Slindsay
15-May-2007, 08:11 PM
Spider Man 3
Stephen Lindsay
I have to say i went to this film hoping to enjoy it, I really wanted to enjoy it, I yearned to enjoy it, in the end though I was left feeling... nothing. I certainly didn't enjoy the film but at the same time I couldn't get myself to be annoyed with the film either, it's like trying to have feelings about a table.
For those that haven't seen it, heres Steve's quick synopsis: Spiderman returns to fight against three different villains in a lacklustre outing which feels like 3 major plot lines were written by 3 people* in separate rooms with no communication**. The film kicks off with Peter Parker on top of the world, but (Shockingly) by the midpoint he's scraping the bottom of the barrel. Will he break free and save the day? Well, yes, it's a superhero film, thats what HAPPENS in superhero movies.
And therein lies a major problem: what happens in this film is predictable. Within ten minutes I was calling the outcome of every single scene with a near hundred percent hit rate, I mean my god the scriptwriters could have been copying script from any of a million other films***, it was that predictable and cliched, at points I was left wondering if I had seen the film before and somehow forgot about it. Each scene had one purpose and one purpose alone, i can see the first drafts now:
Scene 32
Establish Peter is angry
Scene 33
Peter pushes MJ away from him
Scene 34
Token comedy for pre teens moment
But that isn't the biggest problem, the biggest problem in my mind are the gaping plot holes.
Between our four major super powered beings (Including Spidey), only one of them manages to go through the whole film without an obvious "Whaaaa?" moment.
Whether it's Spidey just happening to be the first person ON EARTH to encounter a strange alien symbiote with no explanation as to this six billion to one fluke, or Sandman coming into existence as a convicted criminal waltzes into a high security particle physics research facility BY ACCIDENT while running from the police, the film is riddled with "What are the odds?" moments that soon have you rolling your eyes.
Oh and theres a few minor annoyances besides that, namely:
1. MJ is ugly, seriously, forget the MJ you knew, I can honestly say, at no point in this film did I find this woman attractive.
2. A large part of the plot is completely reliant on two characters acting, well, out of character. Peter completely neglects MJ, MJ acts like a whiny 16 year old, it's stupid, Spiderman's a nice guy, MJ is a strong competent woman, in this film they act like soap stars!
3. If this is supposed to be a darker, more adult themed film, why is it that over the course of the whole film, less people die or get injured than do in the Lion king? (Oh yes, I'm serious, count 'em if you don't believe me)
4. Spidey's spidey sense isn't. I counted at least three points in this film where Spidey gets jumped, not once does he have a premonition.
5. This leads us neatly into the fact that he is inhumanly, ridiculously tough, remind me which Spider power was the one which lets him get thrown through a skyscraper or smashed with a car sized fist fist full of breeze blocks about thirty times again cos I forget?
Add to that the fact the expensive CGI leaves you feeling sick and at one serious point in the film I broke into giggles, pop a splash of "Cheesy running in front of American flag", mix in some "Why did that work this time if it didn't last time?" and finally drop in a dash of "Just bone the other girl, forget MJ!" and you have the recipe for producing homicidal rage in a large percentage of your viewers.
In summary, this is a bad film, very bad, the CGI guys need to read up on motion sickness, the people in charge of the script need to be shot**** and the guy in charge of the plot, well he needs to be taught at least the bare basics of probability.
On the upside, I've now managed to summon up quite a bit of anger towards the film.
1/4 Stars
* Or, more likely, emotionless computers programmed through watching Neighbours and the old Superman movies
** Network connection
*** Re-using object oriented code
**** Reformatted
Stephen Lindsay
I have to say i went to this film hoping to enjoy it, I really wanted to enjoy it, I yearned to enjoy it, in the end though I was left feeling... nothing. I certainly didn't enjoy the film but at the same time I couldn't get myself to be annoyed with the film either, it's like trying to have feelings about a table.
For those that haven't seen it, heres Steve's quick synopsis: Spiderman returns to fight against three different villains in a lacklustre outing which feels like 3 major plot lines were written by 3 people* in separate rooms with no communication**. The film kicks off with Peter Parker on top of the world, but (Shockingly) by the midpoint he's scraping the bottom of the barrel. Will he break free and save the day? Well, yes, it's a superhero film, thats what HAPPENS in superhero movies.
And therein lies a major problem: what happens in this film is predictable. Within ten minutes I was calling the outcome of every single scene with a near hundred percent hit rate, I mean my god the scriptwriters could have been copying script from any of a million other films***, it was that predictable and cliched, at points I was left wondering if I had seen the film before and somehow forgot about it. Each scene had one purpose and one purpose alone, i can see the first drafts now:
Scene 32
Establish Peter is angry
Scene 33
Peter pushes MJ away from him
Scene 34
Token comedy for pre teens moment
But that isn't the biggest problem, the biggest problem in my mind are the gaping plot holes.
Between our four major super powered beings (Including Spidey), only one of them manages to go through the whole film without an obvious "Whaaaa?" moment.
Whether it's Spidey just happening to be the first person ON EARTH to encounter a strange alien symbiote with no explanation as to this six billion to one fluke, or Sandman coming into existence as a convicted criminal waltzes into a high security particle physics research facility BY ACCIDENT while running from the police, the film is riddled with "What are the odds?" moments that soon have you rolling your eyes.
Oh and theres a few minor annoyances besides that, namely:
1. MJ is ugly, seriously, forget the MJ you knew, I can honestly say, at no point in this film did I find this woman attractive.
2. A large part of the plot is completely reliant on two characters acting, well, out of character. Peter completely neglects MJ, MJ acts like a whiny 16 year old, it's stupid, Spiderman's a nice guy, MJ is a strong competent woman, in this film they act like soap stars!
3. If this is supposed to be a darker, more adult themed film, why is it that over the course of the whole film, less people die or get injured than do in the Lion king? (Oh yes, I'm serious, count 'em if you don't believe me)
4. Spidey's spidey sense isn't. I counted at least three points in this film where Spidey gets jumped, not once does he have a premonition.
5. This leads us neatly into the fact that he is inhumanly, ridiculously tough, remind me which Spider power was the one which lets him get thrown through a skyscraper or smashed with a car sized fist fist full of breeze blocks about thirty times again cos I forget?
Add to that the fact the expensive CGI leaves you feeling sick and at one serious point in the film I broke into giggles, pop a splash of "Cheesy running in front of American flag", mix in some "Why did that work this time if it didn't last time?" and finally drop in a dash of "Just bone the other girl, forget MJ!" and you have the recipe for producing homicidal rage in a large percentage of your viewers.
In summary, this is a bad film, very bad, the CGI guys need to read up on motion sickness, the people in charge of the script need to be shot**** and the guy in charge of the plot, well he needs to be taught at least the bare basics of probability.
On the upside, I've now managed to summon up quite a bit of anger towards the film.
1/4 Stars
* Or, more likely, emotionless computers programmed through watching Neighbours and the old Superman movies
** Network connection
*** Re-using object oriented code
**** Reformatted