Things to include in a cheesy kungfu movie :D

[Jack]

Hey guys, in the the summer I will be involved in a cheesy satiratical kung-fu movie and in the process of gathering ideas, I'd like to ask all of you to list as many qualities or small events that happen in cheesy kung fu movies.

For example, the evil Manchu Wizard will ride a flying spider. We are going to show this by making a spider prop and strapping an action man to this (dressed as a wizard) and fly it with a visible string.

So list ANY ideas you have! :)

[Andy Murray]

Weeeeeelll!

You need a gruesome motive for the story, where all the hero's family are maimed and killed.

Then you need a pre-posterous training section where your hero learns his Craft (yeah I said Craft).

You need some ridiculous stunts and fight scenes using live poultry!

Maybe a love triangle in there too?

Where will we be able to see this film Jack, and do you need any extra's?

[Spike]

A small wizened old master who talks utter utter bullpoo

[darlph]

Don't forget the extra long fingernails and extra long fumanchu mustastaches. Then,there's the part where the lips don't match the words:)

[Jack]

Spike - Oh yes, we will have two of them. And I am already in the process of collecting loads of utter utter bull"poo" quotes :)

Extra-long mustaches? Will do. And yes, our dubbing will be incredible. :)


Andy - We have not only one master getting gruesemly maimed, but TWO. We'll consider having his family slaughtered also. And I have already suggested having a scene in which he is practicing and suddenly he understands his chi. Wutah!

A love triangle may be difficult since all the female actors will likely be the Manchu Wizard's slave whores. (Demeaning women, hoho!)

I'm sure we could post the finished video up to anyone who wants it, and Andy we'd seriously love any extras - we only have a few actual martial artists in the team at the moment. :) We're down in Norwich, Norfolk filming in the summer so if you're interested let me know. :)

[r4bid]

check out myfightscenes.com full of silly fight scenes filmed by this guy in his backyard.

[pgm316]

A classic kung fu film must have a few things!

They always have the same story. Bad guy kills a nice bloke. Nice bloke's borther is a Kung Fu expert. Challenges nasty man, Gets his ass badly kicked but survives. Goes off to learn another style of Kung Fu from some old weird drunken bloke. Then goes back and kills the bady. Please note, a good kung Fu film should have no more story than this! :D

Easy :p

Don't forget to include the odd token bit of random dialogue that starts of with "God damn it...... " Or "But you don't not realise my secret 13 finger technique.... " Oh and how the bad guy politely explains in detail how he's going to kill everyone ;)

And make sure you re-dub it for no reason, pretty badly!

[khafra]

One thing, I'm sure you'll put it in, but it wasn't explicitly stated--The hero has to take at least one 30 foot, somersaulting leap to land directly behind a bad guy. And catch a shaken or shuriken thrown at him.

[KickChick]

Originally posted by Andy Murray
Weeeeeelll!

You need a gruesome motive for the story, where all the hero's family are maimed and killed.

Then you need a pre-posterous training section where your hero learns his Craft (yeah I said Craft).

You need some ridiculous stunts and fight scenes using live poultry!

Maybe a love triangle in there too?

Where will we be able to see this film Jack, and do you need any extra's?

:D surprisingly that sounds just like the Kung Fu satire movie "Kung Pow" ... well, 'cept poultry throw in a cow!

[johndoch]

U need animal fights like crane (budgie) and snake (worm), Fights with different weapons like fan vs stool (check out The Young Master), the hero fighting the invisible man eh what am I talking about.

[Cougar_v203]

things you need:
1.) bad translation
2.)crappy camera :D
3.) your mom trying to prevent the fight but you still want to fight for the sake of honor
4.) emperor
5.) sound effects
6.) hostage
7.) hotdogs
8.)relish :D :) :P
10.) BEANS!!!
11.)--------> ZIIING!!

[Brad Ellin]

Don't forget a whirly bladed weapon that spins under it's own power, or looks so wicked and structurally impossible to build.

[Jack]

Originally posted by Cougar_v203
things you need:
3.) your mom trying to prevent the fight but you still want to fight for the sake of honor


"But son, your sensei would not want such blood on his conscious! Please, don't go."
"But I must avenge my master's murder." *Clenches fist and stares into it coldly* *orchestral music builds up*

[YODA]

Don't forget.....

- A liberal sprinkling of Waaaataaaah!
- People flying backwards onto buildings - make sure you can see the wires.
- The scene where our hero learns his "skills" must be...
a) Far too short for him to actually learn anything
b) Contain moves in no way related to how he will fight in the final showdown (JCVD learning Muay Thai then spin kicking everyone springs to mind)

[Darzeka]

Have at least one en masse fight scene where the good guys fight off an incredible number of "storm trooper" opponents who all decide taking turns to attack would be a good idea. When they are wiaiting thier turn have them either not paying attention and talking amongst themselves of aimlessly swinging weapons where the hero was three seconds ago.

Two random ninja scenes that have nothing to do with the clear as mud main storyline.

Have the narrator go on a big spiel about honour, clans and how this person's family will help him in all times of need then contradict him by letting the character die alone at the hands of 14 evil ninjas.

Abrubtly end it after having almost concluded the story.

Write the dialogue like a five year old.

Evil kung fu master must have an evil henchman who trains a "goon squad" who are absolute crap and have him beat them repeatedly then expect them to defeat the hero in said en masse battle. Evil henchman must have previous history with hero which is revealed poorly and doesn't really affect the storyline (may be a relative). He may also have a physical deformity (missing hand, eye, foot, teeth which has been replaced by something metal and shiny).

One random ninja must wield some weapon that clearly couldn't hurt anyone, give a silly little display of his prowess with silly little weapon then die in two seconds after attempting silly technique with silly weapon which ultimately put him in the position to be killed.

Anytime someone moves super humanly fast, dissapears, jumps way way too far, changes weapons or clothes or catches throw knife, ninja star, arrow or bullet - cut the crap out of it badly. You may want continuity errors here (cigarettes being little more than a stub then long then short again, clothes changing colour, etc).

Someone must smoke a cigar with a flame thrower or magic flame (probably badguy).

Training scene must have pointless, painful excerises that will only hurt the hero and not improve him.

[pgm316]

The bad guy should fight in a very stylistic way, something like Mantis, Iron Palm or Tai Chi. Possibly have long white hair, bushy white eye brows and a girly laugh :D

[Cougar_v203]

KUNG FUU GUERILLA :D

[Adam]

You forgot: Ridiculous breaking of bricks, boards, buildings, you name it (The great mizoguchi-san shall now attempt to break a space shuttle with his nose), and very overdone noises when someone gets hit.

[Trent Tiemeyer]

Someone in the film MUST practice Juko Kai, and take an alarming amount of punishment to the groin, OR have a fight scene where every strike is directed at the groin.

GROIN+STRIKES=FUNNY.:)