Melanie
06-Jul-2002, 04:17 PM
BEYOND TECHNIQUE
MARTIAL ARTS AND MARITAL ARTS
BY STEVE ROWE
Excerpt taken with permission from http://www.shikon.com/
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Kahil Gibran's
"The Prophet"
We need to work on our marital arts as much as our martial arts. For instructors this is one of the most difficult barriers to cross when coaching students. If two people love each other then you would think that they would want to do everything to support the other person in improving themselves. Studying the Martial Arts should make the husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a fitter, healthier, more energetic, wise and compassionate partner. It would also make them a good role model for self improvement for their children.
Yet it seems that many have a negative "bargaining" relationship with their partner.
"If you go to martial arts three times a week then I'm going to go out with the girls/boys the same amount!" Or "you are only allowed out once or twice a week!"
You would think that if a partner really wanted to do something positive with their life it would be better to let them do it rather than force your desires on them only to discover years later that they still harboured bad feelings because they were denied the chance to improve themselves.
This is why I quoted Kahil Gibran. Marriage needs to be two people developing themselves. Many give up their identity to become the "other half" (I hate that term!). It becomes the other person's responsibility to make them happy. I can't count the times I've heard he/she doesn't make me happy anymore, when did it become their partner's responsibility? Surely, only they can do that.
Each person has their own journey in life to make; their partner can take a positive role in helping, supporting and encouraging them to fulfil that role. That's a true marital artist! It's good to have someone in your corner, someone that you can share the good and bad times with, someone who is a friend and not just another sparring partner.....
It's sad when you see their faces as you announce another exciting course in foreign climes or when they see all their comrades move up a grade because they did those extra nights training. When they constantly say " I'll have to ask the boss" or "the other half"... It's like when they signed the marriage certificate it was really an indenture for slavery. You can just imagine them sitting at home, miserable as sin watching the clock thinking "I bet they're doing that kata now..." Is that really the "quality time" that their partner wanted?
Of course we understand financial and diary constraints, it seems that most financial and time constrained people accept their lot with equanimity; it's the unsupportive partners that I'm worrying about here. Worrying because whatever happens in their future this will haunt them. Why? Because they won't get the respect from their partners because of their actions - and this is long term damage.
The problem can be that one partner moves forward in their life and the other doesn't. Quite often the "little lady" in a man's life "does her chop suey" much to his and his friends amusement, but then comes the day when she drops him with a wristlock when he's showing his male superiority and the "get out of that" scenario and it all changes. Or she ups her training and is getting fitter and more confident whilst he's still peeing it up with his cronies and he suddenly sees her Martial Arts as a threat.
It's the same with the wife that watches her husband get fitter, stronger and more confident. She suddenly feels threatened by the "new" him and feels inadequate desperately trying to get back the original couch potatoe.
Many young Black Belts discover it adds to their "pulling factor" with the young ladies and they inevitably "pull a cracker" that may never have been able to do before and become besotted. So the pretty girl fancies him because he's a Black Belt but resents him attending the training sessions - she tries attending a few but is bored even more witless by them and starts to conspire to dominate his time. He's young and has never had such a good bit of arm candy in his life so gives in to her. He stops training in the end and she dumps him because he's "changed" and wasn't the man she first met! A familiar scenario to any long term instructor!
A Martial Artist is a special person. We tend to be very independent people and therefore need to be partnered to the same type. I think that what is good for one person also should be good for both. If you expect to be supported to go on those courses and extra training sessions then your partner should be supported to go on theirs - whatever their path is.
"Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup".
Be independent and both have something to contribute to the relationship.
"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts."
We each have our own destiny to fulfil in this life and we can love and help each other but not live the same life - that's impossible. When you meet couples who became two halves, they are inevitably shadows of what they should have been. We are separate beings whether we like it or not.
"And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Two strong, individual people can support a good relationship like the "pillars of the temple" supporting the temple/relationship and like the oak tree and the cypress theycan stand on their own and don't need to be in each others shadow. They are together because they CHOOSE to be together, not because they have to.
I think that a lot of trouble can be avoided if the instructors' pre frame the students to what can happen. The student needs to be able to communicate with their partner and if possible grow together with them and/or point out the benefits of Martial Arts study.
They need to be just as skilled in their marital arts as their Martial Arts using their Martial Arts as a strategy for a balanced love and life.
MARTIAL ARTS AND MARITAL ARTS
BY STEVE ROWE
Excerpt taken with permission from http://www.shikon.com/
Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Kahil Gibran's
"The Prophet"
We need to work on our marital arts as much as our martial arts. For instructors this is one of the most difficult barriers to cross when coaching students. If two people love each other then you would think that they would want to do everything to support the other person in improving themselves. Studying the Martial Arts should make the husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a fitter, healthier, more energetic, wise and compassionate partner. It would also make them a good role model for self improvement for their children.
Yet it seems that many have a negative "bargaining" relationship with their partner.
"If you go to martial arts three times a week then I'm going to go out with the girls/boys the same amount!" Or "you are only allowed out once or twice a week!"
You would think that if a partner really wanted to do something positive with their life it would be better to let them do it rather than force your desires on them only to discover years later that they still harboured bad feelings because they were denied the chance to improve themselves.
This is why I quoted Kahil Gibran. Marriage needs to be two people developing themselves. Many give up their identity to become the "other half" (I hate that term!). It becomes the other person's responsibility to make them happy. I can't count the times I've heard he/she doesn't make me happy anymore, when did it become their partner's responsibility? Surely, only they can do that.
Each person has their own journey in life to make; their partner can take a positive role in helping, supporting and encouraging them to fulfil that role. That's a true marital artist! It's good to have someone in your corner, someone that you can share the good and bad times with, someone who is a friend and not just another sparring partner.....
It's sad when you see their faces as you announce another exciting course in foreign climes or when they see all their comrades move up a grade because they did those extra nights training. When they constantly say " I'll have to ask the boss" or "the other half"... It's like when they signed the marriage certificate it was really an indenture for slavery. You can just imagine them sitting at home, miserable as sin watching the clock thinking "I bet they're doing that kata now..." Is that really the "quality time" that their partner wanted?
Of course we understand financial and diary constraints, it seems that most financial and time constrained people accept their lot with equanimity; it's the unsupportive partners that I'm worrying about here. Worrying because whatever happens in their future this will haunt them. Why? Because they won't get the respect from their partners because of their actions - and this is long term damage.
The problem can be that one partner moves forward in their life and the other doesn't. Quite often the "little lady" in a man's life "does her chop suey" much to his and his friends amusement, but then comes the day when she drops him with a wristlock when he's showing his male superiority and the "get out of that" scenario and it all changes. Or she ups her training and is getting fitter and more confident whilst he's still peeing it up with his cronies and he suddenly sees her Martial Arts as a threat.
It's the same with the wife that watches her husband get fitter, stronger and more confident. She suddenly feels threatened by the "new" him and feels inadequate desperately trying to get back the original couch potatoe.
Many young Black Belts discover it adds to their "pulling factor" with the young ladies and they inevitably "pull a cracker" that may never have been able to do before and become besotted. So the pretty girl fancies him because he's a Black Belt but resents him attending the training sessions - she tries attending a few but is bored even more witless by them and starts to conspire to dominate his time. He's young and has never had such a good bit of arm candy in his life so gives in to her. He stops training in the end and she dumps him because he's "changed" and wasn't the man she first met! A familiar scenario to any long term instructor!
A Martial Artist is a special person. We tend to be very independent people and therefore need to be partnered to the same type. I think that what is good for one person also should be good for both. If you expect to be supported to go on those courses and extra training sessions then your partner should be supported to go on theirs - whatever their path is.
"Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup".
Be independent and both have something to contribute to the relationship.
"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts."
We each have our own destiny to fulfil in this life and we can love and help each other but not live the same life - that's impossible. When you meet couples who became two halves, they are inevitably shadows of what they should have been. We are separate beings whether we like it or not.
"And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Two strong, individual people can support a good relationship like the "pillars of the temple" supporting the temple/relationship and like the oak tree and the cypress theycan stand on their own and don't need to be in each others shadow. They are together because they CHOOSE to be together, not because they have to.
I think that a lot of trouble can be avoided if the instructors' pre frame the students to what can happen. The student needs to be able to communicate with their partner and if possible grow together with them and/or point out the benefits of Martial Arts study.
They need to be just as skilled in their marital arts as their Martial Arts using their Martial Arts as a strategy for a balanced love and life.