Relationship is over. How to cope when it hits home?

I just broke things off with my partner of 2 years and it hasn't hit home yet.

I feel sad, guilty and as though I am waiting for things to get much worse. As though feelings of heartbreak etc are imminent.

I think it was the right thing to do as there were issues from day one and the past two months have been more about arguments than being civil and enjoying each other's company. I just know that I will be lonely and miss the companionship aspects. I am half expecting us to get back together as has been the case after every argument before. I am questioning whether I should stick to my decision which I was convinced was the only way this morning. I feel so bad. She was hysterical and my hands were shaking but I stayed calm otherwise. I can't bring myself to eat or do anything but sit and think, and my head is all over the place. One minute I am okay. The next my stomach is in knots and I am pacing up and down. I don't know how to deal with it.

Any advice? Sorry to ask this in an MA forum.

 

Just don't talk to her/him. Not until many years have last and all feelings are gone. Best to just get on with life, get on tinder when you feel ready to meet people.

Best of luck, it's never easy.

 

It is something I have been considering on and off for over a year. I posted this dilemma last year:

"I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years and while it has been good a lot of the time there has constantly been periods where issues have arisen.

She is the kind of person who constantly wants to be in touch with me even when I am with friends. If I don't text her for two hours while out with my buddies she will accuse me of ignoring her the next day.

She also has a hard time socially and worries a lot of about work. I try to console her but there is only so much that I can do. She had a shift in December on the night of my work's Christmas party and was upset that her boss was not supporting her when she needed help with her patients (she is a nurse). She thought this woman hated her so I tried to console her but she was hysterical. Everyone was waiting at the Christmas meal for me and I was already running half an hour late so I said I have to go and that she would be fine/text me in an emergency or very bad situation. When I get home her parents are at our apartment and asking me what I was thinking going out when she felt like this.

These kinds of things happen on a monthly basis and there's only so much of my life I can give up. I have cut off friends at times to be with her and I hate doing that. They think I've changed but they don't know the balancing act I have trying to keep things civil.

Anyway, I recently started a part time course to try and elevate myself out of my relatively low paying job. She is on a good wage and in terms of our bills: I pay about 35% of them while she pays 65%. Groceries are split 50/50. I know this is not fair but that accounts for almost all of my wage and almost half of hers. She has a massive problem with me studying in my spare time as she believes I should spend it with her. Her main hobby is watching TV and she rarely goes out with friends. I cannot cope with this and feel that if I don't get a career now (I am 24) the chance may pass me by.

To be fair I perhaps don't spend enough quality time with her but this is impossible with her insecurities. I have taken her out with my friends but she latches on to me and I have to be guarded in what I say in case she take it the wrong way. She will often say I couldn't stop looking at one of my girl friends who I have known since I was little and have never been/wanted to be anything other than friends with. If I go and say "Hi" to a male friend she will say i have ditched her for my friends even when I have only been gone for 10 minutes.

We started couple counselling which I cannot afford on top of everything else but if I say anything she will bring up the course I am on which costs around the same for a year of tuition. I suggested she try some personal therapy such as CBT but this provokes the worst reaction in the world. Screaming and slamming doors. Her mother originally suggested it but quickly backtracked and started saying I was the one who needed it.

I am not perfect but at least I was willing to try couples' counselling which was her suggestion. She said she had previously had CBT and it was no good. She was taken out lessons at school because of social anxiety or bullying. All of her relationships have been bad from what I can tell. I feel so bad to be thinking of leaving and I don't want to fall into a depression because I want to be with her and love living together.

(I don't know if this is important but I think of it when she gets annoyed at me studying: Her mother is a lecturer so she helped her through nursing school and got her in even though she did not necessarily meet the academic requirements).

I am too embarrassed to tell my family and friends of how bad things are as they will say I should come home.

Yes the spark has gone and I should do more to make her feel special but I am so beaten down and demotivated by the arguing to do it with feeling. I love her but I cannot she a future for us like this. My course is just a year but she still thinks I don't commit enough time to her. The time we spend arguing is almost as much time as I spend studying though.

I don't have enough money to take her out all the time but I do occasionally. I tell her I love her everyday and help with the housework and do most of the cooking. She tends to just relax in front of the TV after work but I think her job is more physically draining than mine. I don't complain about her not helping me with the house too much as I think it could be related to her low self-esteem and possibly depression. However, she sees my attitude to the relationship as the problem and thinks I prioritise it in third place after studying/work and friends and family.

I feel I can't do anything.

Please advise me"

 

There are more women out there man, don't sweat it! Easy to say, hard to do.

 

Make like Lebron and hit that rebound!

 

I'm far from perfect but I tried to make it work. Always had it in my mind that if I hung in it would fix itself and all be worth it.

 

Go back to your old haunts and associate with your friends again. The problem from what i'm reading is manipulation pure and simple. No kids involved? Only a two year relationship, i'd move on taking only the good memories with you. When her mother gets involved that's when you need to make a stand.

Baza

 

You've repeatedly brought this up. Your inability to understand why she was unhappy is a major part of why you had problems in your relationship. Ultimately though you were just mis-matched, and now you can both find people who better compliment you.

 

it's never easy to break up. the only thing i would say is that now that you've broken up, completely break any relationship off. to me, it's always best to just let it all go. it's over, delete all her contact information from your phone, get rid of everything that's left at your house. move on.

 

Went through a divorce and survived, actually I was about a month in when I realized I was much better off. Spent some time dating and then....

got involved with a wonderful woman who I was pretty sure was the love of my life, we were even engaged, we were together for several years. But she had massive insecurity issues that over time manifested themselves in multiple accusations about other women and lies that were a complete fantasies. Talked to her about it multiple times, she even went to a counselor and still the insecurity got worse. Eventually we broke up and to this day I am not exactly sue who ended it...the first time. Then a few months later we started seeing each other again but I realized that nothing had changed and if I wanted to go back I could, but it would be the same exact relationship it was before. Fast forward 2 years I meant another woman, we got married and we have kids...is it perfect...no...but it is not that bad either.

Do I miss my ex-wife...no, not at all. Do I miss my ex-fiancée? Yes I do form time to time, but it is now over 12 years later and if I think about it I realize I am romanticizing things and not remembering the bad parts.....

If it was bad, likely it will be bad again if you go back. You will meet someone else, it just takes time

 

I always try to just be really, really selfish after a breakup. Just indulge in whatever you want to. Have you been eyeing a bonsai that's a little bit out of your price range? Buy it. Some movies that you've been meaning to watch that you're ex never wanted to? Watch 'em! Eat food that's bad for you, maybe drink a little bit too much, make eyes at ladies or fellas or whoever you want. Have fun! When a woman is around, men have an obligation not to sit around in their underwear while reading spiderman and farting. Now is the time to go to town.

 

Trouble with that solution is if you're not ready you will only ending hurting someone?

 

only if you forget to stretch first.

 

It took 5+ years to get over my love of my life of 2 years only. other women wont fix it / didnt fix it. I just dove into my Martial Arts and let that become my world without looking back (that much).

 

The sister is now getting in touch to ask for a gift she gave me back.

 

It happens, it is all part of it. My ex-wife took a lot of stuff..... including the entire bank account and my credit rating....she maxed out my credit cards on the way out too. and the Ex-fiancee had a ton of stuff at my place I had to get back to her.

It is not easy but you need to face it and move on if that is what is best for you