Car Jokes

[YODA]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "Doctor, look at this, think about your job, it's like mine. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind' em, put in new parts, and when I finish everything works as new. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, " That's all very well but try doing it when the engine's running."

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The police pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" the officer asks.

The woman replied, "Oh thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,
The officer replied, "that's your air freshener"

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My name is John. Driving to my office this morning on Houston Interstate #45 near Clear Lake, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup.

I looked away for a few seconds and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Creme out of my other hand. In the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Bob and the Twins, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS

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A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push,"
he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in
the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory,"
says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and be
ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes,"
comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes
the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open all the windows again and see if it works?

=======================

A group of elderly residents of a nursing home were chatting over coffee.

"I am so tired, I can hardly lift my arms to drink my coffee.: said one.

"My cataracts are so bad, I can hardly see the coffee." said another.

"My artritis is so bad I can't turn my head at all." said a third.

"My blood-pressure pills make me constantly dizzy" said one of the old men.

"Well," said one of the women, "that's the price we pay for getting so old. Thank goodness we can still drive."

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A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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An Irishman, looking to do odd jobs, knocks at the back door of a country house.

The owner hands him a can of Dulux and a 2" brush and says "Go round to the front entrance and paint the porch".

An hour later Paddy goes to the back door again for his wages and as he is leaving says to the owner "By the way, it isn't a porch, it's an Aston Martin".

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Minor bump on the A12 - Essex Girl taken to Chelmsford A+E;
Doctor - 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Essex Girl - 'I'm from bleeding Chigwell - where are you bleeding from?'

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on a motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

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A Bayern Munich fan drove in his BMW to Ibrox Park, Glasgow to watch Rangers v Munich - stood at the Rangers end - alone.
Munich score, he starts to applaud, looks around, and stops.
Big Rangers man says 'On ye go son - great goal'
German applauds.
Rangers equalise just after half time.
Munich score the winning goal in the 89th minute - German looks up, Rangers man says 'Great goal' -the better team won.
Then smacks him over the head with a half bottle of Bells.
The German, streaming blood, says; 'I don't understand, you tell me to applaud,you say great goals, the beeter team won, then you hit me over the head with a bottle'.
Rangers man says 'Aye, but that has ****all to do with the game - thats for bombing Clydebank in 1944'

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[Andy Murray]

Originally posted by YODA

Rangers man says 'Aye, but that has ****all to do with the game - thats for bombing Clydebank in 1944'

[YODA]

Thought YOU'D like that one Andy

[booksie_girl]

Too, too long

[Cain]

Yet - too good

|Cain|

[47Ronin]

Haha, those jokes were bad ass.

[Greg-VT]

hehe... those are great

[xubis]

blonde one made me laugh a lot