Bidding For A Beating

[Greyghost]

Found this on another website......laughed for ages........


Winning bid receives an ass-kicking from me personally. I am 6'0" and weigh over 230 lbs. If you win this auction, I will personally come to your house and kick your ass. I guarantee that I will not break any bones or kill you, nor will I use any weapons on you, but I will give you a good beating. I will do this under two conditions:

1) You or anyone else does not press charges against me(after all, you bought the ass-kicking),
2) You do not fight back or attempt to physically harm me in any other manner (this is your ass getting kicked, not mine).

Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.

Upon my arrival, I will select a random time to come over and kick your ass. It may be when you are sleeping, or showering, or any other time during the day/night when you are most vulnerable. During this beating I may damage one or more of your household items, if I have to break glass to get into your home or knock over furniture if you attempt to run from me. This should be expected by you, and covered in my expenses. If you are married or have children, I may choose to slap around your family a little bit, but only if I'm feeling particularly generous. They should be informed of this, and expect it as well.

Bidding starts at one cent ($0.01) but remember the winner must pay all expenses for my travel if they wish for me to come and kick their ass.

I will accept check, money order, or Paypal. Or you could just let me use your valid credit card for a few days and we'll call it even.

feel free to start the bidding.........

[khafra]

That's just strange, in a very odd way. I had to re-read it a couple times; I kept expecting it to make some kind of sense. But that's stranger than my shoulder-elf, Tiferet.

[LilBunnyRabbit]

You find it strange, and then you hear on the radio this morning that someone in New York has started a service where they will forcibly abduct you for a small fee, within a certain time scale.

[khafra]

That's at least comprehensible; just like movies, roller-coasters, or bungee jumping it's simulated danger. A thrill, but little risk. I wouldn't do it, but I understand it. Getting the **** beat out of you isn't simulated danger. It's a real ass-kicking.

[LilBunnyRabbit]

I just think it would be a great birthday present.

[Greyghost]

We had a whip round jimmy...whens your birthday..??????

:D

[LilBunnyRabbit]

Tomorrow, and I live in, uh, Sussex. Near the University. :D

[Melanie]

Hmmm...think I am being set up here....

[LilBunnyRabbit]

Not at all, where exactly do you work again? :D

[Freeform]

Hey GG, you don't need an apprentice beater do you. I've heard from Andy what an excellent beater you are and would like to learn from you. I can cover my own travel expenses.

Yer Pal

Col

[Jim]

Would be pretty interesting if you paid for this, waited around and got anxious during the time scale and got abducted by someone other than those you paid!

Would make an interesting movie anyway.

:)

[Saz]

What if they went to the wrong address? :)

[Melanie]

ckdstudent would get it in the head instead of me! :D

[morphus]

I think the movies been done! But i bet if you advertised this kind offer in national rag some idiot would take it up. Sounds a bit S&M don't it!:D

[Greyghost]

Position of apprentice is now filled colin...welcome to the business.

Well...i've already beaten up mel....as have you .

so we will just wait for the bidding to start.....

(ps...family discounts apply)

[Saz]

I'll start the bidding at 3p... :)

[morphus]

4p and as many sprouts as you can eat!
LOTS OF VITAMINS YOU KNOW!

[Greyghost]

Before the bidding starts ...we need to a potential victim and a method of beating........

[LilBunnyRabbit]

Excuse me? You hit a girl?

Bear with me a second while I get my weapons together. :p

[Greyghost]

why do you need weapons to hit a girl.....????????

Ah...if it was mel.. weapons, a small battalion of well trained troops and a can of skooshy cream is what you need.

ah..well you can try.

[Melanie]

Erm....can we keep away from the cream fellas...this is a martial arts forum afterall...every now and then I would like to be taken reasonably seriously :)

[Andy Murray]

Yeah besides,

Mel has several cans of 'Whupass' in the cupboard, and is labelling them as we speak.

;)

[Silver_no2]

At this point I would like to put in a bid to have myself beaten for not taking Mel seriously enough. I open the bidding at £10. :D

[morphus]

£10.03 and i've still got some sprouts left - first come first served!

[fluffydoc]

GG - what methods of beating are on offer? Here's a few suggestions.

Economy - using half brick found on way to client's house.
Standard - baseball bat
Professional - wrapped in carpet then baseball bat.
Sportsman's - variety of implements; golf clubs, tennis rackets, hockey sticks, fishing rods. Can be tailored to individual requirements for that personal touch.
Deluxe - wrapped in silk sheets then clubbed with magnum of champagne.

Kindest regards...
Fluffy

[Saz]

There could be a Vegatarian method of beating too, using Morphus's sprouts..

[Greyghost]

thinking more in the way of grades:......

White belt: Slightly weak inaccurate punch to stomach
Blue belt: Dodgy front kick to chest ...stance wobbly
Orange belt: decent punch to face followed by waist height turning kick

Green Belt: Turning kick to head , and follow up punch combo...
Yellow Belt: Hand combo to face and stomach.....decent stance.
Purple stance : Flurry of kicks to head and body......stance excellent.

Brown Belt: Amazingly devastating jumping kicks to face, stance amazing.....

Black belt:.....so good ...doesn't have to hit you!!! :woo:

[khafra]

I dunno, but if people are actually going to pay money to be beaten up, I'm going to put up a sale of my own. I'll see how much people will bid for the priviledge of sending me $20...

[Freeform]

I'm all ready for my first day of work GG, what do you suggest that I pack in my kit bag for standard 'tools of the trade'?

Would I have to supply my own weapons or can I just use vases and chairs found in the clients house?

Do I get laundry expenses, or will I have to wrap the client in cling film to protect my clothes? Or maybe I could wrap myself in cling film.....

[Greyghost]

Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick ...i like it...you start monday.!!

[fluffydoc]

Thanks K-girl! I always wondered what sprouts were for when it's not Christmas.

[Freeform]

GG, how many beatings do I have to administer before I can become a Master Beater like yourself. Is there a required number of specialist beatings I have to carry out, or one day do you decide I can beat on my own and you send me on my way?

Thanx

[Greyghost]

Like many jobs there are salary grades....time i gave you a salary increase......

how does 2 tins of beans and a half smoked kipper grab you?


ps...you now have a new title....Beaters apprentice grade 2.

Ps....i hear jimmy is looking for new ways to test his reflexes...fancy springing a free surprise visit?


:woo: :D

[Freeform]

Woohoo, I've got a pay rise.

Lets see Jimmy try to avoid ouR beating once we've wrapped him in cling film.

(Laughing in the style of the evil Capt. Birdseye) WOOHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Spike]

Freeform said:

GG, how many beatings do I have to administer before I can become a Master B(spike removes "e" that was here then ROFL)ater like yourself.

[Greyghost]

spike,

you may never become a master beater.....but you may join as a daredevil beater or as we call them ...

A Cunning Stunt Master Beater.:eek: :eek: :eek:

[Spike]

<awe>

Am i really worthy of that Master?

[Greyghost]

ehhh...no!

but we are a equal opportunity employer........

[Spike]

didn`t think so

<cries>

[Kwajman]

To revive this thread, can we buy an ass beating for someone else. You know, that special gift for someone who has everything already? :D

[marais]

UMMM...I CAN HEAR THE JINGLE ALREADY:
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON KICKIN.ONCE YOU DROP THEY WONT STOP!WHAT A LOT OF SHOTS YOU GOT,ONE IN THE KNEE-ONE IN THE SHIN AND A STRONG LEFT HOOK ON YOUR CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

HE HE HE HE

[Knight_Errant]

Why not set up a simple pay scale?
Punching:5 quid and a sprout
Broken nose:10 quid and 4 sprouts
broken leg:20 quid and a bag of sprouts
the 'big job':100 quid and a whole cauliflower

[booksie_girl]

Originally posted by Kwajman
To revive this thread, can we buy an ass beating for someone else. You know, that special gift for someone who has everything already? :D

Kwaji, are you hinting that you want us to buy you one? :Angel:

[Kwajman]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA, nooooooooooo, not me, I don't want to mess with those kung fu, mma's guys! I can see you and KickChick pooling your change... You made me laugh this morning Booksie, thank you!

[booksie_girl]

:Angel: You're welcome I got.... 3 bucks :D