Any advice/wisdom for getting over breakups?

[Jack]

Hey guys, I've just had a really harsh unfair breakup, none of which was why fault, even she has said that, but I really don't deserve it.

I've been coming to terms with it and trying to get on with life, I am still pissed off and upset but it is getting a little less every day. I miss her, but I've accepted theres no chance of getting back with her, and if there was I doubt I would take it now.

I've been talking to friends and talking back to the negative thoughts in my heads, and I've really been trying my absolute hardest to get on with things but when I see her around I start feeling jealous and upset and angry again, so I was just wondering if anybody with a bit more experience than I could lend some advice for getting over break-ups as well as possible?

Thanks very much,
Take GOOD care,
Jack

[hongkongfuey]

If you want an expert on breaking up, then try Cooler!

I suppose everyone will have different ways of dealing with this, just like there are so many different attitudes to practising Martial Arts. What has worked for me in the past has been :

Keep yourself busy - do loads of training, work or whatever. Really throw yourself into things that you enjoy. You wont have time to think about 'her'

Probably best to avoid places where she goes to drink. If you have shared friends then this might be tough.

Have some fun - you'll look back on your single days as some of the happiest days of your life if you do. I still remember the old days, playing video games round a mates house all day, getting drunk, training and going 'on the pull'.

Years ago, I broke up with someone very close to me, and I had very few close friends where I lived. It was Martial Arts that helped me keep myself together and it made me a stronger person. I also met my wife through Martial Arts, so I have a lot to thank them for!

If, however, you really need that femine touch in your life, then rent out a video, and point your browser to the following link.

http://www.sixsixfive.com/girlfriend1.html

[Fergie Boy]

Oh suck it up man. Supress any emotions you don't like, just ignore them, put them in a box and nalil the lid shut.

[ROBERT]

Time heals all wounds.

If you do not want to wait, get a hooker!

Seriously, sometimes the best cure for a lost love is a new one.

Robert

[Spike]

"Oh suck it up man. Supress any emotions you don't like, just ignore them, put them in a box and nalil the lid shut."

tick tick tick

[Toddmo]

It's a difficult topic, but having been left by my fiance in my younger years after she was only gone for a 2 month vacation where she met and became engaged to another guy, I came to some conclusions:

1. It's not the gender's fault-Everyone has been hurt, and she is not representative of the entire female gender. Women cannot be blamed for her problems.

2. You can't "just be friends." You have been intimate with this person, either physically, emotionally, or both. You may be friends again in some distant future, but right now it is impossible to just "hang out with someone and be friends" that last week was your intimate partner.

3. Don't be a white knight--women that need to be rescued from someone else, will eventually need to be rescued from you too. It's a cycle. This phrase may be heard: "it's not you, it's me." All I can say to that is, "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!"

4. Finally, the best advice given to me was from my dad after my fiance left..."there are plenty of fish in the sea." One of the best times in my life was when I was finishing college and asked out any girl I pleased. Some said "no," others said "yes," but I always had a good time. There were 2 simple rules. Number 1: we are dating. We are not married, we are not engaged, and we are not exclusive. If you can't handle that, I understand, but we shouldn't go out. Number 2: We were not intimate...I didn't mind fooling around a little, but I'm not that kind of guy. I had the best time and was out with some really neat and interesting, and some not so neat and interesting, ladies. I really came to terms with what I was looking for.

This simple 4 step program was what I used when I met my wife. We have been married for 12 years, and she is every bit as beautiful now as the day we met, inside and out. She can do full splits, pass the guard, kick a lightbulb out of the ceiling, and double tap 2 controlled .357 magnum rounds accurately in less than a second. Unfortunately for her, she has me. As long as she's willing to keep me, I am here for the long run.

Good luck to you...it can be a hard road.

[Pacificshore]

I'm sure that there will be a sting after a recent break-up. Try to take some time for yourself. Look out for number one which in this case will be you. Do the things you've always wanted to do, but kept putting it off because of your past relationship. Now you have the time. Meet up with old friends, or girlfriends that you've lost contact with. Just don't rush back into another relationship, also known as "rebound syndrome". Take your time, and before you know it, or when you least expect it there will be someone new in front of you to forge a new beginning!

[TkdWarrior]

"tick tick tick"
>>>BOOM<<<
dont' surpress emotions, one day they'll brust out very very bad...

dont worry dude it's just a break up. go n start looking for another girl...
my idea is simple...
when u r with girl be honest n caring n give respect...
after that, let the hell cut loose... n find another...
just remember life doesn't stop here..

Emotions?? nahhhh they don't get over me...never... never been emotional guy...
-TkdWarrior-

[Bon]

I can't really say too much without knowing the details of the break up.

But, if it's harsh like you say it is, are they really deserving and worthy of your company, attention, love, etc. ?

Fact is most of your teenage relationships won't last, and while you think she's the greatest thing on Earth, she's so perfect, you can't live without her, blah, blah, blah, she's looking for the perfect guy. :D

No one's perfect. It's a learning experience - you learn what you do/don't like in women, and how to be better in bed to please the woman you really want! :D

[Jack]

AHHHHHHHHH

I just wrote SO SO MUCH in detail about our relationship and then started responding to everyone, when I accidentally tapped the back button and LOST IT ALL.

I'll sum it up very quickly.

My ex "J" and her ex "N" were going out for ages. N never treated J all that well. J met me and started liking me. After a few months, J ended it with N and started flirting with me. I flirted back but when she asked me out after a month or so I said no because I didnt want commitment at that time. Shortly after though I changed my mind and gave it a shot.

5 months down the road and we were deeply in love. Deeply, deeply in love and very happy. But she got upset because we didnt spend enough time together because of my training and somehow got the message training was more important to my life than she was, which is BS because the amount of affection I showed her and comprimises I made for her is far greater than she ever made for me. She ended it after about 5 months saying how she resented me for my "intelligence, willpower, and strength in life" (in her own words) and because she was so envious of me.

After a while of writing numerous letters about comprimise, balancing my life, trying instead of just ending it and THEN saying the problems without warning and without second chance like she, and after a while of her friends and even N telling her to give it another chance, she did.

We had a few very very happy, brilliant, lovely days. I tried my hardest to make her happy and she really really was, but..
Within the space of 24 hours she broke up with me and started going out with N again. Said she still loved him and that had simply been supressed and nailed down (See what harm advice like yours causes, Fergie boy) and had now resurfaced. Said I had done nothing wrong and I had been pretty much perfect since we got back and she was just being a crazy bitch, but it would be "unfair to go out with me if she loved another." Thing is though, if she loves me, she would realise it would be equally unfair going out with N if she had feelings for me.

Anyway basically yeah - ended it with me - couldn't hack the fact I trained and ate good while she sat about smoking weed - still had feelings for her ex - not the sort of person I need in my life.

I'm going to move on and keep trying my best to be happy (honestly with myself though, kidding yourself out of emotions is BAD)

"But, if it's harsh like you say it is, are they really deserving and worthy of your company, attention, love, etc. ?" - I know, unfortunately love is most unlogical.

"she's looking for the perfect guy" - I was a hell of a lot nicer to her and better for her self-esteem than N ever was.

"and how to be better in bed to please the woman you really want" - LOL. I'm far more adventurous and bettah than N ever was I have heard. Hehe.

Going to knuckle down to my training, starting Monday. Going on the pull at this gig on Tuesday with a mate should be fun. Had a guys night in on Friday with curry, beer, and kung fu movies.

I'm going to do what I need for myself, I'm trying my best to be good and decent to her and happy for her, but its better if I dont try to seek her company - but I miss her - but I can fight that missing.

I dont need her though, she was a great lover to have, but if she can revert like that and betray everything in a day, and if she cannot be supportive of my training, and if all she does it sit about smoking weed with this lad, then fine. I'm going to achieve in this world. I'm going to move on and maybe because she seems to just get doubts and messes guys up in changing her mind because she can have whoever she wants - maybe she will regret breaking up with me one day - and I can just turn her down and say its not on to break hearts like this - maybe she will learn a thing or two that day.

Take care,
Jack

[Jack]

Well, that wasn't very quickly summed up at all. lol.

Take care,
Jack

[c_storm51]

I had a similar situation last summer - had a nasty break up. I was on the receiving end of the emotion i.e. I appreared to suffer and she didn't, which made it doubly worse. It took me over a month to stop thinking about things and being jealous etc (like yourself she was dating someone else within a couple of days....and she's still with him). It's one of the toughest things and at the time it seems like the most annoying advice, but time is the greatest healer....and make sure you vent your emotions because like TkdWarrior and Spike said, you're only gonna cause yourself grief in the future. I found the best thing for me was to cut contact with her while I could frame everything. I then concentrated on getting on with daily routine. My Dad actually gave me the best advice - emotions are like children - they scream for your attention and if you give them too much they'll run riot. When you feel an emotion coming on, give it some attention for 5 minutes or so and then tell it to go away - it honestly works, although it's hard to start with! That way you don't run the risk of 'bottling' things. I also like to look at things in terms of "Things happen for a reason"...it keeps things a lot more positive. Try and focus on the good points of what you had and don't dwell on what's happened - you'll only end up resenting her. It WILL get better...honest!!!

[Jack]

Thanks for the reply storm51 - I like the analogy about children screaming. I think I do tend to dwell on things for a few minutes before telling the thought to go away anyway, it seemed like a good balance between blocking things out and dwelling on them.

I know it will get better. But when you still have dreams about being with her that make you happy then waking up to reality and realising the truth, its kinda harsh.

Oh well. I'll keep trying.

[ROBERT]

If you date 4 or 5 girls at a time, then when one breaks it off you will hardly notice it.:D

Robert

[Fergie Boy]

She didn't use enough or big enough nails, anyway it doesn't work as well for girls, it works great for me though.

[Melanie]

I hade no idea we had so many "sensitive" men on the forum - come on girls a nice "AHHHHHH" for the boys! :D

On behalf of the women of this forum (Where are they?) I would like to say Jack, that although I have only ever known you on the Internet, I reckon she has lost probably the most considerate, intelligent and fun person she is ever likely to meet!

Keep ya chin up mate and have a little fun!

[Jack]

Hehe, thank you Melanie - bought a big grin to my face LOL. :)

And I'm going to have plenty of fun come Tuesday night, trust me. ;) :D

Thanks again guys, I'm feeling worlds better at the moment!

[Jim]

5 months? 5 MONTHS? TRY AFTER 3 BLOODY YEARS!!!

Nah, I'm not mad anymore. My shrink told me so - well one of them did anyway... Try not to think of her and mr new guy sitting around laughing at the things you said to each other in private... *Where's that punching bag?*

Gotta keep breathing, Jim. Just let the air in then out...

Best revenge, live a good, fun life... maybe. Jury's still out...

[Jack]

LOL Jim, keep strong mate. I've had breakups after 1 year and after 5 1/2 months, so I don't know how that would feel.

I was really looking forward to getting back into my routine today but I have fallen intensely ill. :(

[pgm316]

Maybe you should ask Melanie out! :D

I'm sure us men are a lot more sensitive than you women think! Often we'll burry out emotions deep down, only to go home and have a good cry ;)

I don't think length of time in a relationship makes all that much difference.....

Either way its often something you never get over, but just get used too over time.

Going out drinking trying to find someone else isn't always a good idea. Looking for a new women will come across as desperate and will probably work against you, and the alcohol can easily make you more depressed and God knows what trouble you could get yourself into.

Just enjoy being single again for a bit, its not all that bad!

[Tosh]

Ahhhhaa!


Right, I'm dubbing myself master of all turbulent and troublesome relationships/breakups.

I've done 3 1/2 years and recentely 2 years.....

Personnally, in these situations there is only one solution, surround yourself with as many of the fine female form as you can. For the following reasons.

1) Right now your probably at the most sensitive and caring as you have ever been in your life.

2) Women love lending a shoulder to cry on, just look at Melanies response! Sorry Mel, but your genetic "sisters" live for the hurt male figure just as much as the "bad" guy.

3) You'll probably bump into someone who has always liked you for ages but hasn't really spoke to you because she doesn't like your ex.

4) I know I'm going to get slated for this but, right now you've got the oppurtunity to be a complete scumbag in the relationship stakes, and then innocentely blame it on....

....."Hey it's not your fault, it's me!" ..... and the circle of life goes on!

<awaiting flamethrower attack>

Happy hunting

[pgm316]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that in my post Tosh! ;)

[TkdWarrior]

I'm sure us men are a lot more sensitive than you women think! Often we'll burry out emotions deep down, only to go home and have a good cry
shessssssshhhhhhh Pgm that's a biiiiiggggggg lie...
last time when i cried was..??....
damn i forgot...it must hav been anything to do with my mom spanking :D

....."Hey it's not your fault, it's me!" ..... and the circle of life goes on!
Man tosh, i bet u luv to b!tch around... :D
-TkdWarrior-

[Tosh]

Hey, I'm currently just passed the sensitive, "what went wrong phase" and am know in my "Hey being single rules!" phase!!


Trust me, there are plenty of women out there thinking the exact same thing! ;)

[TkdWarrior]

don't worry i m in that phase too :D but sensitive?? nawwww


-Tkdwarrior-

[c_storm51]

I'll vouch for Tosh on that one....and I've not known him long....!!!!

[Acekicken]

Originally posted by Jack
Hey guys, I've just had a really harsh unfair breakup, none of which was why fault, even she has said that, but I really don't deserve it.

I've been coming to terms with it and trying to get on with life, I am still pissed off and upset but it is getting a little less every day. I miss her, but I've accepted theres no chance of getting back with her, and if there was I doubt I would take it now.

I've been talking to friends and talking back to the negative thoughts in my heads, and I've really been trying my absolute hardest to get on with things but when I see her around I start feeling jealous and upset and angry again, so I was just wondering if anybody with a bit more experience than I could lend some advice for getting over break-ups as well as possible?

Thanks very much,
Take GOOD care,
Jack

Bro Get on the Phone Call up The Boyz
Tell "Em" it's PARTY TIME.

Hit The Local Strip Club & Relive Your Mind
for at least a night.

Hope That Helps,,,, So Pop 1 opean,Fire 1up & get Extream

[Jack]

Had a good night last night. Went to this gig to watch some local bands play, had a couple of manly pints and had the company of a fair dame or two. Was good fun.

Spent £4 this morning talking to ex on the phone when I got up but its going alright, I had a good laugh with her on the phone and being friends didn't feel too bad.

[pgm316]

Good to hear you had a good night! So what happened with the fair dames, or are you really trying to get it back on with the ex, ie the £4!!! phone call.

At the moment I'm leaving singleness, and its quite sad. But I'm not giving up friday nights in town with the lads! ;)

[SpongeBob]

I've been where you have Jack mate.

Best thing I can advise, extreme as it may be is to move on. Keeping in touch with someone you love so much will only keep brining back the hurt and pain, trust me on that one.

It was the hardest thing I ever did but now I've got on with my life and am much happier for it.

Some things are just not meant to be, but on the flip side there is always something better out there for you.

Don't go looking for it though, just live your life, be yourself, have fun and that special something will find you one day.

And until that special something comes along, have lots of special experiences :D :D :D

[pgm316]

Unless you keep in touch and get back togther ;)

I know what you mean, if its not going to happen clinging onto it will be more painfull.

[Bon]

Originally posted by Jack
Anyway basically yeah - ended it with me - couldn't hack the fact I trained and ate good while she sat about smoking weed - still had feelings for her ex - not the sort of person I need in my life.

If your SO isn't supportive of you and can't understand your training, then she's not the one for you, IMO. I wouldn't have it any other way. My MA training gives me something that NO ONE else can give me.


I'm going to move on and keep trying my best to be happy

"she's looking for the perfect guy" - I was a hell of a lot nicer to her and better for her self-esteem than N ever was.


I'm going to do what I need for myself, I'm trying my best to be good and decent to her and happy for her, but its better if I dont try to seek her company - but I miss her - but I can fight that missing.

I dont need her though, she was a great lover to have, but if she can revert like that and betray everything in a day, and if she cannot be supportive of my training, and if all she does it sit about smoking weed with this lad, then fine. I'm going to achieve in this world. I'm going to move on and maybe because she seems to just get doubts and messes guys up in changing her mind because she can have whoever she wants - maybe she will regret breaking up with me one day - and I can just turn her down and say its not on to break hearts like this - maybe she will learn a thing or two that day.


Why the phone call with her that you mentioned in a later post, Jack? It's her loss, and you're making out to her as if it's your loss.

Don't you see the difference between you and her? She's still dependent on others for how she feels, she's not independent yet - she's still a 5 year old in a 16 year old body. The only reason she's with this guy is because he's around all the time for her when she wants him to be since she's dependent, chances are they will both end up nowhere in life. You're way ahead of them, man, but it's good to see you won't be pulled down to their level. I guarentee that if were to let her be dependent on you, she'd have still been going out with you. :)

Bon

[Jack]

Phone call was just to show we were good mates still and could chat and have a life.

pgm - well, I'm 16, I don't have a place of my own, and the fair dames were not that amazing, so not lots happened hehe.

But pgm, spongebob, Bon... thanks! I was feeling down thinking about it just now (Because i'm really ill and was just walking in the cold at night, felt awful, so negative thoughts start flowing) but reading those posts has bought my mood back up before I go to bed. Cheers!

[ladyhawk]

Gentlemen,
My martial arts training was one of the contributing factors to the breakup of my marriage so I can relate to what you guys are saying. My ex's only understanding of martial arts was what he saw on TV. As far as he was concerned all I was doing was learning how to fight. It bothered him that I spent so much time
training with guys but he wasn't interested in training with me. He never came to see me compete and refused to go to any of the family oriented activities that our dojo has thru out the year
even though he was invited. We had a serious difference of opinion.

It's not easy for a non martial artist to understand our passion for studying/training in the arts and accept our lifestyle.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves."
-Aristotle (384-322 BC)
-Greek philosopher

[Bon]

Good quote, ladyhawk.

Guess I won't be going out with anyone who's not understanding and supportive, the guys at my dojo are lucky they have wives who are supportive and understanding.

[Terry Matthes]

DRINK . . . . LOTS! If you can't remember your own name, chances are you are not thinking about her (or him). Seriously though, drink as much as you can :D

PS - Talking helps to, I talk my friends to death whever I feel blue (whilst sipping on beer of course).

[Jack]

Haha Terry, my drinking week is over and I'm back to school.

I'm having no troubles when I talk to her or see her talking to others - Its getting very similar to when we were friends so its all cool.

First day of training yesterday - damn my back and arse hurt! Bloody Neckbridges and Deep Horseriding Stances. :D

[KickChick]

:( Jack!
Well, now that I know what's up with you stranger!
Sorry to hear about the breakup.... but glad to hear you're back in training:) !!!!

I've been training for 12 years and married for 21 .... it can work ladyhawk... or maybe I'm an exception
;)

[darlph]

My dad has some words of advice for me. "YOu lived without them for so many years before, why can't you now?" Relationships are a habit forming and they say it takes about 28 days to break a habit cold turkey. I don't know about the 28 days. I still occassionally think about my ex 10 years later. It doesn't hirt now, just a memory of sorts.
There are several steps for success in just about everything,
whatever it takes-give 110% , go above average , better prepared , hang with the right crowd, develop a positive attitude by setting a goal- taking action- change if it doesn't work,
If I kept hanging out in the same place at the same time as him, it would drive me crazy. So I changed a little at a time by going other places. I also got away from 'friends' who felt it their duty to tell me what he was doing- I found they told him what I was doing. It was hard to come home and sleep alone, but I found my cats kept me company and no hassles either.
Drinking only made things worse, because I acted a fool in front of hima nd it seemed my friends like to egg things on for their entertainment. I always blamed my next morning on him, but I soon realized he wasn't pouring the Jack down my throat. My body started to eebell and I felt likeSH_T all the time. I didn't realize I was taking it out on people with my voice at work until some one asked me why I was mad at everyone.
Relationships are hard enough but breaking up? YOu're the only opne who can chose his path in life.
I hope you fare well. And , by the way, there are still lots of "fish" out there.

[ladyhawk]

Originally posted by SahBumNihmDeb
[B
I've been training for 12 years and married for 21 .... it can work ladyhawk... or maybe I'm an exception
;) [/B]

SahBumNihmDeb,
Yes, I know it can work. I've been in the company of some very
supportive partners of my dojo mates. Understanding and moral
support can not be demanded or forced upon your partner. There has to be a genuine desire to make an effort.

[Jack]

28 days? Maybe if I have faith in that it will act as a placebo and I will be completely healed in a week or two! Although I'm going through a regression at the moment because I have dreamed about being with her the past two nights. Argh!