Adam and Eve, Heaven and Hell (All sorts of other stuff)

[simonlarcombe]

A quick explanation of the Adam, Eve and the Serpent business in Genesis. I was going to continue with the rest of the bible but I can't be bothered. Not that it would take too long just because it's a bit dull - so I replaced it with something else.

There's this couple called Adam and Eve who live in the Garden of Eden. They sort of live happily until one day they have a huge argument and Eve decides to leave... actually it's more like a mutual agreement but we'll come to that later.

While she's wandering aimlessly about Eve bumps into this guy called Lucifer. - For anyone who doesn't know Lucifer is translated as 'the angel of light' - in other words it's Satan - She starts asking him loads of questions and they start a sort of friendship. Have deep conversation about the meaning of life. Eve manages to extract all the information she needs and leaves Lucifer on his own to return to her "husband".

Lucifer wonders about her from time to time and carries on his normal business. Sort of.

One day, he bumps into Adam and Eve - who've now gotten back together. Eve introduces Lucifer to her husband and he's invited to stay for a while. While he's there he realises that Eve actually understood some of what he was teaching. He also sees that she's been trying to teach Adam. Now they're both in a complete mess.

Anyway, Lucifer decides to stay with them for a year or so until he realises that Eve has a pretty good strategy. She's completely wrong of course but very deceitful. He starts to realise that he's being used by Eve (and by Adam although he's not so clear about the whole issue) to try to complete their relationship. However, he's getting nothing in return so decides to leave them on their own. After a couple of weeks Lucifer goes back again but doesn't get a very nice welcome so he leaves again and swears never to go back.

On his travels Lucifer bumps into God, who commands Lucifer to do all sorts of things in return for untold treasures. Lucifer thinks "what the hell, there's nothing else going on" so decides to give it a go. Quite some time passes and Lucifer's tried everything he can but still nothing's happening, until God asks him to revisit the couple again. He does, very briefly but now Adam has turned quite nasty, there's nothing he can do to Lucifer because he's a powerful man and Eve wants rid of Adam but starts playing stupid games with Lucifer. Lucifer realises he's still being used and decided to tell all of them including God to get stuffed.

So God condemns him to hell.

Lucifer spends quite some time there at first it's a horrible place but quite soon Lucifer starts to understand the inner workings of the universe and gains a deep understanding of inter-relationship. Eventually things start going wrong again. Basically, God has realised that Lucifer understands everything and that he won’t be budged. Things start to get difficult for Lucifer. Not because anything's wrong but because he's being continually lied to.

Lucifer, being quite smart. Sits down for a while and decides to observe more closely what's happening. He realises that God is also in hell, obviously it knows that. More interestingly Adam and Eve (who now appear to be getting on very well are also in hell, although this fact has been hidden from them by God). This is quite interesting because God has actually given Lucifer a very powerful weapon without even realising it. Now Lucifer is the only person who can actually fix the situation and make it work (actually God can too but its being stubborn) but everyone, including God need Lucifer. God and Eve want Lucifer to adhere to some rules but Lucifer is bored with their stupid games so he steals strategy. He builds a wall around himself using Adam and Eve as puppets. Adam and Eve are oblivious to the fact but, if you could understand what they actually said to each other you'd laugh at the absolute stupidity of it. Adam believes he's attacking Lucifer but he's actually sending messages back to Eve. Eve's trying to get to Lucifer but 1) doesn't realise 2) is trying to help Adam, which cannot be done because of Lucifer's strategy, and 3) she's also being used to send messages back to God, who might be bored but at least it's laughing.

Religion

During some parts of my life I spent a great deal of time studying the worlds various religions and different social and spiritual philosophies, and some psychology. I found a lot of interesting stuff which eventually wound up to nothing. In conclusion, there’s a common thread running through the lot of it and I’m pretty sure that God exists.

The End.

P.S.Ing

I was going to use religion as the end of this book. Simply because it ended with “the end” but I didn’t want to leave on a bitter note so you can consider the rest of this book as a p.s.

I’m constantly amazed that people bother p.s.ing at all anymore; it seems so pointless in the modern age of computers. In the past, when everything was cleverly handwritten written or bashed into a stone tablet, people would have used a p.s. or a p.p.s. or even a p.p.p.s to note something that had been forgotten in the original content of the main body of writing. Now that we can quite easily cut and paste, insert and amend, these useful footnotes seem to have been reduced, for use, to the level of a joke or witty anecdote. In any case…

Star Trek

I cannot stand the bloody programme but all that “Captains log, star date 2309875.2” business did give me the idea to keep a diary. How cool. Diaries are excellent things, about a year after I finally caught up with myself I realised that I actually had quite an interesting life. Shortly afterwards they did try to lock me up in a mental institute but I suggested that the psychiatrist should go back to school, much to the amusement of his associate. Strange really, it always seemed so quiet.

Fish and chips, on the other hand, I absolutely love. Having been brought up on the North it took quite some time to get used to the Southern variety. There’s nothing better than fish and chips fried in lard and served up in this morning’s news paper. Finding them wrapped in plain shiny paper and cooked in some fancy grape seed or beetle nut oil came as a bit of a surprise to me. Apparently, it’s more healthy because the poisonous print doesn’t stick to your food and the lard doesn’t clog up you’re archeries. Whatever! I never dropped down dead when my Dad took me to the little caravan at the end of our road.

Tourists

Last year we met a few friends from Spain and took them around London, we went to all the usual sites but they were mostly interested in buying postcards and little trinkets to take home (women and shopping, hey). Anyway, I told them that I would like to show them one of my favourite things in London, which is the Whispering Gallery in St Paul’s Cathedral. They were a little apprehensive but I assured them it would be worth the time to experience. We arrived outside the Cathedral and I pointed out where we were going, one of the girls interrupted and said she’d seen enough churches and old buildings and didn’t want to waste her energy climbing all the way to the top just to whisper to each other. I managed to persuade her and we went into the building. We started out looking at all the pictures, sculptures and architecture in the main building; it’s quite similar to most other Cathedrals in that respect, really. Then we found the entrance to the stairs leading, eventually, to the roof. The climb to the top was really quite tiring and the girls complained that it was taking a long time and their legs were getting tired, but I pressed onwards and told them to stop moaning. There were a few stops on the way as we took time to explore the other galleries on the way up. The first part of the staircase is a large stone, spiralling staircase and eventually leads to the Whispering Gallery. It’s a round room with smooth walls, there’s an opening in the middle where you can see the floor of the Cathedral, which is a long way down but a really nice view to see the ornate designs on the marble floor. The Gallery is probably about 30 meters across. Earlier I had told the girls that you could whisper from one side of the Gallery and be heard on the other side, when they saw it they couldn’t believe me so I showed them how to do it. You stand against the wall, with your head turned to one side so that you are listening against the wall (to one side) and someone else goes and stands opposite you, actually you can stand anywhere but opposite for the best effect. Then the other person whispers against the wall and you can hear it! Clear as day, just like you were standing next to each other. They were really very surprised and agreed it was an amazing place. Finally, I suggested that we climb all the way to the top of the building and the golden tower (I think it’s called that anyway).

The last part of the climb is really tough, no more spiral staircase just a wrought iron staircase. On the one hand I was quite relieved because I was getting quite dizzy - on the other hand I was getting quite tired by now myself, and one of the girls was really starting to complain. I felt like throwing her off but I couldn’t because this part of the staircase is indoors. After a lot of steps we finally reached the top… and it was breathtaking. A really beautiful day and a magnificent view over the whole of London, you can see everything from here. The girls were really happy and started taking hundreds of photos, this is me on the left side, this is me on the right side and so on :O) Afterwards they thanked me, even the awkward one, and were really pleased that we had taken the time to take in the view.
A Walk Unfinished

I decided take a walk down the river - it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there was a pleasant breeze. Days like this in the summer time always make me smile. As I walked I watched the ducks swimming, too geese flew overhead, and they came from behind me and were flying very low – it shocked me a little but I laughed. Stupid animals. I passed a few other people walking; some joggers, fishermen and a group of conservationists who looked like they were doing some research on the local wildlife. I always found it interesting that in the cities and towns no-one really looks at each other and rarely say hello. At least not in this part of the country. Down by the river and in the countryside people just seem happier, people smile at you and most people seem happy to exchange a nod, or good morning. All the trees were in fine colour, the full blossoms, so many different colours and shapes. On the opposite side of the river cows grazed lazily and all manner of bird As I continued my walk I heard something rustle in the trees to my left and decided to take a look. As moved into the shade of the trees and walked into the opening.

[wrydolphin]

Sooooooo, how does Lilith fit in?

If its so pointless, why did you do it?

Come on, everyone loves the tribbles. Even Scotty had one.

Pointless.

Pointless.

But thanks for sharing.

[Sandus]

This is the most bizarre thread I've ever seen.

[simonlarcombe]

Originally Posted by wrydolphin

Sooooooo, how does Lilith fit in?

If its so pointless, why did you do it?

Come on, everyone loves the tribbles. Even Scotty had one.

Pointless.

Pointless.

But thanks for sharing.

Ah!

OK.

Lilith, a slightly more developed Eve, that's all. None of your business.

[Kwajman]

That was 3 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back....

[simonlarcombe]

That's nothing mate. I posted the same thing on another site a couple of weeks ago and had my membership postponed and all previous posts deleted by some evil imposters. Come back, see the Dr next week and tell me what you think.

[chasleeuk]

man...i gave up reading that...u got too much time man, go do some training!!!!!

[simonlarcombe]

Training.

[tekkengod]

you see people, THAT is what religion will do to your brain.

[Chimpcheng]

Originally Posted by simonlarcombe

Ah!

OK.

Lilith, a slightly more developed Eve, that's all. None of your business.

Lilith didn't seem that much developed in Frasier or Cheers...

[Greg-VT]

I have no idea what on earth that was, but I liked it. Good read :s .

[aikiwolfie]

Originally Posted by wrydolphin

Sooooooo, how does Lilith fit in?

If its so pointless, why did you do it?

Come on, everyone loves the tribbles. Even Scotty had one.

Pointless.

Pointless.

But thanks for sharing.

Lilith was Adams first wife who was made imperfect from mud an poop and such. Anyway she refused to assume the recumbant position and after awhile got bored with Adam, ran off somewhere else and became a demon. After which she gets a bit miffed at being on her own all the time and starts killing off all the human babies in the world. To stop this God sends two angels who strike a bargin with Lilith. The deal is Lilith will leave all the circumcised boys alone.

At least that's something like the storey I read somewhere. But I'm technically Catholic so I shouldn't even know about Lilith anyway because she doesn't appear in the Chrisitian Bible. In fact I don't think the Jews even talk about her anymore.

Still it's just typical of a chick to get uppity swan-off then feel left out when she's not the center of attention. And on that note is there any point to this thread at all?

[simonlarcombe]

Your interpretation of knowledge is incorrect, so also is the Bibles - being in the correct chronalogical order would have been a better start.

Originally Posted by aikiwolfie

And on that note is there any point to this thread at all?

Clearly, you've replied to it.

[wrydolphin]

Lilith was created before Eve. She was the first wife who decided that Adam wasn't that bright and skittered off to have fun with the deamon types.
Apparently whe was the first to fall for the bad boy. And who can blame her, Adam wasn't eactly the type to blow your hair back, you know.

Apparently, the only point is that there is no point.

And what about those tribbles?!

[tekkengod]

Hmmm.....interesting. So the first account of man and woman in the bible was of a woman who left her husband to go bang someone else. I find that absolutely hillarious.