Jim
19-Sep-2002, 01:09 PM
If you want to date my daughter, be aware of my rules:
Rule1. If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as your eyes do not drop below her neckline.
Rule 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sport, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you may expect to have my daughter home, and the only word I need from you on the subject is 'early'.
Rule 6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone oyt with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, balding, dimwitted has-been but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. When I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 8. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Vung Tau. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter safely home then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face in the window is mine.
Rule1. If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as your eyes do not drop below her neckline.
Rule 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sport, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you may expect to have my daughter home, and the only word I need from you on the subject is 'early'.
Rule 6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone oyt with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, balding, dimwitted has-been but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. When I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 8. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Vung Tau. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter safely home then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face in the window is mine.