An evening out

[Melanie]

Hi all,

Last night I went to a friends house for the night and apparently they had mentioned that she had been along to a couple of lessons of martial arts and mentioned that I was still going. I was unaware of this until we went up to her local pub and we started talking at a table away from the bar. Then three men came over, people she knew, and said "Is this her?". She said "yes" and they sat down and joined us. Thankfully none of them were tanked up but had a couple of drinks so were reasonably relaxed.

Anyway, after a small amount of 'small talk' they started asking questions about what MA I did, how long, what grade etc. I have to admit I instantly felt uncomfortable. I make it known only to my close friends and familly that I do MA as I was warned by my Sensei never to talk too freely about it as it especially can make men feel threatened that a women does martial arts (I'm still trying to work out why?). I quickly responded to their questions and tried to make light of it - sort of insinuating I only used it as a form of aerobics but they seemed intent on grilling me. They started asking for demonstrations, I feigned ignorance and played the 'dumb brunette', all shy and embarassed and I know nothing. They didn't buy it.

Two started to see how uncomfortable I was getting and the last one decided to ignore it. He started taunting me and making fun. Saying all sorts of derogatory things short of actually swearing. I felt the only way for me to proceed was to laugh with him and make light of my passion! I have to say I never felt that this situation was going to get out of hand for a moment, but as you can tell it got me thinking.

I know there is a lot of experienced and highly graded people on this forum and I wondered if any of you have ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Has anyone got suggestions on what to say if this happens again without having to be untrue to myself?

[YODA]

Next time just say "Sorry - I don't like to talk about my martial arts training - can we change the subject?" and leave it at that. When you get the follow up taunts etc just tell them that they should respect your wish to talk about something else - if that doesn't do it then these are obviously not people you have a rosey future with - just politely excuse yourself & leave.

Idiots!

I get this attitude all the time - what often fazes people is when I agree with them. They tell me I'm wasting my time my martial arts are a load of crap - I just say "Yeah, you're probably right." - I let them find out the hard way if need be :D

[Chazz]

I stay in the situation. Since i am still a "young pup" as i am often called and i do teach. I am either faced with this problem through a student of mine or personally. When a student talks to be about it i often say the say thing that yoda told you. I get this quite often toward me due the the face that i live in a SMALL area and that the local paper seems to put one of our school in there with my name in it or a pic a me in it and everone i talk to make some kind a remark. I get a lot of these "Show me one of them flashy kicks yall do" (I say, this isnt the place for that, come check out a class and i can show you there), "jump spin in the air" (i just jump straight up and spin then *L* it off and make a joke about it), "can you run up walls" (i tell them that i learn that at my next rank and then make a joke and change the subject.) If its someone that i know has an REAL question or coment about MA i'll talk to them but when someone is out to show off, i let them think that they has wan the talk, then just joke with them and walk away.

[fluffydoc]

I end up telling people I do martial arts a lot or they look at my bruised forearms and think my boyfriend beats me up. On the odd occasion people have responded like happened to you, it's been enough to either turn away and speak to someone else or just tell them I'm not having that conversation and don't justify/ explain further. They give up when it's clear you're not going to say anything they can pick on. OK, it doesn't make you friends but they're clearly idiots anyway.

[Andy Murray]

I know there is a lot of experienced and highly graded people on this forum and I wondered if any of you have ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Has anyone got suggestions on what to say if this happens again without having to be untrue to myself?

Hey Mel,

Yeah, pick out the biggest, hardest, most evil looking psycho in the pub and say;

" Tell you what, why don't you go ask my Sensei, he's over there"

_

Best not to talk with the public about MA at Social events, it always has the potential to lead somewhere beyond your control.

As others have said. Tell em to go down to a Dojo and ask questions!

Andy:)

[hongkongfuey]

I had a similar, (but much less dangerous) situation at work recently where someone found out I did martial arts. He asked me to demonstrate something in front of a few people, which I really didn't want to do.

I just told him that to demonstrate properly I would need an opponent to attack me, and would he like to volunteer? Needless to say, he backed down from this!

I would not have tried this in Melanies situation, but it worked in this one.

[Thomas Vince]

I have a few questions.
1. Was your friend trying to start trouble?
2. Why would she tell these guys?
3. Was this a set up of some kind?

Many times I have been approached by this scenario, it is a common mans way of checking his own ego, or his own fear and confidence. There are three things I never discuss in a Pub
A. Politics
B. Religion
C. Martial Arts

In fact I rarely go into Pubs anymore, I don't drink.

More on this later I have to go....

[Melanie]

Originally posted by Thomas Vince
I have a few questions.
1. Was your friend trying to start trouble?
2. Why would she tell these guys?
3. Was this a set up of some kind?

Many times I have been approached by this scenario, it is a common mans way of checking his own ego, or his own fear and confidence. There are three things I never discuss in a Pub
A. Politics
B. Religion
C. Martial Arts

In fact I rarely go into Pubs anymore, I don't drink.

More on this later I have to go....

1. I think personally she talked to impress and had complete ignorance in the fact of any danger.
2. As above
3. I think she mentioned to them that she had a friend who did martial arts and that I was staying for the night but beyond that I doubt it very much. She's just not that vindictive.

I think just a little naivety played a major role in this incident nothing more.

[Thomas Vince]

Have you educated her in her ways of stupidity?
Young Melanie, I agree that the situation could have been worse. You used your wit and cunningness and I am proud! Next question
1. What was your greatest fear at the time?
2. Were you considering this getting physical in anyway?
3. Were you mentally prepared for this thing getting physical.
4. How did you eventually get the subject changed?
5. And did the words of the stupid one effect your inner self, your confidence or your convictions of MA's?

[Melanie]

In response to your questions Thomas: :)

1. That they would force me to do a demonstration and try and attack me. Thats initially what went through my mind. Luckily though it was only one in the end that seemed insistent upon getting answers.

2. I was pretty concerned until the other two backed down. They still kept supporting their friend but from what little I know about body language, I no longer felt threatened by them.

3. I think so. Hindsight is a wonderful thing :D I suppose I had considered I was in a public place and I doubt very much that any real confrontation would have successfully happened there as 3 men and 2 girls is not normally excepted as fair by the patrons of many pubs over here. To be honest with you, if the third man tried to do anything I would expect the other 2 men to stop him. They were more hot air than anything else at the end of the day.

4. That was the easy part Thomas! Simply work to a mans ego and make him feel less threatened and more superior, they tend to turn to putty! I asked about what car he drove and which team he supported for football. Seems so obvious doesn't it but like I said they had been drinking and I noticed that he had mercedes car keys and was wearing a football top.

5. Bless you Thomas, but you are a bit heartless! My FRIEND was very apologetic in the end. I explained everything I did to her after the event and told her why I wasn't comfortable that too many people knew what I did for a pass time. She promised not to mention it again.

I can honestly say Thomas, that this experience has actually bucked my ideas up about martial arts. If anything, I feel more determined than ever to complete my training to the best of my abilities and be able to defend myself AND friends if the ocassion ever arose. ;)

[waya]

I generally attempt to change the subject, but as someone else has once talked about, and something I also do, is downplay the demo they want. If they say kick, I look them in the eye as my foot connects gently with the knee, just enough to let them know it could have been broken, then if they continue about kicking them in the face, I start with a shot to the stomach to get them to my level :-) nothing hard, just something that makes them reflexivley bend. Then when they are all distracted try something fancy and say see, I can, but when the other stuff works well why should I? And tell them they watch too much television. It's usually best to just tell them that it is a personal affair and not something you wish to discuss, but sometimes there are those who beg to be educated in the finer points of being tactfull.

Rob

[Thomas Vince]

I think that your strength out of this situation is a means to your success. The best Martial Artists I have ever known were the ones that went on because of necessity and not because it was a toy.
And you little one, I meant the "Stupid One" to be the man that kept on pushing you the furthest. However I admire the quick wit and the sensory perception to ride the wave of this one's ego. In fact he is shallow, ignorant, over confident because he indentifies himself with all the wrong things and would be to much of a coward to advance any further than he already had. Concern: Never assume that your defense would come from the potential enemy, his friends, be them cowards or just would only go so far in the defence of you. I would expect in the future that you as the warrior would face the possibility of taking them all out. The cowardly ones would just be first on the list. People who hesitate are two things, dead or dangerous!

[Freeform]

I tend to avoid talking about my training, but seeing how these days most of my friends are MA's or guys I talk to down the gym its pretty much a moot point.

I've been in situations like that and I generally just try to play it down like Chazz does. On the odd occassion I have actually hurt people with wristlocks or nerves, and then tell them that thats the stuff we teach the kids (well, not the nerves anyway).

Thanx

[alienladd]

..... well I must say, Melanie, even from this distance (South Africa) .......and in spite of never having met you (except of course on this forum) ...... I am VERY proud of you and the way you handled that situation.

Hope I'll have enough insight should I land in a situation that has a potential of agressiveness.

[Silver_no2]

I think, Melanie, that you handled the situation very well! It annoys me that people seem to feel the need to put down the martial arts. Why do they all feel the need to have a demonstration? Particularly annoys me that when you explain that the only way that you can give a proper demonstration is with someone attacking you properly they view it as a cop out. Luckily I'm in a similar position to FreeForm in that I socialise mainly with other MAs. Just to set the record straight...FluffyDoc's boyfriend does beat her up! Every Tuesday night between 8.15 and 9.15 & every Sunday between 1.15 and 3.15!