Joke

[Andy Murray]

Q/
How many TKD guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A/
Three! One to stand on a chair, another to sit on his shoulders and hold the light bulb steady, and the third to kick it!

[Cooler]

LOL.

[waya]

LOL have to try that in class :-) (or use it to turn down the heat since the vents are on the ceiling LOL)

[Melanie]

10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.
9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.
8) Never run out of kindling wood again.
7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.
6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.
5) These uniforms make nice pyjamas.
4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.
3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.
2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And the top reason for studying martial arts:
Three words: free nose job.

[Melanie]

The scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
The day you leave work early to make it to the class on time, the sensei (teacher) will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defence, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the loo when it's your turn

[Melanie]

1. You say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
2. When you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.
3. You go to the shoe store to try on shoes. Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks.
4. You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and whether it protects the toes well.
and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue.)
5. Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder: 'Is that structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.
6. When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger and damage it.
7. "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."
8. "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."
9. When you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly.
10. When you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;
11. Don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches.
12. Open and close doors with spinning kicks.
13. Find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives at the fast food place.
14. Can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks
15. Haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking around with a blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots.
16. Leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home.
17. Deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class.
18. Find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
19. Try to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it.
20. Notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets.
21. Tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close at hand by your bed when you sleep.
22. Buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes.
23. Have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the fight by saying something *so* cool that you make Arnold Shwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes.
24. Have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide when, directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"
25. Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore, thankfully.
26. I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of 'yes!'.
27. When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your art.
28. When you bow going into and out of the bathroom.
29. When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.
30. When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.
31. Whenever you see some wood or concrete, even things like stools or tables, and get excited while you picture just how you would go about breaking it. Then you get funny looks as you feel it and give it a look of hard concentration, then maybe measure off a few times.

[Melanie]

Aikido:
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.

Arnis:
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.


Bo:
A stick.

Bokken:
A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism:
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate Asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi:
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

[waya]

1. Your shoes still fly off everytime you do a
kick.
2. Your hand breaks, instead of the board.
3. You still can't snatch the pebble from your
teachers hand.
4. When you do a splits, your feet are only 24"
apart.
5. As you look down, you only see your big belly,
not your toes.
6. Chopsticks just don't work for you.
7. You think Kwai Chang Caine is a great master.
8. You believe you could have kicked Bruce Lee's
@ss.
9. Your sash regularly ends up around your ankles.
10. When handed a spear, you throw it.
11. You bow to everything in sight, even your
instructors dog.

[waya]

"The technique will work, but you have to do it JUST LIKE THIS..." translation: The technique won't work

"That is the way it was passed down from the grand master" translation: I don't know.

An American karate pioneer. -- Somebody who enjoys the feel of arrows in his back


High kicks are impractical. -- I'm not very good at high kicks

If you know your stuff, you only need to know one move. -- I only have one technique that works

Martial arts schools need to be regulated. -- By me

The martial arts build character. -- A lot of people in the martial arts are real characters

I can't show you my art because it is so powerful it always results in death. -- Everybody who has tried to use it in a real fight got killed

I can't show you my art because it is illegal. -- There's a law against fraud

I teach eclectic martial arts. -- I haven't studied anything long enough to know what I am doing

I study karate to stay in shape. -- I got beat up

I practice street karate. -- I spend a lot of time kissing the concrete

Tournaments can't teach you how to react in a real fight. -- I never won a match in a tournament

Use no way as way, liberate yourself from the classical mess. -- Don't mess with me, I talk like Bruce Lee

You can become a credentialed instructor at a seminar. -- Did you bring your checkbook


None of that kata or philosphy stuff matter on the street. -- Sesame Street

[Melanie]

Dan:
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn:
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

Dojo:
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Hakama:
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Iaido:
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

[Melanie]

Phew! Thats enough for know - more to follow...

:) Melanie

Martials Arts the inspiration to many a comedian and perspiration to many a karateka - go figure?

[Andy Murray]

Q/
How many IYC Moderators does it take to change a Light bulb?

A/
Hey great idea, though we had already thought of it ourselves of course, we'll implement it when we update the site!!!
;)

[Ghostsuit]

Originally posted by Andy Murray
Q/
How many IYC Moderators does it take to change a Light bulb?

A/
Hey great idea, though we had already thought of it ourselves of course, we'll implement it when we update the site!!!
;)

:D Now thats what I call funny :D

[Chazz]

*LOL* those are great. I'll have to tell someof them sometime.
-Chazz

[Andy Murray]

Q/
How many Ninjas does it take to change a Light Bulb?

A/
No no no don't fix it, someone will see us!

[Melanie]

Judo:
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu:
A lot like judo expect that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate:
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata:
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana:
A sharp metal stick.

Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

[Melanie]

Master:
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata:
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja:
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu:
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Sparring:
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami:
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to
prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.

Zen:
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

[Andy Murray]

That 'Become a Master' video.....where can you get that Melanie?
Not for me of course,,,,,,erm....a friend of mine actually....................( Cooler want's one but don't tell anybody )

[Chazz]

Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.


*LOL* I like that one. SometimesI think it true. HAHA

-Chazz

[Andy Murray]

Q/

Why do lady Karate fighters have smaller feet than the men?

A/
So they can get closer to the kitchen sink!

[Pablo]

This one has been making the rounds:


Those who can - Do.

Those who can't do - Teach

Those who can't teach - Teach gym.

Those who can't teach gym - Teach Tai Chi.


:p

apologies in advance

paul

;)

[Andy Murray]

Sharp intake of breath!..........

[Saz]

Originally posted by Andy Murray
Q/

Why do lady Karate fighters have smaller feet than the men?

A/
So they can get closer to the kitchen sink!


Q) What do you call a useless thing inside a karate Gi?

A) A man

;)
Sarah

[Andy Murray]

oooh, you made that up! LOL

[Saz]

LOL.... Its not exactly made up...just nicked from a *much* ruder joke about men and useless things ;)

[Andy Murray]

A bit like ....

Q/ What's gray and wrinkled and hangs out your GI

A/ Your Mother


Read it quick, and I'll destroy the evidence before I get Moderated.

[Chazz]

*LOL* Well this mod thought that it was funny

[Saz]

LOL... I remember telling that pink and wrinkled joke to a teacher in school! She didn't find it funny ;)

[Andy Murray]

Kyoku Girl,
I worry about you!

Andy murray

[Saz]

LOL! People always say that for some reason ;)

[Andy Murray]

Ok, sorry if this upsets any of the Ninjas in our midst, ( yes Tracy, I know your'e there.........I can see the curtains moving ), this is just a website that amused me. I hope it does the same for you.

www.realultimatepower.net/ (http://www.realultimatepower.net/)

Andy Murray

[Freeform]

God those guys have to much time (as does Andy for finding it).

[Andy Murray]

I was hoping that someone could tell me why Ninjas hate Pirates!

[Saz]

That ninja site is well funny... funnniest thing I've seen in a while :D

[Saz]

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Karate tournament.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Itotsu, Anko and Funakoshi and all the greatest players up here".

"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."

;)

[Saz]

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his
wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for
you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back
with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he
points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the
sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair
in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now
Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This
little thing, a watch dog? No way."

Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my butt!"

[Freeform]

Jounalist is at a local Martial arts seminar when all of a sudden a rabbid dog runs into the hall and attacks a small child.

A black belt runs from the other side of the room slips off his belt and garrottes the dog with it.

'That was amazing!' says the Journo
'I can see tomorrows headline "Ju-Jistsu hero saves child"'
'But I don't practice Ju-Jistsu'
'Ok, "Heroic Judo Champion risks life for small child!"'
'But I don't do Judo'
'What are you a black belt in then' asks the Jouno curiously
'Karate' he replies proudly

Next day the headline reads

"VICIOUS MONSTER SLAYS FAMILY PET!!!"

Hee, Hee.....

[Andy Murray]

An Animal Psychologist decides to investigate whether there is any truth to an old wives tale; that pets are like their owners.


He gets three dogs, and a big pile of bones!


The Accountants dog arranges the bones into nice organised piles of ten!

The Architects dog digs foundations and uses the bones to make himself a kennel!

The Karate dog eats all the bones, rapes the other two dogs and says right, wheres my trophy!


:D

[Andy Murray]

OK, I'm not spending all my time looking for this stuff. It just seems to come my way. No wonder Ninja's are paranoid;

http://www.ninja4hire.com/

Andy

[Greyghost]

Phil the Ninja...ahahahahah

u gotta get out more.


your just lucky he didn't flip and kill everyone and then wail on his axe...!!!!!

[Greyghost]

Sorry about this Ninja dudes...but i've just found a site called

www.ninjaburger.com

check it out.

apparantly my ninja name is Tadao Yukihime -san.


Curtains and drainpipes here i come.

:woo:

[Freeform]

Did anyone else click on Phil the Ninjas pulsing Yin Yang?

[Andy Murray]

I beg your pardon???

[Melanie]

You'll never look the same way again at the lowly cow :)

http://www.riddleme.com/html/cow.html

Melanie

[STASH]

Heres a joke:
How many Kung-Fu guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...

[mmafiter]

What did the Zen master say to the hotdog vendor?



"Make me one with everything.":D

[ladyhawk]

Are You Hooked on Karate?

Do you wake up mornings stiff and sore from a late night workout? Is another night like last night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a combination of kicks and punches? If so, you may be (gasp!) HOOKED ON KARATE.
How do you know?

Here are a few clues:

1.The first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

2.You have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

3.You shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

4.You shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

5.Worse yet, the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

6.You actually crave a beach workout.

7.The books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.

8.The Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gis, five rolls of adhesive tape... twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

9.You look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

10.You refuse to wear shoes.

Do any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there...

[ladyhawk]

Tai Chi is just like standing still...only faster.

[Andy Murray]

He He

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?”
Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it’s mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f*cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

:D

[Andy Murray]

One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “Just go on and take me to jail..... there’s no way in the world that I can pass that test.”

[ladyhawk]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.... "I promise!" Well, the hours
passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh ****!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, and then farted."

[ladyhawk]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers,same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hmmm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase

[Saz]

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says "No!".

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

[Saz]

A young blond girl comes home from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says:

"Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says:

"Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries:

"Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"

She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D chest. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

[ladyhawk]

A guide for men......for men learning to live with women. For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get and points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make thebed..... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up..... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
in the snow........... +8
but return with beer..........-5
and no liners................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...... +5
You pummel it with a six iron........+10
It's her cat.................-40


AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to Chat with a College Drinking buddy......... -2
Named Tiffany.............. -4
Tiffany is a dancer..........-10
With breast implants........ -18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.............. 0
You buy a card and flowers............... 0
You take her out to dinner.............. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar........... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night........ -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..........-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............... 0
The pal is happily married............ +1
The pal is single........... -7
He drives a Ferrari.......... -10
With a personalized license plate
(GR8 NBED)... -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie............. +2
You take her to a movie she likes...... +4
You take her to a movie you hate......... +6
You take her to a movie you like......... -2
It's called Death Cop III........ -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans..... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.........-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding....... -10
You reply, "Where?"......... -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"... -100
Any other response............ -20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..........+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"............................-100
You have fallen asleep.........-200

[Greyghost]

Man lives.....- 2,000,000 points.

and breathes....a further -2,000,000 points

oh well.


:(

[Silver_no2]

I'd go through this the other way round but it wouldn't be worth the battering I'd get!:D

Besides....I need my strength to fight Captain Birdseye!!! :D

[fluffydoc]

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..... 0
You expect this? What kind of men do you meet? I'm hugely impressed by this one.
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
in the snow........... +8
but return with beer..........-5 Sorry I'll have to correct you here too. Any man returning with beer is good in my books (unless the beer is already inside him, in which case i'd rip him open to retrieve it...)
and no liners................-25


AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...... 0
And cramp my style?

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.............. 0
You buy a card and flowers............... 0
You take her out to dinner.............. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar........... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night........ -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..........-10
What's a sports bar?

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............... 0
The pal is happily married............ +1
The pal is single........... -7
He drives a Ferrari.......... -10
With a personalized license plate
(GR8 NBED)... -15
Mine is sufficiently well trained this is not a problem.
(I suspect I'll pay for that one later...)

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie............. +2
You take her to a movie she likes...... +4
You take her to a movie you hate......... +6
You take her to a movie you like......... -2
It's called Death Cop III........ -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans..... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15
You take her to a movie and buy the beer +50

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.........-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800
Couldn't agree more.

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding....... -10
You reply, "Where?"......... -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"... -100
Any other response............ -20
You reply "no it's the fat that makes you look fat" - well at least you know they're honest +1

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..........+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"............................-100
You have fallen asleep.........-200 [/B][/QUOTE]
Again, you have remarkably high expectations. Are you terminally disappointed or should I move to your neighbourhood? ;)

[ladyhawk]

Hey Fluffy,
Actually a male friend sent that to me.
I thought it was hysterical.

[Andy Murray]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy
his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the
Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the
itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and
Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to
the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY........





Pay your bills!!!!!

[ladyhawk]

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know
the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Diets & Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[dragon_duplicat]

LOL. MY TURN! MY TURN!

[gaz shaw]

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know
the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Diets & Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
nice