Saw a great one on TV the other day. A guy reaches behind him as if going for a weapon and the guy says "you better be reaching for a sandwich, because whatever you pull out, im going to make you eat it"
*grumble* Bloody northerners with their fancy modern society...*grumble* This would probably have been a good time for a "you're leaving in a body bag" type of comment, wouldn't it?
Best one i ever saw was in college when i was one at the bar with my friend who was a force recon marine. A punk was hassling him at the bar and reach into his jacket. My friend grabbed his wrist and pinned him against the bar. At that point he asked him if he knew what a Columbian necktie was cause he was about to get one. The kids knife dropped out of his jacket onto the floor
One quite typical here in Spain is: "I'm gonna punch you so hard that we'll both die: you from the punch and I from the expansive wave" And in some movie, they had "I'm gonna hit you so hard that your unborn child will be born well educated"
When I was at school a common one was "Can't you afford a taxi....are you looking for a ride in an ambulance?"
I've never used any cheesy lines. I think the stupidest thing I've done though was when someone said he had a knife and put his hand in his inside pocket, I said: "If you got it, you better use it" Then he left. I've had a few "used" on me. ----- "What you gonna do? You gonna Kung Fu me?" "Yeah" "........" ----- Guy causes trouble outside, me and 2 big guys walk out towards him. He stares at the 2 guys, then starts walking towards me and starts the abuse. Big Guy 1 : Mate, you got a better chance against me than him (nods to me) Mateyboy looks at Big Guy 2, who nods. Mateyboy walks away. Good old team work. (note: Big Guy1 is a giant Belgian who can probably supex a smart car, but nicest dude ever and great at de-escalation. Probably because he's a giant Belgian and everyone listens to him, most likely due to his imposing physique)
I've had a couple used on me in the last few years. (1) Him: "I'm going to break your bloody neck!" Me(very quietly): "No you're not." He backed down. (2) Him (a different one): "I'm going to put you in hospital!" Me(laughing): "Go on then!" He backed down. Actually there was a third one, but I can't remember what he said. Same result though: nothing happened. It's always just hot air, as these clowns try to psyche themselves up and intimidate you. As soon as they see that you aren't scred they look for a way out. And that's when I try to be a bit conciliatory, so they can back out without feeling like they're losing face. Which beats actually having to fight the fools.
It's been quite a few years since anyone threatened me seriously actually. I think one of the last ones I did was basically: Him: "You think you're hard mate?! I could messily take your body parts, empty the contents of my bowels onto the stumps and clean this filthy floor with you!" (Emphasis mine for obvious reasons). Me: "We'll see". *Dead pan stare, take a fraction of a step forwards*. Him: "............." *makes excuse and walks away* Must've been what, six years ago now? In retrospect it may have been some posturing, but I think I'm pretty lucky he didn't actually take a swing at me.
I've always liked this story from Steve Morris... "One such challenger, a Brazilian who claimed to be the champion of some unpronounceable system, challenged me whilst I was having a light workout on the bag and at the same time having an amusing conversation with Tom. 'Later,' I replied, but he was persistent. Looking at Tom, I just shook my head as if to say, 'Here we go again.' But this time instead of squaring up to him, I had another idea. I went around opening all the windows (we were about 15 feet up on the first floor and it was winter at the time). 'Why are you doing that?' he asked, and even Tom looked puzzled. 'Because when I get hold of you I am going to throw you out one of them,' I replied. 'Oh! I don't want that kind of fight!' he cried. 'You must be crazy.' 'That's right,' I replied, and he immediately went to the dressing room, got changed and departed. Tom and I carried on our conversation whilst closing the windows as if he hadn't even existed." Fighting without fighting.
One of the funniest "I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild." Can't remember where i heard it, probably a movie. Blind Fury?? Can't remember - heard a few gents repeat it of a Friday evening. Baza
A couple more oldies we've missed. I'll hit you so many times you'll think your surrounded. I'll rip your arm off and hit you with the soggy end.
"Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? Either way you're going to lose your teeth." Used by a cocky teenage version of myself moments before getting a black eye.