A "Real" Ultimate System!!! Join Now

The Real Ultimate Fighting System
Our motto: ““You can't learn to fight without fighting!””

I've finally done it! I've set up my own system (and yes, even applied for my “Soke-ship”). Since setting up my own system I've been able to cut down on the amount of time I spend in the training hall and I've quadrupled my money. Here's a bare outline of what I do (and it's already trademarked, copywritten and patented, so you better not steal it!)

1.First – I got rid of uniforms and belts... they weren't necessary for fighting (although I am making a bundle off my “Pro-shop” and line of non-uniform rashguards and 'street combat gear (R)'.
2.We dropped forms, line drills, self defence classes, and air kicks. “You can't learn to fight without fighting!”
3.We dropped heavy bag work, speed bag drills, and paddle drills... “You can't learn to fight without fighting!”
4.We got rid of no contact, light contact, and medium contact sparring... “You can't learn to fight without fighting!”
5.We then took it one step further... and dropped full contact sparring, after all “You can't learn to fight without fighting!”
6.We even stopped meeting at the training hall because it just wasn't realistic

So how does it work? Simply

My students sign up and pay $200 a month. To make our training as realistic as possible, we train in the ultra-realistic way.

I call every student several times a week on a random schedule (and at random times). Upon receiving my call, the student heads out of their house and finds a person on the street to fight. All fights are real and unrehearsed and my students are instructed to attack the first person (or people) they meet... in this way, my students are doing real fighting and have to take into account multiple attackers, weapons, different sizes and abilities, all at various times when they might not be ready to perform. They also have to practice escape and evasion from the law... any students who are caught and arrested can enroll in my “Prison self defence” Program... which is basically the same as this one, but a bit costlier and a little bit restricted by environment.

Anyone want to sign up?


Just in case anyone wonders... I am joking!

 

Very Funny!

I would join, but i value my life and safety.

 

Excellent! Where do I sign up?

 

Sounds Kinda like fight club

 

HA!

send me some literature!!

 

hehehe

 

I would sign up but unfortunately I am still tied into my contact with "The Way of the Piercing Eye". This teaches me to defeat all opponents with a strong piercing stare, it really works my sifu can knock me over just by staring at me.

 

The first rule of "The Real Ultimate Fighting System": Do not talk about "The Real Ultimate Fighting System"

 

dang, thomas! you had to do it didn't you? ok where's the sign up sheet! (btw, let me in on th pro-shop biz and i'll sign 20 more people up).

 

Wow, your new system should fit into the 100+ pages of useless advertisement that comes standard with every issue of "BB" magazine! Make sure your your multi-colored silk Dobok is almost completely obscured from view by hundreds of patches, that way you look credible to even the most skeptical minded readers out there! And I think you should seriously consider dropping your name altogether. You need a simple symbol to identify yourself, and in writing of course, you would be "The Martial Arts Instructor Formerly Known as Thomas". I think this could work for you!

 

>knock knock<

Hello sir, I'm from your local Real Ultimate Fighting Club, we're in the area to tell you about our amazing self defence system. It's a traditional martial art updated for the defence and fitness needs of modern day life, and scientifically proven to be 18% more effective than other martial arts. Have you ever thought about trying a martial art, sir?

You already do? Ah, well, perhaps you didn't know but most martial arts are completely ineffective on land and were designed by Australians to fight off jellyfish while deep sea diving, the Ultimate Fighting System is designed to supermetaturbofy your fitness while increasing your fightametric nervous system to its maximum - no other martial art can claim this.

Interested? Well you'll need to sign up now, because once I leave this street the price goes up to a squillion euros!

Just get your cheque book? Why, of course!

 

Thomas.
Quick, sign me up..I hope there is a special program for those of us in law enforcement??

 

bring it on lol

 

Of course you'll have to advertise in Black Belt magazine.

 

Sounds like a video game

 

I have a suggestion for your black belt test. Applicants for black belt must perform a multi stage test kind of like “The Amazing Race”.
First stage of the test. Call the clubhouse of The Hells Angles MC (R), your choice of what chapter and tell them you are one bad *&%$ dude and will show them how bad you are if they meet you outside. Then meet them out side of their clubhouse. Inform them that you wish to show what you can do, so you are calling out anyone that thinks they can take you. This should be no problem if you have studied you techniques. You know the ones you see in all the films where the lone hero takes on the biker gang and takes all of them out. You did memorize the moves like you were told? This must be filmed as proof of the completion of this stage. The testing board will have right to ½ of the money made from ticket and films sales. Hey you would need some compensation for the priceless knowledge you pass on.

OK I have stage 1 set who wants to set stage 2 of the test.

Of course this must be approved by Most Supreme Grand Master Thomas of The Real Ultimate Fighting System

 

Stage 2, you must find a National Front (KKK for our American cousins) meeting and walk into the pub where it's being held (it will be in a pub, of course). Then you proclaim in your best foreign accent that anyone who disputes gay rights just hasn't had the right gay sex yet.

If you survive, you pass!

 

Bob1770, moosey, and oldshadow: you guys are hired immediately. I'll consider the rest of you later! Moosey: if we actually had dan ranks, I'd promote you (hey, what about secret dan ranks?)



Just wait until you guyys see the videos we're going to produce!

 

Much More Income Potential!!!!

Thomas:

You have neglected the legal, quasi legal and not at all legal, food supplement, vitamin and performance substance market. After all how can you acheive these very high levels of real training without the "fuel".

Official food and supplement courses start at $159/ month for the basics and just increase with your body size. Potential stars of this system could work their way up to 3oo lbs of almost pure fat from 150lbs in JUST THREE MONTHS on our PRO DIET based on mostly greasy take out. Now collecting these discount coupons also gives you the opportunies of going into the best parts of town at 3:00 AM to get that middle of the night fuel boost. This is true "value added" marketing.

And don't forget, when the students are sent to get their horse growth hormones at the local dealer, they can practice their knife and gun arm defences every week!

Just think of the revenue available in such an "integrated" approach!