am not saying you did have that, but I am suggesting you look honestly at yourself and make sure that isn't what is happening here.

    In particular, I am curious if your instructor really literally said to you "too bad?" Or is that your interpretation of what you think his attitude was?

    I say this because I have seen instructors try to guide people to not making excuses in their training and get really defensive without hearing what the instructor is really saying. (For example: fellow students saying they can't afford tournaments, but spout expensive new tattoo work or come in drinking Starbuck's all the time. Or talk about new fancy this or that they just bought. they COULD afford tournament, but chose other things instead. They just need to be honest that MA isn't a high priority.)

    What I mean is, your priorities of finances and relationships is good. But maybe your instructor is asking if you could give up TV, or some other hobby, or something along those lines?

    Maybe you can't, and maybe your instructor is being not cool. It sure sounds like that, but I am saying just reexamine what he is asking with an open mind. Could he be asking things like I said above?

    I don't know the answer, but I am just trying to look at it from all sides and possibilities.

    If the answer is no, there really isn't any extra time or things you can give up, yeah- certainly he is being unfair and you should take a look elsewhere.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2017
  2. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    A persons tone or how they put something should be on them. I told my instructor that I actually would try to compete. Which I guess you were right is because I have a guilty consciousness. Tell me Latikos do you have a significant other that you hardly ever see due to working two different schedules. And if you do wouldn't they be more important to you than martial arts?
     
  3. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    I had texted this all to him. So yeah he did text me too bad. And I really do feel like a slave sometimes that he just sees me as a sign for profit. Since he really doesn't seem as into his job as you think a teacher would. I did tell him about a friend of mine in a studio in part of our alliance/federation that wants me to go train with him and he actually seemed happy about it. Saying it would be good for me to train with him since we are at the same level and I offer feel my friend is at a much higher level than I am.
     
  4. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Well, if he actually texted you that, I would definitely find another school.
     
  5. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    Yeah that's what I figured. Honestly sometimes it feels like all he cares about is that check every month. So I think I am going to look for other schools but try to maintain a strong relationship. So I guess a follow up question would I still be calling him my original instructor if people ask where I first started training?
     
  6. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Why wouldn't you? That fact does not change if you start to train elsewhere in the future.
     
  7. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    Yeah I plan to still call him but I have seen some people get really mad at their original instructors and never admit that's where they started but I have a decent relationship with my current instructor
     
  8. Dead_pool

    Dead_pool Spes mea in nihil Deus MAP 2017 Moi Award

    Its never a good idea to lie about facts, if he is/was your first, then he is/was your first, there no need to lie about it.
     
  9. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    I find your statements contradictory. You have a decent relationship with someone who makes you feel like a slave? :eek:

    Other people lying about their training is no reason for you to start to. Lying about your training is dishonorable IMO.
     
  10. Tom bayley

    Tom bayley Valued Member

    As an instructor I encourage all of my students of intermediate level and above to go out and train in other styles.

    It is bad to train in a bubble. Encouraging students to go out and try other stuff and then com back and ask questions "how would we deal with this application/attack", helps to keep training alive and responsive.
     
  11. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    No I have no problem with saying his my first instructor. I'm part of a Facebook group where people say they never talk about their original instructors because of terrible things their instructors have done. And yeah it is contradictory I feel like he doesn't realize how he makes me feel so it might not mean it that way. But I really do train everyday when I can't make to classes so I stay in shape and don't fall behind.

    Tom that could explain why he seemed happy that I wanted to branch out into other students.
     
  12. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    Well, it would have helped if you would have answered to questions as well.
    But MA became very important to me, for various reasons, and therefore: Yes, if I were to have someone, this person would have to accept, that I go and train anyway.
    Maybe not every day like I do now, but several times a week.


    Aside from the fact, that I would have talked to him in person, I still don't understand why "too bad" is a bad answer.
    He apparently didn't write that he won't accept it, he didn't write that in that case you don't have to show up again, he didn't call you names.
    What did you expect, what he would answer? That he keeps trying talking you into it? Personally I think that would have been worse.

    I mean: If you don't like it there in the end, you should quit.
    You are supposed to enjoy training, and if that's not the case, there is no reason to stay there.
    If you want to spent more time with your fiance the same: To it and enjoy it.
    If that's more important to you, there is no reason not to do that.
    In the contrary: It would be rather... uhm... well, it would be missing some thoughts, if you were to go train (or whatever else) if you were to prefer to do the other.

    In the end the only question is: Is training good for you and do you enjoy it enough? Does it make you happy?
    Or does your fiance makes you more happy?
    As you say it's the latter, so problem solved, so to speak.

    Regarding training at other places: All my teachers enourage me to train at other places.
    They see it at something necessary, if you want to get better.


    It's absolutely disrespectful not to that anymore.
    You don't have to like him anymore, but denying your origin is plain disrespectful; towards your instructor just as to yourself.

    Lying about it makes it even worse.

    But okay, I don't have much respect towards liars at all, so maybe my view is exreme there.


    I guess you meant to write "... so he might...", right?
    Just to make sure, I understand that sentence correctly.

    If you meant it like that: That's something you would only find out, if you actually talk to him.

    Why not asking for some minutes of his time, before or after training for example, and actually talk things through with him?

    I say that, because persoanlly I'm often having real problems to understand people properly. I have a very precise sense when they're moods chance, for example, but I usually misinterpret what it means.

    Maybe it's similar for the both of you.
    Not saying that either one don't recognizes certain feelings or whatever, like I don't, but maybe you react to some things too sensitive or he is being too blunt, which makes you feel bad, but actually doesn't mean it that way, and chose his wording poorly.

    But to figure out, if that might be the case, you would need to talk to him.
    And I mean "talk" and not "text"; I prefer writing over talking, but chances are written messages might seem different, as they were meant - which you probably would notice right away, if you were to talk to him in person.

    After all - if you realize he really does see you as walking money, you can still move on.
    It's not like he could stop you.
     
  13. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    Geez I really didn't expect you to respond to all of that. As an English teacher we often teach people to read messages or things in a certain tone. Which is why I feel such a negative tone from texting him. And if I didn't have a horrible self conscious and didn't care what my instructor had to say. As for my financee vs martial arts she's actually given me a purpose to keep living otherwise who knows where I would be right now. Though I won't say martial arts hasn't given me anything it's taught that I love working with children and what not to do as a teacher. But my fiancé completely understands that I love training she's the one who actually made me even consider doing martial arts. I love training but just don't enjoy where I'm doing it but it's more that I have on and off days when I go to studio compared to when I do it on my own which always makes me happier.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  14. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    1. It's a discussion forum. So yes, I tend to answer to questions.
    2. I asked a question.
    3. What's your problem? I said from the beginning, when your soon to be wife is more important, that's fine!
    Why wine about it, as if said otherwise or forbid you.
    4. I keep that blanc, for not to get a warning. And yes, I will get one anyway.
     
  15. KaienSekai

    KaienSekai Valued Member

    1. I was impressed by your long response since it gave me further insight on the thought process of someone similar to my instructor. It just came out wrong lol.
    2. I really do like it there but just some days I feel really feel burnt out which is why I also need the break so then I'll be fully recharged when I come back.
    3. I just took it the wrong way how you were talking about my fiancée and martial arts.
     
  16. morlock

    morlock New Member

    The ONLY question? These are three questions! :evil:

    1) The more I train, the more I realize this is what counts above all. As we get older, (I'm not *that* old, but getting to 40) we get more responsibilities, loved ones and family to care about. Free time becomes a rarity, so it is especially important to enjoy what we do with it.

    2) As to reading text with tone, that is probably a bad habit on forums. One exercise I do whenever I read something that sounds harsh or insulting is to imagine the person saying the words but with a genuine friendly tone and good intentions. Quite often, I find out that this is just as likely what the person intended.

    3) (I'll stop after this, because I'm drifting a bit here) Whenever I have the feeling that something isn't quite right, with my actions, people around me or a situation, I always use the immense knowledge of Robert De Niro in Ronin (half sarcastic, but I really do love that quote): When there's a doubt, there's no doubt. If you feel something is off, something IS off. If it doesn't suit you, find somewhere else where you feel comfortable.

    Take care
     
  17. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    First off: I apologize.
    I'm really short-fused lately (I at least know the reason, and might be able to change it again) and I might have aimed it at the wrong one.
    So: I really do apologize and mean it.

    I obviously don't know your instructor, so you might be right, that he sees you a walking Dollar note (or whatever currency ;) ). If that were the case, I would not only walk but run away, personally.
    But being someone who prefers "talking" via WA I also know the risks of texting: I got into a little fight with one of teachers a short while ago, due to something he had written.
    I understood it the wrong way, a third understood it the same way, but he meant it totally differently - which was something we could only work out, by actually *talking* (and believe me, I'm bad at this :eek: :D ).
    And he really was baffled and not just pretending to; I know that, because he's very blunt and would he have meant it the way I understood it, he would have said it to my face easily again.

    The second point: I'd explain that to my teachers, and when they were to have a problem with it, it would be *their* problem.
    Depending on the way they react, I would also switch clubs, but try it in a good way (as aaradia mentioned above as well).
    I left a HKD-club a while back for various reasons, but I still visit the main instructor after training all now and then, and he is just glad that I found places where I'm happy at and that I stayed with MA in general; he doesn't care, that it's not with them anymore.
    I'd hope for seperations like that for most people.

    I actually didn't talk about your fianceé (I wrote it wrong before all the time) as a person at all. Or didn't mean to.
    If you choose her about your MA that's totally fine with me. Why wouldn't it?
    That's what I meant, when I wrote that priorities are different for everyone.

    Personally I only started a few years back, but took a lot out of MAs and my teachers that has *nothing* to do with MA at all.
    So for me, that's extremly important, because it made me able to at times talk to people.
    Therefore a potential partner of mine(!) would have to accept, that I keep going there; otherwise I'd probably change anyway, which would lead to seperate ways anyway, so... ;)

    But I also know people who put their partners first and let's be honest, I think that's the majority.
    And that's probably a good thing.


    PS.: I'm not a grammar nazi.
    When I talk about language barriers I mean that, and I still don't understand why "too bad" is a bad or mean or whatever answer.
    English isn't my first language (as you can probably tell by *my* grammar :p ), so maybe that is the problem, but I don't get why it's a bad answer.

    - A teacher of mine, an instructor I allowed to be assisting coach for and I were to go out eating tonight.
    Now they were gone Wednesday already and doubt they'd go again today.
    Too bad.
    - Someone I wanted to meet had to say he can't make it.
    Too bad.
    - I might not take my next grading in six weeks but next year.
    Too bad. (Especially because there are two instructors I don't even learn at, that want to see me grade :D )

    So... yeah... I don't get it :eek:
     
  18. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    :p


    Well, I don't really have friends and my family doesn't really care about each other (except my Mom and I), so I don't have that problem ;)

    I try to keep that in mind.
    Unfortunalty I'm not the kind of person, who would necessarily understand it in another tone :rolleyes:

    Personally I would have screwed up a lot of things, if I were doing it like that (not a good people person), therefore I learned to try talking things through first.
    And having a cooldown-phase included.

    After that I can still decide to leave or whatever, depending on the situation.
     
  19. aaradia

    aaradia Choy Li Fut and Yang Tai Chi Chuan Student Moderator Supporter

    Latikos, I think you are missing the nuances of how "too bad" is usually used in English. It is a very dismissive phrase. It suggests that one does not care about whatever someone was saying to you.

    A response of saying "too bad" to what someone says basically says that whatever you said to them means nothing at all. And isn't worthy of consideration.

    It is basically another way of saying "I don't care about what you just said."

    People want their concerns to be heard and thought about, even if the answer isn't what they want.
     
  20. Latikos

    Latikos Valued Member

    That's why I kept asking and talking about language barriers.
    Not because I like to be the dumb one ;)

    So it's comparable if he were to shrug, going "whatever"?
     

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