Self defense against celebrities

I am curious to know what someone would do as far as defending yourself from someone who is an actor and is on some serious mind atlering drugs, who decides to attack you or provoke you likewise...

I guess my question is, can kung fu help you deal with someone who intends to kill you, yet can use his job as an excuse to say he was just acting? Or is it better to escape such an assailant and let the ring settle differences?

 

since I would not know any celebrites, if I saw them on the streets, I would fight them as anyone else, or move away liek with everyone else lol
and the judge, he just needs to ask me about celebs and would soon figure, that I have no clue.. and since I do not know about them being actors, I cannot be blamed for their acting being so convincing, that I believed them

 

Is this a hypothetical question?

 

better not fight someone rich like celebrities cos they will lawyer up, and you will lose by running out of money.

then again if they hit you first then you are looking very promising for $$$.
So, if they threw a pussy punch first you quickly step in to take a hit.

and being dramatic can be useful.

 

Indeed! Also try to set it up; have a friend with a camera ready to take a picture at the right moment.

Then, sell the photo to the papers; you'll make much more money than whatever you'll have to pay the celebrity's press agent to drop the charges.

And don't bother with Russel Crowe; it's not like it's special anymore to fight him. ;D

 

you get to fight his female bodyguard, wow sign me up right now!

 

The next time a celebrity physically assaults me I'll let you know how it turns out. Hopefully it'll be a hot young starlet.

 

jessica biel can beat me up anyday or sarah micheller gellar.

 

The most profound post yet seen on MAP. It cuts through the crap to the quintessence of what we do. My eyes have been opened, Lord; I am a changed man.

 

How about saying something like "Could you answer a few questions for me?".

 

I really wouldn't worry about it, as if you were ever targetted by a celebrity with killing intent I am certain that you would die.
You would definately miss the killing stroke through having a confused mind overflowing with weird, irrelevent stuff.

So it would be of absolutely no interest to you whatsoever that following your demise that any court on this planet would most certainly thank the celebrity for performing such a shining act of community minded alruistic behaviour when they performed the mercy killing. They would probably get a medal.

AAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Like, last night, in a dream, I was attacked by Steve Guttenberg. He totally came at me with a baseball bat. I was all like "This has to be a dream. You're dead". But he was all like "No! I'm not dead!". But then I was all like "You have to be dead! You haven't been in anything since Police Academy!". But he was like "I have too!". Then I was like "Well, your career must be dead" and he said "AAARRRGGGHHH". Then I plastered him with a bengquan and as he gasped for breath he left me with this warning...

"I will be back."

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000430/

Spooky.

 

Some celebraties would be al ot harder than others.

I think I could handle Sooty, but Emu would be tough. He made mincemeat of Parky. Mind you, he was much younger then.

 

If I was attacked by a celebrity, I would just hammer my face into their hands and feet, and then sue the living dogpile out of them.

 

Sooty? You don't mean this Sooty do you? http://humour.200ok.com.au/go_sooty.html

Because if so, I think you're full of it.

 

I've seen Moira Stewart in Sainsbury's. Next time I do, I'm going to go into a low fighting stance, just to see how she deals with that. Hopefully she'll back off and not do anything to escalate the situation.

Watch this space...

 

Questions & possibilities

Thanks for replying,

about Onyomi's comment: I guess I was not refferring to a "female starlet" being the assailant... because I would not attack them etc,.... though it would be fun to train with them or practice.

Whether or not this person is dangerous (as an actor) I will leave in the air for now... though he definitely had taken ahold of my hatchet while I was gone for morning coffee. When I returned, I noticed he had broken into my house, taken my igloo cooler & had begun to eat my food while also wearing my only jacket.

I asked him why he had done that without asking me, & he just seemed to be perturbed by the mere mention of any harm done. He said "I did not do it." and that was all. Then I left to question one of the neighbors about wether they had noticed anybody in the area. They where gone. Then it finally hit me, that this person was the one who did it.

When I returned to the camp, I told him "it's O.K. I forgive you for doing it, just don't lie to me again." Then I noticed he had the hatchet sitting in front of him on the ground. I asked him to hand it to me. He said no.

After a long moment (it seemed) I asked him about the fire which had not been lit because the paper was on top of the logs. He said "let it burn like that" & I said "No, you cannot light the fire that way it will not work...."

At that point the argument went from sitting to standing as he picked up the hatchet & begun to approach me with it in his hand. To say the least I was quite vexed by this behavior which had suddenly changed from friendly into psychopathic. I asked him to put down the hatchet, & he continued his approach with a bad look in his face.... I came to one conclusion.

Either this person was full of crap or he was definitely going to do me in. I ran up the hill and grabbed a large rock as well as my kahli pipe. He did not listen to me whatsoever as I was trying to negotiate the situation. He got near the entrance & I raised my arm holding the rock. I asked him to put the hatchet down & I would place my weapons also on the ground. He refused. The situation went back and forth, yet neither of us seemed willing to swing. Finally, he answered with reason & agreed to leave my yard.

His action told a different story though, as he would not put down the axe, or leave the area. I was beginning to realize this person (even though they are proffessional actor) felt no responsibility at all for his actions. He told me, " I will kill you and take your stuff."

I followed at a safe distance back down the hill and kept a cautious eye as I went quickley into my house to retrieve my kwan. When I came out, he was by the fire using my hatchet to chop up my pallet. I asked why he was doing this & he replied about the IRS & SSI. I offered in a suggestive sort of way that we go up into the clearing on the hill and settle it out with wooden sticks... that way no one would get hurt.

He began at that point to appear frustrated, yet his facial expression was very fake. I could not understand why he could not keep eye contact, as I was standing still. He began to chop down one of the trees in my yard, as if to say 'not even this tree can keep me from hurting you.' I held my ground.

I knew in my mind I could de-fang him in an assault easilly.... yet, I was worried about his ability to thow the weapon where-by leaving alot of possibility at risk.

He climbed further down the hill after realizing I was not going to move. I followed over to the edge and looked down at him. I told him to leave, then he got up off the log he was sitting on and began approaching with the axe again. I told him to throw it in the water, yet it only angered him more. I then pulled out the rock again & swore I would bash his head in if he did not throw it away.

He then began scrambling frantically up the hill trying to get in range to throw the hatchet. I realized at that moment, I did not want to do what easilly I could have.... so I ran and phoned the police.

When I got back from there with them, he was down by the water again.... only this time without the hatchet. The police were sceptical at first as to who had threatened who.

After questioning him they asked him to come up the hill & he jumped into the water and began swimming. The water was cold so I guess he lost interest in that, though he was freezing on the log. The cops threw a homemade life-saver line out into the water & he climbed back up the hill.

Crisis averted they left & I was there thinking.... How could I have delt with that situation using a self defense tactic when the risk of death was so prevelant on either side?

 

Question
"Can you defend yourself against an Actor"

Answer
"Yes"

 

What...What the hell are you saying? I...I'm so confused. What the Jesus are you talking about? Are you completely insane? Did any of this happen? Or was it a schizophrenic delusion? Are you sure?

 

Man, this is trippy, cause I had this problem the other week.

I was at the Australian Dance Awards, just sitting there enjoying the show, and that dude who played Jenga Fett was presenting and award. The whole time he's up there he's giving me that look, you know, the one that says 'If you keep looking at me I'm gunna pound you down'. What else could I do, I had to defend myself, so I jumped on stage and beat him with that metal ruler they call an award.

So I'd beat him down, no worries. Then that broad, you know the one, tall blond chick who played the Austrian girl in the Mel Brooks show 'The Producers', she came out swinging TWO katana's. I don't even know where the hell she got them. So I'm ducking and weaving, doing a few flips trying to get close enough to strike her but she was too damn quick. So I boot that trendy MC who plays the piano off the stage and pick up the baby grand, dumped it righ on her head I did.

So yeah, if you have to defend yourself against a celeb you'd better go all out as they can pull tricks and weapons from nowhere.