Mental Preparation

Hi, I want some advice about mental preparation and about when to attack and when not to attack...
You know, I had some problems recently:
Some days ago, I heard a strange noise close to my house, and went to check. There was a guy trying to force his wife into entering the car while se was screaming that she wouldn't go. I asked what was happening, and he suddenly punched my face.
I have a fairly good resistance, so I didn't even feel any pain, even thought I fell into the ground (Probably, because I'm very light too). Confused, I tried to fight back, but I took lots of other hits and was very hesitant to punch him.
I punched his face once, but apparently not too hard, then he started to be a coward and tried to bring weapons into the fight (Probably a Knife, but he didn't take it out of his pocket after he grabed it in his car.)
His wife was trying to stop the fight, and convinced him to get in the car and go away, while I called police.
I'm very confused about it, I was TOO calm for a fight, but was hesitant to attack.
Some days after, I had a discussion with a friend of mine, we work together and he has a higher position than mine.
In our discussion, instead of argumenting he was using his position to try to impose his opinion over mine.
In the end I ended up punching him, even tough I didn't use my full force, I'm very sorry about this, and he's very angry with me and things aren't really good here.
I realized that I'm NOT mentally prepared to fight, I'm too aggressive on my friends, whom I should be more humble, and really weird about my enemies, like I'm possessed by calmness and devoid of emotions, while my mind gets confused and I become hesitant....
That night, I could have called the people in my house, they would come quickly, render the guy unable to attack and resolve the situation, whitout that woman having to go with that guy she didn't want to go, instead, I called the police, that would take hours to come, while he was already far away.
I want to learn some more philosophy, self-discipline, and learn the best way to act in fight situations.
My friend was right after all, I should have respected him, but I didn't...
And that guy should be the one going to the hospital later that day, not me. (Well, I was just for collecting evidence, not because of the pain or anything, but, I think I could defeat that guy, he was a coward after all.)
Well, do anyone have any tips where I should look? What should I learn?
What would help me?
Sorry for the long post and for getting ths out of my chest right here, but I will be very grateful for any help.
Thanks in advance.
RMisaki.

 

What's happening with the guy who was arguing with his wife?

Where are you located? Local laws will influence when you can get physical and what you should be doing leading up to it.

All in all it's probably worth gettingt to a boxing gym and exposing yourself to some consistent contact at appropriate levels.

 

Now police is trying to locate him, don't know where he is now...
Well, I'm located where justice doesn't really matter a lot, just who can lie better to the judge. ¬¬
Well, I'm the one who got hit first, and I didn't even provoke, so even if I punched him to death, I would be just defending myself...

Anyway, thanks for the reply, I want to hear more opinions also, I think its not actually about when to get physical, but why should I do it, even if it seems obvious, and how could I manage to control better my emotions.

Why would I be calm in front of an agressor and angry with a friend that wouldn't really want to harm me?

This is being very hard for me. >.<

 

You live in Brazil? Do BJJ, some good lessons there about staying calm under pressure.

 

Well, the problem is because I was TOO calm under pressure and TOO angry when I wasn't under that much pressure.
Also... I'm not very fond of that much contact BJJ offers =x

 

I found BJJ a good way to deal with ego. Not only my own but others as well. It just also happens to be very useful in a fight.

You mean too much contact? That's what fighting is all about, contact! You go to a good JKD school, chances are they'll teach you some grappling.

 

Yeah, but isn't most of BJJ about grappling? It doesn't appeal me a lot ^^'

 

You were scared of the stranger so reluctant to engage - you weren't scared of your friend so you (somehwat bizzarely) did engage

It is adrenal response - fight, flight or freeze

Frankly I would be more concerned about you acting as a bully/instigator against your friend than the fact you had your ass handed to you by a stranger

 

Sounds like you struck out at your friend because you were suffering from shock. You've been through a very stressful situation and it sounds like you're looking to martial arts to resolve your feelings about the incident.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do martial arts, but do not expect that to provide any immediate resolution to how this made you feel.

 

Yes, that's what I'm worried the most, but well, my friend is actually stronger than I am, at least...
Aah, those things are making me crazy. >.<

 

Yeah, there's a lot of grappling, but you live in Brazil, so the chance of coming up against someone who is better than you (at fighting/grappling) is a bit larger. Best to learn how to defend against it, which is the philosophy of JKD.

 

Well, I try to be always calm, and I'm a very quiet and reserved person... I was trying to be cool when I was discussing with my friend, but it looked like anything I'd do just made him to become angrier and do more things that would make me angrier...

It was like a bom, just building pressure inside and then exploding, it was very bad.

Most of my life is stressful, because most of the things I really desire seems to be awaiting me far in the future, instead of being things I could get gradually, and I realized after all that, that my mind isn't being too reliable, so I can't trust myself that I will make the best decisions when things go bad. >.<

I feel like I can't deal well with things that make me angry and stressed, while things that should really make me angry doesn't, and probably because, like Hannibal said, of fear.

But I simply can't understand that fear at all, its a fear, but doesn't feels like one, I wasn't feeling really fearful on that night, as I even advanced, but why would I hesitate or have fear of htting him?

And... Why would I attack someone I supposedly cared about and didn't want to hurt?

Maybe I'm looking for some sort of philosophy to learn... I really don't know...

 

I don't know really, I could stand up without trembling, I could look to him without problem and even advance, the only time I hesitated, was when I was close to him, that I didn't attack properly...

I don't know really, my mind isn't being very reliable, because I can't even predict how I will react in any situation, let alone predict the actions of others...

And my ability to make decisions seems very impaired, and I can't figure why. >.<

 

It's adrenaline and your body processing/reacting to it

There are many ways you can accustom yourself to this, but start with a guide who knows the way through the maze

http://www.geoffthompson.com/

Geoff has written many, many books on these topics and you cannot go wrong with anything he puts out IMO

 

Thank you, I'm going to have a look. ^^

 

I had a similar experience to you when I was in my late teens. My friend and I were getting ready to go out and as we were crossing the parking lot we heard this woman screaming/yelling in one of the adjacent apt buildings rather loudly for that time of night. Sometimes its difficult to distinguish screaming from fear and yelling in anger.

Being young and a bit unwise, I crossed over and went up a couple of flights of stairs to the landing that separated the flats on that floor and demanded to know what was going on - yeah, I'm laughing at that, as well

I learned why police always say they despise responding to domestic incidents - I briefly recall seeing 2 fellows and one girl before all three of 'em became very irate at my unwanted intrusion into their row - and whatever was going on, whoever was doing what to who - all of that were forgotten momentarily and the irrational anger that they had been directing to each other - suddenly found a new home - me!

Its truly amasing - the amount of hiding one can take in a short period of time. Defies the laws of space-time. The only thing I remember was the first punch from the stringy-haired Irish drunkie that found its target square on my nose - which exploded. ******* had good rotation at the hips and I was, of course, at the perfect distance for delivery.

According to my friend, who'd just arrived at the base of the stairs just as I came rolling down, lol, I warn't up there too long. If you've ever seen people stumbling out of a building after a flash-bang goes off in close quarters - that's how I was.

Didn't call the police, as my friend, who was a borderline psychotic, had tried to run one of 'em down in his motorcar - and would've succeeded had I not grabbed the steering wheel from him - thankfully I still had the presence of mind to avert what would have been a very bad ending to the scrap.

Reading your story, I remember having a lot of the same feelings as you - a lot of doubt about myself and my ability to handle things, feeling shaken, embarrassed - my friend, who had grown up on his grandparents farm, kept making comparisons between my face and the various slaughtered farm animals he'd seen, lol. It warn't the last time my face was compared to a shot animal after I'd taken a punch.

Anyroads, a lot of self-doubt and second guessing and playing the scene over in my head - "what if I'd done " so 'n so instead.

But you know...Its just a scrap. I'd seen much, much more fighting when I was a wee child - much more. Didn't think anything of it then. But after I'd been away from it for years and years...I got un- used to it. I became soft in the head.

Someone mention, I think it Dean Winchester, that you should take up boxing so as to become accustomed to physical stress brought on by people intending to harm you; even if its just within the context of sport.

I think that a brilliant suggestion.

 

I see, thank you for sharing your story. ^^
Well, I don't know that much about physical stress, my body can go through a lot, because I have a very high resistance to strong pain to the point of not even feeling pain at all, when I shoul (But small pain still hurt D=).
I'm still in bad terms with my friends, because of what I did, and I still don't know how to compensate...
I'm not even training physically these days, because I wan't to learn first how to control my anger better, when to unleash it, and when to be humble and accept I'm wrong...
Thanks all for the replies. ^^

 

Believe me, learning to respond to any given situation with appropriate measure is tough - the reason why many of us are here/practice MA.

 

First: have you ever attacked someone before, even in gym training? What was the result? Your previous experience aka XP might account for your said performance.

Second: controlling your emotions becomes much easier when you have other OPTIONS/CHOICES to solve the problem/situation at hand. It then becomes much, much easier when you have previous experience with the said problem.

Tell me, have you seen other people get violent with people close to them? What was the result? If it got them what they wanted, then you now have a model to follow, a mostly bad one at that (violence solves SOME problems, but not all). If you see another solve the same problem with another choice, then you have another model that you can CHOOSE to follow. Get as many options as you can and DELIBERATELY, CONSCIOUSLY try them out/do them and observe the results. Do the ones you that gives you YOUR desired results often. The result: you don't need to be angry as much cuz the problem's already solved.

That's one of the things I like about competition MA(boxing,bjj,etc): little by little you learn to CONTROL the level of violence you apply. If you don't, you'll probably spaz out or be KO'ed every single session. And more importantly: INSTANT FEEDBACK/CONSEQUENCES too! Good for learning.