A story for bedtime!

[Andy Murray]

The idea is that I start off a story, and you all contribute a section.

This should be humorous while remaining Martial art related.

I'd like everyone to contribute at least once, I'd suggest an upper limit of around 200 words

* A tip- Your contribution should finish with an opening for the story to continue. This may be difficult, but should not be impossible!

Here we go.......

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Burple.
He always ate his greens, and was always respectful to his elders!

One day, when Burple was walking through the forest, he came upon two men. They were dressed in white, and were flailing at each other with big sticks. " Now that looks like fun" said Burple!

Off he ran to old Mrs Mugster, the village Seamstress, and told her of his desire for a white suit....................................

[Melanie]

Mrs Mugster measured Burple and threw together a white suit fit for a king and Burple strode back out into the forest. He came back to the clearing and saw the two men sitting on the floor on their knees. He saw them bow and heard them "Osu". It sounded and looked very odd. He waited until they stood up again and approached them.

"Hello there! Er...do you mind if I ask what you were doing?" said Burple. One of the men moved forward and bowed at him (??) he then begin to speak...

"We were honouring our master and the way of martial arts Grasshopper!", the man bowed again! "Would you like to join us?".

Burple shuffled from foot to foot and cautiously mumbled yes. He knew he'd feel a bit of a wally bowing so much but the hitting each other with sticks did look like fun! He strode over to the clearing and bowed and waited for his very first lesson in martial arts...........

Melanie

[Greyghost]

Burple trained hard all that day, and by 4o'clock that very afternoon was exhausted.

"master.." he exclaimed ".....i've been training now for almost one whole day..is there any chance of getting a belt?" he asked nervously.

"ahh young disciple....a belt has to be earned wiff a gweat show of wespect and hability to your art. It cannot just be given out!"

Burple looked sad.....then piped up...." is there anything else you can give me to stop my trousers falling down then?"

"come back tomorrow young disciple and we shall see.....remember ...a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

with his new found abilities Burple wandered home through the forest ...little did he know what was going to happen next........

[Andy Murray]

............Burple had not quite realised how much time had passed while he was clacking sticks with his new friends.!

It was one of the shortest days of winter, and the sun was on tiptoes to peer over the horizon. It started to get very cold, and Burples normally tanned skin turned the same colour as his new suit before continuing on to pale blue. In his excitement he had left his shoes in the clearing where he had met the two men, and was now regretting his forgetfulness.

He tried to hurry, thinking that he would get warmer if he tried to trot home, but in the increasing gloom, lost his way, and became very, very frightened!

Adding to his misery, every sound seemed to threaten him. Burple was stumbling along, towards a dark shape in the gloom that he hoped was a cave. All he could think of was shelter, when he heard a twig snap behind him, as if at the tread of a heavy foot....................................

Andy

[Saz]

Burple turned around in a flash and saw a tall muscular figure towering over him. He tried to run away, but the figure put a hand on his shoulder and spun him around. Stood behind Burple, with his hand on his shoulder, was none other than Bruce Lee! Burple was astounded!

"Bruce Lee!" Burple exclaimed "I thought you were dead? What on earth are you doing all the way out here in these woods?"

"I've come to look for you Burple" said Bruce solemnly "I have a very important mission for you to help me with. "

"Oh, whats that?" said a confused looking Burple

"I cannot tell you here" said Bruce "Follow me"

"Err... I can't, I've left my shoes in the woods" Burple replied

"You won't be needing them.Real martial artists don't wear shoes... I haven't worn a pair since Gichin Funakoshi gave mine to Oxfam. Now, hurry, we don't have much time."

And with that, Bruce backflipped off into the woods with Burple in pursuit.....

[Andy Murray]

................just when he was beginning to think he was lost again, Burple was brought up short. Nearly running into Bruce Lee, who was staring down into a little village below the edge of the small bluff they stood on.

" I am to be your guide" said Bruce.

" I am the ghost of MA past, what was, and what may be again"

" Oi dushnt undershtand M m m m Mashter" chattered Burple, still cold!

" You are to have three visitors this very night Burple, of which I am the first" Bruce said ominously.

" Come..................."

Bruce Lee took Burple down a narrow winding track which culminated in a derelict cemetery on the outskirts of the village.

"Look" he said, brushing leaves from a headstone.

Burple took a while to make out the words on the stone in the gloom, but eventually spelled out; ' In memory of a once fluid man, made solid by the classical mess '

" Wot dush thish meansh " he asked Bruce Lee as he turned.

But There was no one there.........................

[Kendo_Cougar]

lol!! cool story

[Freeform]

And suddenly Jean Claude Van Damme , executing perfect back and sommersault kicks, appeared out of the mist...

'Hello Burple' he said in his strange and exotic accent

'I am the ghost of Martial Arts present, and I have an errand that only you can complete...'

'Anything Master Van Damme' Burple said, eager to prove his worth

'Well' JCVD said, 'what I need you to do is....

[Martial Sloth]

....gather your goods and be prepared to leave at the break of dawn".

Burple um'ed and ah'd, not sure how his great grandmother Mary Ann Janet Constance Thistleprid would react. But always being the runt of the family, he decided to throw off the yoke of oppression and forge a new future for himself...starting with JCVD.

Eager and excited at the prospect of mysterious journeys and discoveries, Burple gathered his goods and met JCVD secretly in a sheltered alcove the very next night.

"Burple," said JC "This mission I have for you is incredibly important, it has been revealed to me that you are the ONE"

Burple gasped!

"Failure on your half would spell doom for on and for all!!! We need you to....."

But before he could finish, with a great waxing on and off, the Karate Kid exploded onto the scene brandishing a.....

[Burple]

.....a what?

[Knight_Errant]

'A big spoon.
"You foolish person" said Burple."Why the hell would you want to attack me with a spoon?"
"Because it would hurt more!" Yelled the karate kid. He lunged at him, shouting 'KIAI' a lot...

[xubis]

It wouldn't take much to fend of karate kid, burple ducked dodged and weaves from the spoon, then kicks him in the nuts. KK stops KIAI'ing and calms down.
"Sorry, I was just testing to make sure, Mr. Meagi (spell?) always told me to."
"Right.." Burple replied.
"Well, as JCVD was saying, we need you to find out where Mr. Meagi is hiding... he has the secret scroll of................."

[WhiteWizard]

how to make chocolate buttons " So Burple and the karate kid went off in search of Mr Meagi hoping to get some choclate buttons.

So the walked many a mile through the rain and came upon an old cave with a sweet smell and some rambling coming from inside.

next thing he knows a flying black spec catches his eye next thing he knows Jet Li is standing next to him Burple turns to him in shock and says "we are looking for Mr Meagi so we can find out the secret scoll of the choclate buttons can you help us?".

next Jet turns to Burple and says......

[Knight_Errant]

"No." he said. "I cannot help you. Only you can achieve this quest. However, I can direct you to somebody who has no such scruples, if you should so desire".
Burple looked excited. Almost jumping up and down, he said
"yes please! yes please!"
Jet li, having difficuilty stopping himself from smirking, led Burple on a dark path through the forest. The path climbed up into the mountains, where thorns scratched Burple's ankles and the rain soaked through his nice white shuit. The Attendant Algae began to make it green."
At the end of this path, Burple lay down panting. He lay exposed and exhausted on the mountain. In his delirious dreams, the ghost of Mas Oyama came to him, grinning broadly :D'

[booksie_girl]

"You have been told that you are the one," said Mas Oyama. "But now you must prove it. You have three quests to complete in order to prove your worthiness. The first quest you already know, the quest for the chocolate buttons. After this, you will have two more. If you complete these sucessfully, it will become known that you are the one. And you never know, there might even be a fair maiden thrown in . . . . ."

[Hakko-Ryu]

"the second quest you must accomplish, is to master the secret art of Fart-fu....it will be tough, for Fart-Fu requires a great deal of uhhhh, internal gaseous mastery, but once you have mastered this great art of Fart-fu you will be able to go on journeying to attain the third and final test...."

[Em-em]

...to be able to beat those who chose to fight Yoda within three hours without rest, food nor water."

Burple was puzzled and looked for the survey about "who among the mods you'd like to fight". Realizing the challenge he was in, he swallowed hard and meditated. He saw a lot of stuff in his meditation, not sure what it meant. There was a...

[TheBorderer]

...sudden vision he had while we was meditating, it all became so clear at what he had to do to complete the tasks set before him, he had to be able to somehow find one of the famously powerful boots labelled "For use in MAP chat by qualified Chat Moderators/Admins only". He remembered some of the stories told of such boots and the power they containted to perform such powerful kicks that kept unrul members and the barbarian trolls at bay. He smiled to himself realising this could truly help him...

"But where to find such precious boots?" he thought to himself... All of a sudden the idea came to him http://www.martialartsplanet.com/forums/images/icons/icon3.gif... "Ahh yes, I have it!" He knew what he had to do, he had to find the one from MAP known as Kgirl. He knew he had to somehow 'persuede' her to allow him to use the boots in order for him to stand any chance in the herculean tasks before him. Remembereing that she has a sweet tooth and liking of chocolate, he packed a massive quantity of Cadbury's Milk Tray in his rucsac and headed on the long and treacherous path to Wales to find her....

[Andy Murray]

.....suddenly he felt a sharp blow (to pressure point gb20 he found out later) and the black cloud of unconsciousness embraced him.

Burple woke with hazy memories of strange impressive men with bad accents.

"Your awake!" a soft voice lisped.

"Where am I?" Burple asked, trying to make out the figure outlined against the glowing hearth behind.

"Not where, my friend, but when!"

"I don't understand" Burple rubbed his neck where he had been struck.

"We almost lost you there, my name is Tyson, but you may call me Mike, You were taken away by false prophets and ghosts of misunderstanding. Too often fighters of greatness are lost from the path of reality by following the paths of those with the charisma to lead them astray. My way is not pretty, it will not be easy, but it is the true way" Standing up Mike Tyson blocked out the light of the dying embers.

"I AM THE GHOST OF MA FUTURE, would you like some Ear Soup................?"

[booksie_girl]

"Ear soup?????" asked Burple, rather worried. "I hate to ask, but who's ear...."

[Knight_Errant]

"You're an idiot" Said Tyson. "That doesn't matter though."
Without a word, Tyson wandered off in another direction. Burple, from a deep desire in his heart not to be left here without seeing further, followed him.
The path wound deep into the forest, into strange places where Burple had never dared go before. The dark path led into a clearing of blinding light. Burple saw that his suit was muddy and stained, not worn and respectable. His eyes slowly accustomed to the harsh, blinding light.
Standing there was a short green man in a tatty white suit like his own, and his tall horned friend.....

[djhallib]

...The Sith lord from episode 1.

"Why are you all here?" Asked Burples in a trembling voice as Tyson made to join their ranks. We want you to help us, very soon, we will be attacked by a man of enourmous powers. His very skin is like iron, impenetrable by either thunderous fists or light sabres. Unfortunately, we have no other weapons. His only weak spots were his ears, who'm we have eaten and it did not defeat him.

Suddenly, the very wall behind them burst into a million pieces and standing in the opening was the tall towering and earless figure of Bob Sapp. Sapp charged the three and threw them into the nearest wall knocking them out...

[Chlo]

And knocking the wall down to reveal a slightly confused ittle John wondering what on earth had happened to Sherwood Forest. He was a bit nervous of that Bob Sapp fella cuz he was the only person he had ever seen who was taller than himself but undeterred attacked him with his Staff.

The battle waged for some time until with a flick of the wrist John boy struck the Sap in the ear at which point he shrunk to the size of a doll and after throwing a bucket of water over the fallen Burple and co Little John wandered off into the woods muttering something about the King's deer and merry men...

[booksie_girl]

Burple, amazed at Little John's fighting prowess, ran after him, and asked if he could learn some techniques from him. Little John pondered this, after all, he was anticipating becoming very merry with the merry men, but, ot wanting to dissapoint the earnest boy, he said, "........

[Em-em]

"You must first learn how to calculate your percent body fat relative to your flexibility, height, and the number of laughing hours while watching Jackie Chan. You can use an abacus, a calculator, a pentium computer, or a pen and paper... or you can come with me and -- "

Suddenly the ground Burple was standing on opened up. A giant mean-looking dragon with fairy wings appeared before the two of them and asked...

[booksie_girl]

"Do you know how to make my wings grow?" The dragon suddenly lost its mean look and became sad. "You see, these wings are unable to bear my weight, which makes me rather useless. If you find a way to make my wings grow, I will carry you wherever you wish, for a year and a day."

EDIT: "However, if you fail....."

[Knight_Errant]

"I'll cry, and I won't be able to feed, and I'll starve to death and you'll disrupt the whole forest ecosystem and that will start a nationwide famine and I hope you'll get lynched. And it'll be all your fault."

[booksie_girl]

":eek:" thought Burple, not wanting that on his consciene. He sat down on a handy boulder to contemplate his course of action. At long last ....

[WhiteWizard]

Burple decide he had to go find out how to get the Dragon's wings to grow rumours had been told about a great wizard in a tower far away who had many a useful power. Burple decided that he would have to go and seek out this wizard.

So he set off the next day only to find ....

[Andy Murray]

......himself passing close to his home.

He suddenly remembered he was supposed to go back and train with the two strange men in the clearing. They might give him his first belt today.

They might even be able to help him make sense of all the ghosts, dragons and merry men he had met.

Burple scampered up the trail, and burst into the clearing, only to find.....

[TheBorderer]

...what appeard to be a pack of chocolate buttons with the label "Eat Me". Burple, so hungry from the trials and toils of the previous days and challenges... decided he would pick up the packet and eat the contents of the packet...

[craigwarren]

while devouring the packet of sweets, burble noticed his shoes, which he had left in the woods the previouse day, out of the corner of his eye.

After finishing the chocolate buttons Burble wandered over to he site of his shoes and stepped into them. No sooner had he started to slip his toes into his left shoe he heard a loud scream.

Burble looked around in shock only to notice a frog peering out of his shoe, the frog stared at him and shouted ".........

[Chlo]

"Who are you??? Where's my beautiful princess?? this is all just wrong" Then a young woman ran round the corner wielding a mighty sword and stopped at the sight of Burple and the frog...

"You can't be the prince I came to rescue- this boy is far too weedy an opponent so I will take you both as slaves instead unless you wish to fight me"

Burple hesitated but luckily the 2 strange men turned up- they would know what to do...

[Em-em]

The strange men were now stranger than what Burple remembered. One had a red faced with horns, he had (well, just look at Andy) and the other one was a very short guy with an orange dog's face.

"Masters, you've changed! But we have no time for that. I need your help right now."

The two men looked at each other and broke out laughing.

Burple was puzzled, stood up, and...

[booksie_girl]

was knocked flat on his back, by the young woman attempting to rescue the prince. Burple desperately tried to remember the lessons he had been taught by the two strange men, but the sword at his throat made it difficult to remember.

"Where is my prince?" asked the young woman.

[Andy Murray]

"Stay thy hand wench, slay not the lad" the horned mans voice echoed round the clearing.

Suddenly Burple felt strange. He felt a tiny pin in his ankle, and looked down to see that, the sword that had been held to his throat was now being poked into his ankle by the now diminutive princess.

Looking round, burple realised that everyone else had shrunk too. No, the trees were now at his waist height too.

"The Chocolate Buttons" he said, in a moment of realisation.

"Oi", yelled the horned man "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat sweets off the ground?"..............................

[booksie_girl]

"Yes," replied Burple sullenly, "but she also told me not to look at girls, to do my homework, to help with the housework, and to leave milk out for the faries."

[teacher]

" But Bill and Fred next door are both lactose intolerant and dont want milk. It was about this time I decided that my mother was a compulsive liar and set out to find the truth for myself" said Burple.

[Knight_Errant]

"and furthermore",said Burple,"I seem to have these strong impulses to smoke marijuana and lie around reading erotic magazines"

[Knight_Errant]

The horned man clapped his hand around the story teller's foul mouth and said
"Oi, this is a family story! Keep it clean!"
and with that, the story went on...

[booksie_girl]

Burple took a few steps backwards, the ground suddered, and people screamed. "Be careful, you lumbering galloot, you almost stepped on me!"

[Elitex]

Burple stopped a moment to think about his recent adventures. He thought he'd been through a lot. Then he fell in a hole and died

[xubis]

Originally posted by Elitex
Burple stopped a moment to think about his recent adventures. He thought he'd been through a lot. Then he fell in a hole and died ROFLMAOOL must have been a big hole!

[Elitex]

Its not funny, it was disgusting

[Knight_Errant]

Soon, Burple felt life return to his body. Yes! he had been reanimated by the dog god!
the story goes on...

[Freeform]

Burple crawled out of the big pit, curious as to his ressurection, he decided to seek out the two strange men again, only after having a shower to clean all the dirt of of him,

'Where is I gonna find a shower big enuff' he said....

[Andy Murray]

...."Edinburgh" he said decisively, I hear there's a right big shower up there. 'Shower of Bar Stewards' they call it, I best stride over there.......

[Elitex]

But on his journey to Edinburgh, he was horribly mutilated by a huge man with a six foot pole axe. He died in hostpital. He-man was the priest at his cremation. His remains were thrown into the sea

[Andy Murray]

......yet just as his ashes were about to touch the water, they were beamed onto an Alien spacecraft, reconstituted, regenerated and not only returned to life, but genetically enhanced.

Thanking the nice Aliens thoroughly, Burple asked that they take him somewhere devoid of idiots, yet populated by free thinking creative individuals.

Unfortunately the Aliens read the Map upside down, and deserted him in Canada.

Burple trudged wearily along the road, until he began to see signs for an MMA Dojo (contradiction in terms or what), prising his mind as open as it could go, he pushed open the doors...........

[xubis]

upon entering he saw a great hall, white but with mirrors around the outside. There were many people inside, some were practicing grappling, others were doing stand up, some weapons, and so on. "Excuse me... I am looking for help".... and with that the entire dojo fell silent, and everbodys gaze fell onto poor burple, who was now feeling quite intimdated............

[Mrs Owt]

But seeing as they were all friendly Canadians they invited him to stay until the end of class and go for a beer with them.

They all trudged merrily down the snow covered moose path to the local pub, all the while commenting how sorry they felt for all those poor TMA people who were following that obsolete path when ...

[tang_sou_dao]

YODA jumped out rambling on about some nonsense again. he shouted ............

[Mrs Owt]

"Where are my sticks? I need my sticks, someone said they saw aliens around here!"

Burple felt he would like to help this obviously powerful but confused warrior and handed him two souvenir hockey sticks his new Canadian MMA buddies had lost to him in a game of darts.

"Will these do Mr.... um, glancing down at the name on the lycra shorts the warrior wore, Mr. Yoda Sir? Burple looked at him expectantly as he replied...

[Mrs Owt]

"Yes, they will do fine, but it appears that even the aliens have lost interest in this story and have gone home." Replied YODA.

This being said, Burple sat down and...

[47Ronin]

...Realised with out Traditional Martial Arts there would be no mixed and that some people can still build around Karate while keeping it as the heart. Then Burple joined a Traditional Karate Dojo and learned a secret technique that could drop stupid close minded people in a second!

Then he started walking towards the beach in Florida where he met Max and caught a wave to Hawaii only to find that the jungle people took over and forced all the Americans to eat......

[Elitex]

S'cuse me!

[YODA]

(Skipping Elitex's off track post)

.... Badger Burgers - with fried mushrooms and snaaaaake-a-l'orange. Following which they where so stuffed with the lovely stuff that they...

[TheBorderer]

...incredibly taste like Chicken (as everything else seems to do...) and haggis "An odd combination" Burple thought and then he realised that after eating such a culinary delight (and the fact he was in Hawaii, which normally is quite a warm place) he needed something to drink, so off he wandered to the nearest bar...

[Mrs Owt]

and while sitting at the bar a wizened old man stumbled up to him and asked him if he knew his life's purpose.
"Answer seriously my boy. For if you don't and give me flip answers it may cost you your life! For I am the Guardian of all Philosophy Threads, and I hate when people mock those who quest for true knowledge!", growled the slightly smelly old man.

"Well, sir, umm... can I have a minute? I have spent my entire young life searching for pleasure and other selfish pursuits. I do hope that is not my purpose in life. But I need to think what it may be." Burple replied nervously.

"Very well, young one. You have until midnight. But if you don't have a really, really, really deep and meaningful purpose by then I will have to....

[YODA]

.... challenge you to a sparring match - using nothing but fresh herrings at weaponry. We will duel to the death in a slap-silly fish-tastic mega-scrap.

You have been warned young Burple! Do not take lightly the might of the Herring!"

Burple then had a good think and...

[Andy Murray]

.......suddenly wondered what on earth he was doing in Hawai.

Leaving the bar, his tepid coconut milk, and thoughts of fish fighting behind, he scuffed his feet all the way down to the beach, lying back on the sand (still vaguely warm from the days sun) and looked up at the stars as he reflected on the tumultuous events of the last few days.

So many thoughts, so many influences. How to make sense of it all?

Blotting out the light of the stars, a hulking figure loomed over him.

"How'd ya like dat?" he drawled, kicking sand into Burples face.......

[Mrs Owt]

"Actually I have been without my exfoliating scrub for days. That feels wonderful, opens the pores." replied Burple.
The hulking figure, looking very perplexed said, " Pshaw, real men don't exfoliate!"
Burple looked even more perplexed and questioned the hulk quizzically, " then how do you keep your skin soft and smooth?"

The figure hesitated and...

[Freeform]

.. started to cry.

'I only want to be a real man like you Burple' he sobbed,

'Can you please take me on as your padawan learner and teach me the arts of war?' asked the large pathetic stranger.

'Well...' said Burple

[YODA]

.... I'm not sure about teaching you the arts of war but I could sure improve your dress sense" and after looking his new found neophite up and down proclaimed "I got it! We need a surfer dude store!"

With that he led Morris (Burple guessed he was called Morris due to the large lunchbox with "Morris' Lunch" scrawled on it that the big guy was carrying) down to the nearest surfer dude store - which was packed with...

[Mrs Owt]

lycra shorts and strange fingerless gloves. It was slowly dawning on Burple that they had not entered a surfer dude shop but an MMA apparel shop. Row after row of bottom accentuating lycra shorts and stacks of black fingerless gloves that looked vaguely menacing pointing at him in fingerless accusation.

Burple gave his head a shake. They can't be pointing at me, I've done nothing wrong. He turned to Morris and commented loudly that the shop was definitely not a surfer shop and that he really didn't think that someone of Morris' girth would be flattered by lycra shorts. He realised he was too late to get Morris out of the shop when, lo and behold, Morris popped out of a dressing room clad only in skintight pink lycra with 'spank me!' written across his hindquarters in a saucy, sparkly script.

"No, no, no - you can't wear pink with your ruddy complexion!" cried Burple. "Until you are willing to learn the ways of colourfu and aetheticdo I can not teach you. You must give yourself over to me - mind, body, and wardrobe! Are you willing to do this?" demanded Burple.

"I am sorry, I cannot. I have found my place. Any sport that would allow me the freedom to clad myself in lycra and embrace others like me publicly is my true home! I must find a master to teach me MMA." confessed Morris.

Strangely upset, yet relieved, Burple left the shop with Morris happily trying on fingerless gloves chanting - "there is no place like home, there is no place like home."

Once again alone Burple decided there was really nothing else to do but to...

[booksie_girl]

lie down and have a nap. He'd had a very busy and rather interesting day, and was feeling very tierd. He walked around the hotels, but they were all full, so he....

[Freeform]

... decided to have a little snooze on the park bench...

[Mrs Owt]

...when suddenly the ground began to shake. Darn! Burple thought to himself. I really needed a nap, what could possibly happen now? I need to find a nice, quiet place to..."Aahhhhhh.....nooooooooooo!"..Burple screamed in terror as...

[small guy]

then burple said man i wish i had a potato and went off searching for a potato-he had traveled 1000 miles and endured terible beasts and chalanges before he saw it a beautiful,golden,potato like potato fresh from.........where it came from then he realised he wos soposed to be on a quest so he threw it away and walked back to his house

[47Ronin]

........Suddenly the clock in the park struck mid night and the wise old man appeared from the sky landing graciously on top of the clock and said, "So my young Burple, What is your answer?".

Burple very cautiously proceeded in answering him and said....................

[TheBorderer]

"42" Burple replied (hoping that the often quoted number from "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy", would be correct)...


Buruple waited for what seemed to be an age when the wise old man said...


"Well Done Mr Burple, I expected a lad of your character to be able answer such a question."

"Why thank you" Burple said "But please can you explain to me why you are here? And can you get of my clock please that was a present given to be my grandfater..."

"Oh sorry" the wise old man said, graciously getting off the clock and sitting on the nearest available pine chair not filled with various MA litrature, "Ahh yes the reason that I am here... well....

[Freeform]

"... to ask you why you have placed pine furniture covered in MA literature all over the park?"

[Mrs Owt]

" As Thoreau felt, so have I. I must simplify, simplify, simplify and I have decided to live in this park, close to nature. I had hoped not to clutter the park at all, but those nice Canadians I met sent me all this pine furniture and I didn't have the heart to give it away." explained Burple when queried about the conditions of the park around him.

Meanwhile, Burple was really wondering why the wizened, and still smelly old man had really visited him at midnight in the park. He went over possible answers in his head and realised he didn't really have a gift for critical thinking and decided to be spoon-fed the answers instead. So Burple turned to the slightly smelly old man and said, "why are you really here? It can't be just to get me to give you a pathetic answer like 42, can it?"

"Of course not." replied the old man. "I am really here to get you back on the path of your MA journey. Now move!", he shouted giving Burple a quick kick in the pants.

"allright, allright, I'm going just remember to feed my.......

[booksie_girl]

... 3 inch purple furred hijikins with sharp teeth. They get a bit unpleasant when they're hungry you see....

[Freeform]

... oh, no! As I don't have a cage to keep them in they've run away!!!"

[WhiteWizard]

"Oh no now they have started devouring that old man what shall i do ... "

[booksie_girl]

"... I forgot to feed them yesterday, and now they're out of control. I knew I shouldn't have let the green-haired punk with a limp talk me into buying them, even if they were a bargain for only ..."

[Freeform]

... 2MMA lessons and a packet of cheese and onion crisps."

[47Ronin]

........Well after they ate the old man they grew until they exploded! Then there were no problems with the little cretins.

Then Burple got on a boat and went to Germany to return to castle Wolfenstein and try to stop the super soldiers when all of a sudden all the soldiers broke out into dance and then Burple realised he was at a German beer fest and grabbed a pint and then............

[fluffydoc]

Woke up on the park bench to find a dog licking his feet.

"Hello boy, oooh that tickles...stop it! Where did you come from?"

The dog scampered off into the distance leaving Burple considering what to do now. His feet were wet, the bench was decidedly uncomfortable, his white outfit was stained and bedraggled and he seemed to have acquired a large number of quests with no idea how to deal with them. Right on cue, a few drops of rain started to fall and were quickly followed by lots more.

"This is no good, I might as well just head home and train with the 2 masters again. At least with them my life was going somewhere".

Burple trudged to the bus station and caught the number 22 that would take him to the town near his home. It was surprisingly busy for the time of night and he had to take the only available seat next to yet another wizened, harmless looking old man.

A few minutes into the journey, the man leaned towards him and muttered "I know who you are". "What do you mean?", said Burple, confused. The old man leaned in closer, made a strange shape with his fingers and replied.....

[booksie_girl]

'.... You are that punk who 'watered' my daisies last summer.' He made the strange shape again, and Burple realised it was not an innocent gesture, but ...

[fluffydoc]

decided it would be safer to ignore it. After all, we all know what happens if you hassle elderly wizened harmless looking men.

"That wasn't me! I've no interest in gardening at all", he pleaded. The old man looked suspicious then relaxed. "OK, I believe you. Listen kid, I need a favour. How about......"

[#1 Stutta]

you get me a foot warmer? My feet are freezing. See?" He pulled off his sock (no shoe for some reason) and his foot was blue.

The old man said, "Every time I rub my feet with my hands, my hands slip because they're covered with......"

[fluffydoc]

"Preparation H. It's sitting on these cold seats all the time that does it".
Burple edged away from him trying not to think about what he'd just heard. "Hey man, if I had a foot warmer I'd be using it myself right now. Why don't we go ask Santa for one each for Christmas?"

The old man agreed so they got off the bus at the next stop and boarded another bound for he North Pole.

" You have boarded the 03.30 shuttle service to The North Pole. Any passengers not wishing to meet Santa should disembark now as the doors will close shortly. Passengers in pixie class are reminded that all luggage should be stowed in the leg space in front of them. We hope you enjoy your journey on the Jolly Sleighbells Express".

Burple and the old man found themselves sitting facing......

[#1 Stutta]

Frosty the Snowman. He was starting to melt as they had gotten on the bus in Miami. Burple looked at him and felt pity.

"What's happening to you, Frosty?" Burple asked.

Frosty answered back, "Oh, I'm just melting. That's all right my suicide bomber in Israel didn't work, so I'm committing suicide this way instead."

"Good!" yelled the old man, "I hate you Frosty! You left me for that other woman!" Burple looked at the old man and edged away from him again. He walked up to the bus driver and......

[TheBorderer]

... before getting to the driver, happened to trip over something. A shiny(if what rather worn around the edges...) pair of boots labeled "For use in MAP Chat". He knew those boots, in that condition, belonged to only one person in particular. Kgirl.

Burple was very flustered, he had heard rumours about her having no qualms in kicking trolls very hard with those boots of hers...

"Err errr, I'm very very sorry, I didnt... I mean I just er..."

"Whoah slow down..."she replied. Quickly glancing at him she said "Hmm... you don't look like anyone I've kicked before, and trust me I have a good talent for spotting trolls."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to ttto trip oover th th those boots of yours." said Burple still nervous and visibilly shaking, teeth cliking together like one of those executive pendulum toys.

"Don't worry about it." She smiled "So what are you visiting Santa for?"

Burple pointed over to the old man "I'm with him because he's going to ask santa for a foot warmer(please don't ask!). So what about you? Why are you on this bus?"

"Well...." Kgirl said....

[fluffydoc]

"I'm off to see Santa too. I've been taken on as sleigh security this year, hence the boots".

"Sleigh security!", said Burple, scandalised. "Why would Santa need security?". Kgirl shook her head sadly "Yes, it's awful to think the world has come to this. There's 4 of us on the sleigh. One goes down the chimney in advance, one acts as escort with Santa and the other 2 stay with the sleigh to stop people raiding it". Burple looked incredulous.
"We've just started it this year after lots of complaints. You know how since you were a kid, no-one's ever got you the presents you wanted? Well that's because the sleigh gets raided by whichever local underworld crime lord is in that area".

Burple made his way back to his seat, deeply troubled and completely forgetting he had been on his way to see the driver. It was shocking that this situation could exist and he felt spurred into action "I'm going to form a crime fighting unit with the passengers on this bus and sort this out! Who's with me?!"

As one, the bus faced him and responded with an uproarious....

[#1 Stutta]

"Mwahahahahahahahaha!" Oh no! Burple noticed that they were all crime lords! He looked at Kgirl in wonder.

"What's all this about, Kgirl?" Burple asked her.

Kgirl replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just that we're all crime lords. Me, the people, the bus driver, Frosty, and even the old man with the cold feet. We are ALL crime lords, and we're going to see Santa right now and take all of his toys."

Burple looked around in dismay. He couldn't believe it. This whole bus was filled with crime lords wanting all of Santa's presents. He didn't know what to do.

But, then, all of a sudden, a flash shot through the bus and a figure surrounded in a blinding light arrived. Burple looked closer and noticed that the silouhette looked ridiculously familiar.

"Oh, thank God," Burple said, "He has arrived." The figure Burple saw was an ironic image of a being from his dreams as a child. Burple got really scared because he knew that this ironic being has come for him and this being wanted......

[47Ronin]

He jumped out the bus window and noticed he didn't make it to the north pole to see Santa but ended up at Kwanzaa. He then hung out with Hannukah's new body guard- The Hebrew Hammer.

After eating at a Kosher deli and having some more beer he noticed he had a terrible feeling in his stomach and he then proceded to puke up a note that read............................

[#1 Stutta]

'You must eat me so that the Note-Eating Cannibals of the Wild East won't get me. If they get me they will read me and then proceed to eat me. I don't want to be eaten by them b/c my relatives are in their bellies and they still haven't forgiven me for living so long. They will most certainly destroy me. So please, eat me."

Burple reread the note again and again. He was surprised to see that a piece of paper could have such strong feelings for itself. Burple stuck the paper in his mouth so he could eat it again, but he couldn't get it into his mouth. He looked in his portable 5-ft mirror and noticed that his mouth was sewn shut! He ripped an teared at the tiny threads, but he couldn't break them.

He heard someone laugh. He looked around and saw the Hebrew Hammer laughing at him.

The Hebrew Hammer said, "Ha ha ha! You stupid, little boy. You think that you can eat the note again?" Just then Kgirl came in with her little crime lord gang. She looked at the Hebrew Hammer and said, "I want the note!"

Burple looked around in utter silence (his mouth was sewn shut). He saw Kgirl leap at the Hebrew Hammer and kick him dead square in his chest. She bounced off and fell like a rock. Apparently Kyokushinkai Karate was not effective at something as simple as a hammer. :D

Burple looked on in astonishment. He then saw a young man with huge muscles come into the room.

"Come with me," said the young man. Burple followed him outside. "I am the master of nunchaku and Tang Soo Do. I am even better than unexist in the art of nunchaku."

'What is your name?' Burple thought.

"You may call me Stutta," he replied. Obviously, he was Stutta, the greatest martial artist in the world. Burple recognised his power and felt relieved that he finally with the King. But then, something caught Stutta's eye. He looked around the huge tree in his way and saw......

[Saz]

Kgirl with a big saw chopping the tree down. Stutta screamed and tried to run, but it was too late. The tree fell and squished him like a little bug. Burple looked on in horror, as Kgirl headed towards him with the saw yelling "Right butty, your next!". "Uh oh" said Burple "I'd better run!"

But as he turned and ran, he bumped right into.....

[shotokanwarrior]

decided to commit seppuku rather than dishonor himself by refusing the duel or being defeated. he had just eviscerated himself when a phoenix descended and started blubbering into his lacerations, which were then healed. he became superhuman and kicked the old man's ass into oblivion.

[#1 Stutta]

Ummm...I'll start where Kgirl ended.

an alien. The alien asked what he wanted. Burple said he wanted to get away from Kgirl. The alien beamed him up to his ship.

"I can shall grant you three wishes. What would you like?" the alien asked.

"Well, first I want Stutta back. He was the greatest thing to ever happen on Earth. He was my best friend."

"Of course you may have Stutta back." And Stutta appeared on the ship.

"Where's Kgirl?" Stutta asked, "I must defeat her before she finishes the task of the Light of Doom. If I only had a hammer. I defeat her easily with a hammer."

Burple listened to Stutta, and then he asked, "I would also like a hammer, so that Stutta can defeat Kgirl." And a hammer appeared in Stutta's hand.

"You only have one more wish, so choose wisely," the alien said. Burple thought and thought and finally he came up with something.

"The last thing I want," Burple said, "is......

[Qis]

"Somewhere Warm and comfy i can have the nap i've been promising myself since the start of this 'orrible quest. I haven had a decent sleep for ages. It makes me want to cry i'm so sleepy. "

Tha Alien looked at Burple, then at his friend ( who had just woken from cryo-sleep, and was rubbing star-dust from his eyes):
" the little feller wants somewhere to sleep as his final wish "
" oh does he really.. i feel these humans have too long been taking us for granted to bail them out of tragic storytelling oversights..."
" yes, but before we flee this galaxy forever we should perform his last wish "
" yeah, but then we're gone forever yeah? "
" yeah "
" ohkio Elvis, but i'm reading the map this time, and take those stupid shoes off"
and with that...


-Qis

[#1 Stutta]

Burple and Stutta and his hammer got transported to a hotel room in Zimbabwe. They were in separate beds taking a nap. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Burple got up and told Stutta that he would get it.

Burple opened the door and the hotel manager came in.

"What are you doing here?" the manager demanded, "You guys did not pay." Burple looked at Stutta and then back at the manager and then back at Stutta and then back at the manager and this continued on for a while.

"What are you doing?" Stutta asked. He got no reply. And then! oh no! Stutta saw Burple's head pop off and it started spinning around faster and faster puking everywhere. Stutta finally realized that burple was not himself anymore. Burple was......

[fluffydoc]

a large pink elephant. "Burple, why are you an elephant?" Stutta asked. "Wibble wibble parp frottup" replied the elephant watching as Stutta fell to the ground in a faint.

Burple turned to the manager (again). "I don't think my friend's very well. He doesn't usually think I'm an elephant".
"What do you want me to do about it, huh? Your friend, your hotel bill, your after gig party that trashed my honeymoon suite". Burple felt confused again, "After gig party? What are you talking about?!!". "Yeah, don't look so innocent pyjama boy. You and Christina Aguilera doing tequila stuntmen on the bar last night! Your friend here discussing the sound of one hand clapping with Metallica! Pay up and get out!".

The manager turned on his heel and stomped out, visibly steaming. Burple looked around the room for the inspiration he'd need to get out of this scenario without the aid of aliens or dream storylines. His gaze fell on......

[Freeform]

...Andrew Green, dressed up like Elvis, marrying people in the main lobby....

[TheBorderer]

"What are you dressed up as Elvis for?" Burple asked, looking rather perplexed(which was unusual considering what Burple has been through).

"Well, it's a long story." he replied.

"What happend was that I was on my way as to the local fish shop to get my pet Ninja Penguin some nice cod fillets. I had only just got the the shop when suddenly..."

[#1 Stutta]

I was ambushed. These Elvis wannabes tied me up and forced me to be Elvis at these weddings. They babbled on about me looking exactly like Elvis and other stuff about Elvis not really being dead. They kept on talking like this while I was tied when......

[fluffydoc]

I realised I might as well be Elvis if these guys just keep tieing me up otherwise. So now I am Elvis, and let me tell you mate, I'm making a packet".

"Fair enough" said Burple, "don't suppose you could lend me enough to pay my hotel bill before the manager starts getting heavy?". "Sure buddy", said Andrew, handing him a large wad of notes. "I've got so many of these I use them as bog roll now".

So, the day was saved without alien interference. Burple paid the manager, hoisted Stutta over his shoulder and strode off into the sunset, pausing briefly to break into and hotwire a gleaming silver mercedes by the side of the road. As he and his trusty companion drove off, they failed to appreciate that the car they had stolen belonged to....

[#1 Stutta]

Mister Rogers. Burple looked in the glove compartment and found about 10 puppets. He saw a little lion with a crown.

"Hi," said the lion, "What are you doing in nice Mister Rogers' car?"

"Who's car?" Burple asked.

"Mister Rogers."

"Are you serious? I just stole Mister Rogers' car?"

"Yes."

"Oh, man. I need to get it back to him," Burple said. He turned around and started drving back. He realized that......

[Freeform]

... he had no idea who Mr Rodgers actually was. But considering he was in a car full of talking animal puppets reckoned he was in a bad, bad place.

So he and Stutta abandoned the car an torched it, because the talking animal puppets were just way to freaky to be allowed to roam free .

So they started down the highway thumbing a lift, only to be picked up by..........

[#1 Stutta]

a ballet dancer in a tutu. She was driving a little truck with a 20 foot bed.

"Hop on in," she said. Burple hopped in carrying Stutta, still unconcious, on his back. They sat in the bed while the ballet dancer drove. They were heading through town after town. When they stopped, the ballet dancer got out and told them......

[Fire_Wings]

... "you are all under arrest for the realease of the evil Kgirl! She's been cutting down trees everywhere! How can an under-tutu cop like me do my job witha phsyco-treecutter running around?" Suddenly from behind Burple came a loud THWACK! THWACK THWACH! Stutta, waking up slung over Burples shoulder, focused his eyes and saw...

[fluffydoc]

....a horde of flagellants dressed in black rubber approaching while doing their stuff with birch twigs. Stutta had heard about conditioning for martial arts but had not realised it could look like this. It was quickly becoming clear to him that the surrounding area was filling up with other, similarly bizarrely clad individuals: fluorescent llamas rubbed shoulders with small women in rags with baskets of fish. Several stormtroopers were advancing from the west and a man barking into a microphone to a background of banging techno appeared to be coordinating everything.

Stutta tried blinking a few times, hoping this was a final part of his partied out haze but the images remained stubbornly present.
"Burple, can you see this s**t too?", he asked. Burple turned round from his conversation with the tutu cop, took a deep breath and answered.....

[#1 Stutta]

"See what? There ain't nothing out there. What are you talking about Stutta?"

Stutta replied, "You don't see that? It's right there! There's llamas and stormtroopers and techno music playing. It's all there!"

Then, Stutta got off of Burple's shoulder and started dancing to the music he heard. Burple stared at him and wondered to himself, "What the hell is he doing?" The cop saw Stutta, too. She walked up to him, brought out her police baton, and......

[Serpico]

Whacked Andy upside the head for starting this mess. Then the cop went on to kill Burple, #1Stutta, and everyone else who hasn't died in this story yet. Andy, when he regained consciousness, became drunk with fury. With eyes glowing an angry red, spittle flying from his mouth, veins bulging, he tore his shirt open, screamed "What have you done to my Burple"? With that angry berserker cry Andy leaped into the story, his wrath knowing know boundries...

[Qis]

except those imposed by the material world in which he existed and the fact that aliens are unwilling to take part in this story...

-Qis

[booksie_girl]

I might just go back to where Stutta left off....

and trippd, her high-heeled boots and tight leather pants (necessary to bring sex appeal to the proffecion of police-woman), not exactly being practical. 'Groaning goblins!' She exclaimed. 'I knew I should have protested when the womens soccer team.... anyway, Burple, here's another quest for you, will you do something about those idiots who think women need to dress like this to get their job done?' ......

[Freeform]

You have to dress the president of FIFA up in a pink tutu and get him on breakfast television to embarass him.

[fluffydoc]

Fair enough thought Burple. "Can I have your tutu now that you've changed into that leather outfit?", he asked the cop.
"Be my guest, at least this stuff is warmer. I'm off to audition for the next series of Pop Idols. I'm sure I'll get picked in these".

"Now to find the president of FIFA", proclaimed Burple, confident that at least this quest could be achieved. Stutta groaned. "I'm quitting mate, there's been too much weird s**t happening when I hang around with you. I'm going to start a bring-your-own-steer rodeo, I'm sure it'll be much quieter".

Burple looked around for his next form of transport and noticed a bus stop nearby. He walked over to it and found there was a queue of......

[TheBorderer]

Kung-Fu Hamsters, swinging their little nunchucks (spelling? :confused: ) and sining "Kung Fu Fighting" with much fervor...

"Oh no, not the cheap MA novelty toys market" Burple thought.

Then all of a sudden one of them turned round and shouted

"Hey guys, look it's that Burple dude!"

Suddenly a swathe of Kung Fu hamsters made their way over to Burple, as if he was the pied piper.

"Please help us" the lead hamster said "We're being hunted down by Kgirl, who seems to think all we are is tacky.. I mean we can't help it it's just..."He then broke into floods of tears.

"There there" said Burple, picking up hamster, "don't worry, you'll be alright. In fact I could do with a small army of Kung Fu hamsters.... see I need to dress the president of FIFA in a tutu, and my mate Strutta has decided to call it a day, so will you help me?"

[booksie_girl]

'Well...' said the hamster, 'I think I could manage it, if you throwin in some cheese (do hamsters eat cheese? I don't think so, make it a carrot) and a wheel, with hanging bag.'

[shotokanwarrior]

decided to commit seppuku rather than dishonor himself by refusing the duel or being defeated. he had just eviscerated himself when a phoenix descended and started blubbering into his lacerations, which were then healed. he became superhuman and kicked the old man's ass into oblivion.
what is my post doing here? it's supposed to be after the one about the fish duel.

[shotokanwarrior]

'Well...' said the hamster, 'I think I could manage it, if you throwin in some cheese (do hamsters eat cheese? I don't think so, make it a carrot) and a wheel, with hanging bag.'
Just then Agent Smith comes along and says tpo the hamsters, 'I can save you from the evil Kgirl. You can become agents of the Matrix, which will mean you will have the power to move in and out of anywhere in the world. You will also have supernatural martial arts skills.....'

[Mushroom]

Just then Agent Smith comes along and says tpo the hamsters, 'I can save you from the evil Kgirl. You can become agents of the Matrix, which will mean you will have the power to move in and out of anywhere in the world. You will also have supernatural martial arts skills.....'


But due to a glitch in the system, you will have giant tongues...

[shotokanwarrior]

Hey, guys. I killed this thread, so I feel honour bound to resurrect it. So:

...'You will have giant tongues,which will be super hard and conditioned, so you will be able to use them to fight with. You will also have the ability to do superhumanly loud and noxious farts. '

So they agree to Agent Smith's offer and become agents of the Matrix. Agent Smith takes his new recruits away to train in the necessary skills of an agent. They are practising the aerial triple kick when Keanu Reeves comes along, looking ice-calm and inhumanly sexy in his long black cape and his skin-tight black jumper which displays his sleek sculptured body...

[Yama Tombo]

"Much to everyones' surprise he can't fight due to the botox injections..."

[shotokanwarrior]

'Oh, crap,' mutters Keanu Reeves. 'Agent Smith is sure to attack me, and these botox injections have ruined my fighting performance.' Then Shotokan Warrior descends from the sky at superhuman speed, distorting spacetime in her wake. She rolls across the ground on landing and stands in front of Keanu Reeves as Agent Smith advances. She says, 'Revenge is sweet, Smith, but unfortunately you can't have any.' Agent Smith sneers and side-kicks Shotokan Warrior in the stomach. He bounces off. 'Dammit!' he mutters. 'My sensei told me women can't take shots. I'm going to sue him for misinformation.' Meanwhile Shotokan Warrior is advancing, a self-satisfied smile on her face. She jump-kicks Smith in the face. He goes flying through the air and embeds himself in the wall of a nearby building. 'Not again,' he mutters in a bored voice. The hamsters see what Shotokan Warrior has done and they run. She turns to Keanu Reeves and says, 'Just one second Keanu, I will change the Matrix to get rid of the Botox in your muscles, then you will have your superhuman powers back.' After Keanu's strength is restored they fly off together. They are streaking through the sky when they meet...

[Jeff]

Flying cheeze monkeys who fed them as much cheeze as they liked. conntent with this they killed them all to ensure that all of the cheeze was theirs. They ate it all and barfed and chunked for a while and then went to kick some more ass...

[Jeff]

ok.Tyen shun an invisible patriot goes to the survivors of the earth and says. I want you to pay me tax to rebuild this place. seing as there was no money lef they all tried to beat him up. seeing as he was invisible he got away. meanwhile the other guys in the thread two before this laugh histerically at this. so they went...