Stay with him or leave him?

[Dragon_Princess]

Ladies, would you stay with a man if he hits you or handles you roughly although you really do love him?

Men, do y'all think that y'all should control everything little thing in a relationship?

[pesilat]

Originally posted by Dragon_Princess
Ladies, would you stay with a man if he hits you or handles you roughly although you really do love him?

Men, do y'all think that y'all should control everything little thing in a relationship?

If my wife were here, I would ask her to type a response but she's not so I'll give a kind of combined perspective based on our relationship.

In the past, my wife did just that. Her previous 2 husbands were very controlling and manipulative. The first was mentally/emotionally abusive and the 2nd was mentally/emotionally/physically abusive. We've talked about it over the years. The first guy was the father of her son and that had a large part in why she stayed with him as long as she did. The second guy ... at first, it was comfortable ... it was what she was used to (being controlled). Later, she was afraid of what he might do if she left him (he once tried to kill her with a sledge hammer).

When she met me, she was kind of involved with yet another manipulative guy. I intrigued her for a lot of reasons ... but one of them was the fact that I *wasn't* manipulative. She decided that it was about time for her to take the road less traveled (for her, anyway). I'm pretty glad she did :-)

When we first got involved, she actually tried to coerce me into being manipulative. She was doing it subconsciously. I didn't really even notice it until she mentioned it years later. It's just not in my nature. I do my thing and she does her thing and when our things overlap, we do them together.

I'm a *very* firm believer in the adage of, "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." (Albert Camus)

That's how I treat *all* of my relationships.

I think that pretty much sums up my thoughts on it. I have enough trouble keeping my own life in order ... I have no interest in controlling someone elses.

A relationship, IMHO, is a partnership. It's mutual. If I control everything then I'm not benefitting from being in a relationship ... I may as well be by myself. Of course, controlling people *do* get something out of it because they enjoy being in control. My advice to them ... get a blowup doll.

Mike

[Chazz]

From the older perspective to the younger: *LOL* just kidden

I was involved with a girl that was in you place a while back. She was with a guy that hit her when he didnt get his way, kick her when he was mad, and throw things at her when he was bothered. This was her first true love and she didnt want to leave him. At last she did and we got together. Like Mike said in her way she was wanting me to be like him but i was raised better than that. We are no longer together because of that reason but i have watched her go from different people who do her the same way. Not all the time is it only the guy that is to blame but the lady as well. From what i have seen people tend to repeat and follow in the same relationship that they have just left. And for someone leaving a person that hits them alot go back to another who does the same and so on.
In short No one is worth being with if they dont respect you enough to talk to you rather than to hit you. Love hurts but but the pain shouldnt come from the hand.

[pesilat]

Originally posted by chazz982001
We are no longer together because of that reason but i have watched her go from different people who do her the same way. Not all the time is it only the guy that is to blame but the lady as well. From what i have seen people tend to repeat and follow in the same relationship that they have just left. And for someone leaving a person that hits them alot go back to another who does the same and so on.
In short No one is worth being with if they dont respect you enough to talk to you rather than to hit you. Love hurts but but the pain shouldnt come from the hand.

LOL ... yup. Well put.

I had a situation like that too. Dated a girl who, when I met her, she had no self-respect. Her previous beau had really twisted her around mentally and emotionally.

She and I dated for a while. She broke up with me. At the time, she said it was because I was too "clingly and dependant ... like a little puppy."

We remained friends, though and, several years later, she told me that she'd actually broken up with me because I was too nice. She didn't know how to handle a guy who treated her well.

After she broke up with me, she went right back to putzes. Gradually, though, she started realizing that there were advantages to dating nice guys. I haven't talked to her in about a year. Last time I did, she was dating a guy who seemed pretty cool (I only met him once, so I could be wrong).

Anyway ... sometimes being a nice guy can be a pain in the keester ... but, on the other hand, I can't complain. I think the woman I've wound up with is the best woman in the world (for me, anyway :)

Later, Mike

[Chazz]

"Anyway ... sometimes being a nice guy can be a pain in the keester "

True that.... Ive lost 2 girls like that because they didnt know how to act with a guy who could treat them right. Oh well thats life. *LOL*

[waya]

I am bad about control. I don't "want" to control anything, but I grew up in a military environment, then enlisted, so it's an ingrained attitude, so sometimes I have to be put in my place lol.

I have seen alot of domestic abuse issues, and also been on the receiving end from a female I was involved with who ended up stabbing me in the ear during an argument.

Personally I don't believe it is right for any person to control another, male or female. And it is far from acceptable to resort to physical violence. It is so much easier just to say goodbye before it gets to that point.

My former TKD instructor is going through this right now. Friday before last her husband (an instructor under her, and a [police officer) nearly beat her to death. Thankfully she escaped with medium injuries and is ok, but it is still stupid that he even did it in the first place.

Rob

[pgm316]

Originally posted by chazz982001
"Anyway ... sometimes being a nice guy can be a pain in the keester "

True that.... Ive lost 2 girls like that because they didnt know how to act with a guy who could treat them right. Oh well thats life. *LOL*

How did you manage to loose two through being too nice!? True that women do go for the bad boy image, the imposing confident type. Don't think it means they have to beat them though!!!!

But it goes both ways, I wouldn't stay with a violent women. You don't need other people psychological problems

[ladyhawk]

It is often easier to just accept a situation then to have the courage to do something about it. Well meaning friends can offer
moral support but your physical and emotional well being depends on you making your mind up, taking a stand and following your heart.

[Dragon_Princess]

Thanks for all of the replies. But, i must tell you that it isn't me who is in the situation. Definitely not me! It's a friend of mine. She is stubborn when she's crazy over someone. Ugh!

[Chazz]

Originally posted by pgm316


How did you manage to loose two through being too nice!? True that women do go for the bad boy image, the imposing confident type. Don't think it means they have to beat them though!!!!



The two that i was with came from abusive relationships. Always being told what to do and they slowly tried to make me into what they left and i didnt go that way.

[pesilat]

Originally posted by pgm316


How did you manage to loose two through being too nice!? True that women do go for the bad boy image, the imposing confident type. Don't think it means they have to beat them though!!!!

But it goes both ways, I wouldn't stay with a violent women. You don't need other people psychological problems

The sad thing is that I think what they're really going for is the "confident" type ... it's the "imposing" part that gets them in trouble.

My wife says that one of the things she finds most attractive about me (aside from my stud-muffin body ... j/k :p ) is my confidence. She said, "You always seem to know exactly where you're going and what you're doing. Even when you're lost and confused."

At least ... I took it as a compliment :)

But, really, I think that looking for the "bad boy" image is a matter of maturity (not necessarily age ... some mature younger than others).

Another facet of this is when a woman gets involved with a lowlife (I know ... it's a judgmental pronoun, but that's my opinion of the type of man we're discussing) ... sometimes it's a maternal instinct. They think that they can help the loser. That they can change him. They treat the beatings they receive the same as they would a six year old's tantrum, "He didn't really mean to hurt me. He was just upset."

I can't claim to understand this ... but I have seen it happen enough (and had the opportunity to talk to the woman about the why of her decisions) that I know it's a common theme.

And, of course, just like some people seek to be in control, there are people who seek to be controlled.


I traveled the world and the seas.
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to be used by you.

Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

Sweet dreams are made of these.
Who am I to disagree?



Mike

[dragon_duplicat]

Let him go baby and step to a real man. You and your friend.

[Andy Murray]

Ah Mike, that'd be Annie Lennox from Glasgow, though I think the first line should have been 'seven' seas.

[pesilat]

Originally posted by Andy Murray
Ah Mike, that'd be Annie Lennox from Glasgow, though I think
the first line should have been 'seven' seas.

Yup. You're absolutely right ... and I intended to type "seven" ... I think my fingers got ahead of my brain :)

And, yes, I intended to identify the source of the quote ... something else that got past me ... I had just returned from several hours of hiking in the sun here in Arizona ... I should have taken my nap *before* checking my e-mail/discussion groups.

Mike

[darlph]

I have seen women who think they are in love and let the guy almost kill them. They lie to their family and friends and try to hide the marks. Those marks are not just physical... they are mental also. We have a tendency to think that we need a man or we are not complete and we think something is wrong with us. We are losers, at least that is what we think. What were we told as we grew up... get married and live happily ever after that is what happiness and being somebody is.
As women, once we fall into the rut of having a guy beating our brains out that's what we think love is. The next guy will fit that mold until we seek support and help from our family and friends and I hate say professionals. Has anybody told you that' he's not good for you' and then when he's gone you say 'why didn't you tell me'.
Think about this, to love is to protect not harm. Are you there because you feel you can't make it on your own? Remember, you were on your own before he had a relationship with you. You are someone., Dragon Princess !!!

[dragon_duplicat]

LEAVE BABY LEAVE!!!

[Dragon_Princess]

Whoa!

[fluffydoc]

Leave him. Even if you do love him, he clearly doesn't love or respect you, you're not going to change him and you only get to live your life once.

[Chazz]

Well what did you do with him. Are you still with him or did you leave him? and tell us why ?

[Freeform]

There's the door, use it!

[Chazz]

Ide like to know what the status between them is now. Did we make a difference?

[darlph]

I'm with Chazz, Are you still with him or what? We make our own destinies through our own choices. And like my father once told me, "you made it without it before, why not now?"

[wayofthedragon]

My Princess, do i know the couple that u speak of in this thread?If so, did they go to our high school? A simple yes or no will do. YOu can explain the details later (Ofcourse I'm just being nosy:D )

On a serious note, I suggest she takes a sekf defence clase, or some sort of martial arts and supprise his butt the next time he raises his hands to hit her. has she ever thought about that. Why not mention it too her
:confused:

[darlph]

Check out the new mag Self Defense for Women Vol 2. It has a decent article in it about relationships, how to identify abusive behavior patterns in your partner. Also some of the other articles about looking like a victim and such aren't too bad either.

[fluffydoc]

Originally posted by wayofthedragon
On a serious note, I suggest she takes a sekf defence clase, or some sort of martial arts and supprise his butt the next time he raises his hands to hit her.

I'm not sure your quick-fix solution is grounded in reality. I'd be quick to advise any of my friends that taking up a martial art will not instantly give her the skills to avoid a beating. Surely the best advice you could give to someone you care about is to get out of that situation. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter a damn if she "surprises his butt" but it does matter if she gets hospitalised and used to feeling like a victim.

[darlph]

Fluffy, I hope you read earlier suggestions. I did not say take up the Martial arts or it was a quick fix. Hopefully this person will get out of the situation and possibly get some help in not falling into the same rut with some one else, thinking it's "love". Sometimes an solution is right in front of you all the time and you do not see it unless you see it from another angle.
Most girls are told "don't have sex till you get married", then "you marry the guy you love" sex=love. It's not until you reach an older age that you look back and say "that's screwed-up thinking." But that comes after the mistakes we've made.
The best "martial arts" advice to give her is not be in the situation at all and protect herself mentally, phyically as best she can. Not the Burning Bed thing. But we're human .........
If she continues to let her life and mind be jeporadised, she probably will not be around for long either way.
I'm still curious, is she still with him?
ps read page 1

[mattsylvester]

Hiya,

If a man beats a woman or a woman beats a man then the beaten partner should leave everytime because if the person beating them loved or respected them then they wouldn't be beating them.

[mattsylvester]

Originally posted by darlph
Fluffy, I hope you read earlier suggestions. I did not say take up the Martial arts or it was a quick fix. Hopefully this person will get out of the situation and possibly get some help in not falling into the same rut with some one else, thinking it's "love". Sometimes an solution is right in front of you all the time and you do not see it unless you see it from another angle.
Most girls are told "don't have sex till you get married", then "you marry the guy you love" sex=love. It's not until you reach an older age that you look back and say "that's screwed-up thinking." But that comes after the mistakes we've made.
The best "martial arts" advice to give her is not be in the situation at all and protect herself mentally, phyically as best she can. Not the Burning Bed thing. But we're human .........
If she continues to let her life and mind be jeporadised, she probably will not be around for long either way.
I'm still curious, is she still with him?
ps read page 1

It would be nice if sex=love was true though wouldn't it?

[fluffydoc]

Originally posted by darlph
Fluffy, I hope you read earlier suggestions.

I was replying to wayofthedragon's post, not yours darlph! And yes, I did read the whole thread before replying.

The articles mentioned in your post sounded sensible but sadly probably won't be read by the women that would benefit most from them.

[Dragon_Princess]

thanks everyone. i will update about her.

[Acekicken]

If it's not 50/50 realation ship it won't work

If there is fisicle Violence Then there is no love.

Now Wrestling is diferent
That keeps things fun
But to hurt is not love.

[Dragon_Princess]

:)