pgm316
04-Oct-2002, 02:28 PM
There are some really good ones in this lot, I particularly
like the last one.....Classic!
Subject: Quotations
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
in her car."
Author Unknown.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have
no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural
experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a pervert' I
said,' that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.
My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman
was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the
Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
Unknown.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get
older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle
aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
Robert De Niro
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent
interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't
think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf
said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job
is simply to arrange the meeting."
like the last one.....Classic!
Subject: Quotations
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
in her car."
Author Unknown.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have
no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural
experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a pervert' I
said,' that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.
My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman
was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the
Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
Unknown.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get
older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle
aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
Robert De Niro
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent
interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't
think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf
said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job
is simply to arrange the meeting."