Stalking

[KickChick]

So what eaxactly is "stalking".

Stalking has been mentioned in another thread here on the forum http://www.martialartsplanet.com/forums/showthread.php?p=686772#post686772 .... and I would like to address this here.

Stalking is a series of actions that puts a woman (or man) in fear of their safety. The stalker may follow you, harass you, call you on the telephone, watch your house, send you mail you don't want, or act in some other way that threatens your feeling of security.

There are various laws against stalking depending on where in the world you live. You need to check in your area if in fact you are protected by such a law.
ANY unwanted contact between a stalker and their victim which directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can generally be referred to as "stalking"


Stalking is a serious, potentially life-threatening crime. Even in its less severe forms, it permanently changes the lives of the people who are victimized

This is considered a fairly new crime in certain parts of the world and law enforcement is just beginning to understand how to deal with this.

Stalking is more common than you might think, although it is hard to get accurate figures because law enforcement organizations have only recently started keeping records. But as many as 1.4 million Americans are stalked each year and that 1 in 20 women will become targets of stalking behavior at least once during their lifetimes. Many men are also stalked I might add.

Some of the most dangerous stalkers give little or no warning before they attack their victim. They may change behavior over time and escalate the frequency or the intensity of their threats. Ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands who stalk are often violent.

Some people who are being stalked are more afraid than they need to be, and others are not as afraid as they should be!

If you feel you are being stalked or feel that you could be in possible danger ..... report this to the police and keep a very careful log of every incident and every situation.

Some helpfulweb site links:

Are you Being Stalked? (http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs14-stk.htm)

Stalking Safety Plan (http://www.helpandhealing.org/Stalking%20Safety%20Plan.htm)

Stalking Resource Center (http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_Register204)

The Anti-Stalking Web Site (http://www.vaw.umn.edu/library/stalk/)

[Lucy O'Malley]

That has given me even more to worry about....it is going to take me half the day just performing all the relevant safety checks.

Only Joking :) It is all spot on information. And quite possibly something we should all be aware of even prior to a stalking encounter. As not all stalkings ocurr over long periods of time (giving you time to have a plan put in place).

If they already know what result they wish to attain from their behaviour it could all be over in a couple of days and you will have no prior knowledge that it is going to ocurr and the result that they were looking for may not be just to give you a scare. You will not have time to have all the essentials from the list put into place.

Even getting into the habit of performing some of the basic checks is just simple self defence that perhaps should be carried out anyway. Whether under threat or not.

But as KungFuGrrrl has already said to me, you cannot walk round in constant fear that it is going to happen.

I just feel some actions and awareness are common sense and should be a consideration and part of a routine anyway, like not just opening your door without any thought and parking in unlit areas etc.

Some people think stalking is a gutless act and also nothing to worry about.
Bare in mind that in some circumstances the victim does not know who it is and does not know what they are after, how big they are what it is going to lead to. They are aiming to make you a prisoner in your own home and in many cases to be in fear of your life in and out of the home. This is not to be taken lightly.

One thing I would like to say though...I read somewhere else (cannot remember which thread) that women that walk round with no confidence and their heads down are more likely to become a victim. Perhaps this would be the obvious suggestion and in some circumstances they may well have been chosen for this reason, but I think alot of stalking begins because they are too scared to approach and interact with a person that they may feel is a strong character. So they follow or phone the person instead and my experience of this in both my stalkings was that their intention was mainly to break my confidence, because I am happy go lucky and confident. Not the apparent typical victim.

But many stalkings do lead to violence as they start to loose the power/hold they thought they had over their victim.

And one last point people may not consider.....my recent stalker, pretended to be 2 different people. The stalker and a mate of the stalker who wanted to help. I did not fall for it, but I could easily see someone else would have, as he was very sincere and even called me up for a long concerning chat about his sick friend who was capable of anything. You know...he was going to help me by getting him to stop and he thought he was wrong doing this bla bla bla. Trying to tell me what his mate will prbably do next and what i should do. Basically trying to lure me in under a false sense of security. Perhaps this is something to be taken into consideration by others.

Anyway, I think the resources in this thread are valuable to all. And also useful for general awareness and self protection.

Lots of love :love:

Lucy

[Playful Giant]

If you feel that you are being stalked (UK laws here), please seek advice from your local crime prevention officer. Do not feel that reporting this is silly or wasting police time - you are entitled to protection.

Restraining orders and ASBO's are quite easy to achieve (providing a person is stalking you and not just getting the same bus coincidentally as you every morning!!)

[Kwajman]

If I write you a love letter, its stalking.....


If Johnny Depp writes you a love letter, its wonderful.....

[KickChick]

what??? :confused: :bang:


So you are saying it depends "who" you are which constitutes whether your actions are considered stalking? Utter nonsense

[Sgt_Major]

I tend to agree here KC. I think it is more apt to suggest their relationship to you and your percieved relationship to them is an indicator, rather than a simple who tho'

[Playful Giant]

I tend to agree here KC. I think it is more apt to suggest their relationship to you and your percieved relationship to them is an indicator, rather than a simple who tho'

I'm sorry but I agree with Kickchick here. It doesn't matter who is stalking you. Stalking is stalking.

As a guy, even I feel it creepy to think of someone stalking me. I imagine it's not to nice for a woman (sorry if that's sexist) walking home late at night, knowing someone is out there

No-one has the right to toy with your fears and make your life hell

[Sgt_Major]

No-one has the right to toy with your fears and make your life hell

Im gonna disagree with that, but Im divulging no more, I just feel circumstances can and do dictate behavioural patterns.

i think 'stalking' is being used as a catch-all phrase here. As kwaj was saying, is sending a devoted love letter to someone who doesnt know who its from stalking? I think not. Is it stalking if they DO know who its from, I think not.

What if the 'stalkee' says no, and they send another letter? Stalking? Maybe.

its the PERCIEVED relationship between 2 people that determines if it is stalking or not.

[KickChick]

I've included some links above. I suggest you read up on stalking rather than make assumptions as to whether doing this or doing that constitutes stalking.

Receiving a series of unrequited love letters is a bit eerie to me.... same goes for any cyber stalking (which many females I am sure have had experienced)
More on that here http://www.cyberangels.org

Remember our children can be stalked as well..... which I believe is far more of a serious offense

[Playful Giant]

I think sending a love letter and labelling yourself anon is most definately not stalking!!

That is not the same as sending one week after week. Stalking is usually defined by the person being stalked. If they say that they do not want the attention and the person persists, that is stalking.

[wrydolphin]

Its not exactly a question of action as much as intensity and intent. If you send a letter because you like them, that's one thing. If you continue to send letters when someone askes you not to and try to manipulate them, that's a whole other kettle of fish.

What you guys are thinking about seems to fall more into "sexual harrassment" which is something else all together, and much fuzzier.

[Guizzy]

The very concept of stalking is something a lot of guys have trouble with, because situations often force us to follow quickly a woman through dark alleys at night (not willingly).

You see, fear has become so prevalent in our society that men are often afraid to frighten women. The media portrays stalkers as being everywhere, and that a woman should be wary of any men that seem to follow her at night.

But if it happens that I'm in a hurry and that my destination is simply close to her's (or on the way)? It just so happen that I have to walk quickly behind them!

So I say down with the stalker hype! I have the right to walk on the street just as everyone!

For a nice humourous movie on this subject, check this short: Stalker Guilt Syndrome (http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/atom_174)

[KickChick]

Stalking is defined as "the willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person" (Meloy, 1998). Not just the one time following closely behind another individual on a dark path .... (we are taught to be aware of such individuals in Womens SD classes so Guizzy don't feel slighted .... you should know better )


These are true stalking behaviours
http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/definiti.htm
http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/howto.htm

[WingChun Lawyer]

Incidentally, I was stalked by a girl some years ago. We made up, I did not want anything to do with her later. Phone calls, gifts, unexpected visits, asking the doorman of my building if I was in and if I had a girlfriend and then running away...creepy.

I also knew of a girl who suffered it. But frankly, Glen Close aside, I do not believe men are so scared by that kind of thing as the ladies (and with good reason, I might add).

[Sgt_Major]

I was stalked by an ex-girlfriend. She started showing up at events I was at that she wouldnt go to with me, and showing up outside my next girlfriends house when I was there....

Long story short I had to 'have words' with her, it stopped then.

[Lucy O'Malley]

Here is what I wrote in another thread, I feel is relevant here. My experience of being stalked for 2 years:

I was stalked for 2 years when I was 15 to 17. Someone began by phoning my house a couple of times here and there and progressed to 4 times a day. He could even tell my mum and me apart on the phone, which many of her own sister's cannot do, so when she answered he hung up.

Sometimes he was polite and other times quite nasty and on other occasions extremely perverse. At first it was worrying and my parents called the police to no avail. They did not want to know and said probably some kids prank. Great help.

Then it became so frequent that the whole family got used to it.

He implied he was alot older than myself but did not seem to know me personally.

Then came the day, my mum answered and he asked for me by name, my mum panicked, called the Police and advised this had been going on for 6 months...again, they done nothing.

Then he started telling me, where I had been, what I was wearing, what he thought of me etc, etc. The Police still would not do anything.

My parents hardly let me out after dark....fully understandable now but at the time I was so angry.

It got to the point that I felt unsafe, even on a crowded bus. This person was apparently following me everywhere. He always had details correct so I had no doubt he was. But what do you do, when you start suspecting everyone that looks at you in a public place.

And in my opinion, anyone who is willing to go to these great lengths is capable of rape.

I ended up walking round ready to kick ass at any moment. But it went on for so long that I even started to laugh about it and sometimes forget about it.....worrying eh. That could have been his opportunity. Wait for me to let my guard down. I soon realised I was doing this.

I ended up having to get my head around it and have a middle ground, where I got on with things as best I could, but was also on guard and ready for anything. And basically did not go out after dark. As the police still happily, did nothing.

But low and behold, a little innocent girl with an influential dad got 2 phonecalls from the same guy, they called the police and they traced the 3rd call and caught him. Lucky for me they came round my house to tell me they done their job for someone else and they suspect it was the same guy. It turned out to be a complete dweeb that I did know. The quiet one, no-one spoke to. He got a years sychiatric help. Less time that what I suffered for, but hey, I have become a better person for it.

This was what led me to start martial arts when I left home to live on my own at 18.

This I deffinately call stalking. And I would like to add, I told him over and over, his calls and attention was not wanted. And where possible did not answer the phone and did hang up on him repeatedly.

But sometimes you feel you have to answer the phone when other members of your family are out as it could be them needing help. Also I sometimes listened to what he had to say, so i could get an idea of where his mind was at....had he excelled to another level of anger???

Lots of love :love:

Lucy

[Lucy O'Malley]

And just bad luck I guess, this is my second most recent experience of stalking:

Recently again in my life, I have been stalked. This time by texting and phone calls (although he never speaks). This one was able to state that he saw me with my children in town and what day it was on. Which told me, he knew me, but I did not know who he was. Again the Police were not prepared to do anything, So I managed to get enough details out of the person to find out a location and an address.....possibly not his, but none the less I told the police I was going round and I was not prepared to go though this again in my life for 2 years. They promptly sent an oficer round to tell us not to do anything and they took on the case. They have now arrested 2 people, but I still do not know if he is watching me in town. I very rarely take my kids with me now, as this time I want to use my martial arts training as I am ready for him. I now have to be careful coming home as he could follow me, as currently we do not think he knows where I live. The Police think he was just pushed over the edge by a recent break up with his girlfriend, but they will not tell me who he is as I do not know him and until i say his name, they cannot confirm it. So I have to walk around not knowing. The Police are once again astounding me.

I am sorry, as I said before next step rape....it is a power trip. When it stops working they take the next step.

Again I will add, the first 2 texts that I received, I just thought someone was kidding around, did not think much of it, by the 3rd I realised I wasn't sure after asking who he was and getting no answer, then I said I was not interested and it got worse.

In excess of 150 texts and calls later he was not resting and brought a so called second person into the picture calling and texting as his friend.

After the 3rd text I ignored the rest but he persisted anyway and sometimes late at night sounded quite nasty, probably after a beer or something.

He has been caught, but obviously just charged and awaiting court hearing, so he is still out and about. And even then he proabably won't be put away, a slap on the wrist is deemed appropriate in this cases.

It has also been confirmed, that I do not know him...so why me? We don't know.

I will say though, once the Police reluctantly took the case on it was dealt with very seriously and quickly and he was apprehended within a couple of weeks. He had 4 phones and a blueberry (if that is what it is called) a texting machine thing. Even when locked up they thought they had searched his house and had everything...he continued to text....he had a really small phone one down his sock. He was desperate to carry on even after being arrested. Probably though being locked up would be his alibi.

He also had been doing it to his ex girlfriend at the same time and had been sitting in her garden all night watching her and smashed all their windows and cars up.

This I also call stalking.

I think in both cases, I done everything I could to avoid the situation continuing....but they just were not listening as they had other plans.

But I suppose I have been lucky, both were caught.

Lots of love :love:

Lucy

[Playful Giant]

Man oh man that is just out of order.

I must admit sometimes it's hard to let go of someone you care about. I've been dumped by evil women but something inside makes you long for them. Those who persist in phoning them, chasing them down the road, etc are out of line.

Heartbreak is hard to deal with, but you should never stalk someone. They have said they don't want you, live with it!

[KickChick]

There was a good piece on the ABC news program PrimeTime last night concerning college stalking on campuses here in the US.

Seems there is one university that had 2 instances of stalkings which ended up with the female students being murdered. There is a high incidence of such crimes on campus however some of these instances do not get reported by the schools for obvious reasons. As a mother of a female college student who is living on campus I made it a point to ask questions regarding campus security ... but still our students need to be aware not to let other students without appropriate ID enter their college dormitories or apartments.

http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_NCWSV466
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=536
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0FCR/is_4_35/ai_84017187

[ap Oweyn]

I attended a workshop here at GMU a year ago on counseling victims of stalking. It's that workshop that sparked my current interest in counseling for sexual assault and other types of victimization.

Stalking is a horrible crime to have to deal with. We watched a long story on one case that ended with the ex-boyfriend taking his ex hostage, getting into a standoff with a SWAT team, and then shooting her and then himself.

It's so much worse than people seem to realize.


Stuart