Confidence?

[Telsun]

I am a fairly confident martial artist. In the dojo I have all the humble confidence that I could wish for. But take me out of the dojo and its gone. Why doesn't my confidence leave the dojo with me?

[Jim]

Its a training issue that you can overcome with time. It also has a lot to do with personality type and the fact that the Dojo is a controlled environment, whereas real life isn't.

[Telsun]

I have been training about 15yrs. My confidence in my martial ability is not lost. It is lost in my everyday life, actually I would say it is mainly with other people. I do not have much confidence in what I am saying especially with senior people, strangers and women (I am married and am not trying it on with every girl I meet!!). The controlled, familiar environment is intersting though. Thanks Jim.

[pesilat]

Originally posted by Telsun
I have been training about 15yrs. My confidance in my martial ability is not lost. It is lost in my everyday life, actually I would say it is mainly with other people. I do not have much confidence in what I am saying especially with senior people, strangers and women (I am married and am not trying it on with evry girl I meet!!). The controlled, familiar environment is intersting though. Thanks Jim.

Here's a kind of epitome I had. It was specifically related to teaching MA, but it helped outside of MA, too.

I realized that when I'm teaching (or whatever), that I'm "the man." I'm not just teaching material, I'm teaching my perspective on that material. My perspective is based on my personal history, experience, and background. Therefore, no one else in the world can present the material the same way I do. No one else has my perspective. Even if they understand the material better than I do, there is still stuff they can learn (and I can teach) from my specific perspective that is completely unique and may help their overall understanding.

This principle can also be applied outside of martial arts.

Also, "engaging the brain before the tongue" is useful. It prevents you from talking out your wazoo and putting your foot in your mouth.

Know your strengths and weaknesses. When the topic turns toward your weaknesses, become the "strong silent" type. When it turns toward your strengths, then go with the flow and share your knowledge from your perspective.

Because of this, a lot of people think I'm a lot smarter/wiser than I really think I am because nearly every time I open my mouth, I say something authoritative. People remember that and forget that a lot of time, my mouth is shut :)

Of course, I suppose that understanding your strengths and weaknesses and using them to your advantage can be considered "smart and wise" :)

Mike

[Telsun]

Mike, I thought that you may come to my rescue!! Thank you. Yes I think that with some practice I can apply your advice.
I always think before I speak but sometimes I think myself out of speaking!! You see, I convince myself that what I have to say is of no importance and end up not saying anything.
It is interesting what you say about people think that you are "smarter" than you are as people often have a higher opinion of me than I am worthy off, that is people I am familiar with and feel confident around.

[pesilat]

Originally posted by Telsun
Mike, I thought that you may come to my rescue!! Thank you. Yes I think that with some practice I can apply your advice.
I always think before I speak but sometimes I think myself out of speaking!! You see, I convince myself that what I have to say is of no importance and end up not saying anything.
It is interesting what you say about people think that you are "smarter" than you are as people often have a higher opinion of me than I am worthy off, that is people I am familiar with and feel confident around.

If you always remember that no one else in the world has your specific perspective, then it may prevent you from "thinking yourself out of speaking."

Mike

[Jim]

It may be that you're introverted and/or maybe agrophobic. I know that sometimes in crowds I feel as though people are all watching me and when going shopping without a list or specific items in mind I can walk around for hours in a stupour. In my case it has a lot to do with where I grew up - a country area where I went for long periods without seeing other people.

Mike's right about the 'speaking without thinking' thing. I don't usually say much so when I do people usually stop to listen - makes you seem wiser, but that's a side-effect. This is good also if you are particularly good at Kiai as the stunning effect gives you a good few seconds of action while others stand there dumbfounded.

[morphus]

Hmmm..... i have a similar problem with confidence BUT my confidence problem seems to fluctuate. For periods of time i can be very insecure and introvert - then sometimes i'm the opposite, confident and even a little extrovert doing things out of the character most people know. This can reflect in the dojang/dojo AND even posting on this forum(occasionally i am cohesive and can sound as though i know what i'm talking about, then sometimes disjointed and type absolute jiberish) this can also be a verbal problem.
The thing is, it's not always a problem but can be for longish periods of time.
Any help or advice out there??

[Telsun]

I have never read your jiberish morphus!!! Just the good stuff, but I know what you mean. I am the same on the forum. It took me ages just to start writing replies, thinking that what I have to say is of no value. I'm getting into the swing of it now though. Although I still doubt the value of my input!

It's nice to know that I am not on my own.

[Bon]

Your mental way of thinking is reflected in your actions I believe...

If you think people won't want to talk to me, you'll go out of your way to avoid them, etc. and they think you don't want to talk to them and you're a snob.

Guess you have to realise you *do* have stuff you can give to people and you're good to talk to, so people do want to hear what you have to say and think.

Even if what comes out is rubbish, people will generally be quick to criticise/argue, so you gain new a new insight and important information. This is why you can waste hours on forums... :)

[Andy Murray]

Telsun,

I identify with this absolutely.

Better to have self doubt, than no consideration whatsoever.

As regards the forum, it's sometimes better not to think too much.

If people can't respect comments that come from the heart and gut, then they probably have their own issues to deal with?

[Telsun]

Thanks guys there is some stuff that I can apply there.
If you think people won't want to talk to me, you'll go out of your way to avoid them, etc. and they think you don't want to talk to them and you're a snob.
You have summed me up here, I think. Although I think that I am more likely to be thought of as arrogant than a snob.


Better to have self doubt, than no consideration whatsoever.
Thank you for this statement and statements made by others. It is nice to know that being the quiet mysterious type is okay.

[zen_tiger_claw]

you'll find that your lack of confidence has changed somewhat during your training. that's because before you where worrying about getting beaten.
now you are worrying about beating. you are most brobably tought every lesson never to fight. it is a last resort.
you are afraid of going against the teachings and hurting someone. it is a good thing. it will help you on your way.
do not try to "conquer it", just understand it.

[steeldiscipline]

Its kind of strange that you all are talking about this. Its something I battle eveyday. But was beging to think maybe it was a chemical thing. Social anxiety if you will. It feels good to know that there are others that may feel the same. At one time I thought that maybe even my martial arts tranning had some how caused it. Let me explain. No matter were we go or what we do I think the absolute worst. Im constintly maping out my options when Im in social situations as if every one is out to get me. Some may think this is good but, it makes for a stressful life.
any words of encouragement for an insane man.

[grandmaster mat]

i never use to be confident around girls but i thought about why i wasnt, then i worked on it and i was ok, infact, the other day i was teaching a white belt girl her pattern, u kno, just touching it up and stuff(not her) and i shared my knoledge of how to do it properly and we had a jolly good chat, but i must admit i did make her do some moves that she didnt need to grade with just to c her extremely nice body move lol

[morphus]

before you where worrying about getting beaten
Yep t'is true!

Now i worry about losing - i don't care about the beating anymore.

[Topher]

This may be off centre but in Rush Hour 1 in the beginning, Chris Tucker though Jackie couldn’t speak English; Tucker was blabbering on about a bunch of crap and Jackie was like: “and now I know how full of **** you really are”. By just opening your mouth and speaking you can give away too much of you personality and could end up looking like an arse. If you don’t have anything to say, people can’t assume what your like. And when you do want to speak, just evaluate it in your mind first. Again, this may be swaying a bit off-topic but you get what I trying to say :)

[Knight_Errant]

A good thing with confidence is to do something that scares you a lot every day. You eventually turn into a complete headcase.

[Telsun]

I forgot about this thread. Interesting isn't it, how so many people lack confidence. When I look around me I see so many confident people that I feel quite isolated.
any words of encouragement for an insane man.
I guess we can seek comfort in the fact that we are not alone:Alien:

Actually since posting this thread my confidence has improved. I am not where I want to be and it does fluctuate but I am getting there. I still struggle with authoritive figures and pretty women!! I just feel so intimidated.
Anyway I think that by reading I have improved. Recently I have read a couple of self help books on life. Nothing deep, quite enjoyable actually. One was by Geoff Thompson (acclaimed british author and martial artist) titled "The Great Escape" and "Escape to Prosperity" by Wes Beavis. I cannot tell you exactly what was in these books that helped me but they have made me feel more at ease with my surroundings. Like I said I'm getting there and developing habits that I like.

On the flip side the books also frustrated me at how far my dreams are from reality. Even though this was what they were trying to encourage!

I blame my parents..........

[Knight_Errant]

any words of encouragement for an insane man.
Endeavour to become unhinged and dangerous.

[Zen Master]

Originally in this topic was the fact that ur confidence leeves u out of the dojo, I dont have that problem as our trainer quite frequently brought us out of the dojo to fight on the street against friends of his that we didnt know, for my seventh grade my trainer took me to a park on our way to a supposed get together for our team, three guys showed up, whom my trainer knew, and they attacked me, he pretended to be knocked out pretty early an the jus watched me fight! Its **** like that that got me to be ready for real strret fights not jus competition fighting.

[Marku]

i hardly have any confidense for alot of things(meeting new people etc). Its why ive taken so long to start Martial arts but i feel confident enough to at least check the place out i want to goto and Hopefully it will be the kind of place i can build my confidense with no worries.

[TheBorderer]

Hmm...yeah I think we all suffer from 'lapses' in confidence, I feel so, sometimes I'll feel like "Let's Rock!" but then later... "mmm nah", sometimes on here actually I'll think of something to post but not doing so, maybe thats lack of confidience to state my opinion,view, or witty repartee to a joke, without feeling that I'm posting utter rubbish or the mods won't like me? :) Duno, but yeah confidence is a tricky thing I think, I feel since I started uni and Tae Kwon Do while at uni, last October I feel better, other people have comented as such to at the change. I maybe at first expected a more 'dramatic' change, but like with most things, it can take time and effort to work on. I know with me, that I feel confidence can sometimes be a double edged sword in that, you can be over confident and cocky (which I try not to be and don't seem to like being), or not confident at all and would rather not do anything!

I suppose again this is in a way you could say is linked to fear slightly, like socially, you could say you have 'fear' of being rejected or saying something dumb etc, and confidence makes you feel like you can say your piece without feeling that way. Anything that helps confidence is of course good, I feel studying Tae Kwon Do and being at uni has helped, and also with confidence, its like my dad says of "comfort zones" the more you do to "push the envelope" and go out your comfort zone, I guess that helps confidence too!

I guess also confidence is also a natural attribute too, some people naturaly have more than others as they just seem to! But confidence can always, like most things be gained from expereince and learning, it's all just a matter of time.

[Mist]

All the way through high school I wasn't very secure or confident with myself. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I had and still somewhat have really really bad acne. I didn't like myself and the high school atmosphere doesn't help it when you know there is something physically wrong with your complexion. For the most part I had a few good friends and everyone else just kinda stayed away from me. I didn't participate in class much and was pretty quiet, stayed in the back of the room if possible. Then I got a job in a small restaurant. When I started I was real quiet but I opened up more and more as time went on and I got to know the people that worked there regularly and didn't quit after 3 weeks. Eventually I got to where I talked to everyone at work with no problem at all, even the people on their first day at work. I was able to joke around and show my true personality that my friends and family know. At school though I was still unconfortable, and generally stayed quiet. I got another job elsewhere and was once again quiet at first and opened up. I started going to concerts and things recently, I force myself into social situations. I took up JuJitsu. Now I am in college, I talk confidently to anyone that sits next to me or I have to work with. At work I speak openly and confidently. Everyone that I come in contact with soon finds out what my personality is really like. Thankfully it is a personality that people like. I even got an informal date for next weekend and if you remember I said at the beginning I'm not the prettiest man alive.

I am not sure what I'm trying to point out with this story. But it kinda tells how you can have a great personallity and if you don't let anyone know about it you can just sit in a state of unconfidence. It took me several years but I finally opened the packaging and released the gift. If I can do it, anyone can.

Take what you would like to from this post I just felt that my story would be inspirational to those who are where I once was.

[Xia]

It doesn't matter...if you are confident in the "dojo"...you need to express your fists, freely and believe "do" what is to be done. Your confidence should not be blinded by the mirror, I should start following my own words.