For AnnaV, The COOLEST non-meat eater EVER.... My daughter is in the middle of her monthly friend and, as with every month, is currently certifiably insane. Its like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde only with 3 tons of hair product and body image issues. I digress. So last night for some strange reason I began to think of the first time my ex-wife ever sent me to the store to get her “feminine products”. I tried to explain to her that she’d probably have more luck if she sent the DOG to do it but no dice. She just got ****y and stomped off muttering something under her breath that sounded an awful lot like plans for my untimely demise. As she walked away I held my ground man. I said “Men don’t DO that! Cant you just use some cotton balls or something?” I learned something very important about women that day. No matter how small they are, no matter how petite or demure… you get them angry enough and they can hit like Tyson. Not the today Tyson who’s kinda fat and sloppy looking. I’m talking the BEFORE Tyson. The “I’ll bite your ear off” Tyson. So I’m at the store rubbing my shoulder and hoping I’ll be able to move my arm again by morning when I turn the corner into the “feminine hygiene" isle. It was then when it hit me. I had NO IDEA what I was supposed to buy. I knew I was supposed to buy tampons…. at least thats what I thought but that was it. I was overwhelmed and I did what any man in that situation would do. I grabbed the one on sale. Then raced over to the liquor isle and grabbed a bottle of vodka. I get to the register and the kid behind the counter looks at me, looks at the stuff I’m buying and goes “Ooohhh man.” I felt like grabbing him by the face and saying “look ya puissant. I have a raving lunatic at home that wants to stab me in the eye with a pencil. I do NOT need crap from some 8-buck an hour makin jerk off who still lives with his mother.” Instead I just paid for my stuff and slunk out to the car in shame. I get home and, with pride in my eyes and a triumphant feeling in my heart, I present my purchase to my then-wife. Now, remember when you were a kid in school and you did something wrong? And the teacher would call your name in the tone and you just KNEW you were in trouble? Yeah, well my wife takes one look at what I bought and shoots me this look that literally made me want to throw something shiny to distract her and then make a break for my car. Instead I stood my ground. Never do that. I said “What? I got the one on sale! Isnt that what you always tell me to do?” I didn’t sleep that night. I was afraid that if I fell asleep I might wake up to a pillow being pressed down into my face while my ears are being accosted by high pitched screams of “SALE?!?! You bought the one on SALE?!?!?” But I got to thinking about it. It wasn’t my fault I was so ill-prepared for the tampon run. No one teaches guys that stuff in school. Its not like they pull you aside in wood shop and have a tampon class or anything. “Well Johnny you got an A+ on your bird house project but you got a D on your tampon selection project. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give a C+ for the semester. Never use cheap materials, son.” I mean what would have happened if I had come in to the kitchen one day and said “Hey honey, I need you to run down to Sears and get me a 7/16th open ended wrench – STAT!” She’d do the same damn thing I did. She’d buy the one on sale or the one that looked shiniest. She wouldn’t know to go out and grab a craftsmen signature series. So she’d come home and I’d be like “You bought THAT kind?? REALLY?!?! HOW COULD YOU?” and she’d get all flustered “But there were so many kinds I didn’t know which one to get. I just wanted to make you happy….” And then she’d do what no guy can do. She’d start the tears. And she’d sob and cry and carry on about how she didn’t know and she tried and we’d forgive her cause we’re SAPS!! I was afraid for my LIFE because I didn’t buy the right cotton thingy in a tube. She could burn the friggin house down with my porn collection in it, hit the water works and somehow, against all logic I’d probably be saying “its ok, you didn’t know….” They should have a stat sheet like they do in sports where it has her brand of tampon, her favorite color, birthday…. All the stuff guys are too busy to remember. That way if you need to run out and buy a last minute anniversary present you could at least get the color right. At least we’d have a fighting chance man. I just hope I can make it through the next few days without my daughter harming me. We were going to bed last night and my wife says “why don’t you go check on Lexi” I said “I’m not goin in there. Last time I went in there she was sitting on the bed screaming “GEEEETTTT OUUUUTTTTT and then her head twisted clean around. No way I'm goin in there. I dont wanna die...” She says “Oh stop being such a baby and go check on her.” I said “Come with me…. I’m frightened. She might hit me with a dresser. In fact, why don’t YOU go and I’ll stay here dialing the Vatican incase we need an exorcist.” Three more days. Maybe if I sneak out real quite like tonight I can be long gone before anyone notices?
It may behove you to plan a trip, a week long trip, once a month. No particular reason for it, just to get you out of the house, maybe out of the country even.
Pfft forget that noise, just for you brother I have a spare bed! And a wife that cooks. And the base gym is pretty equipped. You're good to go!
Lol...at least your daughter didn't pound in a computer screen with her fist during her time of month.. Yeah. I've done that.
LOL, well if we keep you working out like you've been I have a feeling she's gonna need a new nickname for ya!
LOL @ lil mikey... I was that my whole life until I hit 220 pounds... we gotta come up with something thats all you man.... something that sings ... something like ... BigAndy Sexypants! Yeah, THATS IT!
Ha, I dunno the big deal. I've bought tampons, nail polish, condoms, plan B, birth control pills, whatever. Don't see it any different as buying toilet paper honestly. BTW I'm a str8, non-cross dressing, dude.
Umm Mikey, I have to ask what's your problem? To be honest your post stinks of sexist attitudes. If all you say to someone to go down to the hardware store is “Hey honey, I need you to run down to Sears and get me a 7/16th open ended wrench – STAT!” then you deserve to get the one of sale. Unless, your honey knew the need of more information before she left for the store (if she did at all after that line) then it's up to you to give the appropriate information. If you don't give the information then why the hell would you expect any particular quality of wrench at all? I used to work at a huge hardware store, and at most there was only 3 different types of 7/16 open ended wrenches available. This is in contrast to the dozens of varieties of tampons available at your average supermarket or grocery store. And yes, you would have walked down that toiletry isle many times to know this. So you would also know the chances of you getting it wrong are much higher. The same and not the same with the tampons. Geez, you knew you weren't sure which ones to get before you left home. Despite this, it appears you didn't bother ask for specific information. Instead you basically whinged, 'oh it's not a mans job to do this'. In short you didn't even bother to try and get the right one, but now you think it's your right to complain about the reaction. It's not that hard to ask your wife (ex or otherwise) for the empty box on tampons to use as a guide to purchase the correct ones. Think about it some more. It was your fault. Communication is the key. If you had asked for more specific info on the tampon and she continued to yell at you about a different topic, then you would be blameless. But alas, you knew you were very likely to make the wrong choice before you left the house and yet did nothing about it. Suck it up.
