A Rant regarding Gym People

Discussion in 'Health and Fitness' started by Colucci, Mar 16, 2005.

  1. Colucci

    Colucci My buddies call me Chris.

    Walk into any commercial gym in the country and you’ll realize how similar it is to a zoo, literally. People can be such creatures of habit, that it’s fairly easy to corral them into one of several pens; Puffy Almost-Bodybuilder Guy, Tiny Pink Toning Lady, Kinda-Strong-Attention-Getter Guy, Pretty-Pretty-Makeup Girl, Impressionable Youth, and Sort-Of Successful Smart Guy. Keep in mind, there are some variations of these types, but it’s safe to say that everyone in your gym is really one of these by nature. Important note – The terms “guy” and “girl/lady” are not gender-specific. There have been reports of Sort-Of-Successful Smart Girls, and Pretty-Pretty-Makeup Guys.

    Puffy Almost-Bodybuilder Guy: Right now, he’s either “bulking up” or “cutting up”. Funny thing is, every time he mentions it (because you certainly don’t ask), it’s always the same goal. You’ll notice that they’re never far from the most recent “Super Muscle Info” magazine where they found this month’s article “written” by Mr. Waaaay 2 Big. P.A.B. guy can always be recognized by his attire. The last time he wore a shirt that didn’t have the sleeves and/or neckline cut off, it was snowing in Ecuador.

    Tiny Pink Toning Lady: Some clarifications; First, this group is not necessarily “tiny”. No offense intended, but it has been observed that women in this category are often (though not always) of a “pear”-shape, if you give merit to those fruity body-typers. Second, to be fair, the weights used are not always pink. They could be sky blue, lavender, or tangerine. (Ooh, more fruit!) Last point, I have written numerous letters to Mr. Merriam and Mr. Webster, asking that the word “tone” be stricken from recorded vocabulary. It is consistently misinterpreted, misused, and worse, rooted in false hope. As of yet, I have received no response on that issue. When a woman says “I just want to tone up.” Don’t they mean “I want my arms to jiggle less, and I want legs that can run a 9-minute mile, come home, and make that little black dress look juuuust right.” Well then, that means strength (stronger muscles) and definition (less bodyfat). Color-coordinated weights are the least productive route towards those goals. Ladies, please believe the Fitness Professional when I say that lifting heavy weights will not turn you into She-Hulk. She-Hulk didn’t even turn into She-Hulk because of strength training. It took Gamma Radiation. And that’s just about what it’ll take for you to “get too big.”

    Kinda-Strong-Attention-Getter Guy: Always the easiest to notice in the gym, you can hear their unique mating call from the parking lot. “GRRRARRR!!” “Yeah, baby, yeah! Put it up! Move it! Awesome dude! Woooo Haaaa! You rule!” It’s because of this behavior that K.S.A.G. is equally feared and hated. They leave benches damp with sweat and saliva, they don’t rack their weights…ever, and they radiate an aura of semi-justifiable arrogance and a desperate need for the approval of others. This is why they travel in small herds. Should you ever make eye contact, you can almost read their lips as they say to themselves “I’m stronger than you, I can prove it, wanna see? Wanna see?” Don’t feel deflated though. This is the same poor fellow who, at the delicate age of twenty-something, complains of lousy rotator cuffs and worse knees. No doubt, those were bodyparts offered as sacrifice at the altar of Lord Liftalottaweight, the Prince of Poor Technique.

    Pretty-Pretty-Makeup Girl: There is no subtle way around this. The P.P.M. girl is the gym’s resident hot chick. My truest apologies, as I’m not trying to be sexist (remember, the P.P.M. guy is the gym’s in-house studmuffin). This type can be found on any cardio machine which requires one to stand. One cannot properly display oneself while seated. The treadmill, stepper, and elliptical machines are all considered home. After putting in their 90 minutes (taking care not to get too sweaty or, heaven forbid, frizzy-haired), they venture to the weight room to stretch out, which may account for some of K.S.A.G. guy’s injuries. Distracted spotters tend to drop things. After the stretching, a trip to the locker room is in order, from which they return with a bouncy ponytail, smelling just faintly of a perfume you should have bought for your girlfriend, and, I could swear, a fresh coat of nail polish. Any real exercises done will consist of work on “the tummy, thighs, and maybe something for beach arms.” I have yet to figure out why P.P.M. girls will always do stiff-legged deadlifts with their back to the rest of the room. Just another mystery of the universe.

    Impressionable Youth: While it’s good to work out at any age, the earlier you start, the better. Actually, the best idea would be to find an intelligent, well-planned exercises program which involves strength training by the mid-teens. That’s not what the Impressionable Youth is about. They read “Super Muscle Info” magazine, or they wander the internet, or they may just do whatever their older brother/cousin/uncle/misinformed high school coach tells them is “a great workout”. These kids are some motivated, they’ll do whatever they’re told, like good little soldiers. Theirs is not to question why, theirs is but to lift and die. We just need to use this power for good, not evil. At this point in their fitness lives, they are a block of marble, ready to be sculpted into their ideal bodies. The problem is that they’ll let anyone with more experience than them (read – any body) smack them around with a hammer and chisel. The I.Y. is forever on the edge of becoming a F.A.B. guy junior, or a little miss P.P.M. girl. We can only hope that the next time I.Y. goes to the gym, he meets…

    Sort-Of-Successful Smart Guy: He’s not the biggest guy around. He won’t lift the most impressive weights. He may not even have the best hairstyle (for shame!). But he’s got brains, and he knows how to use them. S.O.S.S. guy realized a few of the more important fitness facts a while ago, and he’s been putting them to good use, slowly and steadily. He’s cancelled his subscription to “Super Muscle Info” because he realized that the “pros” have more chemicals than brain cells floating around. If he does go online, he’s found proven, reliable sources of information, not musclehead discussion forums, which are really just chest-thumping contests for high-tech K.S.A.G. guys around the world. Most importantly, the smart guy realizes that it’s only exercise, not rocket surgery or brain science. He gets to the gym, does his (smart) thing, gets his results, and doesn’t stress out much if his guns aren’t 20 inches, or if he weighs 190 pounds instead of 185. He literally trains for health and fitness, and can see the big picture, long-term style. And he knows that by keeping true fitness a priority, he’ll end up with the looks he wants (at which time, he’ll dethrone the current Pretty-Pretty-Makeup Guy, and become the gym’s newest studmuffin.)
     
  2. JKD_forever

    JKD_forever DEADLIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That.......was........hilarious.....and true

    :D :D :D
     
  3. Kinjiro Tsukasa

    Kinjiro Tsukasa I'm hungry; got troll? Supporter

    Very funny! :D

    I'll add a few more:

    The Trains-only-his-top-half guy: This is the guy whose chest and arms just bulge with powerful, well-developed muscles, but who has these skinny little pencil-stick legs.

    The Stair-stepper-cheater: This is usually a woman, one of those braggy, "look at how incredibly fit I am" types, who spends an hour at a time (or more) on the stair stepper machine, pushing down on the handles so that she supports 90% of her weight on them, while her legs pretend to climb the stairs.

    The Typhoid-Marty guy: This is the guy who should be home in bed, but he won't miss a day at the gym for anything. He has a miserable, sneezing, coughing, slobbering cold, and he sits on the exercise bike for an hour, spreading germs all over the place. When he finally gets off the bike, he does a very poor job of cleaning his sweat (and germs) off it.

    The Cardio-machine-hog: This is the person (usually, but not always, a woman) who arrives at the gym 15 minutes before it opens. When the doors open, she runs in, slamming into people right and left, running over anyone who gets in her way. She runs right to the most popular cardio machine, which she proceeds to occupy for the next 90 minutes. If a gym has too many of these, normal people might as well forget about using the cardio equipment at that gym (the Stair-stepper-cheater is a type of Cardio-machine-hog).

    The Locker-room-spreader-outer: This is the person who manages to spread his or her equipment over every single square inch of every single bench in the locker room, thus preventing anyone else from using the benches.
     
  4. YODA

    YODA The Woofing Admin Supporter

    LMAO!

    Sooooo true :D

    You forgot me though...

    "Used to lift lots back in the day out of shape fat guy"
     
  5. calleo14

    calleo14 Banned Banned

    lol

    true i know exactly what youre talking about lol thanks needed that
     
  6. YODA

    YODA The Woofing Admin Supporter

    I call these "Seagulls" :D
     
  7. Kinjiro Tsukasa

    Kinjiro Tsukasa I'm hungry; got troll? Supporter

    BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!

    I always wonder about them, "Can't they see below their waists?" :D
     
  8. semphoon

    semphoon walk idiot, walk.


    T-Shirt bodybuilders I call them. Will wear the smallest vest to show as much upper body. Will always wear jogging pants/bottoms to cover legs.
     
  9. midnightsun955

    midnightsun955 Valued Member

    I'm-just-resting-from my tiring 10 minute jog-herd: They come together. They take up the treadmills. After ten minutes sweat begins to show and they all decide to 'cool off'. They are the group of friends on the bench you pass by every half hour since the begining of the "rest" and they're still sitting drinking water.

    "pencil stick legs" hahaha
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2005
  10. Kwajman

    Kwajman Penguin in paradise....

    How about me, The Old Fat Guy who no matter what can't tone or lose a pound? Of course I'm usually waiting on the herd of cardio hogs who are too busy socializing to get their butts off the steppers.
     
  11. KickChick

    KickChick Valued Member

    LOL .... good one BWMF !

    I can literally picture every single one of them types !
     
  12. Ad McG

    Ad McG Troll-killer Supporter

    It's funny how true this is. Don't forget the guys curling in the squat rack. These are often found in pairs, and usually do bench press, bicep curls, maybe the odd lat pulldown because it's a cool machine and sometimes some leg extensions or presses because they want to kick a football harder. They sit down on the bench with their max weight, struggle hard to lift it once really slowly, then snort "7 more" as their friend proceeds to take most of the weight. They also usually wear "lifting" gloves, and sometimes baseball caps.
     
  13. Kinjiro Tsukasa

    Kinjiro Tsukasa I'm hungry; got troll? Supporter

    Here's another one (can apply to either free weights or weight machines):

    The blabber-lifter: The person who does one repetition, then yakkety-yaks to his/her friend (standing nearby) for ten minutes. Than another repetition, and another 10 minutes of yak. Takes one hour to do a single set.
     
  14. Cownose

    Cownose Valued Member


    That sounds a lot like me :cry:

    But at least I rack my weights :D
     
  15. tom pain

    tom pain I want Chewbacc for good

    There is one of those down my gym - except replace 10 minutes with 40 minutes.
     
  16. Jambi

    Jambi New Member

    I can't believe now one mentioned Insists-on-Talking-to-you-While-Naked-Guy

    This guy will usually stand way too close, prop their leg on the bench and make small talk while you're trying to change. This guy is often associated with the Rub-Baby-Oil-on-Himself-While-Naked-and-Talking-to-you-Guy
     
  17. Ad McG

    Ad McG Troll-killer Supporter


    haha, definitely! There was some old guy at the commercial gym I went to and he used to stand in the mirror for ages drying himself wearing a thong! What the hell is wrong with these people. So glad I lift at my friends house or outdoors now!
     
  18. Kwajman

    Kwajman Penguin in paradise....

    Uhm, Jambi, you are a guy right?
     
  19. Timmy Boy

    Timmy Boy Man on a Mission

    At my gym, there is an abundant colony of the "stand-in-front-of-the-mirror-doing-cheat-reps-with-one-handed-dumbell-curls-guy" species.
     
  20. Jambi

    Jambi New Member

    yep, I'm a guy alright. Don't ask me why they insist on talking to me. :confused:
     

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