BAD jokes thread

[YODA]

Ok MAPers - post your crap jokes here :D

I'll start us off....

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Where ever you left it!


http://www.egri.co.uk/smileys/verystrange.gif

[YODA]

Here's another

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell
to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he
emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

[Spike]

A man wakes up in the hospital and says "Doctor Doctor I can`t feel my legs"

the Doctor says "that`s okay we`ve cut your arms off"

[big e]

whats orange
and rhymes with a parrot?

a carrot

[Cain]

I wanna ask before I post, does bad jokes mean di*ty?

|Cain|

[big e]

only aslong as its rubbish

[Cain]

Umm....hmm.....m not sure wether I should put here.....

|Cain|

[wayofthedragon]

Knock Knock.
Q: Who's there?
A: Boo.
Q: Boo who?
:confused:Why are you crying:confused:

[wayofthedragon]

Okay guys, you have to cooperate with this one......

There was a man whose name was What Usay

Now who can remember his name?

[YODA]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this
thing?"

=========

Two snowmen. One says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"

=========

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"

=========

Two cows in a field:
One says "MOOOOOOOOOOOO !"
T'other says - "B****** - I was going to say that "!

=========

Two caterpillars watching a butterfly - one says to the other, "You'll
never get me up in one of those".

=========

Two Caterpillars sitting on a Cabbage leaf pondering on the meaning of life.
one says to other
"you mean you really believe in an after life, where you fly around with
wings and things!!"

[YODA]

There are only 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who
don't.

[Greyghost]

Luke and darth are battling with their lightsabres.....Darth beats like to the floor and says.....

"Luke (wheeze)...i know what you are getting for christmas(wheeze)"

"eh?"....says luke....."how can you!"

"I have felt your presents(wheeze)"

[Spike]

Q:How do you confuse an idiot?

A: Pink

[morphus]

Whats the difference between a duck - one of it's legs is both the same.:confused:

[YODA]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


........ I'll tell you tomorrow :D

[Martial Sloth]

A horse walks into a bar..the barman asks "why the long face?"

[Martial Sloth]

Whats yellow and hangs from trees?
-----a bunch of custard.

[Spike]

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

[Spike]

Two builders break for lunch and one says "Aw hell, I`ve forget my sarnies"

So his mate lets him have one of his own and he tries it and says "bloody hell, that tastes awful, what is it?"

His mate says "It`s crab paste"

"Where did you get that?"

"At the chemist down the road"

[cyclepath]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend??


Wiped his ass.


What a refreshing change to see Michael Jackson holding a baby over the balcony of his hotel, he normally tosses them off.


What do you call a insane rodent in Manchester??


a mad ferrit.


What do you call a fish with no eyes??


Fsh


What do you say to a woman with two black eyes??


nothing you've already told her twice (sorry a little near the knuckle!!)

[LilBunnyRabbit]

What do you call an armless, legless man in a swimming pool?

Bob.

[Light Ng]

Michael Barrymore was recently asked by a press officer if he was planning to do a panto.

He replied "No, Ive already done Aladin this year"

[Spike]

Why do women give birth, because it hurts and they deserve it

[YODA]

Hmmm........

There are some good jokes creeping in.

Bad taste -but not BAD jokes.

OK - here's a CRAP one for you...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog`s cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let`s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,then checks his teeth. Finally,
he says, "I`m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he`s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he`s really heavy."

[Spike]

What do you call dog with no legs?

Whatever you want he won`t come back to you.

Is that bad enough Master Yoda?

[YODA]

Originally posted by Spike
What do you call dog with no legs?

Whatever you want he won`t come back to you.

Is that bad enough Master Yoda?


Now THAT'S more like it :D

Truly CRAP!

Similar.....

Where can you find a turtle with no legs?

Where you left it :D

[Light Ng]

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You cant wash your hands in a buffalo.

[YODA]

Bravo...........

((((Aplause))))

[Sean O]

A man walks into a bar.....ouch.

Whats the difference between an orange? A bicycle, because snakes don't have armpits (I swear to god someone told me that once, expecting me to laugh)

Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain?
I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.

What kind of limes open doors?
Key limes.

What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Patty O'Furniture.

What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film?
"Some day my prints will come."

[darlph]

Two reindeers that didn't make the sleigh team for santa:
Whizzer: the one who needed to make too many pit stops
Barfen: the airsick one who could never lead the sleigh

[big e]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.


Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.


erm... no offence to blondes
hehehe

[Tosh]

This is a bad joke in the sense it was sent to me via SMS


"Help!! I'm at the police station.
I've been arrested for Possesion of good looks.
I need an ugly c**t to bail me out.
Don't be long!!!"


:mad:

[pgm316]

COURSES FOR WOMEN

Women think they already know everything, but wait; training courses are

now available for women on the following subjects.

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting what you want without nagging.

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Introduction to Parking.

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His.

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.

Please register immediately as courses are expected to be in great

demand...

[big e]

how about

how not to throw the TV remote control when your angry

[Sean O]

Pgm you forgot the course about those crazy trick questions: something we can ALL do without.

[Artikon]

I hope this one is okay.

Q: Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute.

A: The one that looks you square in the eye and says Idaho.

[Jim]

PGM you forgot 'The magazine quizzes - why it's not in anyone's best interests to do them'

[YODA]

HEY! Come on guys - no more funny jokes - this is the BAD jokes thread :D

[Jim]

Ok, how about this...

'Mummy, Mummy - I hate Daddy's guts'
'Then put them aside and eat your vegies'

Or was that too sick?

[pgm316]

One time I asked my sister what she did at work. She said, "I just
sit there and look pretty." Her (ex)husband replied, "No wonder you always come home so tired."

I don't even know what that means, but it's still funny.

[Spike]

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?

Because her boyfriend was blonde as well.

[Cain]

What did the male duck say to the female duck?

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

QUACK! :D

|Cain|

[STASH]

OK, i seriously heard this one at a summer camp. I didnt know what to do, laugh or punch the guy out.

Why did the plane crash into the mountain?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!

[Geordie Boy]

Why does the crack in your ass go up and down instead of sideways?

So when you slide down hills you don't mumble.


Whats green and hangs in trees?
Giraffe snot.

[Andy Murray]

Q/

What's the difference between a cross-eyed soldier, and a constipated owl.

A/

The soldier can shoot but can't hit, while the owl can hoot but can't sh*t!




Q/

What's Purple and dangerous?

A/

A Grape with a machine gun.

[Spike]

"20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To."

I have a legitimate reason for being unable to dance, I`m a boke with long hair, it`s one of the rules of the cosmos that long haired men can not dance.

[Andy Murray]

I have a legitimate reason for being unable to dance, I`m a boke with long hair

Couldn't have described you better :D

[Fergie Boy]

What is brown and sticky?



a stick


What is yellow and sticky?



a yellow stick.


What is green and smeels like red paint?



green paint?


What is big white and can't climb trees?



a fridge.

[pgm316]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little too casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help.

David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is Only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

He decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help....

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the Store and unplugs the horse.

[big e]

ok peep !
heres some real real real bad 1's :


Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do!

Why do you look out the window in the morning?
Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.

Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.

Why did the baker rob the bank?
He needed the dough.

[Cougar_v203]

bad joke would be http://www.realultimatepower.net

[YODA]

Nah! That's a cracking joke :D

[Cougar_v203]

joo is on da side that makes fun of us ninjas! ;)
I shall have baby jesus smote your ass :D j/k

[YODA]

Bring him on :D

[Cougar_v203]

*calls to baby jesus* yo jes this guy says he will take you on
*baby jesus* I pity The fool who thinks he can take me!
*baby Jesus to Yoda* You want some of this! c'mon! yea! C'mon, Bring it! I'll Bite your Knee caps off!

[booksie_girl]

I was looking through the old jokes, and thought I might bring this thread back to life.

Q - What's red and looks like a bucked

A - A red bucket

Q - What's blue and looks like a bucket

A - A cold red bucket

Q - What's green and looks like a bucket

A - A red bucket in the army

e.t.c.

[booksie_girl]

Q - What's yellow and sits in a corner?

A - A naughty tractor

[Grifter]

Theres 2 pretzel walking down the street.... one was a salted.

A blind man walks into a bar.

[John G]

Q: What do call an elephant in a phone booth?
A: Stuck

Q: what do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: lost

Q: Why don’t skeletons go bowling?
A: Because they don’t have any balls.


..

[pgm316]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Yin and Yang]

I thought you might enjoy this. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
"Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations)!

Customer Service "Ridge Hall computer assistance;
may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's
on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle,
it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the light is off, and the only light I have
is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your Computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just
like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a
computer."
-X

[cyclepath]

sounds better when you say it.

Q. whats a shitzu?

R. (usually) a dog

No one without animals.


Think about it, its realy funny when your drunk.

[TheBorderer]

Hmm... bad jokes eh? Ok...

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No eye deer.

--------------------

Q. What's the definition a tin bra?
A. Condensed milk.

--------------------

Q. What's the definition of a glass bra?
A. Smash and grab.

-------------------

Q. What's the definition of an American bra?
A. One Yank and there off.
(no offence intended to any of the US MAPers(!))

And if maybe if that wasn't bad enough....

Two guys walk into a bar.
You would've thought the second one would've noticed!

Shame my dad aint around he does has some bad jokes!
Are these a good enough example of bad jokes YODA? (hmm bit of contradiction there! :confused: )

[cyclepath]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[booksie_girl]

First of all I am a blonde.

how do you confuse a blonde? (see below)
how do you confuse a blonde? (see above)

[cyclepath]

William Shakespere walked into a bar,

"get out" said the landlord "youre bard"

[Adam]

oooh, that's sooo terrible cyclepath...

Here's one:
Marine Core drill sargeant: "You are now in the USMC maggots! You came here to die!"
Australian enlistee: "No mate, we came here yesterday."

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

"Yesterdie", perhaps? :D

[Jonny Chee]

A man walks into a butchers.

'I bet you fifty quid I can reach the meat on the top shelf' he says.

'No thanks' replies the butcher, 'the STEAKS are too high'.

*ahem*

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

I have the ultimate crappy joke. This joke is so bad, it doesn't even have a punch line. My sister told me this one a long time ago -- she laughed hysterically and insisted it was funny:

Two men were taking a bath. One said to the other "Do you have a towel?"

That's it, the whole joke. There's no punch line. It ain't funny, unless I'm missing something. :confused:

[Master J]

i have a joke. here goes:

How High is a kung fu man.

As Low is his brother.

Get it!

[Master J]

heres another one:

What do ya call a 3 legged donkey?

A wonkey!

[thiaboxr2]

Mommie, mommie why do we have to visit grandma again?

Shut up and keep digging!




Why are Hele Kellars socks yellow?
Because her dog's blind too.


Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly?
Because her boyfriend's blonde too!


What did the blondes left ankle say to her right ankle?
Nothing, they never met!

[KenpoDavid]

a pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "hey, Cap'n, why you got that steering wheel attached to your crotch" "Arrrrrr", says the pirate "It's drivin me nuts!"

+++++++++++++

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "do you serve food?" "No!" the bartender replies "Get the heck out of here!"

+++++++++++++

how do you get down from an elephant? you don't, you get down from a goose. (my dad told me that when I was 6 and I only figured it out 20 years later)

[KenpoDavid]

what does a blond put behind her ears to attract men? her ankles

what does a blonde do with her a$$h**e in the morning? Bring him coffee.

+++++++++++++

a guy is alone at a bar, and for fun he turns to the guy sitting enxct to hmi, and asks - "Hey you wanna hear a joke about TKD? (substitute any style here I guess!)

"Sure" he says, "but before you tell that joke you should know that I'm a 2nd Dan in TKD, my buddy behind you there is 1st Dan, and that guy on teh next stool there is 3rd dan. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"no," he says "I don;t want to have to tell it 3 times"

[Master J]

What du yu get if yu cross an elephant wit a kangaroo?



Alot of damage!

[Master J]

What du yu get if yu cross a sheep wit a kangaroo?



A wooly jumper!

[booksie_girl]

A blonde walks into a doctor's surgery.

"It hurts when I touch here, here, here and here" (She touches her head, stomach leg etc.)

"That would be because you have a broken finger"

[Greg-VT]

LOL, I think I've heard that one before, but it still cracks me up.:D:D

LOL.

[Adam]

What did the blonde say when she walked into the bus?

Ow!

[TheBorderer]

How about this?

Two Martial Artists are giving a demo to the class, out of nowhere a brick flies through the air and hits one of them on the head.

He was heard shouting: "What Kung-Fu that?!?"

(I have my dad to thank for that one! :D)

[inacan]

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run she has a grenade in her mouth

A man is walking along in a dark alley when is he mugged by 2 assailents, before they can take his money, he warns them he knows Mexican judo. The one looks puzzled and says "Mexican judo?", to which the victim replies "yeah, Judon't know if I got a knife or judon't know if I got a gun".

Proposed Beer Warning labels:

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical kung fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

Bumper Stickers:

BEER: it's not just for breakfast anymore!
If you can't dazzle them with brillance...riddle them with bullets
Illiterate? write for help
Necrophilia: the uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one
Cat: the other white meat


Finally some jokes

A drunk was walking down the street when he meet a nun. All of a sudden the drunk started fighting the nun. It was a good fight bu finally the drunk defeated the nun. As he was standing over her in triumph he said "You see Batman, I knew you weren't so tough".

Little johnny returns home from school and says he got a F in math and a spanking.
"Why?" asks the father
"The teacher asksed how much 2x3 is and I said 6"
"but that's right!"
"then she asked me how much is 3x2?"
"what's the f-ing difference?" asks the father.
"that's what I said!"

A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10 year old little johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a cigar. The salesman says, "little boy, is your mother home?" Little johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says "what the f*** do you think?"

A guy goes ice fishing. He cuts a hole in the ice and drops in his line when a booming voice says "there are no fish there". He says "is that you god?"
the voice says "no i'm the manager of the skating rink".

Q: what's the most reliable way to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth

Q:What would be the perfect breakfast?
A: your sons picture on a box of wheaties, your girlfriends picture on the cover of playboy and your wife's picture on a milk carton.

Sayings and questions:

If you write the word monkey a million times, do you start to think your shakespeare?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

[Master J]

doctor, doctor, there is a leaf pokin out of my ass.

Doctor: thats just the tip of the iceberg.

(Iceberg lettuce)

[thiaboxr2]

What has 3 balls and lives in space?
E.T the extra testicle.

[booksie_girl]

this one is BAD

Q. What did one flea say to the other flea?
A. Shall we walk or shall we take the dog?

[judojedi]

was reading the guiness book of records and came across this:

the smallest space ever successfully parallel parked into by a women was one of 147feet and set by one mrs silcroft, 31, from warrington. she began the manoeuvre at 08.30 on the 2nd of november 2002 and successfully completed the parking feit at 14.25 that very same day with only minor wing and bumper damage to the adjacent parked cars and slight damage to one lamp-post. mrs silcroft needed to make only one break during the record attempt for lunch and a refill of petrol.
mrs silcroft changed gear from forward to reverse a mere 1200 times which in its self is a new record for effecient use of the gear stick by women.

:)

[booksie_girl]

Q How do you keep yourself from dying
A Stay in the livin room

*groan*

[Burabod]

Here's one from the movie Bicentennial Man:

A buddhist went to a pizza parlor and said: "make me one with everything!"

[Paratus]

A priest and a petefile walk into a bar....and that was the first guy

[xubis]

Ok ok.. *Crap warning*
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to "body shop"

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

Don't know if this joke is crap or not, but this was the first generic joke thread I could find, so here goes...

John, Paul, and Bill passed away and went to heaven. They were met by St. Peter, who explained to them "We only have one rule up here: don't step on the ducks". The men found that heaven was full of ducks, and before long, John had stepped on one of them. He found himself chained for all eternity to a ferocious Amazon. St. Peter apologized and said "Well, I did tell you not to step on the ducks". A short time later, Paul also stepped on a duck, and was chained for all eternity to a sharp-tongued, nagging, shrewish woman. Bill was determined to be extra careful, and managed to avoid stepping on any ducks. He was chained for all eternity to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He said "Wow, what have I done to deserve this?" The woman looked at him and said "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

{{KT ducks}}

[Cain]

ROFL! That's a good joke :D

|Cain|

[quartermaster]

if i want bad jokes i'll phone an old friend of mine

[Paratus]

Heres what I posted in my "Cheesey Jokes" thread, sorry I even posted it when it should have gone here :( , didn't know about it, any way here goes:

Why did the rich duck look cross-eyed?
It couldn't stop looking at its bill

How can you tell if Dracula has a cold?
You can hear his coffin

Why do some people never go bald?
They had a reseeding hairline

Why did the little mouse run away from home?
Because his father was a rat

What happens when you drop a duck egg?
It quacks!

Where do fish keep thier money?
In river banks

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ban-na-na-na

Why is a catcher like a cook?
Because they both hate a bad batter

How does a snake say sister?
"Sisssster"

What did the baby corn say the Mama corn?
"Wheres Pop corn?"

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway

Whats a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Raising his feet so you can vacuum

What is green and pecks on a tree?
Woody Wood Pickle

What makes music on your head?
A head band!

[Kiddy-Kenshi]

I've got a ''good'' one:

Two penguins stand on top of a skyscraper. The one asks the other: ''May i push you off?" The other replies: "No."

HAHAHAHAHA....... *sigh*

P.S. someone actually told me that and laughed about it :)

[semphoon]

I heard this on radio- This is so **** it made me angry and made me want ot start punching throats...

What did the small man say to the big man?

You're bigger than me.

[Darkflames21]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.:D

[nzric]

What's black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, red?

A penguin rolling down a hill

[Greg-VT]

LoL!
hehe

Your in the wrong thread nzric!

[Paratus]

What does a person say when someone takes thier cheese? "Na-cho Cheese!"

[Buddroux]

All-Time Favorite Blonde Hijinx!

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

[Shortfuse]

a friend told me this and for some reason i found it funny.

cookies! whats up with that?

[Orange...?]

Learn how to trick an idiot, click here.

:p

[Shortfuse]

damn that got me

[Orange...?]

lol

[booksie_girl]

Kozac, that's not nice :(

[Orange...?]

Originally posted by booksie_girl
Kozac, that's not nice :(

It's Kozak.

Hehehe. Tricked you all :D

[booksie_girl]

Sorry:o

[blaksun]

Where did the pirate park his boat?
In the hARRbor.

How did the pirate die?
He stARRved.

[Infesticon #1]

what does a fish say when it hits a wall?


Damn.

[Rhineville]

Yoda's sick and rude joke purge - BOOM! It's gone

[Guerilla Fists]

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated Arrrrggg (R)

[Topher]

Yoda's sick and rude joke purge - BOOM! It's gone

This one was one step away from a ban you sicko :(

[Orange...?]

Hey, here's one:

Two old friends meet. Friend #1 asks Friend #2
"So, how's your wife"
Friend #2 with a soft voice says
"She's an angle"
Friend #1:
"You're lucky, mine is still alive."

[Topher]

Two men a playing golf as a funeral precession was taking place on the road near by. One of the men removes his cap; hold it to his chest and pauses for a few seconds.

His friend says, ‘That was a lovely thing to do’, to which he replies ‘well, I was married to her for 25 years’.


Man: I’ve has two bad marriages. The first wife died and the second one won’t.

[Cain]

Right - before anyone posts anything else here I'd like to make it clear that bad jokes merely means really dumb or crappy jokes, I've already had to remove several unacceptable ones here!

|Cain|

[Guerilla Fists]

Publically apologizing for offending anyone. Forgot for a moment that there are young posters who read these threads and probably shouldn't be exposed to what at their age is inappropriate humor.
Apologies,
8

[YODA]

Publically apologizing for offending anyone. Forgot for a moment that there are young posters who read these threads and probably shouldn't be exposed to what at their age is inappropriate humor.
Apologies,
8

Age isn't the point - poor taste is poor taste at any age.

[Guerilla Fists]

Age isn't the point - poor taste is poor taste at any age.
fair enough, but a lot of it is in the eye of the beholder. What a conservative may find offensive a liberal may not. What one culture deems taboo another calls sacred. But I can play by the rules, promise.

[Saz]

I think the jokes you posted crossed both conservative and liberal lines.

If you can play by the rules, good, but lets put this to bed now and get on with the thread.

[Topher]

I have to hold up my hand too, my joke was worse than it originally sounded....sorry :Angel:

[Guerilla Fists]

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind, Mushroom!" with a scowl.
The mushroom replies, "why not? I'm a fungi!" (fun guy)

A duck waddles into the bar and in an annoying duck voice, kind of like Jason Alexander's from Seinfeld, he asks, "got any quackers?" The bartender says, "no, we don't have any crackers" So the duck leaves.
The duck returns the next day and asks, "got any quackers?" The bartender replies, "no, I told you yesterday, we don't have any CRACKERS !" so the duck obviously dissappointed leaves.
The third day the duck asks the same question again to which the bartender now frusterated says, "If you ask me for CRACKERS one more time I'm going nail your feet to the stool and carve my name in your back with an ice pick!"
The duck leaves and returns the next day and asks, "Do you have an ice pick?" the bartender says, "no." the duck asks, "do you have any nails?" the bartender says "no" calmly.
The duck asks, "GOT ANY QUACKERS!"

[Mig]

What do you call a fly with it's wings pulled off?
A walk.
:rolleyes:

What goes OOOOOOOOOOO?
A cow with no lips.
;)

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
:cry:

Blonde knocks on guys door, she says "I'm helping my daughter out fund raising for her school, any odd jobs you need doing?" Guy says "Yeah, I'll pay ya a buck to paint my porch, here's some paint."
Half an hour later there's a knock on the door and there's the blonde with an empty paint can standing on the unpainted porch. "Hey," says the guy, "I paid you a buck to paint the porch, you ain't finished."
"Am so," says the blonde, "I even got a first coat on your ferrari."
:D

[Buddroux]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I dont know , that's why i asked you!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...............








:(

[Orange...?]

Hey, here's a mean one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it saw you on the same side.

:p

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

Here's one:

A small, rural monastery needed to raise money. Since it was located in potato-growing country and there were fish in a nearby lake, the brothers opened a fish-and-chips restaurant along the highway.

The first customer, waiting for his order, asked the monk in charge, "Are you the fish friar?"

"No," the brother replied," I'm the chip monk."

[YounGrasshopper]

how do you get down from an elephant? you don't, you get down from a goose. (my dad told me that when I was 6 and I only figured it out 20 years later)



Dont get it....... maybe in 20 years....

[YounGrasshopper]

or you could just tell me now......

[FortuneFaded]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


........ I'll tell you tomorrow

Come on, tell me allready!!! I dying to know!!!!

[Topher]

- 2 chickens are sitting by the side of the road. One goes to cross and the other stops him saying: ‘Stop! If you cross, we’ll never hear the end of it.’


- I was standing next to Trevor McDonald at the urinals, and the temptation to to go DONG!, was to big.

[Jointlock]

I once knew a guy who got his left side cut off.

He's all right now.


Take my wife, please.

[markyg]

Whats black, dangerous and sits in a tree?

A crow with a machine gun!!!!

Muhahahhahahahhaaaaaaa

[Bob1770]

Two peanuts walked into an alley, one was a salted!

These two guys walk into a bar, you'd think the second one would have seen it and ducked!

[MattKing]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra..

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice for 3 hours? It said concentrate...

What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog..

[FortuneFaded]

((i can see this getting deleted, see what happens))

Deleted by Kgirl

Kgirl: Sorry, thats not how it works! If you think it will get deleted, don't post it. We have kids posting here.

Refer to this thread http://www.martialartsplanet.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11183

[FortuneFaded]

heres another joke then:

How do blondes' braincells die?


Alone.

Some great mis translations:

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

>.>

[jokerlaughsatu]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead

whats black and white and black and white and black and white?
a skunk and two nuns fighting over a pickle

[Topher]

Whats brown and sticky.....







A stick.

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

If this doesn't win the "Bad Joke" prize, nothing will:

What do you get when you crash into four small camel-like animals, and then ring the owner's doorbell?


Answer: Ram a llama llama llama llama ding-dong

(You may not get this one if you're a whole lot younger than I am!)

[Cain]

I just whacked my head on the wall......

|Cain|

[makato]

what did the biscuit say when he got run over........wait for it........oh crumbs!!

[Cain]

What did the ghost say to the terrified man in an alley?



















Boo!

;)

|Cain|

[Andy Murray]

A man goes into a shop and asks for "A packet of Helicopter favoured crisps"

"Sorry", the assistant replies, "We only have plane!"

[FortuneFaded]

*say it out loud*

What says: "black white black white- big fluffy elephant, lampoons and fires, jewels and boils black white and green?"

You. you twiglet.

[Topher]

What black and white and red all over?









a newspaper

[UrbanCowboy]

A blind man walks into a shop, picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging him around his head!
The shop assistant asks "Are you alright sir?"
Man replies "Yes thanks, I'm just having a look around!" :eek:

[NW1haxor]

What did the Inmate use to call his friends.


His cell phone.

[JohnnyX]

There are only 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

Just spotted this thread. :D

That's very good. :cool:

[Jang Bong]

There are only 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who
don't.

Brilliant - haven't seen an intelligent maths joke in ages.

(Must dig back and find some of my old hexadecimal ones).

[FortuneFaded]

why did the student get halloween and christmas mixed up?

Coz' he was counting in hexi-decimal


(i think thats it--- my school days are over if i remember correctly that was my computing teachers fav joke))

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

whats black and white and black and white and black and white?
a skunk and two nuns fighting over a pickle
That should be "What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?" :D

[Commander Zigg]

Here are a couple jokes to hopefully make you bash your head into a wall repeatedly. (you might only get these if you sound them out)

Two old terrorists are sitting in the middle of the desert around a fire. One is showing the other pictures of his sons. "Look at this one." he says "He became a martyr a year ago. Look at my second son! He became a martyr a couple months later". The other sadly looks at the terrorist showing the pictures and says "You know, they blow up so fast, don't they..."

A man walks into a bar with his pet, a newt, sitting on his shoulder. The bartender goes, "Hah! That's cute! What's its name?". The man says, "Tiny!". The bartender looks confused, and asks why. "Because it's my newt!" (sound that one out)

[Jang Bong]

Thanks FortunFaded - looks more like duo-decimal (base 12) where December (month 12) would be written as 10 (October).

I pity your computer classes if this was the teachers favourite joke... :(

[booksie_girl]

What do you call a chiropracter from the Phillipines?




































A manilla folder :D

[kempo penguin]

my friend told me this--
two skunks were in a bar, one says to the other, "do you have a nickel?" the other replied, "what do i look like, a toaster?!?!?!?!?"

[tom pain]

Two flys on Robinson Crueso's knee.
One fly says: "I'm off now, see you on Friday."




Taxi.....

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

[Paratus]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

lol, I heard that before, from my chemistry teacher :p

Heres a completely unrelated joke: what's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white-red?
A penguin falling down the stairs :D

EDIT:Sorry, didn't know jokerlaughsatu had already made one of those Whats B-W-B-W jokes :(

[Neil-o-Mac]

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a streaker runs past. One has a stroke.

The other one doesn't quite reach.

* * *

What did Hitler say to the men before they got in the tanks?

"Get in the tanks, men!"

* * *

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

* * *

Two sausages are in a frying pan. "Phew," one of them says. "It's bloody hot in here, isn't it?"

"Wow!" says the other. "A talking sausage!"

* * *

A guy and his dog visit a talent agency, claiming that the dog has the uncanny ability to do maths.

"Right then, show me!" the talent scout says.

"Okay boy, what's two and two?"

The dog barks three times, the owner winces and the talent scout looks sceptical.

"Okay, let's try again. What's three and three?"

The dog barks seven times. It's going rapidly downhill.

"Right, third time's the charm. What's three and two?"

The dog barks six times. The owner puts his head in his hands before the secretary shows them out.

Outside, the man looks down at his canine companion. "You really screwed things for me, boy. Now I'm going to have to go back to toilet cleaning."

The dog looks back at his master. "Hey, wise guy, don't blame me," the dog says. "You *know* I'm bad at maths."

* * *

A highly effeminate, camp gentleman prances into a butcher's shop. "Ethcuse me," he says in a falsetto lisp. "Can I have a mince round?"

"Sure," the butcher says. "Take as long as you like."

* * *

And now, musician jokes!

Q. How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. What do you say to a bass player in a suit?

A. "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 11. One to change the bulb, the other 10 to stand around arguing about wether Steve Vai or Joe Satriani could have done it faster.

Q. What's the difference between a viola and a washing machine?

A. Vibrato.

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

Another musician joke:

How do you tune three piccolos?

Shoot two of them.

[JohnnyX]

Heard these two on 'Local Radio' last week:

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So that they can get nearer to the sink.

I used to be Dyslexic but i'm KO now!

[Fire_Wings]

lol, I heard that before, from my chemistry teacher :p

Heres a completely unrelated joke: what's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white-red?
A penguin falling down the stairs. :(


:cry:

[Don Davies]

lol, I heard that before, from my chemistry teacher :p

Heres a completely unrelated joke: what's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white-red?
A penguin falling down the stairs :D

EDIT:Sorry, didn't know jokerlaughsatu had already made one of those Whats B-W-B-W jokes :(



:cry:



HAHAHA

The joke is not so funny...sorry...but Fire wings crying is hilarious :D

[bcullen]

And now, musician jokes!

Q. How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. What do you say to a bass player in a suit?

A. "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 11. One to change the bulb, the other 10 to stand around arguing about wether Steve Vai or Joe Satriani could have done it faster.

Q. What's the difference between a viola and a washing machine?

A. Vibrato.

Good ones, heres a few more:

Q. How many lead singers does it take to chage a light bulb?
A. Just one to hold it since the world revolves around him.

Q. How can you tell if your singer is off key?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What do you call someone that hangs around musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
A. Put sheet music in front of him.

Q. Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car?
A. It took him two hours to talk the drummer out.

[#1 Stutta]

I have one.

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?
Wheeeee!

[Neil-o-Mac]

I've been reminded of some more cheesy musician jokes...

Q. How do you know when a singer's at your front door?

A. He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

Q. What's the range of a banjo?

A. About twenty feet if you've got a good arm.

* * *

Oh, and in the realm of crap jokes...

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys a small tin of beans, a microwave meal for one, a small carton of milk, and various other small items. He takes them to the checkout and as the girl on the till is scanning them through, she looks at the customer and says "You're single, aren't you?"

"Yes," the man says. "How did you know?"

"Because you're freakin' ugly!"

[booksie_girl]

That was a fortnight joke :p







Two week

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a badger?





A baaaaaaaaaaadger...

[RichieRich]

Unsuitable content removed :woo:

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

Riding the slippery slope there, Richie!

[Martial Mark]

2 oranges walk into a bar, one turns round to the other and says "Your round"

[Neckbones]

There was a prison break this morning. A cement truck collided with a prison bus...There looking for sixteen hardened criminals.

[Martial Mark]

The toilets were stolen from the local police station.......


The police have nothing to go on.

[danceofdeath]

Unsuitable content deleted.

READ THE RULES!

[Martial Mark]

Lol - I giant hole has been found on the M1 motorway in the UK.



The police are looking into it.

[tang_sou_dao]

2 eggs in a frying pan, 1 goes to the other-bloody hot in here aint it, the other 1 goes "f****n hell a talkin egg!

[RichieRich]

:eek: Unsuitable content removed :woo:


Boo! Thought Police! :(

[Sun Hwang]

A man needs a brain transplant. The doctor tells him he has his chioce of three brains. one brain is $50K another is $100K and the last one is $500K. The man asks who belonged to the $50K brain, the doctor says, "Oh just a mathmatician."
"Wow" the man replies"$50K for a mathmatician? What's the $100K brain?"
"He was a nuclear physicist"
"$100K for a nuclear pysicist?!? What's the $500K brain"
"It's the brain of a woman" the doctor replies.
"A woman? Why is it $500K then?"
To qhich the doctor replies, "Because it's never been used" :eek:

[RichieRich]

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in either ear? :confused:



Anything you like, he can't hear you.

[Martial Mark]

Why have elephants got big ears?......



Cus noddy wont pay the ransom.

[YODA]

How do you send a baby astronaught to sleep?
Rocket!

Why were there no asprin in the jungle?
Because the parrots-ate em ol!

:D

[Martial Mark]

Whats pink and hard?...........




A pig with a machine gun.

[Jang Bong]

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in either ear? :confused:

Anything you like, he can't hear you.

Ouch!! Ok, what do you call someone with sponge and jelly in one ear, and fruit and custard in the other???


A trifle deaf! :p

[YODA]

What's green, has 6 legs and hurts if it falls out of a tree on your head???



- a snooker table :D

[Martial Mark]

Two nuns are driving back to the nunnery when they are suddenly attacked by a vampire, one of the nuns says to the other "Quick, show him your cross"

The second nun quickly replies "You naughty, naughty vampire, I am getting very angry, now go away"

[JohnnyX]

A guy had broken his glasses so he went to the opticians to get a new pair on the way guess who he bumped into?





















Everyone. :D

[JohnnyX]

Two flies on a cow pat. One trumps, and the other says do you mind i'm eating. :D

[Martial Mark]

This nose walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of beer please"

The barman says "Sorry, I cant serve you"

The nose says "Why, are you picking on me"

The barman says "No, you are clearly off your face!"

[Solomon]

what did the spanish firefighter name his two sons?

jose and hose b

what do yo call two spanish guys playing basketball

juan on juan

how do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

wave to him :D

[Martial Mark]

2 budgies in a cage, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish"

[tom pain]

Why have elephants got big ears?......



Cus noddy wont pay the ransom.

I don't remember laughing so much at a joke:D:DThat one's legendary

[RichieRich]

2 budgies in a cage, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish"

You mean two Budgies ON A PEARCH!

Its even better 'cos you fudged it! :love:

[YODA]

Two Mexicans, who had been lost in the desert for weeks, were at death's door. As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spied through the heat & haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they began to make out that the tree was draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, juicy nearly-raw bacon, bacon of all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe," cried Don Pedro, "ees a bacon tree! We are saved!"

"You're right, amigo!" said Pepe as he went on ahead and running up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.

When he got to within five feet of the tree, the sound of machine gun fire erupted and down he went in a hail of bullets.

Don Pedro quickly dropped down on the sand and called out to his dying friend, "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath, Pepe called out, "Run amigo, run! Ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

[YODA]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

[tang_sou_dao]

damn sum of these are REALLY bad jokes lol

[Neckbones]

Ees a ham bush! ROFLMAOhttp://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_29_132.gif

[Martial Mark]

How do frogs die?........


They Kermit Suicide.

[tom pain]

Duracell Bunny was arrested today, charged with battery.

[Martial Mark]

A couple are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door "Are you gonna get that love" says the wife "But its 2 in the morining!" says the husband.
.....
"Ahh ok then, al have a quick look" says the husband

Opening the door a bloke stands there and says "Er, excuse me, sorry to bother you but..er, could you give me a push please?"

The husband quickly replies "No, am sorry but its 2 in the morning, am too tired" and shuts the door.

He goes back to bed and his wife asks "Who was that at the door?" he replies "Ahhh, it was just some bloke wanting a push"
his wife replies "So why didn't you help him, remember that time when we were stranded and some stranger helped us out!"

"Ahh ok" He says and goes down the stairs and looks out the door.

"Hello, are you still there, do you still need a push"

"Yes please" says the stranger.

"where are you?"

"Am just over here on the swings"

[Neckbones]

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat miner

[Deep6]

A termite walks into a bar and says " is the bartender here?"


Q: Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road??


A: Because he was stapled to the chicken :D

[Jang Bong]

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat miner

Come on Neckbones - your could have had the other joke in here for free...

What do you get when you drop a piano over a parade ground?


A-flat major. :cry: :) :cry:

[Neckbones]

what do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum Blownapart

[Martial Mark]

This hamburger walks into a bar and says "Can I have some cheese and onion crisps please"

The barman replies "Sorry, we dont serve food"

[Barka]

What Goes "oooooooooooo"?

A Cow with no lips.

[Kinjiro Tsukasa]

What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up?
Gee-I'm-a-tree!

What kind of pizza do pilots like?
Plain.

Why was the musician arrested?
He got in treble.

Why did the invisible man look in the mirror?
To make sure he still wasn't there.


These are for the musicians among us:

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.

[Martial Mark]

Warning!! These are very bad!!


What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?.....


Roberto.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb?.....


He couldn't part with it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick?.......


Put it on my bill.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two atoms are talking:

"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose.

The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?.......


Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

:cry:

[Cougar_v203]

HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.

[UKscrapper]

Please re-read the sticky topic on what is acceptable content for jokes here. :rolleyes:

.... Yoda

[Stan O'Kella]

what goes "oooo"?

A cow with no lips

[RichieRich]

How many dsylexics does it take to change a light blub?

[Paratus]

How does a wooden fish swim if all it can do is float?
You fill it with rocks to the correct amount to give it sufficient buoyancy to allow it to remain at a certain depth within the water

See, it was a bad joke because it didn't have a punch line :D

PS. I don't much care if you didn't laugh, I got a smirk out of myself and that's enough audience approval for me :D

[Dave Rees]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor Who!

Thats for all us sad old Dr Who fans!!!

[stratiotes]

Why did the chicken cross the road. To prove to the armodilla that it could be done.

[Topher]

Q: Did you hear about the two fleas who won the lottery?

A: They bought a dog in Spain.

[alex_000]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender seys "we don't serve horses"...

:confused: :D

[Athleng Nordic]

This horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender turns around and asks "Hey buddy, what's the last line of the Star Spangled Banner?". The horse replys "Play Ball!!".

[alex_000]

I remebmer one really crappy. Don't blame me if your IQ drops 10 points.

Two people people coming from opposite directions meet each other in Sahara desert.

One says : - How many?
-Five.
-Five what?
-How many what?


:confused: :confused:
(it's actually supposed to be a joke i didn't make it up or anything :D)

[daftyman]

A man walks in to a bar

Says' "OUCH!"

it was an iron bar!

LOL - LMAO - ROFL - etc.

[munkiejunkie]

what has twenty two legs and wings











a soccer(/football in the UK) team :D :D :D

[semphoon]

How many procrastinators does it take to cha......

(I just thought of that now...Im not too pleased with it)

[daftyman]

A man walks in to a bar.

Attached to the ceiling he sees two slabs of meat.

He says to the barman, "What's the meat doing up their?"

"If any customer is able to jump up and eat the meat withouhg using their hands, they get free drinks for the rest of the week." he replied, "Want to try it?"















"No," the guy answers.......





























"the steaks are too high!"

[pachanga]

You did say bad, right?

Why did the woman live in a deep fat fryer?
She was a battered wife.

Why did the monk resign his job in the laundry?
He was picking up too many dirty habits.

[davemaster]

You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[Orange...?]

You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
lol. hahaha so true :D

[dngrruss]

High-Brow:
Neitzche and DeCarte are sitting around having drinks. Neitzche says, "hey, why don't we go grab some dinner?"

DeCarte replies, "hmm... no, I think not."

DeCarte then dissapears.....

Low-Brow:
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refridgerator?

Footprints in the butter...

[Coges]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we've got a drink named after you", to which the grasshopper replies, "what, Kevin!"

some funny quotes:

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." - Henry Youngman.

[HearWa]

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

[Gary Crawford]

Q:What has 10,000 legs and can't walk? A:Jerry's kids

[Bluce Ree]

f(x)=3x-1 walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich.

The barman replies "Sorry, we don't cater for functions"

[JKD_forever]

How can you fit four blonds on a chair??





















































Turn it upside down

:D

[NaughtyKnight]

A man has a geat dane which has crossed eyes. So he takes it to the vet. The vet picks up the dog and looks at its eyes and teeth and says.
"sorry mate im going to have to put it down." the vet says
"what?!?!?! just because its got crossed eyes?"
"no because its heavy"

Sorry i know its lame, but the only clean joke i know.

[Sgt_Major]

Can one of the mods move this to the BAD Jokes thread ;)

lol

[semphoon]

LMAO. I thought that was really funny (although I have a very silly sense of humour...see the sig)

[NaughtyKnight]

Ive got another lame one for you guys.

Why did Katy fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

[Knight_Errant]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
I SHOT 'IM.

[semphoon]

LMAO (again). Thats great.

This was origianally posted on MAP as an example of a crap joke...I have always remebered it for being funny...

Why did the plane crash into the mountain?

Cos the pilot was a loaf of bread. :D

[Cougar_v203]

lol

[TheBlade]

ur right these are bad jokes

[Fish Of Doom]

What do you call a green flying thing?

Super lettuce

What do you call something green that crawls?

Injured Super Lettuce

What did little green riding hood say to the wolf?

Hello, daltonic wolf!

What's black and white and black and white and black and pink and yellow with blue eyes?

Pretty-boy prisioner...


please don't hit me

Fish Of Doom

[KickChick]

Can one of the mods move this to the BAD Jokes thread ;)

lol


Your wish is my command....

Oh and Blade ... watch the content and language of the stuff you are posting.

[Sgt_Major]

I was only joking...lol, oh well, probably more apt anyhoo......

[Slindsay]

Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole.

His neighbor strolled by and asked him what he was doing.

"My goldfish died and I'm going to bury him" said Timmy

"Well, that's a pretty big hole for a goldfish" said the neighbour

"Not when he's inside your stupid cat!", Timmy replied.

[iamraisen]

whats pink, muscley, and swings from cake to cake?


tarzapan :D

[Slindsay]

A girl called me the other day and said "Come over, nobodys home"

I went over, nobody was home.

[Lurch]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.




What goes in and out and smells of urine?

Grandma doing the hokey-kokey.


A really tatty, manky twisted and rotten piece of string walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The barman points to a sign over the bar which Says 'We do not serve pieces of string'.

'Yeah? so what?' says the string.

'Well, you're a piece of string, aren't you?' asks the barman.

The string replies

















"No, I'm a frayed knot"

[semphoon]

What goes in and out and smells of urine?

Grandma doing the hokey-kokey.




:eek: EWWWWWWWWWWW

[Fish Of Doom]

talking about the hokey-pokey, it's creator died some time ago and his funeral was a mess.

you see they put his right foot in, and then the trouble started :eek: :bang: :bang: :bang: :cry:

[semphoon]

Apparently his girlfriend used to get very frustrated with his habits.

[Sgt_Major]

A picture is worth a thousand words: