Bon
18-Jan-2003, 11:40 AM
My sister sent me this in an email and after watching her crack up laughing, I felt I had to do my part and pass it on as well. :D
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot id something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the
barreland tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
ofits men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** ******
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** ******
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence,the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone aiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************** ************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how
he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.
************************************************** ******
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?)
************************************************** ******
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
************************************************** ******
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor
store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
************************************************** ******
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out
of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
************************************************** ******
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
************************************************** *******
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper
still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
************************************************** ******
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon
gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill
man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ferrari
A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for sale. It had only 3,000 miles on the clock. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00." He laughed to himself, and he said, "There goes the newspaper,
making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked the woman who answered about the sports car.
"Is it really brand new?"
"Yes," she replied"
"Three thousand miles?"
"Yes."
"The price?"
"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.
"Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.
"Nothing is wrong with it. You're the first to call. I suppose
nobody else believes the ad." He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck! "The car is yours for $75.00," the woman said emphatically, "on one condition. I want the money now, and I want you to drive it away so I never have to see it again." He paid her and took the keys. "Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for $50,000. What is going on?" She told her story: "I bought this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a card from him. They're in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida. The card said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.'"
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot id something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the
barreland tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
ofits men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and
lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** ******
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** ******
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence,the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone aiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************** ************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how
he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.
************************************************** ******
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?)
************************************************** ******
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
************************************************** ******
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor
store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
************************************************** ******
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out
of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
************************************************** ******
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
************************************************** *******
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper
still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
************************************************** ******
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon
gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill
man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ferrari
A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for sale. It had only 3,000 miles on the clock. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00." He laughed to himself, and he said, "There goes the newspaper,
making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked the woman who answered about the sports car.
"Is it really brand new?"
"Yes," she replied"
"Three thousand miles?"
"Yes."
"The price?"
"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.
"Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.
"Nothing is wrong with it. You're the first to call. I suppose
nobody else believes the ad." He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck! "The car is yours for $75.00," the woman said emphatically, "on one condition. I want the money now, and I want you to drive it away so I never have to see it again." He paid her and took the keys. "Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for $50,000. What is going on?" She told her story: "I bought this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a card from him. They're in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida. The card said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.'"