Hilarious Quotes:

[Th3_GOD]

Hers a huge list of qoutes, some are hilarious. I used a couple on my signature:
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42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!
640K ought to be enough for anybody. <br><i>Bill Gates, 1981</i>
Bother!, said Pooh as he opened his America Online bill.
Call it a hunch. <br><i>Quasimodo</i>
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Data, I thought you were dead! "No, sir, I rebooted"
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. <br><i>Tom Jones</i>
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I tried to think but nothing happened! <br><i>Curly</i>
If the shoe fits, buy it <br><i>Imelda Marcos</i>
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Suicide Hotline...please hold.
Tell me what you think, Captain, I'm all ears <br><i>Spock</i>
To err is human, to forgive....$5.00
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!
What I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a wonderful idea. <br><i>Mahatma Gandhi</i>
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. <br><i>Charlie Brown</i>
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. qL. Long
(A)bort, (R)etry or (G)et a stick and kill it.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
*NO CARRIER* -- A Naval Aviator's worst nightmare!
'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Real Programmers Practice Safe HEX
1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd..
24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Hmmmm.....
4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.
Pentium III, 256Mb 40ns RAM, 30Gb 2ms HD. NOW Windows will beat DOS!
9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer wome
911...... Press 1 if your house is on fire..... Press 2 if.....
96.7% of all statistics are made up.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the coffin.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
All colours will agree in the dark.
All life's answers are on TV. <br><i>Bart Simpson</i>
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Alone: In bad company.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
An honest politician is one who STAYS bought!
Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.
Any of you seen a modem carrier around here?
Anything worth doing, is worth getting someone else to do.
Apple (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
As easy as 1, 2, 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Avoid hangovers: Stay drunken.
Bachelor: A man who never makes the same mistake once.
Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!
Backup aborted: Please remove disk #192 and start over.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Bad Command Or File Name !!! Go Stand In The Corner...
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Behind every succesfull man is a woman with nothing to wear
Behind many a successful man is an exhausted woman.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers!
Black holes really suck...
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
Brain over - Insert coin
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
But I thought YOU did the backups...
C program run, C program crash, C programmer cry.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Chess players mate better.
Clones are people two.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Confucius say: Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
Confucius say: Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Confucius say: Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
DEL *.* does WHAT?
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (O)rder pizza.
Diplomacy is saying: "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
DisneyLand: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Do not disturb? Already disturbed!
Documentation - The worst part of programming.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows!
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink, accidents cause people.
Don't eat yellow snow!
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't take life so seriously. It won't last.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...
E Pluribus Modem ...
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error 763 - Hard disk not ready, close door.
Error 99 - CPU too tired to continue...
Ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everything changes except change.
Everything in time is birth to some and death to others.
Everything inspires. But some things more than others.
Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want
Facts are stubborn things.
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
FILES=1 BUFFERS=0 FCBS=SAYWHAT BREAK=GIMME
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
Friends don't let friends use Windows.
General Brain Failure. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (O)h.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Go straight to the DOCs. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200!
God invented men because he wanted a good laugh.
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere!
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
HAL 9000: "Dave. Put down those Windows disks. Dave. DAVE!"
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Handwritten on a condom machine; "This gum tastes funny"
Happiness can't buy you money.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a risk?
Hardware (n): The part of the computer that can be kicked.
Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
He's got a magnet!!! Everybody BACKUP!!!!!!!!
Hey, whats that beeping noise? Where's that smoke coming from?
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:\
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder!
Humor is just another defense against the universe. <br><i>Mel Brooks</i>
I am built for comfort, not speed!
I am free of prejudices, I hate everyone equally. <br><i>W.C. Fields</i>
I am not young enough to know everything.
I can't diet for medical reasons, it makes me HUNGRY!
I couldn't possibly be wrong. I use an error correcting modem!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!
I know my mind. And it's around here someplace.
I must be a sex object. I say Sex? She objects.
I only play with my computer on days that end in "Y."
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I used to watch TV, then I bought a modem.
I want everything; do you have it??
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
If at first you don't succeed, call it Ver 1.0
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back ?
If IBMs have Bugs, Do APPLES have Worms?
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL, LIPPER and OBOL!
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If Windows is User-Friendly, why do you need to read a 672-page manual?
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can't be good, be careful
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure!
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm in shape ... round is a shape, isn't it?
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.
I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
Im not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not dead. I'm organically challenged.
I'm sure it's in the manual somewhere...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. <br><i>Robert Frost</i>
In today's world, anyone who is not confused just isn't thinking straight.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Is God real or integer?
It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.
It's all fun and games,'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've seen better conversations in alphabet soup.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is not a cabaret. It's a circus.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go. <br><i>William Shakespeare</i>
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns... Ever notice how all our problems begin with Men?
Microsoft Windows... a virus with mouse support.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
Money is the root of all evil. Send $30 for more info.
MONEY TALKS ... but alll mine ever says is GOODBYE!
MS-math: 486 + win95 = 286
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
My girlfriend said I never listen to her, or something...
My other computer is even slower.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
New Mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing is wrong with you that reincarnation can't cure.
Null modems were created when God got no handshake.
Oh Lord, give me patience. But give it to me RIGHT NOW!
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
One person's error is another person's data.
Optimist: Someone who doesn't know all the facts yet.
OS/2? What's that? Half of an Operating System?
Out of Paper...Exit Toilet (Y/N)?
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Philosophers can be divided into two groups: those who divide philosophers into two groups, and those who don't.
Pi R squared Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del for unlimited access to this system.
Pronoia = the suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to HELP you.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may just be happy.
RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory.
RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. <br><i>Lily Tomlin</i>
Reality is that part of the imagination we all agree on.
Reality is the playground for the unimaginative.
Reality.Sys corrupted -- Reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Really get stoned, drink wet cement.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
Same ****, different day.
Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on. <br><i>Arthur K. Watson</i>
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Silence: Vangelis unplugged
Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
The awful price of purity is Puritans.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas. Linus Pauling
The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet.
The Borg assimilated my cat...He doesn't act any differently.
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the light of an oncoming train.
The most expensive component always breaks first.
The only cure for postmodernism is the incurable illness of romanticism.
The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, damn lies & statistics
There must be more to life than sitting there wondering if there is more to life.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
Time flies when you are having mail.
Time slows if you're on the outside of the bathroom door.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
To err is human; To moo is bovine.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. <br><i>Henrik Tikkanen</i>
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
User - a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.
User not Found. (S)mile, (L)augh, (T)hank God?
VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here again later.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was today really necessary?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We come in peace. Shoot to kill.
We do what we can but it's never enough.
Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What on earth is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? <br><i>Ursula K. LeGuin</i>
Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you kill a bug, ten more come for the funeral.
Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?
Wife to sleeping spouse: "Wake up! Who the hell is Tina!!?"
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes.
Windows 3.1: the best $99 solitare game I've ever seen!
Windows 95.....96....97...98..99...Done!
Windows Error: 001 - Windows loaded. System in danger.
Windows Error: 002 - No error yet ...
Windows Error: 003 - Operator fell asleep while waiting.
Windows Error: 004 - Erroneous error. Nothing wrong.
Windows Error: 010 - Reserved for future mistakes
Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS.
Windows isn't a virus... Viruses do something...
Windows v47.4 - We **FINALLY** got it right!!!
Windows: Something that comes with the mouse you bought.
Windows: The solution to a problem that didn't exist before
Windows: Proof that God has a sense of humor.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for those who have nothing better to do.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
You're only young once; you can be immature forever
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
In a Non-smoking Area: If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push.
Seen at an Optometrists Office: If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place.
Seen on a fence: Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I like dogs, too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner! <br><i>Jerry Seinfeld</i>
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
I am. is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? <br><i>George Carlin</i>
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" <br><i>George Carlin</i>

[Th3_GOD]

The Html tags are part of my web pages qoute query thing. Anyway I got it from a text file of qoutes for use in randomized qoute systems .

[semphoon]

Number 1,132 is so funny

[tl Eric]

I started reading then realised how many there were! want to just pick out a few good ones? I like the skydiving one!!!

[Shortfuse]

nice... ill get through the 4th chapter later, but alot of them are funny

[Songi]

theres a whole lot of them. took a bit to read them all, but some of them are really good and quite funny. good show.

[UlTi]

i liked the one about bill gates :P even though i dont have enough free time to read everysingle one !! there are soooo many

[Shortfuse]

im sure if you spaced them apart somehow it would be easier to read, sometimes i lose my place.

[Th3_GOD]

for some reason it wont lemme edit it.

[Cougar_v203]

lol i'm liking the one "UFOS DO EXsist: AIR FORCE DOES NOT"

[gaz shaw]

funny, but try spacing them out next time

[dragon_bunny]

If the shoe fits, buy it - Imelda Marcos

a philosophy i have quickly adapted to i think i have the imelda marcos gene..

[Athleng Nordic]

WOW! I've written shorter term papers. Good stuff.