So you all though that Chuck Noris was just some guy that Bruce Lee beat up, and a star of numerous crap spec ops films and tv series... think again.. 30 things you did not know about Chuck... Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a frigin Indian. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't mess with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He has not grown since. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
No matter how many times you read them they are still very funny. Justa small correction though , the above fact though 100% true is slightly misquoted. The part where he says "Don't mess with Chuck!" ? instead of mess the word ACTUALLY rhymed with Chuck ..hence the irony
I have to send this one to my friend at NASA, he will like it Though on a related note, the US State Dept. was once fined $400 by the town of Esperance, Australia for littering when the space station Skylab came down over the Indian Ocean and parts of Australia. To date, the U.S. still has not paid the fine
HaHa! great Here iI'll add some more -One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. -Chuck Norris can satisfy a whale. -Mortal Kombat fatalities were based off of Chuck Norris moves. -The world was flat until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it, which made it curl up into a ball. -All Delta Force movies are infact chuck Norris' real life home videos. -When Niel Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, One giant leap for man kind" on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned. -The only cure for AIDS is a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris once crushed a school bus full of children with his forhead. -Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angle gets its wings, But Chuck Norris hates angels, So evertime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris once got in a serious fight with his Jeet Kune Do master, Bruce Lee. Just when things were looking bad for him, he used his Super-Aqua powers to call uponthe mighty moray eel. Bruce was so confused he just left. -Chuck Norris started the I Love Chuck Norris Facebook Group, he then tracked down everone who joined it and procceeded to roundhouse kick them into oblivion for being tools of the media. -Chuck Norris slaps Vin Diesel whenever he feels like it. -Chuck Norris has the ability to roundhouse kick straight down repeatedly kicking the air molecules below him at such an extreme rate that theoretically he could escape the gravitational pull of the earth. Unfortunately Chuck Norrris's beard is comparable in mass to Saturn and as a result the Earth will be pulled wherever he goes. -Chuck Norris doesn't need to use e-mail or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain. -Chuck Norris becomes infuriated when he sees men cry or frown. Recently, he has been spotted at funerals, roundhousing grieving men in the face until their mouth is fixed in a cold, emotionless position. Chuck Norris is a real man, and real men do not react to life.
oh my, i just choked on some bread. i think you're going to kill all the members of MAP if you keep this up!
Chuck Norris set out to make a truly mean salsa. His success is the reason why you were bullied in high school. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless, Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of a rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost. Chuck Norris does not buy beef in the store. Instead, he goes into a pasture and starts eating a cow alive while it's grazing. The Sun was actually the explosion resulting from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God after he was told, "Thou shalt not kill!" Chuck Norris invented videogame violence for the sole purpose of ****ing off Democrats. In the 14th Century Chuck Norris got so mad he roundhouse kicked a third of Europe's population to death. He then forced the rest to blame it on rats or be kicked as well. This is now known as the Black Plague. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse he will yank out a baby and throw it at you. The baby will explode upon impact. Chuck Norris woke up one night in a fit of hunger. There was no food in the house, so he went to his neighbor's house, kidnapped their child, and ate her whole. The very first CSI was going to be titled, "CSI: Chuck Norris", but there was no crime scenes or investigating. Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being awesome. So they renamed the show Walker Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris escaped his Mother's womb by roundhouse kicking his way out. Shortly after he grew a manly beard. Chuck Norris was once diagnosed with Cancer. He shook it off in a five minute work-out on the Total Gym. There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Those are the best ones out of all of them. You forgot my favorite though. Chuck norris once went to mcdonalds to get an egg mcmuffin and when they told him that they dont serve breakfast after 10:30 he round house kicked the mcdonalds so hard it turned in to a wendys.
Most of these have probably been mentioned, but maybe there are a couple new ones that haven't. Very funny indeed!
